Hello,

I'm new. I'm the husband who is guilty of destroying so many innocent lives. I had an affiar with another marired woman who is now pregnant. My wife knows about all of this and so does the other woman's husband. The ow is denying that the child is mine, but the husband and my wife are demanding a P-test. To make matter worse, I have a 2 yr. old and my wife pregnant. My wife is due 11/06 and the ow is due 10/06. I ended the affiar immediatly after learning of the ow being pregnant. Both my wife and I are scared. My wife seems to be able to forginve me for the infidelity, but does not know if she could ever forgive me for concieving a child with another woman while being married to her. We are both overwelmed with this entire situation and it is making the healing process very difficult. I believe the only chance I have in saving my marriage and is to have no contact with the other child. Have any of you that have experienced this horrible sceniero managed to save your marriage by having no contact with the child? I know my feelings may change as time goes on, but at this time I dont see any other solution. I'm living every day in fear with lots of guilt and shame. I know the mistakes I've made effect the people who I love the most and I'm having a really hard time with that. I'm at the lowest place I've ever been and am affriad if the child is mine that I will fall further. Any advise or help with this would be greatly appreciated. Thank you for listening.

There are quite a few who have NC. We have contact with my dear husbands oc...and we are healing quite nicely.

It is an extremely personal decision....and I'll not attempt to sway your decision one way or another.

I will ask for your dear wife to come here if she feels comfortable. It helped me a ton!

Welcome to MB.

Breathe sir. No huge decisions have to be made today.

- Kimmy

Dear GH,

You are not the first to do what you have done. Sad to say, you won't be the last.

If you read a little further down, you can read what I was not able to delete and see all the problems I had. You at least seem to be a little farther along than I was when I first got here.

We can talk about why I deleted everything a little later.

The desion about contact or no contact does not have to be made today or even next week, perhaps not even next month.

You have people here and other boards that can help you.

Listen to what Delean-De has to say. She is a smart gal. I owe her big time for helping me get my "head out of my A$$".
(Some here may argue here it's still there.)

You and your W can survive this. You and your W really can.
Many people here would be suprized at how well my W and I are doing right now. Many said I should just have divorced my W and spared her futher pain. Even two of the counselers we saw told us it was hopeless. I guess my W and I were to stuburn to listen.

I will encourage you to read three books that really helped my W and I get our mess straitened out.

1. His/Her Needs
2. Surving The Affair
3. Love and Repect

I will encourage you to read other posts. If you are willing, I will provide you with contact information so you can contact me. I know EXACTLY where you are at!

TH

Welcome to MB. Read the sticky welcome to the pregnancy/child board at the top by Sunnyd. Also read the thread in my signature line by WAT. There are great resources here at MB including by phone counseling with the Harley's which I highly recommend you and your lovely wife look into.

I second the books TH recommended and encourage you also to get the workbook that goes with His Needs/Her Needs. My H and I are just at the beginning of working through it.

I will give a call out to a couple of posters here who were married and chose to keep the OC and raise it as the BH's (betrayed H) I think this is important so you can see a positive side to NC since the OW is married.

Kudos to you for coming here. Please send your wife here too.

First thing's first in my opinion. You need to get the Paternity test done. Why put this additional strain on your marriage when you don't know for certain the child is yours. KWIM? The P test can be done prior to the birth.

Welcome To MB you have come to the right place on getting the marriage back on track. Both you and your wife have a long road ahead of you, it looks bleak now but there is hope if both of you are really commited to the work.


We are no contact, and our marriage is doing really good, better then ever to be honest. To us it was nothing more then a woman giving her baby up for adoption. There is plenty of others on here that are NC too. And will glad to share our story as well as the others. It can be done.

But for right now I would not worry about C or NC right now, to many other emotions that need to be dealt with first. First step is first fix the marriage!!! Marriage is first, get it healing before you worry about weather to have C or NC, it might not even be yours and then you worried about it for nothing, but even so you have the marriage to fix.

In the meantime read and your wife read alot of post on here, you will see how marriage are healing with C and NC, either way is fine, and are working great for either. That is what you really find great on here they support you no matter what your decision is, cause every story is different. Seeing both sides of the story will shed light on something that will work for your story and marriage.

Then put it on the back burner and not worry about it until one find out if it is yours first, and you fix the marriage. A strong marriage is going to make the decsion alot easier.

GH....

You have my respect for coming here with your needs.

There are good people here who understand and care.

Eibrab

GH, I agree with reading as much on MB as you can.

For now, don't worry about tomorrows paternity tests.
Worry about your wife, and her health. She needs you now
more than ever.

Take one day at a time.

Yep make a list, put that one on top of your list

Absolutely worry about your wife, her pregnancy and your COM first. However, I say if there's any possible way, get the paternity test done. It's a weight off of your shoulders & I would imagine your BS (it would very much be for me).

Yea it would be one less thing for her to worry about, I remember that wait, I was a nervous wreck, I would want it to hurry up and get here so can get it over with, but dreading the day that it came, because at times there was hope that he was not the bio and other time wanting it confirmed so I could finally deal with it.

GH--the answer is YES! People can and do recover from this with their marriage intact. I have and many others.

I hope all 4 of you concentrate on repairing your 2 marriages, taking concrete steps to earn back trust.

It is too early to tell whose child it is, and you cannot control what THEY decide to do about it. It really is XOW and her H's decision, not yours, so try to develop a little detactment. (The best thing would be if they raise OC as their own in their marriage--many do, with or without DNA.)

There are great articles, books, and marital counseling available at this site. "After the Affair" by Janis Abram Spring was another favorite of ours.

Guilt is okay--it lets you and your wife know that you have a conscience, and a conscience is a good thing! Know that you are a child of God no less than any other, deserving of forgiveness if you seek it. My DH was nearly suicidal after confessing his A/OC--don't do that.

Other days will be better... BOTH of you hang in there for that Hope of the day grief fades away. It's worth it. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> You have 1 child and 1 on the way within your marriage. Show your love for them by repairing what you have. Role model compassion, consistancy, perseverence, forgiveness, love.

Do NOT make any hasty decisions right now. Think of what you'd like this to be 20 years from now.

Fake it 'til you make it! (Is an AA phrase but applies well to recovering marriages <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />)

Send your wife here for support. She's hurting too.

Best wishes,
J
betrayed wife recovered
married 19+ years
3 CoM
7yo OC, visitation

Hello GH and welcome....

My H felt probably as bad as you do...he let himself get terribly depressed...let me first say...you are not the first or the last that this has happened to....you were wrong, you realize that, and God forgives all. I don't know whether you are a spiritual person, but right now...if you are, you really need to pray...not about the OW's pregnancy or anything dealing with her...pray for forgiveness for yourself....everything else will fall into place. I know that sounds so simplistic...but it works.

Love your wife...let her vent, let her get it out...this really hurts...and please invite her here as well. You guys can get through this, believe it...my H and I did, but only with God's help.


God Bless you and welcome again.

CH

Thanks to everyone who responded. Your words of support and encouragement helped lift me up by knowing that I'm not alone and that my life is not over. I could only hope and pray that the low points I experience everyday will begin to deminish with time. I feel as though I failed everyone who I really care about. I'm dedicated to taking every step necessary to show my wife how important it is to me to save our marriage. It has been a month since my wife found out all of this. It is the unknown (OC - mine or not mine) that is really holding us back in the healing process, otherwise I know we would be further along. We did attend a Retrovaille weekend and have started reading a lot. BTW thanks for the suggested books. I realized very quikly that I can not make it through this without improving my relationship with GOD. I pray several times a day for my wife and our unborn child remain healthy and that we have strength, and patience to survive this. I do plan to introduce my wife to MB. She will benifit greatly from knowing that there are all you strong people out there who have survived this horrific experience. Thanks again for the suggestions, advise and words of encouragement. I will be back.

I am so glad that you came back and posted again, I had you in my thoughts with the memory of how my H felt during the beginning of our recovery.

Keep reading alot of posts on here, besides helping you with the decsion of C or NC you will also get to see inside our brain, you will see what some of our H did to work at repairing the marriage, and what they did (without knowing sometimes) that sent us back down. Your actions is going to be the big factor in repairing your marriage.

Our big step in recovery was that my H didnt only say sorry he asked me for forgivness, he took full respoinsibilty for his actions, none of the blame went to me or our marriage.

Ask her for forgivness but dont expect a answer now, that will hopefully will come with time depending on what you do to help your wife to emotional closure.

She might say mean things, take it, make no excuses, keep in mind during that time she is hurting the worse way possiable, and it is part of the grieving.

She wont trust you, do every thing in your power to earn it back..... it will mean that you will have to be accountable for every minute that you are away from her, it helped that my H would call if he was going to be 5 minutes late getting home from work. Her mind is going crazy of if you are at where you say you at every minute your not by her side. Show her that you can be trusted, and understand why she dont. Let her know that you know that she wont trust you and understand and will do whatever till she feels comfortable again. It is slow but it will come.

Try and let her know in small ways that you are thinking of her constantly. I love the little love notes that my H leaves for me. I love it when he calls just to say I love you when he is at work. I love the way that he sits close to me and walks near my side. I love the way he puts his hands on my knee when we sit.

It will be hard on you, and I know I wouldnt want to be in your shoes doing this knowing the pain in their eyes was brought on by you, but she will ask question, answer them, make sure that you dont make her feel like it is her fault, that it was your decsion. Answer every thing honestly, even a little white lie at this moment is a bad bad thing. Be prepared for whatever reaction she will feel, Those talks will get father and father apart but is in need to heal. Get the line of conversation going.... talk about everything, if you see a little old man and woman walking hand in hand, tell her you see them as you two..... to her it means you plan on spending the rest of your life to together, talk about dreams, the past, the weather, anything..... talk talk talk..... and be very honest.

Keep in mind that even a long way down the road, she will be happy and bammmmm she is quiet, mad, or something, they are called triggers moments, It is 2 years for me and our recovery is going great but them darn triggers moments show up unwelcomed. Be intuned to her feelings, if you notice that she is quiet, put your arms around her and slowly try to get her to open up what is bothering her.

You have so much work ahead of you, she has built this wall around her heart, she had to protect it from pain, you will have to slowly pick at that wall until you can bring it down to be close to her heart. It is hard work, and trust me she wants to let you back in but she is very scared, in the end tho your marriage can be better then ever. Wont the same as before the A but in alot of ways it can be stronger and so much more then before. All that sweat will pay off.

Keeping you in my thoughts :-)

Also I did ask my H to read posts on here so that he could see every emotion, every action, everything was normal, that I wasnt being a drama queen, that how and why was completely normal. Understanding that will help you understand your wife.

Thanks TS for all your thoughtful advise. I want nothing more to be able to restore my beautiful wife back to the happy complete person she once was before I ripped out her heart and soul. I feel horrible for her knowing that I (one she trusted and loved the most) destroyed her on so many levels. I'm suppose to be the one to protect her harm. Instead I took 12 years of her life, all our future plans together and the dreams we had for raising our children together and risked it all for what? I acted selfishly and as a result jepordized everything of value in my life (my wife and children). In addition, I lost my selfworth, pride, dignity, trust, and respect. I will not stop short of letting my wife know the following: That I have acknowledged my wrong doing, I'm trying everyday to better understand the pain she is experiencing, this has effected my life and given me a new prospective on what's important, that it has awakened an emotional side of me that I knew never existed, and that I'm committed to GOD, my wife, my children, and the truth. I've always loved my wife, but I've never felt a need more for her love than now. It is sad that it took such a horrific event to occur in order for my to recognize how much I really love my wife and how she completes me as a person. Trying to keep my head up, just scared.

Aaawww, I hope you tell your wife that last bit---that's really beautiful. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Best wishes in your recovery,
J

I think you should try to force a paternity test immediately so your dear wife doesn't have to suffer through her pregnancy. She and her baby, should be your one and only concern right now.

You are wise to be here, there are many wonderful people who will tell you their stories. None of us can tell you what you have to do to fix this, that is between you and your wife. I would advise absolutely no contact at all with ow. Get a laywer NOW to protect yourself and your family. If that child is yours most ow run faster then the speed of sound to get money. Look into a legal separation from your wife, with child support for her children FIRST, protect finances for the family it was intended.

You asked about no contact with oc. We had none and that was a lot better for me, my husband our children and extended families. It was a choice made jointley and with total honesty. I knew that there was no way I was going to allow that child in my home, etc. That if he wanted to play daddy, we would be divorced immediately. He also agreed that contact was asking far to much from to many people. My children deserved a life without the embarrassing oc around, having to explain it all.

Two people made this mess, and look how many people are hurt, humiliated, ashamed, etc. Just cause a baby is born does not correct this horrible mess. To many ow will cry "what is best for the child" assuming that the oc is all that matters. I say bull. The oc is just one of many who get hurt here. Look at what is best for you, your marriage and your children FIRST. Then discuss this honestly with your wife and go frm there. But don't ever feel guilty for not having contact to safe your family and protect your children. You made this mess, your family shouldn't have to pay for it with ongoing humiliation.

You also need to get uptodate on ow and their standard behavior. Usually, they use the oc for whatever means it is they want. They will rage in anger if you choose no contact, but if you choose contact they rage in anger cause your wife will be around. Read around. It is not a pretty sight. Do you want that for your family? Do you want her calling your house at all hours, leaving stupid messages about the oc? Or do you want your life back?

Read, get educated and fight hard to keep and save your family. But to it with your wife, honest and upfront.

I was thinking the same thing. Those words are what you need to express to your wife. You sound so much like my H at that moment, and take it from me it does mean the world to us.... we might not show it right away, cause of the trust issue, but with you continue working at the marriage she will remember it.

I am sorry that you are hurting, I saw the pain in my H eyes, I saw his tears, I saw it eat away at his soul for what he did. Some days it tore at my heart to see how much he hurt, and yes there was days when I had to bit my tongue from saying "you deserve it"

Lynn did bring up some good issue, protecting your family, the sad part of this is that your COM will be the ones that can pay for it. The way it is set is that whoever files first is the one that benefits. She might want to consider filing for CS (it can be done even tho you still live at the house) that way your COM will get a better share of it. Another thing is putting everything into her name, when the CS procedure to start it can get pretty nasty.

That is another good reason to really kick in the overtime to get the marriage back into shape cause it can get stressful during that time too.

How is your wife? Does she have alot support? Does she have someone to turn to? I did turn to the one that hurt me the most, I turned to my H for support and he was great with giving me what I needed. But it does help to have someone or a place like here to get out some vents.

Hang in there, keep coming back. And keep telling yourself that it can work out. We are proof right here.