MM,

I have read many of your posts and feel for you. You have gone through the fight that I'm getting ready to go through.

I'm asking for your help and your advice as I go down this path.

Here's a summary of what's happened:

Went to war in December. Came back in Feb and my wife was replaced by an alien. She stopped taking anti-depressants without doctor consent while I was deployed. Told by ww she wanted divorce the day I got off plane.

Discovered profile on myspace. Not at all innocent or used to "just make friends".

Put spy program on computer. Found out ww had one night sexual encounter with another man. It was a one night thing and not an ongoing A. However, she had gone on dates with four others.

Crushed, D-day was 28 Feb. She fessed up but told me I had to prove to her she should stay in the marriage.

I tried, but was consumed by jealousy. I spied, snooped, looked for signs she was still cheating. Begged, pleaded, tried to get her to go to counseling.

WW convinces me that only hope for future was a clean break through D. I fell for the lie and gave her a no contest D at end of March. Got joint legal custody, but gave up physical custody since I was going to get out of AF.

D final on 24 March. Took 45 minutes and a signature. I didn't get counsel and believed the lies she told me about eventually reconciling after time apart to "heal".

I set events in motion to get out of AF. We both agree to move to MD where her family is from. Things seem ok and we actually go out together, but she does things that were uncalled for. She withdrew money from our account without my consent. Pocketed money that our divorce agreement said would be used to pay off our credit cards.

Tells me one night at dinner that she was sexually abused by a family member when she was 11. Never knew this before. Suddenly everything in our marriage makes sense. Depression, anxiety attacks, stomach problems, phantom illnesses, inability to trust, poor social skills, and bailing out of a marriage that is by all accounts normal.

I get to MD after she leaves and she doesn't want anything to do with me. Let me see the kids fairly liberally. While unemployed I see them 2-3 times per week, almost all weekend. She uses the time to go out clubbing and on dates.

I run into her on one of her dates while I'm at mall with kids. See her make out with this guy in parking lot. Get upset and ask her to take the kids because I didn't want to be upset in front of them. She takes them and I get extremely depressed. I checked myself into hospital that night. Voluntarily spent 6 days in psych ward. Had epiphany while in there.

Leave ward and decide to dedicate my life to making the best for my children.

Get lawyer and start preparing to fight for custody. Have to wait for her to move out of WV, where she's been staying with parents, and into MD.

I make one last ditch attempt to reach out to her to get her to reconcile but it's hopeless.

I now have a lawyer and am ready to get her for contempt of court for pocketing the stock money that was supposed to be used to pay our debts. Have kept detailed log of when I get kids and how often I call and have to talk to nanny and not her because she's out.

I have a job now, my own place, and a place for my kids to stay. I live less than 10 minutes away from her. She moves to MD and is now not letting me see the kids at all during the week despite living so close. Only lets me have them weekends when it is convenient for her to go out.

She won't let me take kids to father's wedding in IN or to California to visit family that have never seen my children.

So now I'm going to file for a modification of custody. I want at least 50/50 but am willing to go for primary. I want to go to mediation first, but anticipate she won't be willing to or if she does that she won't give me much such as time in the summer, every other holiday, etc.

I expect this to end up in court and would like to know what worked for you and what didn’t'. I know you put a lot of faith in God and I can respect that. I also know that the Lord helps those that help themselves. So how can I help Him help me?

Here's what I have done. I have put together all of my awards and accolades from my life and military career and put into a portfolio for the judge to get an idea of my character. I am going to create scrap book of the pictures of myself and my kids and show video taken over the years of me reading to my daughter at bed time, praying with her, and teaching her to walk, opening presents with her, and playing with my sons.

I have setup rooms for the kids in my house. They're Spartan right now, but I plan on decorating them as much as possible.

Plan on presenting myself in court as a great dad and use the pictures and videos and my documentation of my time spent with them to show it. I plan on requesting a psych eval of her for her untreated issues with the abuse. I also plan on holding her in contempt for the unpaid cards and showing her history of leaving the kids with third parties so she can go out and party.

I don't know if it will help, but I was going to put together portfolio of her blog, suggestive comments, and "hot or not" site.

Basically present myself as a 33 year old man whose partying days are well behind him and simply wants to spend a lot of quality time with his kids. I want to show that she is very much in the clubbing and partying phase and would rather leave kids with someone and go out than stay with them.

That's my basic plan. What are your inputs?

MM will be a great source of help. Read his thread on his recent custody battle. Also, there is a book called "Custody 101 For Men" that Mr. and Mrs. Wondering was kind enough to provide me that will be of great use.

Start spending as much time with the children as possible. Take her to court for temporary order if needed to accomplish this. Document her wayward ways (men, drinking, immorality, priorities, time spent with children vs. other men/activities, etc). Read up on your state's "factors for custody, in Mississippi they are called the Albright factors" and position yourself using these factors as your guideline. I will provide more later.

Please do. I have documented all my time with the kids. I've gone so far lately as to write down the meals I feed them and the activities we do.

I have had the kids as much as possible but she's now blocking my access and limiting me to weekends only. I've been paying CS despite not being legally bound to do so (I haven't been bound, it's in our D agreement). I did this despite being unemployed. I've kept a detailed log of her leaving the kids with others.

Honestly, the nanny has been their primary caretaker for most of their lives. I worked and did what I could when I came home. She didn't work most of the time, yet would leave them for hours with the nanny to go out and go shopping or "run errands".

Please tell me what these Albright Principles are.

Thanks.

Papa,

I know the deal!! Unfortunately. The e-book that I used, and the Wonderings also point people to, is a great book for father trying to get custody. The guy who wrote it originally lost custody, but gained it back in the end. So, all is not lost!! Especially the way your wife is acting.

So, first thing is to get that book! Reach out to the Wonderings for the link.

Next...what do you want to do? Save your marriage or divorce? Cant say that you will save it, but depending on which way you go, will depend on what you do now. If you want to divorce, than read the book, do the thigns to get yoru kids...and then move on.

If you want to save your marriage, then you need to read up on all of the stuff on here. The Harleys' books. Read other stories on here, etc. First knwo that you are NOT unique...neither is your wife. But you have to understand how to fight this enemy. You have to know the tactics that will help you win.

So, what I have to say right now, absent specific questions...is read that e-book. Do what it says. And read up on MB principles and follow them. If you do, then you may just see things change.

No more laying down for her. She does nto respect you right now, and women cannot love a man that they do not respect! This doesnt mean that you love bust (read up on those). It means stand your ground, especially when it comes to the kids!! She wants to act like a teenager in heat...then fine. But you protect those kids...

If you have more specific questions, I can help.

Standing in His Presence

MM,

Thanks for your response. I'm a veteran of this forum and have read about LBs and the principles. Tried to follow them and to get WS to follow them but we still ended up divorcing.

We're divorced. It's done.

Now I'm filing for a custody arangement in MD. I got a book, called "Father's Rights" which has been very good. I'll probably re-read it.

She's getting nasty now, but doesn't realize I can bite back worse than she knows.

For example, I just talked to my lawyer, who has informed me she is in contempt for two separate issues on our divorce agreement. She is going to file to have my ex return the $8000 check I gave her to pay off our credit cards. She's also going to file to have her pay for her half of a loan she has agreed to pay. That's close to $800.

Not only that, but the bank we had the loan through isn't too pleased that she sold the car we had the loan for and didn't pay off the loan. That's an issue as well.

These are all things I've been sitting on and doing nothing about in the hopes she would reconcile. I haven't even fought with her on most of them.

Ultimately, none of that stuff matters. I could care less about paying off the loan and the credit cards. What does matter to me is that she's keeping me from seeing the kids, talking to them every night, and taking them to see my family.

No more. I have an advocate!