Hi guys,<BR>I just read on another thread how your W had percieved you as pushing her toward something she didn't want. You then continued Plan A and it eventually paid off. My question is during this time was she screaming divorce or just asking for space??? <P>The reason I ask is I'm just trying to get a feel for how common it is for the Spouse to want a divorce and nothing more. I know that my situation is not the typical here and that may be the problem. ( she cheated on me and left, 7 weeks later I got drunk and cheated on her ), I think ever since I did that her mindset has been divorce and nothing more. I wonder if her pride has anything to do with this?? She does tell me she loves me and always will, So I just don't get it.<P>Any insight???<P>------------------<BR>Rutger......One day at a time.<P>

Rutger - <P>Hi ya bud. My guess is that she is still pissed about YOUR indiscretion...despite what she did.<P>I say keep showing her the plan A stuff and also try getting her into joint counseling. If she hears opinions from a 3rd party she may soften her stance.

Hey pal,<BR>I hope your right, I have to admit that I have been thinking of filing for divorce. I guess it's the rollercoaster thing and I am getting tired of this "impending doom" feeling ( waiting for the other shoe to drop). I hope she is just pissed and that she doesn't mean it. I offered joint couseling this weekend and she said no way. I told her the offer was on the table and to consider it. Oh well back to the drawing board.

R - Are you going to individual counseling? It may show her that you're serious.<P>Also, DON'T file for divorce unless you're willing to go through with it. DON'T use it as a threat or weapon...it can and will backfire.<P>Give her some time to cool down...maybe she will realize that what you did is no worse than what she did.<P>------------------<BR>He who has a "why" to live for can bear with almost any "how".<P>-Nietzsche-

Betraying spouses look for excuses for what they are doing. My H told me that if I had turned to someone else he wouldn't have returned to the marriage. (He's still got one foot out the door as it is).<P>You gave her a really good reason to think "The marriage will never work, look what Rutger did." You can't go back and undo that, all you can do is go forward in the best way possible. If your goal is the marriage, do not do anything that does not lead to your goal. (Easier said than done...I know.)<BR><P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"Do not get tired of doing what is right, for after awhile you will reap a harvest of blessings if you do not get discouraged and give up. (Gal 6:9)<P><BR>

Rutger -- I don't have a lot of time this morning, but I wanted to let you know that I did see this thread, and I will give you a real reply as soon as I have a little time.<P>Hang in there buddy.<P>God Bless

Rutger -- Sorry it took me so long to respond, but I had a pretty weird day at work and didn't get much time.<P>OK, to try and answer your question . . .<P>My W and I are a lot more "unique" in our story than even you are Rutger. I will try to give you the short story, but it may not be all that short. We'll see . . . <P>My W left me rather than face finacial problems which were going on at the time. She immediately filed a restraining order and tried to disappear. I continued for months to get my W to talk with me, to drop the restraining order, to get into counseling, etc. None of it seemed to work. On the few times that I even saw my W, if we talked at all, and if it seemed to me that we made any type of progress at all, she would disappear again for several weeks.<P>Like I said, our situation was very very unique.<P>Anyway, we did not begin to really talk at all for months. At one point I asked her if she would be willing to do something as a family, instead of my alloted 4 hours a week visitation with our daughter. We really did not start to really talk until one day, after a lot of proding via E-Mail due to her being obviously upset, that she told me she had been diagnosed with an STD.<P>She tried telling me that she contracted this as the result of a rape which occured before we even met. I believed this story, but as it turns out this was a result of an affair which had happened just a few weeks prior.<P>That was the start of our reconciliation. I did not find out about the affair until about 6 months after we got back together, and that is when I found this forum.<P>Like I said Rutger, my W and I are definitely not the norm on this forum. Yes we have gone through many, if not all, of the same emotions as everyone else.<P>I really don't know if this information helps you at all, but if there is anything else I can do to help you, then please feel free to ask, either here or though E-Mail.<P>God Bless

Shattered,<BR>I am going to individual counseling but I feel like we have hit a lull, A period of standstill so to speak for the last few sessions. I am considering going to another counselor and requesting that it be a woman. I do not want to divorce, she knows that, I am just so tired of waiting for the other shoe to drop. I guess I might be all talk right now but not for long unless I see some positive results soon.<P>Lor,<BR>I know I screwed up big time but I just want to move foreward with her. I hate to say this but due to my one night stand it has made it easier for me to forgive her, I guess I realized that she is human as am I. What is hurting now is that she is dating people...... Why? Is she actively seeking romance elsewhere or what??? <P>ES,<BR>It does help a little but I see now that are situation are different yet similar. I was just trying to figure out how common it was for the other spouse to scream divorce and not really mean it?? I can understand your W not wanting to talk regarding the STD. That would be tough. I guess maybe my W hasen't hit rock bottom like I have. I will have to wait for that. Anyway thanks again<P>------------------<BR>Rutger......One day at a time.<P>

Rutger -- <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>I was just trying to figure out how common it was for the other spouse to scream divorce and not really mean it??<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>I'm sorry if I didn't address this particular question. My W never screamed, talked or even whispered about anything. The first I knew there was a real problem was when I came home from work and found her gone. The next was a couple days later when I was served with the restraining order. The only other "hints" were her family members, specifically the one sister I thought I got along with, started telling me to plan on a divorce. Then she, the same SIL, gave me a note (hand written) from my W asking me to pay child support.<P>After we got back together, I found divorce paperwork which she, my W, had filled out completely, including the signature.<P><BR>I can understand your comment about your W not hitting bottom yet. Since I can remember the night you first posted, I know very well the pain you have and are continuing to go through. In my opinion, your W is no where near the bottom yet. I know that is probably hard to hear, but it sounds to me like you still have a while yet before she gets to that point.<P>One thing I used to tell myself was that until I was actually served with divorce papers, I was not going to give up on my W. I loved her inspite of the pain I felt. I think you are very close to being able to say that, so just hang in there.<P>God Bless<P>

Rutger,<BR>ABout 2 weeks after discovery and 1 week after first counseling session, I went to w and asked her why she had never filed for divorce since she was so unhappy. She replied that she was going the following week.<P>She left on July 2, but I never recieved any papers till late Aug. <P>Her lawyer had floated a proposal early on but I never saw it and then when the papers came it was a pretty basic 50-50 split up of our assets. She claims that my lawyer made up the floated proposal, but he had no reason to. So I've wondered if she didn't have something drawn up right away but backed down on signing it until she moved in with om.<P>The proposal she did send down now that I think of it was very lopsided in her favor and I wouldn't sign them. I wonder if that was a sign from her that she really didn't want to do it or was it bad lawyering?<P>Also part of it I think was that she was trying to get me to file so that she could have said that I divorced her in order to save some face.

ES,<BR>That my friend, was exactly what I was looking for. I guess "it ain't over till it's over". The fear of divorce and her saying she wants it really hurts. Your right, Even though she is telling me she is going to do it, I guess I shouldn't really worry about it until I am served and it is final. Those first few nights were a difficult time for me, the worst I have ever experienced and if it weren't for you and others here I don't know what I would have done. When and if she hit bottom, I will be there for her and I hope she will come to me for help. Thank you ES, Your an inspiration.<P>RWD,<BR>I wish they would just come out and tell us what is going on with them. These games are killing me slowly. I can understand the saving face part. My W still says she loves me, I honestly think that part of her wants to work this out and come back to me but call it pride or ego, Won't allow her to. I don't she wants to be percieved as weak or giving in. That is JMHO. In a way, maybe she needs to build up her own self esteem and this is her way of doing it. By filing, she is showing me and herself that she can do it, She is strong, and most importantly that I am not in control of the situation and she is. I think she likes to be in control right now. RWD, sorry your W has filed, Hopefully she will not go through the whole process. take care<P>------------------<BR>Rutger......One day at a time.<P><p>[This message has been edited by Rutger (edited October 05, 1999).]