Stonecold,
Slide on over...let me sit on the bench with you.....
My exWS and I were 39 years old when we met. Both previously married. He had a son and daughter from first marriage and I had two sons from first marriage.
When I first met him, I knew he was an alcoholic/addict, but he was in Recovery at that time. At least...I thought he was. I didn't know that he had been in multiple treatment programs with multiple relapses in his past. I rarely drank (twice a year?), and never drugged, so I was pretty naive. I fell head over heels in love. The first man I'd been with who really seemed to desire me in all ways.
Reality hits with the drinking. The craziness...the empty promises, my putting up with it. At least he was together enough on weekends to have his children visit. They had wanted so badly to see him,and he them, but their mother could never trust them to be with him alone. They were 8 and 13 at the time. I made a promise to their mother that if I ever saw him getting overly angry or with the kids during a visit, I would bring them home to her. I did once.
Two years into our relationship...me finally at my bottom, him close to death from drinking 1/5th vodka daily, he got into Recovery and stayed. He rebuilt a wonderful relationship with his son and daugher. Our children got along great with each other. (What a gift that was!).
He normally went to AA/NA meetings five times a week. FElt that's what he needed to stay clean and sober. I respected that. But, within a year or so after marrying, he starts spending more and more time away from home. Never knew when he'd get in. Again, I'm trying to give him space to heal and grow. I knew that alcoholics/addicts often have alot of growing up to do developmentally. But, my needs definitely weren't being met.
Well, he starts bringing home less and less money. Opens his own checking account and gives me money. I paid all our bills, and he used to just hand me his check to cash and I'd give him cash back. He didn't want to be bothered with paying bills. So, maybe opening his own checking account was a good step. I had to not be so controlling. He was a house painter so I never knew how many hours he had weekly or if someone had paid him what was due.
Then we started getting calls from some female from AA/NA. I'd just turn the phone over to him respecting that AA business was none of my business. After several calls however, I did ask him why she was calling him instead of another female? AA/NA recommends that men support men and women support women when on a one on one basis. He said that she was calling about her finace who would frequently relapse and she couldn't handle him. My ex did note,however, that she had an adult brother living with her. I suggested that she go to Al-anon like the rest of us who had friends and family who were using.
Ex comes to me 2 weeks after our 2nd anniversary and tells me he's rented a house and is moving out! I was totally shocked. I knew things were rough, but I had NO idea they were going in that direction. I asked if another woman was moving in. He said "Yes, but she's just a friend from the Club who needs a roof over her head. It's nothing sexual or anything." Yeah, right! He and I start talking and decide to go for marriage counseling. He still moves out as we can hardly be in the same room without blowing up. I hadn't found MB site at that time.
We go for counseling. He asks to move back in after one month. I agree. Things still not good when he moves back in. Still says he loves me, in love with me, finds me desireable, etc. But, never around. Second "night job" that no income ever came in from. (The guy won't pay me what he owes!)Sex 2 times a month, IF I initiated. I thought he was using again. Or gambling, or something addictive. The crazying making behaviors were all there.
Several months down the road, I strongly suspect he's having an affair, but couldn't ever catch him. He work sites changed daily, and he has never carried a cell phone or used computers. And me, I always give people the benefit of the doubt. I've seen and heard some pretty outrageous, but true situations while counseling.
Finally, after many, many "clues", I have a new co-worker whose in Recovery. He knows I've been struggling. He sometimes goes to meetings where my ex went. He said he could do some asking around. I told him that I wouldn't expect it of him, but would appreciate it. Also, that I didn't ever want to know anything that was shared at a 12 step table. That was none of my business, but upstairs in the Club was fair game since anyone could go there as far as I was concerned. He agreed.
He took me aside the next time I saw him. He proceeded to tell me that my ex was with a very young looking woman. He asked another member who the woman with my ex was. The guy said "Oh, that's (ex's) girlfriend." My co-worker said "But "EX" is still married." The guy looks insulted and says "No he's not!" My co-worker reiterates that he thinks he is. The guy walk away.
I was in tears by now. I made some comment about how young she was. I said "And she probably has long hair and a knock out figure, too.?" He said "Well, she has long hair. She probably used to have a good figure, but she's heavy now." I was confused. I made some comment about "Well, are they just eating too well, enjoying each other's company?!" He said "No. She's visibly pregnant."
The OW was 21. My exWS was 47. She was 7 months pregnant when I found out. My exWS's son was 20! I was sick to say the least.
I told my exWS (who was still telling me he loved me, wanted to be with me) that "if you wanted a younger woman, why didn't you just say so? Just divorce me? Lots of middle age guys want young woman. Makes them feel good about themselves. And, I obviously can't ever be young again." He denied that age was a factor. Besides "She's mature for her age. She's lived a hard life." Other than her youth, the OW didn't have a whole lot else going for her. Lazy, low intelligence,self-centered, threw temper tantrums, poor parent, etc.
I confronted him that it was a bunch of bs if he didn't think age had anything to do with it. He might be embarassed about it now that she was pregnant, but there were many, many 30 and 40 year old women who attended meetings at the Club. They were often very needy, too, and he could have been their "hero" just as well!"
I don't know why I bothered to argue it. I guess just another part of my very hurt ego.
Today my exWS lives together with his OW and their 4 year old son. Their son was born with Downs Syndrome, so they have extra responsibilities. My stp daughter tells me the OW is a very poor parent, is selfish, still throws tantrums, and is a slob around the house. (My ex wouldn't have tolerated this in the past.) She said that her dad always looks sad and miserable. He would still call me periodically, wanting to reconcile. We tried it for awhile, initially, but he wouldn't ever move out from living with the OW.
I have no proof age was a factor.....but I'm sure it didn't hurt.
Last edited by heartmending; 08/04/06 12:00 AM.
