Hey everyone- any advice is welcomed.

BH is so adamant about staying married (probably) but not forgiving me.

My point is if we're going to stay married (and we will unless he files for divorce) then why be miserable, especially since I am truly seeking his forgiveness? Why not try to be happy??

He wants SF, he doesn't want SF, I don't try hard enough, I need to leave him alone......

Is it wrong to want him to "fish or cut bait," as it were?

I know I am the one in the wrong here, but I am kind of getting tired of Plan A'ing him and getting nowhere.

And the threats of a retaliatory girlfriend are still coming at me.

Honestly, I know the answer- and it is that I will never give up. But yesterday he was so horrible to me, I said I hated him. And sometimes I almost do. He is unforgiving and just plain nasty and hurtful. He continually brings up OM's name as an excuse- I'll start talking about something he doesnt' want to hear and he'll say, "TB, MrsRob, TB." Like I dont' get to bring up anything because of what I did. ANd yesterday he said he wouldn't even care if I were looking around for someone else. Which I will never do, I will divorce him first, but it's like he's just expecting me to do this again.

Can a marriage survive if one of the partners doesnt' really care?

MrsRob,

Has he gone to any counseling?
Is he on any meds for depression?
Have you established your boundaries?

Don't give up yet, you are still early in the game. When he gets out of hand and disrespectful, tell him and walk away. Be sure to tell him in a loving way though. Maybe something like "I know I've hurt you deeply and I am truly sorry for what I have done, however it does not give you the right to verbally abuse me! I am here, I love you and want to rebuild our marriage to be better and stronger than ever before, but WE can't if you continue to disrespect me, yell and curse at me, and threaten to get a GF. Please help me rebuild US!"
Might work. I hope some of the pro's chime in soon.

Good Luck.

Will he post or read here? Has he read any of the books?

No, no counseling, no meds, and I'm having a hard time with the boundaries thing. I think in an earlier post MelodyLane wanted to make sure he didn't want me to jump off a cliff because I would do it because I felt like I deserved it, lol. I still feel that way. And he won't read any of the books.

He basically says I've lost my good name, he can never trust me again, and that if it weren't for dd, who is 16 months old, he'd have divorced me right away.

I think the reason I'm having such a hard time is- first, I'm so angry with myself for even thinking of doing such a thing and hurting my H and family, and second, that he refuses to see that I am truly sorry and am trying to make positive changes in my life. ALso, I'm mad that he can't see that even though there is NO EXCUSE for my EA, that there are definitely changes he could make that would be beneficial for our marriage.

I am so tired of the back and forth-

Any of you familiar with the Movie Princess Bride? I feel like Wesley when they Dread Pirate Roberts says, "Goodnight, Wesley, I'll most likely kill you in the morning." He never does, but Wesley has to live with the uncertainty. It's taking a toll.

OK, guys, don't leave me alone here, you're all I have!!!

"He basically says I've lost my good name, he can never trust me again, and that if it weren't for dd, who is 16 months old, he'd have divorced me right away."

Then be thankful he is being honest with you. I know it is harsh but RIGHT NOW that is how he feels.

I basically felt the same way about my FWW. She had the time and opportunity to do what you are trying to do because of the kids.

I would say that what he is going through is normal.

Watch your DJ's "I hate you".

When you see the pain in his eyes pull him close. Tell him you love him and you hate the pain you have caused him. Tell him you could never ask for a better H and if he gives you a chance there will be a time where he will never be able to ask for a better W.

Understand his pain but keep your boundries.

Right now I would find his top EN's and fill them to the best of your ability.

The SF thing is normal too. We discussed this on an earlier thread. Do not ask or say I want SF. Make him want it too.

I am a man I can tell you no matter how I feel there are certain things my FWW can do that will darn near gaurantee SF. BTW it is not saying hey you wanna... Or hey I wanna.... Not words actions. Start with a back rub or stroking his hair. Look at him and tell him how sexy he is. blah blah blah, You should know a sure fire way to get him turned on.


If my FWW wanted SF everynight she could get it. Use your womanly charms.

If SF is important to him this will go a long way.

No one can adequately explain what your H is going through right now. Assume that it will get better if you put the energy into it. The minute you assume it won't, it won't

MrsRob,

Hang in there. HL is giving you some very good advice. I think if you continue to plan A him and use your womanly charms on him he'll come around.

In the past whenever you've made him really mad how long does it normally take him to want to make up? The answer may be an indicator to how long he will be mad now. (you may have to do some math as this is worse than anything he's dealt with yet.)

If he was going to go he would have, guys don't normally hang "just for the kids" very long.

Do put your boundaries in place and stick to them. Talk to him, even if he won't talk back. Let him know he is #1.

Good Luck! Remember I have been doing this 9 months. She is showing very good signs now and I believe we are making very good progress. This is a time consuming project, but from what I hear the end result is well worth it.

YOU CAN DO THIS!

I can't imagine how important it would be for me right now, than to have my WS come to me, wrap her arms around me and just hold me. No talking.

Try writing letters to each other. That way you will both have time to revise any LBs felt with emotion. Then you really might be able to get feelings across better.

He can't trust you. Sorry. But he can't. You know what you did, how long has it been since NC? You're talking 3 months here compared to what? How many YEARS have you been married for better or for worse?

Listen, don't just wait for your turn to talk, he may say some pretty hurtful things, just like you did when you were in the fog. Maybe he just needs someone to hear him.

Not that you should counsel but why can't you just listen to him and let him express how he feels and ACCEPT how he feels as valid. He needs to heal. You can't heal a tear like this by continually ripping the dressage off.

that is very true, and that's what I feel like I do. I have this huge axe hanging over my head and I'm not sure when- or if- it's going to fall. I can do nothing right. He says, "well, that's the purgatory you get to be in."

I do things that would have normally lead to SF, and he pushes me away. I try harder and he says to stop. If I don't stop he threatens D. If I do stop, in the morning I get, "Well, you had another F2F last night." F2F means failure to...you know... Sometimes I initiate SF and it goes all right.....

Anyway, I know it's been only 3 months. I sometimes think that he won't file for D, but is trying to get me to do it by making me miserable.

Unfortunatly I got my SAA and Lovebusters books- oh, and HNHN and they're packed becasue we're moving today. On top of everything else.

What leads him to say this? HMMMM

My FWW says to me "it seems like no matter what I do you are not happy. Do I do anything right?"

Realize this You opened a can of worms in your M. My FWW opened the can of worms and then the justifications started flying. Of course it was my fault she had the A. I did this, I didn't do that.

So what did I do? I started thinking about what she did and didn't do. The things that I THOUGHT WEREN'T REALLY IMPORTANT OR THAT BIG OF A DEAL. Well guess what those things were worse then what she was telling me justified her A.

Well after the A I sure as heck was going to point out those things. So for 6 years I told you when you did that it bothered me. So now it does and I am not going to live with that anymore. I will tell you every little thing you did wrong to prove you aren't perfect either.

Some of them may very well be BS BS. He will eventually get over it or leave. You feeling bad for yourself because it seems like nothing you do is right will not help.

I look at it like this. When I am in a bad mood. My family knows my tolerance level is lower then when I am in a good mood. His tolerance level is lower now then it was before. When you do something wrong he is probably going to react to it. You need to give him time to get his tolerance level back up.

I know it sucks but you opened the can of worms. Those worms are darn slippery too hard to get em back in the can. Once you do you still have to get the dirt off the floor from where they have been.