[color:"blue"] I posted this on another website that consists of mostly BWs, and thought the question could be posed here also. Please note that when I refer to men I mean the Wayward Spouse. [/color]

was reading LA's thread and TH's post about "crap deals" and how the BW has every right to leave....and how it is understandable if they DO decide to leave and no one will hold it against them.

And that's entirely correct.

But I was thinking of the reasons I didn't leave.

Ladies, do you KNOW in your heart that your man can come around and not only be the man you thought you married, but maybe (because he's older and wiser) BETTER than that person?

Do not doubt. Do not ask youself will he , but ask yourself can he. Do not say, if he does this, or if he does that...I am asking you if your husband has the mental and emotional fortitude to git'er done no matter what. Does he have that drive? Is it something he had before the adultry (might as well call it what it is...an affair is a dinner party imo)?

For me it was a resounding yes. The pre adulturous Wookie was a purpose driven man. He knew what he wanted for his family (and he knew he wanted a family), and he worked to move mountains to gain those things for us. The post adulturous Wookie is that same man with the added benefit of him adding defences against the dark arts (thank you Harry Potter) that he didn't know he needed before.

But do your men have this fortitude? Was it there before and you KNOW it's there now...just squished and beaten by the evil of selfishness?

Anyone?

Anyone?

Bueller?

Bueller?

Bueller?

Good mOrning!

Unfortunate, I can't, I can't say whether or not he has the fortitude to be better. There's so much there not to trust. I'm not even sure at this point if he's learned anything.

Now, he was pretty strong before; his greatest concern being his family, providing for us, that never changed!

I'm just uncertain about him right now and I haven't thought about it really, focusing on me so much!

One day! One day! LOL

Dealan,

I also felt as though my husband could be a better man....that his beliefs and his actions were not matching up....but I believed when they did....I wanted to be there.

The other reason I stayed of course....was my children. They deserved whatever extra effort I was willing to expend.

Here's a twist- I am the WW, and my BH absolutely is positive that I'm a piece of cr*p and will never change. He believes I'm not trustworthy and a wh0re. I know I can, but it's hard when I'm fighting against his absolute certainty that I'll fail. It's like he wants me to give up so he can point to what a "short-term" person I am and that I am totally worthless.

If your WS is willing, please give them a chance. I know you here at MB would see things differenly, my BH doesn't want to know anything about this site.

I will still give it my everything and pray that he has a change of heart.......

But if you have a WS who is truly remorseful and truly willing to make the changes necessary, try to love them despite their horrible betrayal.

((((MrsRob))))

The Wookie was a horse's a$$ till he removed his head from his tush. I'd have given my left big toe if he'd been truly remorseful.

Be the best YOU. Be the YOU that God wants you to be.

That'll be enough for everyone. Pinky promise.

Dealan,

If I recall correctly your H is/was a cop right?

My H was a firefighter but he`s now retired from the fire dept. He works solely in construction now.

I have known all along that my H had more fortitude and courage than your average person. It takes an extra measure of guts to be able to go into a burning building or to face down a punk with a gun.

The type of people who choose these professions generally do not back down when faced with difficult frightening situations. And they are also usually the type of people who want to help, to go that extra mile to rescue others from all different types of tough situations.

But my H had a darkside too. A complete 180 of his "public" facade. The constrast between his two sides could not have been more drastic.

I am no psychologist so I cannot explain how this can occur, the best I can come up with is that men like this like to live to the extreme and that fearlessness can get them into alot of trouble when they don`t have a realisitic view of the world.

I think sometimes men like this lack the ability to view the bigger picture. If they were the type of men ran their lives logically, men who could accurately predict the consequences of their actions they would not have chosen dangerous professions.

That said when they are faced with the consequences of their actions, they can see their whole world crumbling around them they usually throw themselves into high recovery gear. Perhaps moreso than your average WS. The same goes for soldiers I see posting here. The terminology they use when describing what they are experiencing and how they are combatting it is often military terms. They see recovery as a battle royale and they are unwilling to surrender.

I think if a BS is married to a cop, a fireman or a soldier it is easier to envision the potential of a recovery. We know that our H`s are able to face dire situations without backing down. We know that our H`s have a strong moral aspect to their characters. The trick is to teach our H`s that the family comes first. The family needs to be protected above all else. They cannot be reckless with the safety of the family.

Now my father was not in a dangerous profession but is also the type of person who faces difficult situations without backing down. He is the type of man who worked hard, kept his eye on the ball and rose to the top of his profession. He faced problems and never surrendered either.

If you are married to a cop/soldier/fireman you know from the get go that your spouse has fortitude. If you are not married to a person in these professions it may take some time (and perhaps experience with a situation such as an A) before you can recognize fortitude in your spouse.

Daisy,

Yeah. The Wookie is a furball in blue.



OOOOHHH! This is good! I have to think on this....but you've got something.

- Kimmy

This post gives me hope. I know I hammer a lot on FWH on the forum because of the pain and bitterness resulting from his actions, but I can honestly look at the rest of his life and see that he has incredible fortitude. He is successful in everything he does and never gives up.

I believe FWH is sincere and remorseful, and wants recovery, and when I'm not too busy wallowing in self-pity I can see the steps he is taking to make himself worthy of me after D-day. They include but are not limited to:

1) Cancelling his cell phone.
2) Writing a clear and firm NC letter to the OW, asking me to approve it, and then sending it - on his own initiative (with no knowledge of this site or nagging from me).
3) Disposing/destroying anything either of us associated with A or OW. He even got rid of an old comedy in our DVD collection because it paints adultery in a humorous context, and he said he feared that would be a trigger for me one day if we watched it, and he wanted to shield me from further hurt. Not a lot of WS would consider little things like that.
4) Suggesting MC and now asking me to please consider a marriage encounter retreat for troubled marriages.

I realize if he didn't care about me or the M he wouldn't bother to go to such lengths.

I know a lot of folks on MB have urged me to dump him and bolt, but there are other factors at play. If he was not making such an effort I'd have no hesitation at all walking away.

MrsRob, thanks for your take on things from the other side. I know it must take enormous courage to post here at all when you're in the minority.

~Silverwraith

If it's any consolation, there comes a time when you place the self pity on a shelf. You only look at it now and then...maybe even take it off the shelf and dust it off and examine it minutely....but you put it back up on the shelf thinking to yourself, "Yeah, that sucked bad, Thank GAWD I survived it and am better now."

(((SilverWraith)))

- Kimmy