This has been a big issue with me. I know nothing about the OW. SHe knows all about me from WH. I constantly think about what she looked like, how she was with WH, what they talked about, how they kissed.

Its absolutely terrible. I hate it.

How do you get over the OW as a BW?

Your H owes you all the details of his affair if he wants to try and save the marriage...

Pep

1. Do a background check on the OW. You can check out sights such as zabasearch.com. Some info is free, others you may have to pay for.

2. Create your support group (some may know of the OW).

3. Write the OW a letter but do NOT send it. Wait until your emotions are under better control. However, write whatever you feel you want to say now but do not send it. This will be a good measuring tool for you later.

4. Get with a good MC to get a good recovery plan for you. 1st recovery for you, then your M.

5. Read Surviving an Affair by Dr Harley.

6. Keep posting here.

L.

Sweetsurrender,
I can identify with your obsession. Over time it does lessen.

What's strange for me is that when I think about the A, I have her in my mind. It's not my H WITH her, it's just her. I'm not sure why that is, but it is.

For me during the height of my obsession, I learned everything I could about her, trying to believe that she was just human and not some goddess.

Ask the questions that you need to ask your H.

Learn what you need to learn.

Realize it was not about her, but about him.

Let time pass.

SS,

I think about it too and identify with your obsession. I still have not seen OW but have talked to her on the phone twice. Hopefully, I will never talk to her again but I do want to see what she looks like so in the event we happen to run into her I will know who the he** she is. I did all the checks and did find out some stuff, but I never could figure out how to see what she looks like without a confrontation. I've thought about hiring a PI to take a picture but it's been almost a year w/o any contact (to my knowledge) and I really just want to forget her. My H has given me some details but it hurts so much to hear them that I just about have quit asking. I will be so happy when one day passes that I don't think about their ADULTERY and get back to the life I once had.

Sometimes, I think that God has kept her out of my path on purpose because I might do or say something really terrible and then regret it later. I also try to feel sorry for her as she has to live and deal with what she did and with her husband. I would hope to think that she feels like the slu% she is; but then I think she has probably moved on to another married man by now, (my H was her 2nd MM to have a fling with) and I just can't bring myself to actually pity her. I still hate her too much for her intrusion into my marriage (and I feel some of the same for my H for his weakness in allowing this to happen). In re-reading this it sounds so ugly and bitter, but I can't help how I feel now, I can only hope it lessens with time.

Like Michele said it was not about her but him and it just takes time.

Keep posting and good luck to you.

BW (me) 46
FWH 46
M 24 Y; Together 30 (since 10th grade)
2 kids
OW was a co-worker 15 years younger
EA/PA 5-04/10-04; DDAY 1/3/05; DDAY 2 1/17/05; Recovery starts 1/22/05 and real recovery began 5/29/05 and fog started to lift...Recovery continues day by day.

SS,
how long since D-day? It does get better. Some days, I do catch myself checking up on her- seeing if she bought anything on ebay lately, seeing if she is registered on any more sex sites.

Ask your husband all the questions you have. Show him Joseph's letter if he balks at all. Maybe show him and then ask the questions.

Hey Annie,
I'm in Texas, too. Maybe if the OW lives near my part of Texas, I could snap a photo for you. I have a fairly long lens and was complimented today on my closeups when the subject doesn't know I am shooting.

I found the OW's picture on a sex site - she was naked- believe me that was more info than I wanted.

Yuck, I did find a picure of a naked woman on site when I googled her name; but for some reason I really didn't think it was her. I wonder?? and I love your offer, I'm on the SE side, where it has rained all week! If you are anywhere near, let me know. What an answered prayer that would be!

I can't say this was the only reason, or even the main reason....but it was right up there!!

-I wanted to know what she looked like to make sure I had an additional "marker" to evaluate "no contact". Heck, for all I knew she could have been right under my nose and I'd never know it!

-I didn't want to feel like this was another advantage/secret she had over me.

-She and my exWS met at their AA/NA meetings so I had no idea which of many women it could be. (Well, maybe....she would be one of very few 21 year old females going to those particular AA//NA meetings. Many were women in their 30s, with the majority of members being middle-aged men...like my 47 yr old exWS!)

Part of me didn't want to know because I already knew she was so much younger than I(I was 47). And, there was no way I could ever be younger again if that's what my exWS wanted.

I was afraid that people would see her and then look at me and "know" why he'd prefer her.

I wanted to know what was the appeal, what did she have that I didn't, how did she dress, do her hair, how tall, what weight and general shape, etc. etc. Always looking for the "why" of the whole mess.

I eventually saw her. She was nice looking...a little rough...but nothing outstanding. Better figure than mine, but nothing great.

Other than that...the more I heard the more insulted I became at what he settled for if that's what he really wanted.

"dumb", I mean really dumb, lacking in intelligence according to others

"lazy", her idea of looking for work was opening a newpaper and circling ads...period.

"self-centered bit#*" who literally threw screaming fits when she didn't get her way

"bad mother", she had an OC with my exWS. He had Down Syndrome so he needed a little "extra" parenting. Apparently she couldn't and wouldn't try to do the basics. She couldn't be bothered most of the time. She was busy on the phone or had no patience. I was told that she liked the attention she got from having a "Special Needs" child!

Gained weight...lots of weight (which has always been a struggle for me, although not my ex). But.....continues to wear clothing that a slender young woman might wear...low cut jeans, high cut tops with skin (flab) in the middle. I might be a plus size woman but I know how to dress with class and good taste for my figure.

Bottom line....did it really matter? He chose her...period.

Thank you for responding to my question. I really do want to know some details but then I get freaked because I know that will just bring more triggers.

I love my husband and he is very remorseful and loves me. I just wish I could go on and not think about the OW.

I get so upset and its mostly when I am by myself that I think of these things. My little one keeps me busy and when I'm home I'm busy. At work though I have time to dwell. It sucks.

OW moved away from our area and actually got married soon after my H dumped her.

I still look everyday to see if I can find something on her....of course I get no where.

sweetsurrender...


have you asked your husband your questions....!!????\

what does he say when you ask....??!!!

ark

Annie, email me.

I may be north, but not too far

sweet,

One of my first posts over two years ago on this forum dealt with my preoccupation regarding the OM. ChrisCA set me straight with a very blunt and very true observation.

The OP doesn't have a thing to do with what happened or is happening. They are but another pair of pants(or skirt)that happened to be there when the WS started the A.

Other than exposure, pay her no mind.

I am sorry for piping in but I felt compelled to do so. I know what the OW looks like, smells like, where she works, what her likes are, dislikes, etc. Yes I do not have to wonder like many of you but what I will tell you that it messed with my head real bad to the point where there were things I wanted to do for fun and now knowing they were things she did or enjoyed, it completely turned me off.

From my personal view, focus on your M and leave it be, you are better not knowing what the OW looks like. It will make it worse!

7142

I agree with 7142. I always wanted a certain cell phone and was just waiting to get it. Wouldn't you know that the cell phone I found from the OW that she gave my WH was the exact phone I wanted? Now I am having trouble getting it but I want it so bad! Silly....I know, but I can't help it.

then you said



here's my question

if you know nothing about OW, how do you know she's married and moved away?

Pep

For me, my fantasies about what she looked like, etc, left me wide open for any case scenario. There were no limits, good or bad, around thoughts about her. I found that to be very difficult. It was easier for me to deal with some of the realities of her appearance so I didn't have to fight an entire world of fantasies/possiblities.

And while it could have been any female..it wasn't. There was some reason that my exWS was drawn to this particular woman. Even if it was an unhealthy or bad quality or trait.

We all have to honor our best knowledge of ourselves when making the decision about whether or not to try and see some aspects of the realities of the affair.

I wish you the best outcome for YOU in your struggle.

I think the OW is an amoral slug with the dignity of somebody like maybe....Camilla Parker Bowles...a cow!

I don't care how you dress them up....in reality you can't take em out.

My xh married his mistress. She is a total idiot. He just last week, while in orlando with their kids (my ds and her ds and their oc)had a huge arguement w/her (as per my ds) and just made her get outta their car and left her stranded by the roadside in a strange city.

If you DEMAND NO RESPECT AND BEHAVE WITH DISRESPECT AND ARE A SLEAZE HO, YOU WILL GET WHAT YOU DESERVE...WHICH IS BEING TREATED LIKE A SLEAZE HO.

Who cares what the OW is like? I know firsthand what they are like. AND IT AIN'T PRETTY GIRLS.

Work on YOU. Be happy with YOU> THEY CAN NEVER HOPE TO ASPIRE TO BE YOU!

Fret not about the OW.

I am so sorry you're going thru this. I am still in a wierd sort of related way.

And I am NOT WORRYING!

I think about the OW too. A lot. She knows all about me and what I look like. I have no idea what she looks like, who she is. I wish I did, so I wasn't always looking over my shoulder, wondering if she is there or driving by in her truck (which I do know because she "threatened" me with it). A friend has seen her from afar and described her but I want to see her face to face.

I think it's only normal to wonder about the other person
and what it is that has attracted your WS to them.

In my case, I know more about the OW than I need or want
to. I have talked to her a few times, all initiated by
her. The first time, she called and exposed the whole A,
which I knew nothing of at the time. She played a "victim"
very well, saying that she didn't know he was still married,
trying to get lots of details on WH and our life, trying to
convince me of why I shouldn't want him back, etc.., even
acting like I was her friend or confidante. Very quickly,
however, she turned it all around, used the information to
make me look bad to WH, and to work against us.

The second time we talked she blasted me with obscenities
and insults, put me down in every possible way, told me I'd
never get WH back or be able to keep him, etc.. then told
WH I'd said "mean" things to her and hurt her feelings- GAG.

I've seen her twice and was not impressed. She was okay
looking but not "all that". She struck me as the type who
has always used her looks to get by or get what she wants
and definitely thinks she's "hot" from things she told me.
She's short, has long, wavy, blonde hair (not natural),
wears heavy makeup (appears to be covering bad skin), and
both times I saw her was wearing clothes that were both
inappropriate and too tight for someone her age and size.
Unfortunately I've also seen "more" of her than I would have ever wanted to, since she sent me a package of graphic
photos of her and my WH which leave little to the imagination !

I think my WH fell for the "packaging" but has to live with
the "insides" as well, which are not very pretty.
I think all the effort that OW puts into convincing people
that she is "independent, strong, successful, doesn't need
a man or anyone, doesn't want drama", etc. are all an effort
to boost what must be poor self esteem, and it appears to
me that she is the exact opposite of all those things !

The main thing I hate is that OW knows alot about me, from
my WH (and much of it not positive or factual, I'm sure).
OW has seen me, so perhaps thinks she really "has me beat"
but I sure wouldn't trade my being an honest, moral, kind,
and loving person for her lying, trashy, no moral, gutter
mouth and trashy look.

Slammed