Hello I am learning how to be. & it is hard.

How can I tell my husband he is acting like a fullblown jerk compassionately??

Basically husband rang me for contact no. of car dealer who service my car & who my Husband visited last week with a view to buying another car. I texted the main no. immediately.

Later when I found the mobile no. of the specific sales man I rang my Husband. What followed was a litany of shouting at me & cursing. I asked him why he was shouting at me & infront of whom, he got angrier louder & more fks directly against me, not the car, or his time or anything, he was directing all his negative cr4p at me personally, bottom line the car had to be checked immediately & he was late for work.

My response was in txt to him.
"So you are stressed which automatically enables you to permit Yourself to disrespect & try to hurt me. What within you decides to try to act uncaring? Thank you for acting responsibly with the car, would like me to organise a lift, or how would you like to proceed?"

His response "When I told you there was a prob with the car you sarcastically told me you know what my problem was & hung up (I honestly don't think I did that).Even now you don't give a sh1t about the situation only how you feel. I am on my way now but I don't need any more of your 'help'."

Ladies & Gentlemen, I can visualise my Husband's veins popping through his temples with rage, why does he do this to himself so unnecessarily.

More importantly why does he think it's ok to threat me like a battering ram for his pent up frustrations?

Is it a man thing do you think?

How can I help him without wounding his ego?

Thank you, one very tired of this saddened & calm lady.

How can I tell him how much it hurts me when he curses at me & calls me names without wounding his ego?

Please Help me get my head around this.

I am learning to be still & not react.

Your not talking to his ego. He sounds like I used to be (a carbon of my own sperm doner). Let me guess, he goes through life as if everyone is out to get him. He has a chip on his shoulder and flies off the handle at the littlest things.

Your husband has to learn to focus his energies by acting in a more responsible way. He probably should seek counseling, I did and I got a great counselor the second time (1st didn't know or do anything.)

How do you suggest this? I don't know. It came to me that I had to change. In some ways, my WS Affair woke me up to all the awful ways I behaved.

No matter what you say, he will take it as an attack on his person. I would suggest giving him the EN questionnaire and filling it out for yourself. Tell him you want a happier marriage and you think this will help.

Ask him to fill your ENs and you fill his.

Thank you Thorstein.

My Husband's world is divided into a55holes, admireables & possibles & not worthy of his time.

"No matter what you say, he will take it as an attack on his person" this is sooo true, I do not know a way around it, even a compliment is not taken sincerily.

Counselling is seen as a luxury by him, & he suggs I should get it to help me get over my baggage (husband has had a few too many affairs).

I would like to do those emotional needs questions however he views this site as something very bad for us.

The wake up calls have come for him, he calms for a while, then when all seems ok, I offer an opinion could be anything like where to put a child's swing, that is not concurrent with his opinion & suddenly I am accussed of challenging him, he gets very angry & defensive of himself needlessly.

How did you turn yourself around?

All advice appreciated.

More importantly why does he think it's ok to threat me like a battering ram for his pent up frustrations?

Is this not just the same pattern that you both have engaged in your entire marriage...

is this not how you two communicate...

you rage
he rage

over and over and over...

high stress situation for your husband..
car broke
late for work..

this is exactly where the same old same old pattern immerges for both of you..

YOU need anger management classes...

infact you may have taught him this...

AND I don't mean any of this meanly or confrontationally

I mean it because this is how you two communicate..

and it's time to begin with you learning new ways...
AND
this is NOT the time to find a way to compassionately call him a jerk...

in fact he knows he's a jerk when he reacts that way..
the same you know you're a jerk when you do the same...

you can't help till you help yourself...

and you start with focusing on you.....
and you alone...

and know that when and if you get help to change your communication style..
you are going to see some escalation from him....

are you in counseling for this...
for YOU

ARK

Dear Shiela,
compassion is not about taking any sort of cràp.
It's about understanding that people can act like jerks because there is something inside them that makes them act that way.
It's about understanding that such behavior can change if the person comes to realise WHY he or she acts that way.
It's also about understanding where to draw the line so you will not let this person continue down this road with you.
It's about standing up for yourself (compassion for yourself..) and making clear, in a gentle but firm way, that things need to change.

As I understand from your previous posts, you are the one with the anger problem and your H is responding in kind.
I do think outside help is vital.

When my wife started her physical affair, I was crushed. I searched the internet to see if our marriage could be saved and I came here.

You said he had wake up calls. Temporary ones. One of mine was getting caught DWI and actually being let go when my pregnant wife pulled up next to us. Last time I ever drove drunk.

It was my children, I think. I did not want to be like the guy who claimed to be my father. I went to therapy for anger management and was told I was actually depressed.

Wellbutrin XL has helped me gain a hold of my outbursts. My wife had talked to me about it all the time and I only took it as an attack.

Unfortunately, any real change can only come from within.

Good Luck,

I think you and my wife have a lot in common: that you have had the patience and loved the man he sees inside trying to break out.

Thank you for your responses, I have spent the last few days thinking deeply about it all.

Here is the post I came from Hi Shiela - emotional needs forum

Ark, Browhair & Thornstein you all make perfect sense.

I DID go for anger management by my own choice the facilitators accessed me & said absolutely no that I do NOT have an anger management problem, it is a communications problem with my husband.

I find it extra difficult to remain calm & compassionately loving when told by my husband even upto yesterday:
Yeah sure your worthy & he walks away - no affection, no caring. He consistently says he doesn't care how I feel.

How can I let go the past & not feel upset, when he keeps telling me he sacrificed the love of his life to be with me.

I don't love you, i fking hate you, etc., etc.,

Yet when all is well in his world he says he loves me & is committed to our marriage & will never stray again that all those women meant nothing. That he'd never do that to himself again, & he'd warn others of the ****** it is to go home.

I am calm.

In making my feelings known he takes it as a putdown & personal attack. It is not, it is me asking for understanding, for caring, for an equality.

Help please.

Yes there has been a horrible destructive pattern.

I am not participating in that as much as I can remain conscious.

I don't want to dread him coming home for the rest of my life.

Help.

My husband says he is only REACTING TO ME

That's pretty typical for someone who uses rage or verbal abuse...it is never their problem, and they don't need help....it is always their partner who caused it all.

That IS happening.

help me with the intensity of my feelings please.

I am stuck between accepting horrible treatment of me & hoping he will eventually care.

My downfall is that I DO Open up to him with honest feelings - he denys me my feelings - says I am full of cr4p if I express sadness or hurt - tells me I have to grow up & face reality, the past is in the past, I have to let go.

Yet I feel he is the one who is NOT supporting or caring emotionally.

I feel so lonely in this marriage.

When I try to brooch any subject that is not physical he reminds that I am a complete waste of space, a user & a fk up with too much baggage, because I do not earn as much as I said I would & am still deeply hurt, lacking in complete trust & forgiveness.

I do know he too would enjoy our relationship if I were content.

I do not know how to tell him it is exactly because of his hurtful current comments that I am dragged down.

Because he will tell me to get a life, that I am being unrealistic expecting him to love me when we don't even have respect or trust.

That respect & trust are the foundations when they are established then he might consider taking us up a level.

But he clearly states I am deluding myself if I ever hope for romance with him. Oh sure you can hope for it, but I doubt that will ever happen for you.

I am broken.

And ready to heal.

I guess I sound like a major pity party.

I am not. I am simply honest as to how things really are from my perspective.

From his he probably feels like a sh1t everytime I 'talk' about how I feel.

And all I really want is a strong hug & to be told he loves me.

I stop myself from sending him text or ringing him at work to tell him I love him, because he gets angry.

Ok so he knows he is being a jerk!

How can I help him not to be one?

Am I being too unrealistic, or too high in expectation/pressure to suggest it will not dimish his manliness but actually add to it if he would be loving & caring to me even if or more especially when he does not feel like it?

Haven't said it but do feel like it

Your thoughts....

shiela

how many children are in the home...

what is the reality of their exposure to verbal abuse

ARK

You cannot keep him from being a jerk. You can control how you act, what treatment you will/won't accept, and so on.

A great book for you would be: The Verbally Abusive Relationship--How To Recognize It and How To Respond

I have to ask just as a basis of where I am at if you don't mind, the above situ re car breakingdown etc, I can fully understand his stress levels mounting. How should I have handled it for a better more loving outcome?



Ark we have 2 children an 8 & 4 year old.

They are both at different levels of development.

The 4 year old has not seen or heard much beyond a grumpy rebuff from Husband to me, then he changes to huge big smiles hugs & kisses for the child. This child so far seems very secure, confident, happy & simply accepts & expects love & gets it from everyone incountered.

The 8 year is at a period of 'right v wrong'. A very moralistic stage & crucial for his own sense of well being is to see fairness in action. This child does carry the scars of outright rejection though he is unaware why he doubts his Daddy's sincerity of being 'there' to hear him. (The toughest times were during this child's age 2 - 5yrs)(I think cognitive memory kicks in at about 2).

Sadly this very deep effect is something his Daddy does not want to talk about but does recognise.

We have spent the last 3years intensely aware of building up our oldest ideas of himself & creating Happy Memories of Childhood for him, giving him a sense of healthy self.

We both love our children deeply.

And want more than anything to have them feel & believe they are both completely safe, secure, loved, accepted & very much wanted children.

We have worked very closely with both children to assure them of their completeness as they are.

We do avoid drama & confrontation in front of them in as much as we are capable.

Often times I feel my husband uses the children as an avoidance tactic - in that we have room to chat while the children play he actually gets up & sits in the middle of their play thus vetoing any ongoing discussion.

That would have been part of the dance we engaged in.
We talk, husband gets uncomfortable (just as I) he leaves the convo unresolved, & I wait, he does not return to the subject, if I do bring it up again, I am being abusive trying to talk about something he has no desire to discuss.



When I said I dread him coming home I should've stated he is always pleasant to our children & is actually very dissappointed if they don't rush to greet him, he has great smiles & hugs for them. It is I who get tossed aside or barely greeted by him I feel insignificant to him at times depending on his mood. He may or may not say hello, he may or maynot allow me to hug him, he may or may not have a cuppa with me. He may or may not be pleasant.



Kam I do not have the book, but have certainly heard of it.

I read the excerpt on amazon, re evaluation.

The fact is I or rather we have no doubt that verbal abuse is happening. It takes two to tango. My husband feels abused by my anger. I feel abused by his. Yet we stick together, neither being fully relaxed, wondering when the 'next time' will be & what form it will take.

The point is HOW to stop it & engage meaningfully & constructively where both parties feel respected.

We both agree we would like our marriage to work - right now however it is not at a place where we would like to be.


Thank you,
Shiela.

shiela..

I am gravely concerned about the LEVEL of verbal onslaughts and language your husband uses...

I think you and girls should move out until he goes to anger management class...

his repetitive mantras of you and women being useless is very concerning..
his multiple affairs....

etc.....

I have grave concerns about daughters growing in to women around such a man
I have grave concerns about daughters watching their mother treated thusly....

what says you sheila...

how uncomfortable can you be for short term if you truly want a long term goal of a healthy marriage...

I think you need extreme measures for your safety and for him to even be motivated to really try to change...

ARK

Thank you for hearing me.

Yes our children are very much the centre of our lives.

There can be no denying that they are impacted.

On the children - we are agreeing fully that it is up to us to work together to help them especially the oldest believe in himself for who he is.

This is soooo tricky to get accross to the child in the current, (he does suffer the scars of a marriage in turmoil).

We are focusing on 'Love Yourself' because you are perfect as you are. It is not what you do or don't do, have or have not, we love you for you the wonderful child that was created from love, is love & is loved. We love you anyway.

Esteem, esteem, esteem. self worth, self value, self belief.

Our Child Centred Goal - Creating Happy Childhood Memories.
_______________________

In conjunction to the joint parenting we are to improve as individuals first then as a couple.

The current agreed steps of change are:
No arguing or discussions where children may (even if assumed asleep) hear us.

No cursing, derogatory statements or belittling.


So far day 3 of living this.... had to call it twice only "hey that was kind of hurtful to me, sounded like my idea is not worthy of being heard, is that what you meant?"

Was received well, & responded pleasantly with "sorry no, didn't mean that, just feeling impatient" wow I am relieved to hear that & discussion (about piece of furniture) continued to joint peaceful agreement! double wow!

Husband said last night when asked was he happy "I wish we could be like this all the time".

I am holding back from telling him I am fully committed to this as I have a niggling doubt that when he hears it he may not continue in the positive track he is on.

I said "I do not want to do anything without agreeing it with you first & that your happy about it too", he really appreciated that.
______________

Small but so significantly positive steps, I think.

What do you think?

Shiela