Just wanted to stick my head in here and say we made it back safely. Drove up to IL last week, then over to PA, and then finally back home to GA Sunday. It was exhausting, both physically and emotionally.

The visit in IL was good, b/c we were able to visit relatives we hadn't seen in a year. The trip to PA, on the other hand, was he11. I'm so glad DD and I didn't stay in the den of filth that Mom's home had become. The lazy BF hadn't done a thing since she died, except smoke dope, look at p0rn and try to hook up with people on the internet(even when she was in ICU and we were there). All her things were there, like she had just used them. And not because he's sentimental. B/c he's lazy and gross. We got there, and there was a sink full of dirty water and silverware in the kitchen, b/c he hates to wash silverware. The place smelled to high heaven from the dogs and cigarettes. There were even little piles of nasty looking dogfood in corners, drug there by mice, that he hadn't cleaned up. Overflowing ashtrays. Trash everywhere. It was disgusting.

Luckily, I had been able to book a room for DD and me at a local B&B. The lady who ran it is wonderful... like staying at your grandma's. If you're ever in Landisburg, PA (near Harrisburg, and about 45 minutes from Hershey and all those fun family attractions there), please look her up. It's called Twin Meadows Glen Bed and Breakfast. The food was wonderful, the place was comfortable and clean, the food was great, it was inexpensive, and best of all, she accepts children. Heck, loves children. She even has children's books and a toybox. As we were leaving Sunday, she asked me to call her when we got home, so she'd know we made it safely.

As if all the nastiness of the house wasn't enough, it didn't compare to the nastiness on his computer. The BF had over 17K of KBs of graphic photos on the computer. Disturbing, yes, but not nearly as heartbreaking as finding his stash of floppy disks with the photos he and Mom had taken. Thankfully, I only saw one of those. My aunt went through them all and erased them after I left one night. We were so angry and upset. I don't know how to handle it. I think this goes beyond the usual realization that your parents are people.

Glad you are back!!!

I guess you have to realize that your mom made her own choices.

How are you doing emotionally?

I'm just feeling conflicted... sad, hurt, angry, the whole ball of wax. I know, Mom made her own choices. But it still really hurts.

((((sadmommy)))

Good to see you home! I'm sorry it wasn't a better experience for you!

((((SMO5) Glad you made it home safely. Good to hear from you.

Yes, I did. Confronted the X about him taking DD and OW out to dinner as a "family" tonight. He said OW isn't trying to take my place, that I will always be mommy. I know that, but still!! I asked him how he would feel if the shoe were on the other foot.

This sparked a conversation about the D in general. He said I need to understand that she's not the reason he left. I replied that maybe she wasn't the only reason, but their "friendship people can't understand" was definitely part of it on some level. He is STILL in denial about that. Grr. Even if what he said was true, it's still not healthy to jump from a marriage into a relationship with your "best friend" two weeks after you leave your wife and baby.

I said I have to go by what I see. He said he knows it looks bad, that the timing is awful. I pointed out that we were still married when "things just happened," and how was that not an affair? He couldn't answer me. I called him selfish, saying he wasn't thinking about what's best for DD and our family when he left, that he was only thinking about himself. Then he actually said he WAS thinking about DD's best interest, for both her parents to be happy. I WAS happy.

He said he hopes I feel good that I made things as difficult as possible for him throughout the divorce. Then he complained about how poor he is, that THAT'S one of the main reasons he HAD to move in with OW. He said, "You don't know how hard it is to come up with $XXX a month." I said, "It's no substitute for being at home with your family."

Then he goes into the gee-this-has-been-really-hard-on-me-too bit. I didn't say anything, but all I could think of was, yeah, you have somebody to go home to at night, and I come home and take care of a baby.

Grrr. Still a jerk. Still a selfish jerk. How can I put this ugliness behind me and get on with my life? I KNOW I let him and OW have power over me when I stay upset about it. Any advice?

SM05,

It's hard for me to imagine the pain you have experienced dealing with these realizations about your Mom's life. Despite these things, we can all see that she produced an excellent daughter - and that does not happen by accident. She must have done a lot of things right.


There will be a good man in your life someday - if you wait for him - and totally reject all the negative characterizations you get from your XH. I'm confident that if you believe in your own value and wait, you will find a man who will treat you according to your true worth. And he will be fortunate man to find you.

-AD

Thank you, AD. The conversation upset me last night, b/c I told XH that now I can see things weren't the way they are supposed to be. He said he had a list of what I did wrong.

I can't figure it out... our family was EVERYTHING to me. All I did was love him, support him, and work hard. When he left last night, I started getting paranoid... maybe I AM a controlling b*tch like he says. Maybe something IS wrong with me. Maybe I'm unlovable and will never find anyone else.

But waking up this morning, I realized it was just the fog still talking. Still, I take very little comfort thinking about their relationship being doomed to failure b/c of its shady beginnings and her history. That doesn't change the fact that he selfishly ripped the family out from under DD.

But what if it does work out, and he's happy for the rest of his life with OW? What if there is no karma for things like that??

Geez, it is so hard not get bogged down in the "poor pitiful me" stuff... If I stop to think about all the bad stuff that happened recently, it is truly overwhelming. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Sadmommy, {{hugs}} first about your mom. Second, I don't necessarily believe in Karma but believe me your XWH will never truly be happy. He will live the rest of his life with guilt, shame, denial unless he gets out of the A relationship and apologizes to his family for what he did. It doesn't mean he has to reconcile with YOU, he needs to make amends though. God will be the ultimate judge of your X. Take comfort in that truth. No it doesn't change the reality of the situation for you, but it should allow you to let go and know that the truth is you were a good wife and mother. You still are the best thing in your DD's life and some day when you are healed someone else will come along that cherishes you.

When the D was imminent, many on here suggested I find a new screen name. "SadMommy" is just too sad, and it doesn't show that I'm hopeful about my future sans XH. But I am HOPEFUL. I believe things will turn out better for me and DD in the long run, b/c we both deserve nothing but the best.

So I've chosen the name shimmygrrrl. "Shimmy" is a bellydance move. Many of my dancer friends sign their emails with "shimmies," because it symbolizes happiness and joy. "grrrl" because, well, I used to be a bit of a riot grrrl back in college, and I like to think that I'm tougher than I look (or feel, most of the time).

OMG!!! Shimmygrrrl!!! I absolutely love it - what a great choice for a new name, for a new life! Shimmy, you will find as time goes by you will have much happiness and joy, again.

Shimmies,

BB

Great name change shimmie. But what is a riot girl? I am so out of the loop on the good stuff. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

From Wikipedia:
"Riot Grrrl (or Riot Grrl) is a feminist musical movement that reached its height in the 1990s but continues to exert significant influence over alternative music and culture. The term Riot Grrrl is also a genre designation, referring both to the punk rock music made by the movement's initial members, and can also encompass the diverse array of music created in its wake. The term can also refer to individual self-proclaimed Riot Grrrls, who continue to foster a woman-friendly Do-It-Yourself punk subculture by organizing all-female bands, female-centric music festivals, group meetings, and independent publications (or zines)."

Wow, thanks for the informative reply! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Oh wow.... Saturday night was AWESOME!! My troupe had its first paying gig at this big designers' conference, and we were treated like celebrities. We were dancing at the big closing partyat the civic center. Got there and had a dressing room with drinks and snacks. We drank a bottle of champagne while we were getting glammed up. It was cool. We were all gorgeous... dripping with glitter. The show couldn't have been better. We were dancing for our largest audience ever, about 800 people. Our hard work totally paid off. We nailed the performance. All our turns were in sync. No one messed up the complicated choreography. My duet/solo went off without a hitch. Whew!

After we were done, we got to stay and party. We got free drinks, although I only had about half a glass of wine. People wanted us to pose for pictures with them. It was so much fun to be out like that... it's been so long since I've been to a party with just grown-ups. And we brought business cards, so maybe we'll get some more leads?

Probably the biggest ego boost for me, though, was the cute guy who was trying to flirt with me backstage while we were waiting to go on. I'm not even THINKING about that sort of thing right now... it's way too soon and he was way too young anyway,(in art school) but it made me feel good, at least.

I'm going to the counselor tomorrow morning to talk about Mom stuff... ugh.

That sounds like a blast! We wanna see pictures!!

I'm waiting to see them myself...

shimmygrrrl - Sounds like lots of fun. I LOVE belly dancing - not doing it, but watching it.

If you want a good grief book get the Grief Handbook. It is absolutely wonderful.

Thanks for the suggestion, Believer. I picked up a copy of "The Grief Recovery Handbook" By John W. James and Russell Friedman at a discount book store a few weeks ago. I'm slowly working my way through it. It was sad seeing it... the subtitle says, "The action program for moving beyond death, divorce and other losses." I was like, "death, check. Divorce, check." Ugh. If I stop to think about everything that's going on, it's overwhelming. One piece at a time....

My dear friends in California also sent me a copy of a book by a Buddhist nun... "When things fall apart." It's subtitle is "Heart advice for difficult times." I read a little when I was up in PA. It's the whole philosophy that things just change, neither good nor bad, and that in order to be free, you have to go with the flow.

I'm glad I go see the counselor this morning. I'm staying home most of the day b/c DD's sitter has orientation for her two kids going back to school tomorrow. I thought I'd be able to get a lot done, but I have the counselor appointment this morning, and this afternoon (after I pop into work for a few hours for a pandemic flu planning meeting) I have to go to the dermatologist.

See, I figured I'd be girly Sunday and treat myself to a manicure and an eyebrow waxing. Never had a waxing before. It stung, but the results were so pretty. While I was in the there, the lady convinced me to do my upper lip, too. So I said, why not? Oh, the pain. Agony. Well, things just didn't feel right, and yesterday it started breaking out. Folliculitis... ugh. Unsightly and uncomfortable. A mistake I won't make again! (I'm happy with the brows, though!) I'm just glad she didn't convince me to take off my pants do that wax job! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

Shimmygrrrl,
New name, much better!!
I hope things went well with your counselor...
MSA