just wanted to say thanks for your support during my recent finding out about the A (or A's?)...i have ordered some books from marriage builders and have started on the partner's workshop at recovery nation...man, that site is awesome!!!...s is also involved in the workshop there as well...we are both totally serious about this but i know that it's going to be a long time for healing to take place and trust to be completely restored... my biggest fear is that s will not follow through with seeing a dr when he gets home for an evaluation...i also fear he will become bored with "recovery" after a while and it will fall to the wayside eventually leading back to the lying and manipulative behavior...i know!!!...that's his choice!! ... i've never been good with the unknown:)...at any rate i have signed a lease for 12 mos this week so i will be giving this relationship at least that amount of time for repairs prior to going through with previous plans for getting married and building a house...s is very supportive of this ...still have feelings of distrust and can't get the mental images out of my head ...i guess through recovery that will ease?...every day is a different influx of emotions but i do remain committed...am on increased dose of AD's and started some MVI's as i know my health is suffering from all this stress...have checked out spector spyware to place on s's computer for accountability...any idea's on this?...all input greatly appreciated...j

One of the biggie points I learned here is that I can't control what my spouse does, yet we are suppose to act as 1. Hm..... easier said than done but if we individually apply the good counsel of loving our mates as ourselves....it can be done.

So let your H know you want t/d this together. Yet you go and work on what you can do. Concentrate on what you can do and let him contribute what he will do.

This is a mindset change. Your POV needs to adjust to this newer thought pattern. The change is bigger than you realize. But the sooner you do, the better it w/b for both of you.

take care,
L.

one other thing i forgot to ask about is...now that i have exposed s to both families and we have decided to work on our relationship how do we go about presenting a united front to our families?...obviously, my family is upset and feels betrayed ...i feel they wish for me to just move on...his family is ashamed and wishes for him to get some help...i am really concerned about this because we both love our familes very much...and i am as close to his family as i am my own...should we just talk to everyone together as a couple and say this is the problem, this is what we plan to do about it, thanks for your support?...or should we just not worry what they think?.. we both have shame here and i feel that we owe our families something...after all the last they all heard i was through and disgusted beyond belief...and no one knows we are talking except my mom and dd18 (both of who have no comment on the matter...can you feel the smirks?) and my best friend (who has encouraged me beyond my understanding!)...i guess i am concerned because i know s's A's (?) have had a wide reaching effect and my exposure of such has involved them all in the drama!!...any suggestions greatly appreciated...j

If recovery is happening, I would let them know. For us, we let our family know and when he slipped up, they knew also. It was his parents and siblings that knew. He didn't tell them, I did. They supported me not the WS and his A. So when he came back as H, they gave him their support as well.

I did preset my support and exposure by asking that they respect my decision. They did. When I told them he was wanting to come back, I listened to their comments and took what I could to heart.

It would be good to thank them for their support and ask for their continued support since it may be a bit hard for your H to feel comfortable around them again. When mine said he was too embaressed to talk to his family, I told him he should tell them that. The only part I did was to tell them he wanted to come back, we were going to try recovery and ask for their continued support and respect for my decision.

L.

thanks for the advice orchid...the last couple of days have been a bit rocky...i have been working 12 hour shifts and not able to talk to s as much as we both would like...he is saying things to me like " I know that I can do other things if I want, I can chat and check out swinger sites but I haven't done it because you are more important to me than to do that", "like I said, I can take swinging or leave it", "you know deep down inside I really didn't think someone could love me like you do", "you know j there will not be a very different me don't you?", "you are in for a fall if you expect to change the core of who I am", "I will not try to change who I am, but my behavior", "I am not going to go overboard with this either", "like someone that is "born again" and acting a certain way just to get what they want ", "I am not going to sacrifice who I am or I won't be happy"....i can tell he is getting irritated when i talk about things i've learned or bring up marriage builders or recovery nation stuff...and then this afternoon his attitude turned particularly nasty while we were chatting about when he will come home from overseas... almost like i was chatting with a different person..a mad one!!!...think he may still be in the fog and it's starting to choke me!!...just when i think i can breath a bit and maybe go a day without crying...wham! reality is right there:)...i am really trying to apply all the principles i am learning but am finding it extremely difficult to remain calm and in control of MYself...i know i have no control over him and i guess it's just knowing that if the fog doesn't clear his behavior patterns may continue...i remain comitted...am tired and feel like the stuffings been kicked outta me today though....j

a quick update: wbf & i are having severe communicaiton problem.... despite brutal honesty and firmly standing on the boundaries i've created for myself wbf continues to talk about his "needs" not being met prior to his swinging cheats and how once trust is broken it will never come back...i totally disagree with him on this point but no matter what i say he ends up angry with me and shuts down...claims that all the talks we've had about a healthy future were just fantisies....if i didn't love him so much at this point i would just throw my hands up and say to h*ll with it all!!!...oh another interesting point...wbf is now also saying he doesn't really feel that he has a problem despite finding mb's and working in the recovery nation workshops, lol...also, was saying a week ago he'd do ANYTHING to regain trust and now he is saying *uck accountability...typical unhealthy emotionally immature cheating lying mumbo jumbo that i see right through!!...this is one of the hardest (and most frustrating) things i've ever had to deal with ...i find myself resenting the fact that wbf has put me and ultimately us and our families in this position... i know i need to work on that:(...still crying daily but at least i know it's part of my day for now and that when it's all over and done with i will be ok on the inside because i am choosing health over insanity:)...am trying to get into some ic also....j

well today was definitely a better day...wbf and i talked without any arguing, blaming, or general ugliness...no boundaries were crossed!!!...thank you jesus!!...and he also admitted that i have met his needs in the past and that he feels confident that i can do so in the future...quite a change from the things he was telling me just 2 weeks ago...or yesterday for that matter...we both filled out the emotional needs questionaire previously and i am committing those things to memory...he even asked me out on a date!!!...to the place where we first met:)...on another note while i was cooking my dd6 said hello to him and not to upset her momma any more...although i had no clue she was so perceptive i think it really hit home for him how far reaching his actions have been...i know we have much work to do ....right now all i can do is work on me and how i deal with things as they come up day to day....a tall order for sure but if it will help build an A proof life then i'm all about it!!...am toying with the idea of asking him to attend mb weekend in FL in oct...i think it would be an awesome experience but not sure how he would feel about it just yet...we'll see...j

quick update: today was a challenging day...wbf and i actually were able to talk about some of the healing aspects of what has been going on...he is "jonesing" as he puts it and i'm not exactly sure where my role in his sa fits in other than educating myself to the fullest and dealing with the pain it has brought into my life (i am doing that but it isn't easy!!)...today, he asked for some pics of me (not looking like i just rolled out of bed or looking sad)...honestly, with everything going on that is how i look and maybe worse!!....personally i feel whatever i do for him or that he and i do in the privacy of our bedroom is between us and no one else...however; with him being in another country for a few more weeks i'm not sure how to proceed...recovery nation forum is down or i would ask there do to the nature of the question...i'm a bit unsure how i should feel about asking here...seems there is a core group of people who actually only leave feedback for a select few which is a bit discouraging i must admit....nevertheless; i am fearful he will go elsewhere to feed his need and if he's gotta have a "relapse" then i'd rather it be with me!!...on a positive note we made an agreement ...we will seek counseling as a couple, we will take 1:1 reconnection time for us (i have ordered several mb books), and an understanding that if unfaithfulness occurs again it is over....i am on AD but i am feeling the pull of depression pretty strong the last few days...keep telling myself you have got to snap out of it for you, your kids, and your carreer!!!...on the other hand it's only been a few weeks since i found everything out!!...this IS very much so normal grieving process in action!!!...ah well, some days you eat the bear and some days the bear eats you, right???...j

well today is another day...question....one day wbf is professing his love to me and talking about the future...the next he's telling me to get lost....is this his normal grieving process dealing with sa or should i cut my loses and run?...truthfully, the emotional roller coaster is making me physically and mentally ill...i have tried to remain upbeat however i am depressed beyond belief...how can a relationship ever withstand this type of abuse?...am i crazy for caring?...am i irrational for even trying to work things out?...how should i cope with all the uncertainty and day to day ups and downs?...is it time to institute plan B?...i do love him but i fear in the place he's put me i won't be capable of loving anyone much longer...this is a sick place and i definitly need help!!...j

Un,

How about looking inward instead of outward...judging your choices from his emotions doesn't sound like a reasonable way to live to me.

Easy to do...to focus onto him, like guarding yourself from attack...skews the choice you have to believe you're in this together, equal parts...doesn't it?

Own what is yours...you feel and believe a lot of things right now...depressed (tell me why); fearful, angry, hurt, loving, sympathetic, pity, strong, weak...tell me all of your emotions on this rollercoaster...so you can divine the signals and what beliefs they are coming from.

You about you...helps the present stay present...Coping is not living...coping skills we learn early, to survive; living skills we learn as adults, to thrive...all within our choice, about us.

The more you focus on yourself, the more respect you will show to S about his own being his own...within his control, his choices...if you have to get your focus on yourself in this way, please do it.

Daily uncertainty...is this something you didn't realize we all live in? Did you previously live in a false certainty?

He can't put you in any place...you put yourself in your state of mind by choosing to see him doing it...you being done to...which increases feelings of powerless and helplessness...which isn't true. You have always had and will always have your own power. Whether you know and use it is your choice.

What you fear...you fear. Knowing what you can control and not control is essential. Tell me your limits and power...as a human being.

LA

loving, thank you for your reply!!...

in the state i'm in i had to read your post several times to decipher all you are saying....but you are right...i feel like i'm constantly on gaurd from being attacked...i feel like i'm on a roller coaster!!...i know i can't control wbf...only myself....and i am happy when we are talking about the future one day and extremely sad the next when he tells me to [censored] off!!...i have read and read here and at recovery nation every single day ...just when i feel like i'm ready for the next round the playing field changes!!...i recognize this as emotionally immaturity and want it to change...it is becoming very clear to me that our relationship has been based on this for a very long time...me living in false certainty (why do i so easily believe everything those i love say to me as truth?) and he completely trampling over me and how i feel ...it hasn't been equal in a very long time...and to think my independence and strength is what attracted him in the first place (so he says...maybe he really saw someone he could control?)

an important note: i felt healthy at the beginning of this relationship...ready to move on 2 yrs post-divorce and have something my kids could respect and pattern their own lives after...i didn't need a relationship to feel valued in other words...i have 3 beautiful kids who depend on me and look to me for direction...believe it or not i am a successful person carreer wise who finds myself in a place of leadership in the workplace....

why i'm depressed: in the last 6 mos i have been lied to, manipulated, and cheated on all without suspecting anything!...i am ashamed and embarrassed by it all!...my kids have seen me cry daily and pretty much do nothing but read and be at wbf's beck & call via the computer (he is in saudia arabia for another 3 weeks)...i feel like a complete idiot and really only have 1 friend close enough to me to talk to about any of this and she's got mega problems herself (her hubby is bi-polar with no job, yada yada), i feel like my family is looking down on the fact that i even want to talk to wbf (my mom says "he can't be trusted...cut the ties now!", DD18 says he's a snake!)....and i feel like his family thinks i'm a fool (they all think what wbf has done is disrespectful and in the words of his father "f*cked up!!" but have all told me he will never change and i should move on)...i feel like just another notch on his bedpost and question everything he's ever said or done...i am beginning to see ulterior motives in most everything and question how i could've fallen for it...mostly, i'm very frustrated with myself for allowing him to cross boundaries my previous life experiences have taught me...the very foundation of who i am...the core of my being...i have edged out all those profound things that make me me until i have become someone who stands by and says how high ever time he says jump!!!... i am angry and feel devalued as a person...and i am tremendously hurt that he discovered mb but refuses to participate in it and resents recovery 100%...i feel backed up against a corner that ultimately i placed myself in and i don't know the way out....and also, everyone of my family members and friends thought wbf was wonderful and a safe companion for me and now i have to set them all straight!!!...my life is a mess and it stinks!!!

and yes, i am doing nothing but coping at this point...so what do i do?....should i institute plan B?...he isn't speaking to me now anyways...i didn't take the pics he wanted as i was sleeping and my daughter had guests over for the evening...so how do i move past coping mechanisms?...this is survival and an attempt at self preservation for me...but i obviously am not doing it right or i wouldn't feel so miserable...

know this is long and i just can't bring myself to paragraph but i appreciate your input...i seriously need help!!!

j

Un,

"in the state i'm in i had to read your post several times to decipher all you are saying...."

Actually, in your state or in another, many posters say this...so I do realize I am not an easy read. I pray I'll be worth your effort. It's me, not you.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

"but you are right...i feel like i'm constantly on gaurd from being attacked..."

What you feel is yours...can you adjust the belief that guardedness is coming from? Can you see where your own perspective may be adding to this feeling?

"i feel like i'm on a roller coaster!!...i know i can't control wbf...only myself" Do you really, really know this?

"....and i am happy when we are talking about the future one day and extremely sad the next when he tells me to [censored] off!!..." Living in the present...no future talk at all...not there yet...participates in fantasy...today is your reality. Focus on you and today...knowing what he says is solely his opinion...not THE truth, his truth.

His truth as of today.

"...me living in false certainty (why do i so easily believe everything those i love say to me as truth?)"

That is worth a lot of pondering and searching inside yourself...can you focus on it and answer it here?

"believe it or not i am a successful person carreer wise who finds myself in a place of leadership in the workplace...." Sounds like you are talking to yourself...how can I be in this place, right now, when I was in a very different one...and questioning yourself...because I didn't question you at all...no judgment here...if you believed that work and family were very different places, where you can be one way there and a different way at the other place, judging yourself every step of the way, then I can see why you might think others are judging you a mess...when you are not.

You are not.

You are human...successful relationships have a lot in common with successful careers...when you follow the same guidelines...respect, knowing you are separate and equal to everyone...healthy boundaries and standards; knowing each person has their truth, and leading by example.

Maybe you could use your career persona in your personal life? Write down your beliefs from there, to bring them here?

"why i'm depressed: in the last 6 mos i have been lied to, manipulated, and cheated on all without suspecting anything!..."

Can you break this down...as to what you expect to be depressed about...separate out anger, resentment, frustration, hurt, sadness...because depressed is a lot of emotions in seemingly one...

"i am ashamed and embarrassed by it all!..." Shame is not living up to your own expectations of yourself...embarrassment smacks of not living up to others'...seeing your life through others' eyes...what did you do to be ashamed of? To be embarrassed by? Specify your choices separate from his...

"my kids have seen me cry daily and pretty much do nothing but read and be at wbf's beck & call via the computer (he is in saudia arabia for another 3 weeks)..." Are you saying they see your choices, or someone making you do something?

"i feel like a complete idiot and really only have 1 friend close enough to me to talk to about any of this and she's got mega problems herself (her hubby is bi-polar with no job, yada yada),"

You have yourself, Un...journaling, meditating...choosing to post on MB...reading and pondering while you walk...Your choice to believe (which means you will feel) you are an idiot, well, I challenge you to stop DJing...what you do to yourself, you do to your children and others.

"i feel like my family is looking down on the fact that i even want to talk to wbf (my mom says "he can't be trusted...cut the ties now!", DD18 says he's a snake!)...."

Respect their opinions...acknowledge their love for you; they want your pain to stop because your pain hurts them; your life, is yours. Your choices are yours. Hear what they believe as what they are--their opinions. Know your own. Really know why you are choosing to save this relationship, through and through...finding all your payoffs.

"i feel like just another notch on his bedpost" You determine this feeling from choosing this belief...you will not have this feeling if you choose to believe you are real and irreplaceable. Not in his control, yours.

"and question everything he's ever said or done..." Well, isn't that healthy, given the deception and fantasy he is living in?

"i am beginning to see ulterior motives in most everything and question how i could've fallen for it..." When you look at your own self-betrayal, can you be as kind and gentle with yourself as you would want someone else to be with you? Otherwise, you won't get to your real whys and payoffs...which are where you will grow.

"mostly, i'm very frustrated with myself for allowing him to cross boundaries my previous life experiences have taught me..." You cannot stop people from crossing your boundaries...your control, your power, is enforcing your predetermined, progressive enforcements when they do. There is where you self-betray...when you don't.

"the very foundation of who i am...the core of my being...i have edged out all those profound things that make me me until i have become someone who stands by and says how high ever time he says jump!!!..." Your choice...and does this realization sound similar to a drug to you?

"i am angry and feel devalued as a person..." When you base your value on what others say it is, you can be devalued. When you base it on your own judgment, you cannot.

"and i am tremendously hurt that he discovered mb but refuses to participate in it and resents recovery 100%..." How does his choices hurt you...they are about him...and it sounds like you are making them about you...is that correct?

"i feel backed up against a corner that ultimately i placed myself in and i don't know the way out...." You're not in a corner...you are in the present...wide open...change your image so that you can react to reality, not a false one.

"and also, everyone of my family members and friends thought wbf was wonderful and a safe companion for me and now i have to set them all straight!!!...my life is a mess and it stinks!!!" Are you living your life for others, your family and friends, or are you living it for you? Why do you have to set them straight...their opinions are theirs...if they ask, tell the truth. If they don't, do not disrespect them by supposing they want to know the truth (of his actions). Know your own. Make YOU the priority and your focus.

You life is not a mess...people are complicated. You're people. Can look messy because it is so dimensionally complicated...doesn't mean it is.

LA

lots of insight...lots to think about....in a nutshell i can see that maybe i haven't been focusing on myself as much as i thought i was...it's late but i will post tomorrow:)...j

lol, i just sat here and typed for an hour in response to your post loving...unfortunately when i hit continue it had timed out and i had not saved it!!...i suck!!!...anywho, i am feeling under the weather with aches and fever so i will try to re-post later...j

ok, i've gained some insight into some things over the past 24 hrs...bear with me as the recovery nation site will be up tomorrow:)...i have come to understand that sa's operate in an "all or nothing" world....emotionally stimulating themselves through immediate gratification activities...how sad to think that the man i love is possibly in this destructive place...like a scared child whose wet his pants but can't stop despite having the control to do so....his choices have affected me very much so and although i do not intend to focus on that it is a valid point that i must accept or healing will never occur within myself...i can empathize....but i can't accept it...it was a choice plain and simple...what also hurts is the fact that our relationship is broken and without much attention it will not be fixed... i am angry i had no choice in the matter....i am extremely hurt that at some point 6 mos ago wbf's immediate gratification needs surpassed his need for a real meaningful relationship based on trust, respect, and equality...how sad to think he is trapped in such a place where his very actions are only causing him deeper emotional pain...wbf and i haven't spoken in just over 48 hrs...sure, it hurts that wbf isn't in a place to change...sure, i wonder if he ever will be...sure, i feel lied to and manipulated yet again....that's a safe place for him...it's not an acceptable place to me any longer... i choose health and happiness today:)...j

sorry you're feeling yucky. I had ear infection this week too.

now to the wbf. Hmmm...those wbf's!

I would simply realize that he is going thru withdrawals...and even though he MAY be there, which is good, he will still have serious mood swings and will do irrational stunts one day and be sugar pie sweet the next. be prepared for as I call it "attack of the two faced alien"....that is the withdrawal person who just got off the mothership. he's trying to readjust to "life on earth" and is still longing for some of the wild life on that alien planet and mothership hon.

Draw clear cut boundaries. Make home a safe place. And be OK telling him when he is being disrespectful and when he is being hurtful. do NOT take it. Be truthful when you say these things to him as to not LB.

You draw a timeline for change. And if he makes TRUE improvements, then I would consider the new house and marriage. Right now it is HE that should be wanting to do the world for you...it's not him doing you a favor. YOU ARE ONE DECIDING WHAT TO DO. Make the power shift apparent. He should figure this out hon.

Be kind, but let the wanna be former alien aware that YOU were good enough to choose to want this relationship rather than tossing him out on his ear. Deployment abroad or not. You don't have to do anything. Nope. You can ignore the computer and his calls if you wish honey.

Just be loving yet tough. Do a plan A. But remember the stick part too. Seems like you know the stick. Wield it.

peach...i think i have strept throat!!!...i am miserable with high fever, chills, and sore throat...

i know he is going through withdrawals ...he has been my best friend and it hurts to think he is going through this alone ...without sharing it with me...at one time i thought we shared everything:(

he's not here...he is working over in saudi arabia in the oil field...will be home in 3 weeks but he has ceased communication with me as of 2 days ago...he has his house, i have mine...i can only hope that some day he will not view me as a threat...i seriously do love him...

"be OK telling him when he is being disrespectful and when he is being hurtful"...this is where i fail again and again...he normally goes into a rage and ceases communication with me...he resents "recovery"...i read on rn that as recovery occurs you leave the label of addict behind...

"Right now it is HE that should be wanting to do the world for you...it's not him doing you a favor"...i think he IS sorry and i think he DOES want to change...just not sure he's capable of being that person just yet...i agree though, a little buttering me up would go a long way .... here's my conflict with that though, lol...sa's live lives of manipulation and dishonesty...often choosing to risk everything for an instant of immediate gratification....i have had this done to me again and again ...he is a "silver tongued fox" so to speak....i want to trust...i want to have faith...i want to love....i'm beginning to understand that the reality of that for wbf is changing on a daily basis!!! ...i am ready to restore balance and stability to my life:)

"You can ignore the computer and his calls if you wish honey."...i have evaluated what i previously said and i think i felt that if he was talking to me he wasn't talking to anyone else...living in fear...not acceptable!!

thank you so much for your input...j

ok, i've medicated and fever is down for now...i will respond to what you have said loving:

"can you adjust the belief that guardedness is coming from? Can you see where your own perspective may be adding to this feeling?"...yes what i feel is my own...no one can make me feel anything i don't want to feel...yes my perspective has been shattered and i am having to learn how to look at things more objectively...more honestly...fear is a big motivator for me...in terms of putting my gaurds up...uncertainty is a fearful place for me ...but today i have to deal with reality...whether i like it or not...

yes, i really really know i can't control wbf...as much as i'd like to shake him and say "wake up!!" i know i can't... he has his own choices to make in his life....be they healthy or not it isn't my place to make his choices for him...i can simply remain loving and caring ...that's my choice...no matter what may come...i do love him and see through all the mumbo jumbo of the daily ups and downs...

"can you focus on it and answer it here?"...it is reasonable to trust what those you love and care for say... that is the foundation of a healthy relationship...trust, respect, equality....i realize with wbf that has changed and may never be restored...i remain committed and that is my choice...

i do expect to be depressed...it is a very vital part of the grieving process...i have been through a traumatic event and depression runs very deeply in my family...
i choose not to create my own addiction or turn to an A myself...that's the easy way... i desire long term health and healing in my life...and i will get through this...

the only thing i have to be ashamed about is not responding to the glaring "red flags" that have been present...i'm embarrased somewhat because everyone thinks wbf is wonderful and knows i am crazy about him...would protect him even to my death...you have an excellent point in saying that family and friends have a right to their opinions and assumptions...what i choose to do is very much my business and although they may not understand my choices they will have to respect them...they are mine...

my kids see my choices loving...what else can i say?...

DJing?...don't know what that is but i can tell you this...everytime i look in the mirror...there i am!!

i am real and irreplacable...i believe that....i wasn't just another notch on his bedpost...he knows i loved him with everything i had....and i believe he loved me to the best of his ability...now whether that will change or not only time will tell...uncertainty...fear...motivation...i see a pattern here:)

"i am beginning to see ulterior motives in most everything and question how i could've fallen for it..."..from what i've read this is a normal response in the sa's partner... i now realize this is nothing more than an emotionally immature response to stress...not everything was a lie... not everything was based in fantasy and manipulation...

"There is where you self-betray...when you don't."...can you help me understand this?...i'd really like to explore it further as it relates to my life...


"Your choice...and does this realization sound similar to a drug to you?"...are you suggesting i'm addicted to wbf?...

"How does his choices hurt you...they are about him...and it sounds like you are making them about you...is that correct?"...his choices have and very much so do affect me...our families...our future....it hurts when wbf chooses immediate gratification based in sa over a stable healthy life...

am very much so trying to deal in reality...today...then tomorrow...then the next day...i realize that future planning is not possible at this point and i'm ok with that...

thanks loving for your input...j

have been very very ill so i have missed a few days here but have continued on with the rn workshop and have spoken with askme (very insightful man) about sa issues...looks like rn website is down for quite a while now due to server hacking <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />...wbf and i have been soul searching and taking some time to talk about what we have learned thus far in this voyage we're on...discovering previous unhealthy patterns of communication and coping mechanisms...he has shared with me intensely private things from his past and seems to be making progress...i have been astounded at my ability to listen and not judge...i truely love this man:)
...i will be having a b-day on the 4th and moving on that same day so i have christened my 36th year as a year of new beginnings...i have a time line in place of 12 mos for significant change to take place in this relationship... this is huge for me because now i can just relax and keep working on me knowing that i don't have to make any big decisions today or tomorrow and that i can evaluate the progress i've made in my own life more objectively on a less frequent basis as opposed to daily...i've been evaluating the core things that make me who i am and formulating a plan to restore stability in my life...what my boundaries are...where my triggers are...unresolved issues, etc...at this point i still believe it to be beneficial for wbf and i to seek IC and as time passes as a couple...askme had a very valid ? for me...what attracted me to a SA since the problem was there long before i came along?...excellent ? and one i intend to evaluate fully... that's where i am today...j

quick update: BF (notice i am no longer saying WBF?) & I have been talking and talking about everything...it is almost like a dam has broken and the bits and pieces of the puzzle are trickling out...I can honestly say that without working on myself as I have been we would have never have made it to this place (I will not go back to that place even if i have to read books for the rest of my life!!) We seem to be connecting on a whole new level and we both like it:) I am trying not to be unrealistic or demanding because I know that with SA the behaviors are going to die a slow death as he continues to work. He remains completly willing to place an accountability software on his computer. He has been honest with me as to his slips (DL'ing porn, etc...).
...I have never been this forgiving of a person.... I continue to battle my feelings of resentment and victimization but those too are unhelthy cycles only I can break. Time is of the essence here as I continue to evaluate the deeper feelings associated with all that I have found out...namely fear, distrust, & disappointment.
....FEAR...who me, scared? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />...Oh yes, and we have even had a few times when we were able to say "I feel threatened right now...let's take 10 mins" and were able to come back and communicate honestly and openly once again!...I am so grateful to have found principles that really are effective in catalyzing change:)....
Today is move day. Antibiotics are attacking the Strept throat. Today is the first day of a year of new beginnings:)