Hi All,

I'm new to the forum and this is my second post. I've been trying to implement plan A (this was the approach I was using even before I found this site and read the book). Right after D-day WH had voluntarily stopped seeing the other woman (except at work since they work in the same department) and we did a ton of talking about the affair. We'd plan to spend an hour or 2 every three days discussing it. During this time things improved for us. He was pleasant to be around and we even had a few times where I think we were both able to enjoy each other's company and forget what has happened...at least for a few moments...

About 3-4 weeks after d-day, I had to go away. His behavior took a big step backwards upon my return. He was right back to treating me the way he had been when he was in the midst of the A. So I becam suspicious and began snooping. I found out he called her twice while I was away. When I questioned him he admitted to meeting her for lunch then going to a hotel. I was crushed. I was trying so hard to trust and believe in him. I know it was naive of me, but I had not yet found this site or read SAA.

After this second confrontation, he said he would really try to stay away from her and not talk to her at work. I have a "spy" at his office and she has told me he has become very quiet at work too, rarely being social and he doesn't seem to be seeking out or speaking to the OW very often, but I'm told she is contantly watching for him when he comes out of his office (he's one of her bosses).

I've been checking the cell phone, home phone and computer and it doesn't appear that he's contacted her unless he's using a pay phone when he's out... So he may be really trying to stand by the NC.

But he's in major withdrawl right now and physically ill on top of it so he is miserable. He keeps snapping at the kids, he won't speak to me unless I force the issue, when he does respond to something I ask him directly he won't look at me, he usually walks out of the room if I walk in, he won't eat dinner at the table with us, etc. It's like I'm a non-entity. Even before he got sick, he was like this, it's just worse now that he is sick. I've tried to do things for him, get things for him, help take care of him but he refuses everything I do. He won't even allow me to get a glass of water for him. If I get one for him, he ignores it and will eventually get up and get his own.

This indifference is killing me. I'll do fine for a few days, then this treatment will get to me and I'll get upset and usually start crying or pushing to get him to just speak to me. It hurts so much!!! However, I'm back to exercising and going to church and praying daily. I'm reading everything I can get my hands on about affairs. We are both going through IC. But the pain is still there.

Part of me wants him to move out just so I can find some peace. So how have you managed to keep doing plan A without loosing your mind??? I've been doing this for 2-3 weeks, but there is no sign of him getting better. I don't know if I am strong enough to keep on this path much longer.

Any advice or sharing or your experiences with this would be appreciated.

Thanks.

That just like my Squid when she was withdrawing.

i wrote down all my experiences then AND the fantastic advise I got HERE There's hope. Squid's now a loving repentant spouse. I hope this helps.

Hi seeking,

Welcome here - I'm sorry for the pain that brought you.

These withdrawal symptoms also sound familiar to me - my H had several tries at NC and we also had a false recovery before his A truly ended.

It sounds as though you are doing the right things for yourself - exercising, praying, eating well (ha! like I could eat - but when I did, I tried to make sure it was either nourishing or off the charts in "self-care"), seeing an IC. I hope you are able to get some sleep, too.

I know it's killing you, but keep trying to not let yourself rise to his indifference. Knowing that it's "normal" doesn't make it any easier, but unfortunately, any outburst from you has a negative effect on those Love Bank deposits you're pouring in right now.

I would also encourage you to start thinking about your Plan B if you haven't already. The fact that your H and OW still work together is a big problem. Even if he "tries" to stay away from her, he still sees her. Or, lives in the eternal hope of seeing her. Each sighting, each email, each "wonder if she's around the next corner" will set your husband back to square one in withdrawal.

(Sorry hon, I speak from experience on this one. We only got recovery off the ground when my H left school, despite several attempts to "stay away" from his classmate/OW which included accountability partners and everything.)

Set a time limit for Plan A - it will help you to stay strong if you know there is a definite end point. Prepare your Plan B. Continue being vigilant with your spying.

It's a rocky road - but you'll make it.

G

Hi Bob,

I've just spent the last 3 hours reading your story and all the links you shared...I'm still not done, but I am at work and really should try to get something done. But is so hard right now. I'm obsessed with this situation and it hard to concentrate on anything else. I'll do some more reading at home tonight...

However, I did want to take a moment to tell you what an inspiration you and your story are! As I read it, I feel like that's me!!! Your thoughts, your words, your actions and everything you went through mirrors me and my life right now.

I am at the point of deciding whether or not to tell the OW's husband. D-day was June 7th. I called the OW first and confronted her, just minutes before my husband got home so they would not have time to talk and work out a story before I confronted him. She confessed to everything and said, "We didn't mean for it to happen, it just did." She then begged me not to tell her H. I agreed at the time thinking I didn't want to hurt any other innocent parties like I had been hurt.

After the confrontation (where we managed to talk fairly civily for almost 4 hours), my husband said he would end the A. At that point I had not read anything nor found this site yet, so I had no idea the addictive nature of an A or what was to come. I thought he'd make a decision to either go or stay and if he decided to stay, that meant he loved me more and we'd begin to try and work on our marriage. OK, so I am really naive!

Since then, things have actually proceded much as your situation did. He managed to stay away from her for almost a month, but they got together when I had to be away for a few days. This actually hurt even more than the initial discovery. I wanted to trust him and believe in his promise not to see her. I'd been making every effort to be loving and forgiving. We'd made appointments for IC and were planning on MC after a few weeks. But with this discovery my ability to trust him at all went down the tubes. I'm now snooping and spying on his every move. I feel like a lunatic! This is not the type of person I ever though I would be!!!

So that's when I began reading and found this site. Now I've learned just how ignorant and naive I was about affairs and their affect on everyone involved. They say knowledge is power, but I feel anything but powerful.

Like you, I tend to analyze everything said and done, to the point of making myself nuts. So I am weighing whether to disclose the the OW's H or not. My husband said something about him being abusive (but I don't know if this is true or what kind of abuse it is???) and as much as I hate her for what they have done, I wouldn't be able to live with myself if her H attacked her because of my exposing this.

Yesterday, he had to go to a work related viewing (his boss' mother died). He was very sick all weekend, but because it was for his boss' mother he felt he had to go. I'm afraid the OW was there too and they may have gotten together again afterwards. Unfortunately it was my step mother's birthday and I was committed to taking the kids to a BBQ other wise I would have gone to spy on him. So as you can imagine I've been fretting over this non stop. I'm guessing he left the house around 5:45 and I started calling the house around 7:30, thinking he should have been home by then. I called every 15 minutes and he didn't answer until 8:30. Not sure how they do things on your side of the Pond, but around here most people only walk through a reception line which can take 15-30 minutes, then when I factor in drive time and a little social time, I think he should have been home by 7:30. What do you supposed he might have done in that extra hour???? See! See!!! This is what I have come to! I am making myself nuts!!! I've called a few of his coworks that I do know and none of them went to the viewing, so I have no way of really knowing what may or may not have happened.

At any rate, when I got home he told me he was worn out from getting up and going to the viewing, but that he wanted to spend some time talking the next night(tonight). Of course I've been on pins and needles all last night and today wondering what he is going to say. I do plan to ask him directly if the OW was there and if he met with her. If so, then I'll probably contact the OW's husband asap.

Oooops, did not meant to let this get so long. I have to get going. I will try to check in later.

whether you believe in the general principle of "exposure" or not... The other person's spouse DESERVES TO KNOW! spare them what you are going through, at least to a greater degree!

If you dont tell them.. then the OP may move on to ANOTHER affair, and the spouse will have an even uglier mess to deal with.

Contrariwise, if you manage to break up your WS's affair, then the OP will be in withdrawal already, and so their spouse will be in a better position to negotiate healing if they are aware of this.

It will hurt like ******, but you should not deny them the opportunity to heal their marriage either.

Now.. given that this will also benefit the OP.. you probably are a little inclinded to do this right now :-) but try not to think of them. think of the undeservedly hurt spouse on the other side.

You have received good advice already - focus on being you, but not being compliant and accepting 'no boundaries'. Exposure to the other person's partner is important - how much they can assist in breaking things up is up to them. My WH works with the OW and its very hard to make significant progress in this situation . The OW partner can be a useful ally - in my situation we plan A'd at the same time - unfortunately he did not move to Plan B when I did - and I have to say this did not help. As my WH has been plan b'd since December the OW continues to fence sit and cake eat - and he does not do much about it as I guess he loves her too much to do it. Keep the faith and the best advice is 'be still'. There is a very helpful thread on this which I find to be of great help when I feel that it is all a bit hard.