Hello, new here and really didn't know where to post this or where to start.

I have a family of 4, hubby and 2 kids. One is mine and the other is his from previous marriages. We have been together for almost 10 years and I feel like I'm just about to lose my mind not to mention about to ask/tell him to leave again.
Within the past 2 years my hubby has had 4 jobs, well he just got laid off again. I come home from work and see him in his T-shirt and boxers everyday since the layoff a month ago. I have asked twice if he has had any luck in finding a job and all I get out from him is hurtful words and an empty box of tissues, so I do not ask anymore. I do have to give him some credit here; our house stays pretty clean for the most part.
Small history with us here, we moved in together before the marriage and I can honestly say that since he has been there he has been more of a financial burden then anything. When he moved into my house, he came with nothing just his clothes. I paid and still pay all the bills that come to that address and I have to ask for money from him to help out. There were/still are issues with both children, I didn’t like what his child was doing nor did he like what mine was doing. He would and still makes comments while I kept my mouth shut just to keep from fighting. My son played me and my ex all the time and it took me awhile to figure that out in the meantime his child would use my dog as a jumping board to land on the couch until I caught him, just one of the many issues.
I’m to the point where I’m questioning if I even love him or not. I’m thinking not because I just can’t take anymore of it. When we separated I had no problem telling him that I could not afford him anymore and that it was best he left. You know something I have read this over, over and over again and I can’t believe I have put up with some of this stuff or even if this makes any sense.
All I know is I do not talk to anyone due to the fact that my best friend is now married to my ex and I do not want to get burned again like that.
Can someone please give me advice as to where the heck to start?

Hey Igiveup, I'm new like you and instead of writing my own issue tonight have got interested in yours, as like our colleague says, it's hard to see someone has no reply! You don't quite clarify if you're still together, as you say you're not sure if you still love him or not. You also don't say when you got married, although you say you've been together ten years. Did he stop working when he got married for instance? Surely your hubby has worked continuously previous to the last 2 years, when you say it all went a bit pear-shaped? Sounds like the kids are causing you real probs, (if you are still together?)...How old are the kids, Was there no mutual family get-together on how the kids should behave?... How does hubby feel about his relationship with you, and have you explained to him how you actually feel rather than outlining the household probs, (one of my failings!). You also say you have asked him for money to contribute, which is only right and proper, but you don't say if he has given you anything. Is he on benefits or entitled to benfits that could contribute to the household?

If he feels fairly useless, it's likely he will just get really defensive. Very frustrating for you, and you do what I do, try and avoid a fight at any cost. Is there anyway just the two of you could take a few days off and talk about how you both really feel? I know, it always seems to be oneself that has to try and take the intiative, and is it worth it! But you obviously still love him to be unsure about your feelings, and to even be writing about it publicly.

Also, is there no close work friend or family member you can confide in? I know none of us want to discuss stuff too much, but sometimes you just have to, and you'll find they will return the favour!

I wish you the best, my own prob will be on here shortly no doubt!

Thank you for the reply Msgoogly6

Hubby and I have been together since 1996 and married in 1998 we are still together as of now. He and I have very different working habits, whereas I guess I’m a workaholic and he is more of the if I get up I’ll go to work and if I’m late no biggie they “owe” me type. He has had 5 jobs since we have been together and 3 out of the 5 were lay off’s, but I’m thinking fired. If he gets mad at work he will leave for lunch and not go back then sends emails to them explaining why he did go back. As far as the kids go, there is 11 years in age difference between the 2. The oldest that is mine is hardly at home and the youngest we get every other weekend. I know hubby feels there’s something up, but no I have not said a word to him on how I feel, which I know is a HUGE mistake but I just don’t feel like be hounded. When I do ask for money, yes he gives it to me and he says how much, but the problem is I should not have to ask for it just my opinion. He is not on any type of benefits or entitled to them as well. To be honest, I’m afraid to take a few days off with him for fear I might say something I would totally regret and get left out of town or leave him out town. To make things worse, when we were separated a few of my family members made comments like “good, not to fond of him” so no I will not talk to them. I have talked with a few of my co-workers, because they know when I’m hurting and they see it. With my friends, I have been down that road, told my best friend everything, and I mean everything, and now she is with my ex, so I try not to do that again. I kind of feel better now and not so scattered brained as I was in the first post. This is going to be a very long weekend and I’m not looking forward to it.

Thanks and good luck to you as well.

Just for some clarification here, how is he giving you money if he has no benefits or work salary? Or are you saying that *you* earn it all but he controls it? Remember in a M, there is no "his and hers" now, there is only "ours." So in either event don't feel guilty about the money.

Sounds to me like he suffers from pent-up hostility and possibly depression as well. It's a vicious cycle, hard to say if chronic unemployment leads to depression or vice-versa. He should see a doctor and perhaps there are some meds that can help snap him out of this funk.

Of course it goes without saying you should both be in MC and IC. Counseling should help you sort out the major issues, especially the "Do I love him anymore?" musings that you're going through at present.

H won't see a counselor? Then see one alone, if only to preserve your sanity. They can perhaps help you set appropriate boundaries or break those communication barriers.

Good luck,

~Silverwraith

Thank you for the reply and the good luck as well…..I need it.

When he has a job I still have to ask for money, he does not control my money. Since 2000, he has not had a job for more then a year, the rest of the time he has been unemployed.
The past 3 times when he was jobless, it took 5-6 months for him to find a job and when he does it’s normally found for him not by him which a job is a job nowadays. He’s not in a rush to find one and there’s always an excuse as to why he did not look today, “Felt sick, to much house work and/or waiting on call backs and sometimes all the above. I’m trying really, really hard to be supporting but enough is enough. Financially I’m not hurting….yet, I have learned to save from the first experience. What I don’t understand, is why so many jobs. I have had 2 jobs within 20 years.

Yes I agree on counseling and have an appointment set up already, but once again I will have to go alone. He has told me several times that he would go ONLY if I could find one that meets the following….
1) The counselor is a man
2) That he has been married to the same person since day one for many, many years
And then told me good luck in finding one. What’s up with that? Did I mention he can be a lot hard headed?

Last weekend on Saturday his son asked him “Dad have you found a job yet”? I about fell over, thought H was going to come unglued, but very calm like his reply was “No, not yet but looking really hard”. I didn’t say a word, in fact I bit my tongue fear of saying something I shouldn’t have.

Anyway, thank you for your help. I’m just at wits end here and it has started health issues now and I really need/want closure on this, I’m young and have so much going for me and I enjoy life, but this I just can’t take anymore of it.