i let her know that i dont want to be just friends that i want to be her husband. i let her know that at some point she will have to move back in if we want our marriage to work, but i understand that we need to take it slow and not pressure her. is that what you mean Orchid.

Preface: Remember you can't teach a WS ANYTHING while they are a WS. You can by your actions (and some words) show them the way but don't expect them to admit it....until later.

Given the above that's where patience comes in. You mentioned the Ws is not being mean and u 2 had a nice discussion.

Unless that's a permanent change, it don't count. Why? Because your hurt when she slips back into the WS mode will hurt all over again. However, if you know it is temporary it will give you the chance to work on that part of her persona. Remember there are 2 characters still alive within her soul, the WS and your W.

Recognize when each comes out and learn to adjust HOW to communicate with each. Go read His Needs/Her Needs. The general guidelines will help.

take care,
L.

As long as you two aren't living together, you aren't working on your marriage. You may each be working on yourselves, but you aren't working on your marriage.

Do you think the MC will tell her she should move in to work on the marriage??

Stop spending time trying to 2nd guess everything. Work on what you have within your power and control.

Here's why:

1. If the MC tells her to move forward....whose to say how she will take it? Correctly or in a foggy way?

2. If the MC tell her to work on her M....whose to say how she will take it? Correctly or in a foggy way?

See? Regardless of what the MC says, if her frame of mind is not working......the results c/b different.

Don't fret over a WS. Go work on you so you can find your W.

L.

IMMF,

How are you? What's new?

-AD

im doing alright i guess. we went to the MC on fri but after hearing our story he said that it had nothing to do with me and that he wanted to talk with her and he said "we (him and my wife) should have this figured out without taking months and months". left there feeling helpless like i have nothing to do in our marriage. has this ever happened to anyone else? i figured he would want to talk to us seperatly but to not have us there together again? we have already set up an appointment with another MC but not till the end of AUG. she agreed she wouldn't have contact with him again but what do i do if i find out she is having contact with him? before i found out about him she would get mad about me saying anything about maybe another man but now she acts like it doesn't bother her if i ask her questions about him.

Can u make an appointment with Jennifer C @ MB for some phone counseling? She will help you both get a plan.

L.

IMMF - first cardinal rule of marriage counseling is that BOTH spouses are present all the time. No secrets. Everyone gets to hear everything because the focus is the MARRIAGE, not the individual.

Get a new counselor.

Just my 2 cents. I wouldn't believe she has no contact. Truthfully, she needs to move back in with you if she is sincere about saving your marriage.

Have you heard about the 180? It works. The little I was able to implement on it worked on my ex WS.

Here's the thing. It is very easy to be weak at this time. It is very easy to give in when she throws a fit. The problem is that if you become a doormatt, you will lose. The WS will not respect a doormat. Trust me, I lost my wife because I allowed myself to become a doormat.

The reason it is easy to give in is because you feel that things are so fragile right now that if you upset her it will be the final straw that forces her out. Unfortunately, it is the opposite and it is the harder thing to do.

Make sure you separate your finances. Setup a separate account and cut her access to the money. She'll be furious but you really need to do it to protect yourself and your family. I really wish I had done this and I paid dearly for not doing so.

Second, don't trust a word she says. She's already broken the trust and has already shown that she lies by not being truthful when you first confronted her. My ex did similar things. She told me her myspace site was only there so she could make friends in the area and nothing more. When I broke into her account I found out it was much more than that and that she was heavily flirting and had a ONS.

After that, she told me she was no longer in contact with a man she was attracted to. I got the cell phone records and found out this was a lie as well. After that she told me that she no longer had a myspace account. I found out she did. She tried to setup a secret one, caught that one as well.

Later said that the best chance we had was to divorce and have time apart to heal so we could come back together later and start over. A lie.

Continued to re-enforce that idea and I went along with it because I was trusting she was telling me the truth.

Brother, trust me, they can't be trusted. WSs are pure and simply evil. You are in love with who she was and not who she is. Do plan A, but be strong.

Have Plan B ready. It may be what it takes to shake her out of her reality.

Also, consult a lawyer just in case. This is merely for your own protection. Trust me when I tell you that you are too emotional right now to think straight and a lawyer can do that for you.

Have you saved all the e-mails? Do you have kids?

A lawyer can be prepared in case this starts moving towards divorce. Simply consulting him/her is for your protection and nothing more. You MUST do this. It is a "Just in case" option.

The one time I got my W (when she was my W) to a MC with me, he kicked me out and spent an hour talking with her about her childhood. Neither she nor I found that to be helpful. She didn't go back. I went by myself a couple more times, but only because I had paid in advance for a package of hours.

I agree with you, that it does not seem helpful for him to talk with her alone. But, I could be wrong. I know that Steve Harley sometimes does that.

-AD

IMMF,

You may feel that people here are telling you that you aren't "doing it right". I just wanted to encourage you. You are in a very difficult situation - one you probably didn't anticipate. Nobody has anything like an easy time of it under such circumstances. You are young. This is not easy even for the old and experienced. Take care of yourself. Pace yourself. If you are going to win this, it will be a long slow slog - more of a marathon than a sprint.

You are doing as well as most folks on this board, and better than many.

This is not hard science. We are each just doing the best we can. Take care of yourself and your little girl. Be patient. Take one step at a time.

I'm rooting for you.

For others reading, here are a couple of IMMF's other threads :

IMMF's What to Expect Thread

IMMF's Is There Any Hope Thread

-AD

well had a session with a new MC friday. we told him our story and at the end he told us what he thought but said he wouldn't give advice today. he said that my wife needs to learn to be emotionally open to me instead of getting mad at me and trying to walk away nd forget them that she needs to try and talk with me when something upsets her. and that i need to try to make sure that im there for her bt not pressure her and if/when she comes to me with a problem to not try to solve it for her but just give her support.


what should i expect next session? i read somewhere that he should give us a plan or advice by a certain session or we are wasting our time? is that true?

Every MC is different. I don't know what to expect.
Did you tell him about your W's affair?


-AD

IMMF,

Any news?

-AD

well not much has changed except i found out that she was still talking to him every once in awhile about a week and a half ago (alot better than hours a day) but we talked about how she needed to break off all contact forever with him if she was serious about working on our marriage. she agreed (again) and called him and told him it would be best to quit talking to each other he agreed since i had called his wife and told her they were still talking. we have another appointment with the MC on the 29th of this month.

some good news thou i'm in the military and just got promoted to SSgt plus i got approved to get free eye surgery whoo hoo!! i started at the gym 2 weeks ago and never thought being so sore would feel so good! just when everything felt like it was falling apart good things started to happen. hopefully one day my family will be back together but leaving that in gods hands.

FWIW six months seems to be the magic number. Be diligent. If you can keep her away for that long and keep your sanity at the same time, things will definitely change. I had to use extreme measures to maintain NC but it paid off.

IMMF,

I'm not surprised that she is still talking to him. As hard as it might be to consider, they are likely not only talking, but meeting, or planning to meet.

Have you found out any more about OM?

and...

Congratulations on the promotion!

That certainly came at a good time!

-AD

they are not meeting since he lives about 9 hours away. his wife will call if he ever lives town even if he says to somwhere else. if they are talking we will have a hard time finding out since me and his wife have access to phone records and email accounts. so if they are talking they had to get new phones or set up new email accounts. but my wifes sister lives with her right now and she set up a key logger and nothing since she told him they should have no contact anymore.

That sounds good IMMF.

It sounds like you have a chance.

Read up on Emotional Needs, Love Busters etc. on this site.

Just click on <concepts> at the top of any page.

No guaranetees, but it should help.

-AD