I have a problem. Probably a different dilemma then most posted here.

Just so we’re clear, I’m a male and what you call a WS spouse, someone who has cheated and thus broken all bounds of trust in a given relationship. I’m in the early 30s, I’ve been married for more about 10 years, have two children and my wife found out about my last of three one night stands earlier this year. After much resistance I came clean.

The thing is, I think want a divorce, I don’t know really. And I’m not ready to ask for it either, I want her to be the one filling for it. Bear in mind that there is no financial motivation for this, its basically an emotional issue. Truthfully, I don’t want to feel guilty for leaving her or my children. On the other hand I believe that if I was to ask for a divorce it would totally destroy her confidence in her abilities as a parent and cripple her emotional balance. And then, threes the kids...

I will ask that you don’t judge me so soon in the text. After you finish reading this you still might think I’m the hypocritical ****** with no spine that only wants to flee his responsibilities piece of sh.... that you believe I am right now. If so, be it. I’ve came here to share first and in search of counseling and tried to be thruthful as I could be about my feelings.

My story, as many others here, is a complicated one. To cut it short, in the past few years I’ve engaged in two one night stands and what could be called an emotion affair with two sexual encounters. She was suspicious of the fist, and remained so until she was informed by a friend of last. I’m not happy with my life. I live in constant pressure from my work, and now guilt for what I have done to my wife amd family. I cant face the kids. I’ve grown apart from the family. I’m depressed, tired, no motivation.

Do I love her? Yes, I believe I do. Do I want to spend the rest of my life with her and the kids? I don’t believe so. I just don’t want the rest of my live to be like it is now: no social life, no fun, just a daily grind... For a long time I was an anti-social person even though she wasn’t. A career move changed all that. I now have different needs, want new things. I want to get out more, meet new people, do different things.

You might say, go and take her, you fool... I could, but I must admit I’m embraced of her. She’s a large person and has put a lot of weight after the pregnancies, which is normal. She keeps trying to loose it, really hard actually, but never comes thru with noticeable results. I believe its a genetic thing. That didn’t seam to bother me much before. We had a healthy relationship and our sexual life was improving rather well. But, for one reason or another, now it bothers me. I would like her to be “normal”. Am I bad person because of that? Am I using it as an pathetic excuse? Maybe I am, but that’s how I feel... Also, my one night stands were with skinny woman...

Our marriage has been, I’ll admit it, all about meeting my needs. She has gone thru a lot doing so, including much self-sacrifice, for which I’m very, very grateful, no doubt about it. That’s, most probably, why I haven’t asked for a divorce. However I’m convinced – maybe wrongly, I sincerely do not know – that it would be best for her if I was to leave her. For one, I’m not sure I can remain faithful, second this facade that recovery has been would end leaving us with a fresh start to continue with our lives, thirdly she would be ridden of the burden that I have been.

On the other hand there’s the kids. I do love them, even though sometimes I forget, and am sure it would break their hearts if I was to leave them. As for her, I truly doubt she would find another companion. Leaving would probably cripple their future opportunities.

As I now see it, it all comes down to these few pointers: We are currently in limbo, attempting a recovery that neither of us might want – she has admitted that much as well. I do not believe she will ever forgive my infidelity and what it has done to her confidence and the family. I gather I wont ever forgive myself either, for causing the enormous amount of pain and damage my actions have inflicted on her and, by reflection, on the kids. I do not know if I want to resist to next temptation (the sex wasn’t anything worth mentioning, but the emotion effect was quite strong). I still think about my one last stand, even though I know a relationship is currently impossible due to distance.

Life isn’t easy, we all know that, but should one live unhappily ever after and endure something that will probably lead nowhere worth mentioning in the end? Or should one just suck it up and make the best of what was laid out for him?

Thanks for reading
I have a problem. Probably a different dilemma then most posted here.

Just so we’re clear, I’m a male and what you call a WS spouse, someone who has cheated and thus broken all bounds of trust in a given relationship. I’m in the early 30s, I’ve been married for more about 10 years, have two children and my wife found out about my last of three one night stands earlier this year. After much resistance I came clean.

The thing is, I think want a divorce, I don’t know really. And I’m not ready to ask for it either, I want her to be the one filling for it. Bear in mind that there is no financial motivation for this, its basically an emotional issue. Truthfully, I don’t want to feel guilty for leaving her or my children. On the other hand I believe that if I was to ask for a divorce it would totally destroy her confidence in her abilities as a parent and cripple her emotional balance. And then, threes the kids...

I will ask that you don’t judge me so soon in the text. After you finish reading this you still might think I’m the hypocritical ****** with no spine that only wants to flee his responsibilities piece of sh.... that you believe I am right now. If so, be it. I’ve came here to share first and in search of counseling and tried to be thruthful as I could be about my feelings.

My story, as many others here, is a complicated one. To cut it short, in the past few years I’ve engaged in two one night stands and what could be called an emotion affair with two sexual encounters. She was suspicious of the fist, and remained so until she was informed by a friend of last. I’m not happy with my life. I live in constant pressure from my work, and now guilt for what I have done to my wife amd family. I cant face the kids. I’ve grown apart from the family. I’m depressed, tired, no motivation.

Do I love her? Yes, I believe I do. Do I want to spend the rest of my life with her and the kids? I don’t believe so. I just don’t want the rest of my live to be like it is now: no social life, no fun, just a daily grind... For a long time I was an anti-social person even though she wasn’t. A career move changed all that. I now have different needs, want new things. I want to get out more, meet new people, do different things.

You might say, go and take her, you fool... I could, but I must admit I’m embraced of her. She’s a large person and has put a lot of weight after the pregnancies, which is normal. She keeps trying to loose it, really hard actually, but never comes thru with noticeable results. I believe its a genetic thing. That didn’t seam to bother me much before. We had a healthy relationship and our sexual life was improving rather well. But, for one reason or another, now it bothers me. I would like her to be “normal”. Am I bad person because of that? Am I using it as an pathetic excuse? Maybe I am, but that’s how I feel... Also, my one night stands were with skinny woman...

Our marriage has been, I’ll admit it, all about meeting my needs. She has gone thru a lot doing so, including much self-sacrifice, for which I’m very, very grateful, no doubt about it. That’s, most probably, why I haven’t asked for a divorce. However I’m convinced – maybe wrongly, I sincerely do not know – that it would be best for her if I was to leave her. For one, I’m not sure I can remain faithful, second this facade that recovery has been would end leaving us with a fresh start to continue with our lives, thirdly she would be ridden of the burden that I have been.

On the other hand there’s the kids. I do love them, even though sometimes I forget, and am sure it would break their hearts if I was to leave them. As for her, I truly doubt she would find another companion. Leaving would probably cripple their future opportunities.

As I now see it, it all comes down to these few pointers: We are currently in limbo, attempting a recovery that neither of us might want – she has admitted that much as well. I do not believe she will ever forgive my infidelity and what it has done to her confidence and the family. I gather I wont ever forgive myself either, for causing the enormous amount of pain and damage my actions have inflicted on her and, by reflection, on the kids. I do not know if I want to resist to next temptation (the sex wasn’t anything worth mentioning, but the emotion effect was quite strong). I still think about my one last stand, even though I know a relationship is currently impossible due to distance.

Life isn’t easy, we all know that, but should one live unhappily ever after and endure something that will probably lead nowhere worth mentioning in the end? Or should one just suck it up and make the best of what was laid out for him?

Thanks for reading

There is no way to say this without sounding harsh...so I am just going to say it...

Grow up. I have never read such immature, self serving, self centered drivel in all my life.

But believe it or not...I mean that in a nice way <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

The thing is Jack, you acknowledge that up until this point your marriage has been mostly about getting your needs met...has it occured to you that the reason your marriage is not happy is because it has been all about getting your needs met?

The difference between children and grown ups is that grown ups realize that it isn't all about them...and truly happy and fulfilling relationships only happen when we invest in the other person. It isn't until you have invested in another person...given up something of yourself for them, that true intimacy can take place, because it is only then that there welfare also becomes our welfare...it is only then that the two can become one.

It doesn't sound like you have done too much sacrificing or giving your relationship and are just disappointed that your W's giving has not been enough to make you happy. It never will be. So you can leave and move onto another relationship expecting someone else to do all the giving and continue to be disappointed at not being "happy", or you can learn to give back.

I noticed no one responded. I have a couple of questions. Have you been to individual or joint counseling? How old are your children? You sound a bit depressed to me. There are great medications out there that can let you sit back and observe.

You sound a lot like my soon to be ex. I've been dealing with it for 24 years - my story is on the post titled "free-ing myself".

Individual counseling for you and joint together will really help you sort this thing out. I am so sorry you are struggling.

((((I have a Problem))))

Yes you do. You have a problem. I give you credit for recognizing and calling it "your" problem. That is a good start. I give you a lot of credit for searching for information and posting on this board honestly.

You sound just like my husband could have a couple of years ago. Now he wants to divorce me for OW, we have two children.

I'm just going to tell you my take from my experience....which is really all I can do. When I found myself at a point of realizing how much control I have at shaping the rest of my life...the words of Shakespeare came to mind. "To be, or not to be."....You decide WHAT you will be....did you ever hear that line in the Moody Blues song...."Just what you want to be, you'll be in the end." I also like the saying..."If it is to be it is up to me."

Sometimes I live life with the end in mind. What do you want to pass on to your children? What is your roll in this life? What gives your life meaning? What do you want to represent? I see you at a turning point in your life where you're deciding what kind of mature adult you'll become...

You have a big decision to make...you gave a life-time commitment to your wife and you have children. You're the only one who will make your words REAL. I'm not a man and I know we are different...but how about, just for kicks, you ask your wife what her needs are and work like a bat out of H**l to fulfill them. Pledge yourself to fulfilling her needs and trying to please her and see if you don't find pleasure in the giving....look into the Harley's book... His Needs, Her Needs. Once you "turn on and tune into" her and "wake up" your marraige...I'm willing to bet she'll be interested 110% in fulfilling your needs...naturally. You could end up feeling like the luckiest man in the world...you maybe already but you just don't know it yet...but it takes action.

I've made up a saying that I know I've paraphrased from Kahlil Gibrian..."In giving, we are living"

You can't do it with half a heart keeping a little off to the side just in case you're going to leave...You have to commit yourself to your marraige...jump in and give it ALL you got...that saying...."You get out, what you put in." Is sooo true. What you will get back, if you take the time to reflect will be a strong, happy marraige and family that will make you a wise mature beloved old man who is sure of himself...because it has so little to do with who she is...but everything to do with WHO YOU ARE.

Good luck and God bless you,
Strongest

PS: No, silly... you're not a bad person...you just feel the need to work on your relationship with your wife...would you be willing and open to marraige counseling...you have to decide and be honest with yourself about your level of commitment. I must say again ...try ...and what if you didn't try?...wouldn't it just haunt you...?

Hugs.

What you and your wife are feeling is completely normal in marriages where needs aren’t being met. It’s also normal for needs to change over the years. That’s one reason why Dr. Harley recommends you do the Questionnaires once a year.

Have you read this entire web site? From your post, I don’t think you have. Please read the whole thing. Read the Basic Concepts and the letters and articles. I think it will explain why both you and your wife are so frustrated.

Have you considered individual counseling? Some of what you are saying sounds like you are having a life crisis and dealing with questions like “Who do I want to be?” “How do I want to live my life?” “What kind of people do I want to be with?” “What are my values and priorities?” This is not unexpected for people in their early thirties. Those kind of questions can be scary. They can also tempt you to throw out the baby with the bath water.

Just as your wife losing weight will need patience, so will you. Give yourself a lot of time to make these decisions.

You'll have to explain that one to me slowly. If leaving the woman who has supported you her whole marriage will shatter her confidence, cripple her emotionally, hurt her parenting, and sentence her to a life alone -- how is that best for her? And yet you're too chicken to do it yourself, you want her to do it? Geez, with friends like that ...

Grow up. Read about how to save a marriage. And if you're bound and determined to shatter your family and cause immeasurable pain, at least have the cojones to own your actions. None of this "ooh, I don't want to feel guilty, I want HER to do it b/c I'm not sure I can remain faithful (since my penis arranges dates for me without my knowledge and then drives me to the rendezvous. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> "