Hi all,
I feel like a total schmuck right now, but it has been 15 years since I've had to deal with any of this.
Background: My wife and I are nearing the end of divorce mediation after I discovered a little over a year ago she was having affair.
Shortly after discovery, I panicked and went into depression, and jumped ahead of things and started joining dating web sites, just to see what I may or may not be up against if the M could not be saved. I had no intentions of going beyond 'exploring', but I did 'meet' a woman who seemed to be very cool, right up my alley, and had alot in common with me.
Ill-advised, I sent her a message, and we began a 'friendship' corresponance, with the complete understanding, that that was as far as it could go, I disclosed to her everything about my current situation, but she was still enthusiastic about being friends via email. It was really nothing more than sending jokes back and forth, maybe me venting to her now and then about my home troubles. But from the inception, I felt some sort of connection that went beyond normal, but I chalked it up to fantasy, since we never ever got together or even went beyond computer words.
During the course of that year, my M had several major ups and downs, looking like we might be able to repair, then me finding out she was still having affair...a real roller coaster. Eventually the final nail in the coffin came this Feb and March, and I knew it was time to throw in the towel.
After one devestating event with W, I broke down, and gave OW my cell #, and we casually talked on phone for several weeks. After one final devestating event, I suggested we meet, and we did. It was a bit awkward, but friendly.
Slowly, over the course of a few months, and my marriage completely deterioated, we saw more of each other, but it was purely friends basis. At one time she even said that 'we were nothing more than friends...we're not dating!"...and other statements that were apparant attempts to make it clear that we were just friends.
But there have been other signs in emails and in person, that there may be more. I definately feel more. My feelings for her have grown exponentially in the past couple of months. After much soul-searching, needing to determine that it wasn't justn't a fantasy in my mind, that I wasn't just looking at her to fill a 'hole' in my life, but coming to the realization that I felt a connection with her that I neve felt before, that she 'gets me' and 'understands me', I know in my heart that this isn't just superficial 'rebounding' on my part.
The past few times we have gotton together, I have subtly sat closer so we touched and she has not pulled away, but hasn't made any moves either. We have always hugged since we met the first time, but usually she patted me on back, which was always a sign to me that it was just friends. Two times ago, we briefly kissed as I left her place, and last time, we did again, and she gently caressed my forearm as I walked out the door.
I am seeing her tonight, and am anxious yet again, feeling the need to finally let her know in no uncertain terms how I feel, but the catch-22: I value her friendship so much, that I'm afraid to make a move, or just come out and be honest about what I feel. I was never much of an agressive dater to begin with, and my confidence in understanding women is compeletely shot after the sordid episode with my soon-to-be-X.
I wish I was better at reading signs. The only thing I can add is I get the sense she has been burnt alot in the past, and may be hesitant herself, and may also have been cautious until she knew for sure that I wasn't just B.S.'ing her about my situation, but I think she knows that I've been telling her the truth all along, so maybe she is opening up more? Or maybe I'm reading into things altogether?
Don't know anything about anything anymore, except how I feel.
