many of you have seen my posts about what was going on. my wife left me because she loved me but wasnt in love with me. and wanted to have time to get her feelings back. well after (i think) 3 weeks she made a mistake and let me in on her secret.(she doesn't know i know) so hard to keep it from her till the time is right like its my only chance, cant mess it up. i found out she talks to this guy all the time and emails back and forth. he lives in another state but has business here and i fell he is moving here in the near future. i know they are pursuing each other but dont know if they have got intimate yet or committed adultry in a physical way yet. i dont know if i should expose what i have now or wait till maybe he gets here and something physical happens. i would like to head this off before anything physical happens if possible. i want to work this out with her because i still love her. i bring up questions about an affair without divulging i know anything yet. just by asking her if there is anyone that she is getting attached to. she always says no and tells me she wants to work it out with me. she even set up marriage couseling set to begin this friday. (we dont have to pay for it job does). we even set up date night to be only (leave 2 1/2 with family). i guess she is doing this to keep me around for awhile till she decides OUR fate. i guess my question is when do you know to expose what you have to family and friends? i have been thinking how hard that will be but know i have to to safe our marriage but dont want to to early and have it backfire. all i know right now is there is an emotional affair with them talking to each other all the time and emailing. i believe she told him we were divorced or seperated only because she refers to me as her baby's father. he was either married or still is. told her he wasnt married anymore but was confronted and said told the person he WAS married but only to avoid arguing over it. sorry for the rambling but i am so hurt and worried for my family now. ready for any questions or comments on what to do to help me out.

ty

EXPOSE HER [censored] NOW. THIS MINUTE.

MAn up.

Read the infidelity FAQ's (Linked below in my sig)

Get "Surviving an Affair" and "His Needs, Her Needs"

Read everything you can on this site.

its not about manning up or nothing its just if i have enough to have our families on board with me. i already decided i will do it all i have are emails back and forth. i just want to make sure you cant do this to early and have it back fire. i dont know never felt like this or been thru anything like it. just want to make sure i do it right.

Well it's your choice of course if you want to actually catch them in bed screwing each other. This isn't a court of law you know. WHat do the emails say?

IMMF there is every indication your wife is in an affair. So many WS deny until there is a seperation then magically they shack up with OM soon after so they can assuage their guilt a little.

You have to study and work, mate.

Time to study all you can on MB and "love must be tough" by James Dobson. Learn about the dynamics and symptoms of affairs.

Be a MAN and set the benchmark for righteousness and high-mindedness in a f'ked up situation. Be a hero to draw the sting from everyone affected's lives so decisions can be made while NOT in existential pain.
IMMF your wife has never needed you to be a MAN as much as she does right now. She is incapable of a healthy relationship with anyone, not you, God or OM. She is infected by affair fog. This is not a myth. Your studies will show you that.

Its your job to reestablish calm and a fertile environment for marriagebuilding discussion. No-one else in you rsituation is capable of so doing.

I know exactly how you feel that everything is hopeless, but that is your emotional response, not fact.

You owe it to your kids, yourself, your wife and the vow you made before God to be strong and calm - a beacon of light and hope in a terrible situation.

Only then, once passions have subsided and calmness prevails can any of you make sensible decisions about your futures.

Whatever any of you decides permanently now will be regretted in future I guarantee it.

I have learned, and I truly believe that there is no higher state of grace for a man than to be what his family needs in troubled times, particularly when he doesn't feel capable of so being.

Be a knight not a serf. take control of yourself and spread your calm through all your lives. Be restrained and objectived.

In that way you can be proud even if you DON'T make recovery.

Stop the (understandable) self pity and step up to the plate. Your wife needs you to save her from herself. Are you up to the challenge IMMF ?

I'm just a bloke and I managed to do this against all the indicators. And I have never been prouder of anything I've ever done in my life.

Study MB. Address your issues. Love your wife while understanding the dynamics affecting her behaviour and thought processes right now. You wil be amazed how much more positive you will feel when you are taking affirmative, brave action against your troubles.

And it starts now with being the husband your wife doesn't currently deserve and the father your kids DO deserve.

Your calm and decency will shine like a beacon against the chaos of your WWs actions, and it WILL make an impression on the good woman that is captive beneath all her fog.

Hunker down for the long run but DEAR GOD it WILL be worth it. My life is transformed now - genuinely happy from a situation where that seemed impossible. But you have to calm down against your every instinct and act up.

Stop the indecision. You're entitled to it but as Dr. Phil would say "how's THAT workin' out for ya?". Many of we BS would have KILLED for anopportunity to stop an affair before it became physical. You may have that right now.

Read ALL the articles on this site. Buy "Surviving an affair". Sit at the feet of Ark, WAT, Just Learning ,Pep and the other battle scarred but proud warriors who have pulled SO MANY of us from the firestorm over the years. And have faith that you can do this.
Then start to identify people your wifes and OMs life that might apply a moral pressure on him if they knew of his affair. Exposure is a very effective tool. Find out anything you can about OM. Hire a PI if necessary. Then you can expose him too.

Fighting for your marrige is actually fighting for your SOUL> I know this to be true.

Fight IMMF. And be a man your wife will respect once her fog drops.

oh god no i would never want to see that. them saying how much they missed each other him sending pics and her saying he is sexy but way better in person. about him going swimming and her not being able to see him half naked or to rub him down with lotion.how they cant wait till he comes back here. alot of the basic flirting. god i cant even think of everything. i will give better examples when i get home and can look at them.

WOW thank-you bob! that was a great motivation. i know i cant do it yet because i have to secure the finances i was the sole provider but she managed the money. going to do it today or tom. when she has time to go with me to put my name on the account. i hope to god i cant stop this before anything physical happens. u think a couple emails are enough? im trying to get a hold of his ex wife or wife (whatever she is) and find out some more facts. i have emailed here yesterday and a couple of her friends to let them know something is up and to contact me. thats kinda why im waiting to get them both at the same time.

Are you sure they haven't met and had sex? Sounds very much like a PA to me.

i dont know but i dont think so because he is in a different state. the only way would be when he was here for his job so i dont know for sure. thats one thing i will ask the wife or exwife when she contacts me. when he was here and when he is coming back. she is also very self-conscience about here body after the the baby that she wont send him a picture of anything other than her in clothes that hide her insecerities(sp?) but yea she could have i dont deny anything that could or might have happened anymore. she most likely never went to meet him after he left because of the distance she would be gone for more than a day.

IMMF- study - an EA ( emotional affair) can be just as damaging as a PA (Physical affair) - in some cases worse because WS ( wayward spouses) can convince themselves nothing is wrong because no sex took pace.

You have to get a handle on this.

FAST get a hold on your money and your kids passports. Hopefully you won't need to use these preparations but its best to get them inplace.

Then do not hesitate to hire a PI to find out about OM. If he is married you can expose to his W. If not you can expose to others in his life who may be able to effect some pressure on him.

And you need to kick off a stormin' plan A. Get arighteous fire in your belly. Read up on this in the articles on this site, but also buy "surviving an affair" by Willard harley. Its a wonderful resource.

You at war br'a. You just haven't started shooting yet.

Make sure you print those emails or forward them to an account that you control before you confront your WW. Otherwise you may find all your evidence deleted within an hour.

Also print the cell records for the same reason.

Otherwise secure the heck out of your finances. Change the passwords on everything - bank account, investments, online credit card access - everything. I suggest you take her off all accounts possible, but would defer to Bob if he has different advice. Don't do it piecemeal; do it all at once or she'll find one changed and get suspicious.

Confront and expose immediately after you get everything secured. Don't wait for her to find a changed password and come ask you about it.

bit bucket is right.

I set up seperate accounts and transferred everything from our joint accounts leaving only enough to cover commitments. Changed passwords on everything.

And remember she WILL get pissed at this. Have a response ready " I will do what I believe is best for our marriage. I am sorry you don't agree with me" type thing.

Good luck.

well after she could tell that i knew some things she confessed that she met him when he was here on business and not in school like she said. and that they never hung out just talked at her work and on the phone. when he left she continued to communicate with him. she still says that she still only has feelings for me as a friend but still wants to go to MC but she said to work on our friendship because thats all she feels for me. is this kind of thinking normal? what do i do if she doesn't break communication?

IMMF,

Sometimes a WS will agree to go to a MC just so they can say they are trying. Sometimes they go just so they can hope to find that the MC agrees that they should divorce. Whatever reason she goes is OK as long as your MC is on the right track. If the MC is on the wrong track, it is another matter...

What does your MC say? Does (s)he say straight out that the purpose of MC is to improve your marriage? Or is this one of those wishy-washy types who supports "whatever" as long as somebody is happy with it?

There is (or used to be) a section on this site entitled "how to select a marriage counselor". Try to find it. It might be helpful.

-AD

we start MC on fri(tom) so one of the 1st questions to ask is if he believes in trying to make the marriage better? and not working towards divorce. i will ask that. anything else? also is it normal for her to feel like she doesn't want to be married and just be friends? she said she wants to get her feelings back but that is how she feels as of now. could it be she is still thinking about the other guy? kinda in withdrawel? just trying to understand never been thru any of this before. wondering if we have a chance.

Starting MC usually means the 1st session is a fact finding one for the MC. Generally mostly hearing both sides and giving a few assignments. All the thought provoking questions come later.

So it is important you get ahold of yourself. Pray for a clear mind, calm heart and lots of patience. This session isn't going to fix it. This is just the beginning. Be patient.

Where r u with your plan A and iding your boundaries?

L.

we are still seperated with her living at her moms. she agreed to no contact with the other male. i have talked to the OM wife and we will contact each other if we find something out. she said go ahead and check the phone records that she will not talk to him agian. we will still talk about it every now and then but i know i cant ask her about it everyday. im making the home a warm place and being very patient and trying to make her feel comfortable. trying to show her why we fell in love in the first place. we talk on the phone everyday and actually feels like we are talking better than ever before. not getting mad and upset with each other but staying calm and listening. one thing i do need to stop is trying to talk sense into her and get her to see the good in our marriage and commit to working things out. i understand that that pressures her big time and will push her away.

The next question for you is when will you be done with your plan A changes and how long do you think you can keep up this 'being nice' with no return?

L.

its not that she is mean. we get along fine. dont really fight or argue at all anymore.

So u r ok with her current attitude and actions?

Make sure you are not settling for less than you deserve.

L.