Okay, let's start again here JJ. For many that do not knwo your story, you may want to cut and paste it here so we can move on.

This was on page 3. So.... ^bump^

This is my post from MM thread. My current situation for those that don't already know it is this. 11 years (1995) ago I was married to someone else. We had been married about a year. I began an affair with a married man. He had been married about 2 years and had a very young son. I separated from my XH shortly after the affair began. I knew it was wrong. I make no excuses for my behavior.

My affair partner also separated from his wife. We lived separately in separate towns but continued our affair. We both divorced. We were together about a year when I moved to the town he lived in. About 6 (1997) months later we bought a house and moved in together. We had talked of getting married many times but we did not marry...not yet. But yes, I married my affair partner.

Fast forward 11 years and my H had an A. So now I am a BS of sorts. I don't fit into the typical BS category. I was the OW. I was a WW. I have been faithful to my H. Our situation is extremely complicated and offensive to many. I am humbly saying I am sorry to all BS on this site and if I am sorry, really sorry for all of your pain. If you want to hit me with your anger I will accept it. You are entitled. You are entitled to feel whatever way you do about me.

Please know that I am trying very hard right now to figure this all out. I don't have the answers to any of it. I am just trying to learn, to grow and to become a better person. I will answer questions as honestly and openly as I can. Some of what I say may appear as fog. I am hesitant to say anything about my XH because I am not sure what will be considered fog from what is fact. I will give only 3 facts about him that I am pretty sure aren't for.

Fact: He is a diagnosed Paranoid Schizophrenic. He was not diagnosed prior to or during our relationship or marriage. That is not to say that he wasn't in the early stages of this illness because I believe that he was. He refuses his diagnosis and will NOT take the medication that could help him. Instead he chooses to self medicate.

Fact: He is an alcoholic. I knew to some extent that he had a drinking problem when we were together. That I own.

Fact: He is a meth addict. He was not using meth to my knowledge when we were together but I am not positive. I know that meth can cause a psychotic break but knowing now that schizophrenia runs in his family leads me to believe that the meth did not cause his mental illness.

Okay I guess it is 4 facts. He remarried. His second wife left him after less than a year of marriage. I don't know her or what her reasons are for leaving him. I don't think he was diagnosed until after their divorce but I am not sure. The information I have comes from his sister.

I am not saying that any of this was reason for me to have an A. Nothing justifies my behavior. I know this. However what I will say is that to anyone who suggests that I divorce my current H and remarry/go back to my XH this is just not going to happen ever. He isn't an evil person. I am not in any way saying that...just a very sick one. We didn't have any children together and I don't think he had any kids with his second wife.

We had always practiced birth control. In Sept. of 1998 I fell and broke my foot. I was on several medications for this injury. One would think that I would have been smart enough to realize that certain medications interact with BC pills but I wasn't. In Oct. of 1998, I found out I was pregnant. The same week that I found out that I was pregnant I also found out that my mom's long term (many years) battle with breast cancer (radical mastectomy, chemo, the whole deal...she was in remission for a little over 4 years when they realized that the breast cancer was back. She underwent more chemo and seemed to be doing okay for a few more years. She was working as she always had as a nurse.) had spread to her brain. The prognosis was grim. There were 5 tumors in her brain, the largest the size of a walnut located near the brainstem. Because of the location of the largest tumor the doctors felt that it was inoperable at the time and it was recommended that she undergo radiation however the told us she was going to die...it wasn't a matter of years. Doctors said six months at most. I was devastated.

My next post will talk about my adoption and how I came into this world. But for this post know that the love I had (still have) for my mom was the strongest bond I knew. She was the only person in my life that ever truly showed me the meaning of unconditional love.

Regarding the pregnancy...neither one of us was sure what to do. We thought of all the options. Yes, unfortunately we considered them all. Adoption was NOT an option for me. As an adopted child I knew that I was not capable of giving up a child. We considered abortion. That too was not an option that either one of felt we could live with. We considered just staying together unmarried and raising the baby. In the end we chose to get married. We married in Nov. of 1998 in the living room of our house. The guest list was very short. It included the minister who counseled us (she knew our circumstances as did our families) and married us, my H's parents, my mom, my H's grandmother, and his son who was 4.

My sister, my mom, and I spent the Thanksgiving/ Christmas holidays with my H's family. My mom's health was rapidly declining. My mom and I lived in the same town. My sister lived 2 hours away. She quit her job (not a very good job so this wasn't a difficult decision for her) and moved in with my mom to become her primary care giver. Hospice was brought in and although I was teaching I spent the majority of the rest of my time at my mom's. It was not easy for us to watch my mom slipping away. Our parents had been divorced since we were very little. I was about 5 and my sister (who is only 6 months younger..the ages seem confusing but remember I am adopted) and my mom never remarried. My dad had been remarried since we were about 6 or 7. So my dad was not directly involved in any of the hospice care.

Anyone who has ever been involved in a hospice death knows how this goes. Her health rapidly declined and because the tumors were in her brain her speech and ability to walk became affected. January was not a good month. My mom stopped eating and was barely able to drink anything. A hospital bed was brought into her living room because it was hard for her to get in and out of bed to go to the bathroom etc. My mom had many good friends. People who came to help my sister and I. Friends who were radically honest with us and helped us to have hard conversations with our mom. Towards the end of January she became completely bedridden and was now mortified that she no longer could get up to go to the bathroom. No mother ever expects her children to be caring for her in much the same way she cared for them when they were babies. At some point she stopped being able to really drink anything and not only was her speech impaired but now her vision was also declining. We began to use these things called glycerin swabs (they are like a little wet sponge on a stick) to keep her mouth moist. She had difficulty swallowing. For some reason her body chemistry could not tolerate narcotic pain medication so when she could we gave her children's liquid Motrin. She was prescribed an ativan but she didn't want to take that either. She would only allow my sister to give it to her and even then she wanted my sister to break them in half and was always sure my sister was trying to give her more than half.

The first weekend in Feb. it was decided that my sister would go home for the weekend to see her BF and friends. She hadn't been home in over a month and she needed to go. A couple of my mom's friends were at the house staying the weekend and we hired a hospice volunteer (not a nurse but someone that had some medical training) to spend the nights there while my sister was gone. My sister left Friday afternoon. I stayed at my mom's until around 11pm and then after she was down for the night I drove the couple blocks to my home. I always drove over...not sure why I just always did.

Saturday was my stepson's b'day party at his mom's house. I had planned to go see my mom and then go to the party. When I got up Saturday morning I felt the strongest sense of urgency to go to my mom's immediately. For some reason I decided to walk. When I got there she was awake and semi coherent. A good friend of hers from high school that she hadn't seen in many years had drove to see her so she plus a few other of my mom's friends, the hospice volunteer and I were there. My mom had a DNR order. She was in pain and I tried to give her some Motrin but she was choking on it so I stopped. She pulled my head toward hers and whispered in my ear...Jillygirl don't leave. I said okay Mommy I'll stay. I called my H to tell him that I wasn't going to be able to leave for the party. He said he understood.

I went into the bedroom where her computer was to print off her emails to read to her. Something my sister and I did everyday. She got tons of emails and regular mail daily. I was in the other room when the hospice volunteer came in and said you better come right now. All my mom's friends were gathered around the bed and the volunteer was checking her vitals and telling us she was going. My mom's friends were all saying it's alright, go to the light. I was NOT saying this I lay down on the bed with her and began screaming No mommy no mommy don't go. She went. I remember a lot of things going on around me. I remember the volunteer saying she was gone. I refused to believe her and started into a full blown panic calling our regular hospice nurse who said she would be right there. I asked could I call 911...she said I could but because she had a DNR that they wouldn't be able to do anything’s tried to call my sister but kept getting her voice mail. I didn't know what kind of message to leave but I knew I couldn't leave her a voice mail that said Mommy's dead. I think I said something like you need to call me NOW it's an emergency.

I lay back down on the bed with my mom. Our regular hospice nurse came. I asked her to make sure she was really dead. She did. She was. I remember the hospice nurse clearing out the house of everyone except herself and me. I lay on the bed sobbing uncontrollably. I don't know how long I lay there. The hospice nurse busied herself with removing medical equipment. She would stop periodically and put her hand on my back. She told me I could lay there for as long as I needed to. She wouldn't call the necessary people until I was ready. I don't know how long I lay there...I know it got dark. At some point I called my H and my dad. I remember my H coming. I remember we were standing in the back in the screened porch. I don’t remember what he said exactly. I knew he was worried because I was 5 months pregnant.

At some point my dad and stepmom came. I didn't ask them to come. They live two hours away. I told my H to go home. I remember my stepmom saying my mom looked beautiful. My dad said something about her looking peaceful and that she wasn't going to have to suffer anymore. She had suffered long enough. My mom's friends came back with food. People were trying to get me to eat. I didn't want to eat. I do remember asking someone to turn off the Enya CD that had been on continuous repeat all day.

The man that took care of dealing with the body was a good friend of my mom's from HS also. When she got sick he sent her a card every day until she died. He was a good friend. A good man. He owned a mortuary two hours away. He had come to visit my mom earlier and told my sister and me that when the time came that he would take care of everything himself. My mom wanted to be cremated. I remember him coming some point that evening. I love this man for his gentle and kind way.

He knew I was a complete basket case yet somehow he was able to help me. An outfit had to be chosen for her. I remember him telling me when I was ready step by step what he was going to do. The hospice nurse dressed my mom. He said I am going to bring in the bag now. My dad helped him I remember this. I watched as they put her in the body bag and zipped her up. The brought in something a gurney maybe and my dad and this man lifted her on and rolled her out to the hearse. At some point someone started to strip the bed and I remember freaking out telling them to stop...don't touch anything...don't throw anything away.

After the man left with my mom's body my dad decided that I needed to go home. They drove me home. I went to bed. I cried and cried. My H was beside himself because he didn't know what to do to help me. I went to sleep and when I woke up the next morning it took me a few moments to realize that yes it had really happened. Yes she was really gone forever. Her death profoundly changed me. I don't know really how to explain it at all. We used to be on year round school here so I was fortunate in that I had the rest of the month off.

This time is so bittersweet in my life. Losing my mom while being pregnant with my own daughter. My first known biological family. God carried me literally through the rest of my pregnancy. I returned to work in March. I began to have early contractions. At first it was thought to be Braxton hicks but later other complications arose and I was put on medication to stop the contractions. Although the meds helped eventually I was put on bed rest for the remainder of my pregnancy.

At 37 weeks I went into labor. I awoke at 4am to feel the baby move up and then down and all of sudden I was all wet. It didn't occur to me right off that my water had broken. I woke my H up and told him. I wanted to take a shower etc. My H said I would have plenty of time that with a first baby the labor could last hours. He was wrong. Knowing only what I had read in books etc. I assumed that my labor would be much longer too. After I got out of the shower I kept feeling like I had to go to the bathroom. I didn't know that this feeling was me pushing....laboring. When I was unable to get myself dressed alone...contractions were so close together that my H had to help me get dressed. I kept saying I had to go to the bathroom. Eventually when he heard/saw me grunting in the bathroom and every time I came out I felt the urge to squat on the floor he decided we needed to go to the hospital. He kept telling me to stop pushing in the car...I couldn't stop. We arrived at the hospital around 6am. When they got me to the labor floor they told me to undress. I tried but kept squatting and pushing. The nurse realized there was a problem. They undressed me and she examined me and she said that I was fully dilated. They rolled me into the delivery room. They were trying to get a hold of my OB. They didn't think he was going to make it so they told us they were going to bring the resident up from the ER to deliver. When he came in I swear it was Doogie Houser. I am thinking this guy is what 12? Are you kidding me? My doctor did make it and Doogie asked if he could stay and watch. I didn't care at this point if they wanted to film it for the news. All I could do was push. I didn't have to push very much. Our daughter was born at 6:30am. My biggest fear was that her lungs wouldn't be fully developed but they were. She was fine.

The next few weeks brought on a whole slew of emotions. I don't know if I had postpartum or if it was just normal grief from the death of my mom but I cried everyday not all day...just some everyday. One thing that happened after her birth was I discovered for myself just how much a mother loves her child. This was overwhelming because as I realized this I also saw how much my own mom loved me. It also stirred up a lot of feelings about being adopted. I at the time hadn't not found out my biological history so there was a part of me that was so primaly hurt at the thought of giving up a child. When I would look at my baby I asked myself how could she give me away. Unless you are adopted it will be hard to understand this profound sense of being unwanted. This has nothing to do with my parents...I knew they loved me. It was about my bio mom. It is hard to explain and hard to reconcile with myself. The birth of my child coupled so closely with the death of my mom affected me in the way that I dealt with everyone else in my life. My H was very supportive but not trained to help me with what I was going through. I focused on the baby almost entirely to the detriment of my M. I felt that I had to become the best mom in the world to be worthy of this gift that I felt God gave me at the time when I needed this child to love. God knows what we I need believe this with every fiber of my being. He knows and he provides whether we think we are worthy or not. I have struggled with issues of self worth my whole life. Some of your posts have helped me to see that God knows what we are worth and we are the ones that need to believe it.

I don't know why I started here. I guess I don't really know where to start.

MM I would like to recommend a book to you regarding adoption calld The Primal Wound by Nancy Verrier. If you are indead headed for a divorce this book may help you to address some of the issues your adopted son may have regarding abadonment. I know you are NOT abadoning your son in any way. I don't know what the circumstances are regarding his birth father. How old are your boys? Does your son know anything about his bio father? If so what and how was he told? Do your boys know or think that you are getting a D? Are you currently living with your wife and if not where are the kids? What is the visitation schedule like? I know I am asking a lot of personal questions about your situation but I really do think that possibly I could help your with the care of your adopted son. I am not a trained professional but I have done a lot of research so I can offer you what I have learned. Some of it may apply and some may not. I am not sure if because of my current life situation you would trust me to advise you regarding this but it is a genuine offer.I not only respect that you don't email woman I admire that. I am thinking this is why the PM feature of this board isn't used but I for one think it is for the best. Anyway let me know if you want to continue an adoption discussion.

Jilly

Thanks for the post Jilly, very emotional stuff. I hope you are doing well and feeling better day by day.

Your previous posts from the other thread were deleted, so I forget the timeline for your pregnancy and your husbands affair, etc. Could you refresh us?

Are you taking any medication for depression? The effect that depression (or any other mental illness) has on a person is profound. My FWW has clinical depression, I know how desperate the feelings can be.

Is your husband still in the affair?

Dear Jilly.
I am so glad you decided to share your story with the 'MB family' and reach out again for help.
That was nice of Mortarman to start this thread.

I cried when I read about the passing of your Mom. It brought back sad memories of my
beloved Dad's death from cancer. You are young to be without your Mom. I am sorry, Jilly.

I know you have much more to tell us.
We will be looking forward to more of your life story and how things are going with you and
your husband NOW; if he is sorry, remorseful and repentant for his recent affair.

P.S. I am sending you a tender & caring mom-type hug this evening.

Jilly,

I read your story, it is indeed a sad one, but I have a question. Why did you feel the need to tell this story in an infidelity forum? What does your mom dying of cancer or your being adopted have to do with your marrying your affair partner? What does it have to do with your husband's most recent infidelity? I don't understand. Can you please explain the intent of your post?

Thank you,

Molly

Should we all post how horrible OUR childhoods were?

Does that excuse ANYONE from ******** someone else's spouse?

I don't think so.

I am glad you came back Jilly. There are people here who really want to help you. You sound like you are all tangled up inside.

I don't believe you deserve to be abused for what you have done.

It may be helpful to you if you want to set your page views up to ignore some of the more offensive people here. As it was explained to me, many of them are still close to their pain and it does come out.

To set your page view to ignore a poster, click on their name. On the page that comes up you will see on the lower right the option to "ignore".
Just click on that and you may spare yourself seeing further attacks from people who are posting to cause you more hurt rather than posting to help you.

I AM SHOCKED THAT PEOPLE HAVE THE HEARTLESSNESS TO WRITE WHAT THE LAST TWO RESPONDERS WROTE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ***************************EDIT*****************. JILLY HAS HAD A HORRIBLE EXPIRENCE! CAN'T YOU BE DECENT ENOUGH TO RESPECT THAT SHE HAS GONE THROUGH SOME TRAUMA AND SHE IS TRYING TO WORK IT OUT IN HER OWN WAY. SHE STATED SEVERAL TIMES THAT THIS DOES NOT GIVE HER AN EXCUSE TO DO WHAT SHE HAS DONE. SHE HAS MANY THINGS SWIMMING IN HER HEAD AND NEEDS TO GET THEM OUT TO BE ABLE TO ORGANIZE HER THOUGHTS AND BEGIN AGAIN!

INSTEAD OF JUDGING OTHERS I THINK WE ARE HERE TO PROVIDE SUPPORT AND COMFORT TO THOSE IN NEED!!!! IF YOU DON'T HAVE SOMETHING SUPPORTIVE TO SAY PLEASE DON'T RESPOND!


HER MESSAGE IS APPARENTLY A CALL FOR HELP- THE LAST THING THAT SHE NEEDS IS PEOPLE WHO ARE NOT GOING TO HELP. *******************************EDIT**************

right, black opal

too close to my pain- would you like to hear the ******life the ow in our situation had?

would you like to hear the ***** life she still has?

did that give her the right to chase my husband?

so, here we are again- everyone make nice to the ow here because now she is in the same situation she put another woman before..

now, though, we get invited to her pity party.

whose going to bring the cupcakes?

SORRY BLACKOPAL *******************OH AND jILL GOOD LUCK. i TOO HAVE BEEN THROUGH QUITE A BIT OF TRAUMA AND KNOW THAT YOU ARE ON THE RIGHT PATH IF YOU RECOGNIZE WHAT WENT WRONG AND THAT THE MB COMMUNITY (MOST OF THEM ) CAN HELP.

*************************EDIT****************

Were you an OW cfc by any remote chance? Are you also married to your affair partner?

Sometimes the most helpful words are UN-supportive.

CFC- NO ONE- NO ONE- DESERVES A WS- HOW DARE YOU!!!!

WE ARE ON AN INFIDELITY FORUM- NOT A SUPPPRT GROUP FOR POOR CHILDHOODS.

I stayed off her first thred because I did not feel I could offer anything to her- now, she comes back and wants everyone to feel sorry for her?

puh-lease

BY THE WAY I THINK JILLY APPRECIATES YOU BUMPING HER STORY AGAIN AND AGAIN!

CFC,

what did you do to make your spouse **** around on you?

or what- do you think I am the only BS on here that deserves it?

That's ok CFC. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
See, Jilly, the "ignore" feature works really well. I know someone responded to what I wrote and it likely was an unhappy expression of theirr pain, and though I feel sad for what they are going through, ( I went through it myself) I am not able to actually SEE it, and so a response from me is not needed.

Jilly, since we are starting this new thread for you, can you please tell us what you would like to focus on as a goal in your situation?

I mean, reading your stuff, you seem to be going through grieving for your mom and now are struck with what your husband has done.

I think one of the first things you may consider doing is getting your own self stabilized emotionally so you can decide which direction you really want to go.

Did you say you had a counselor or therapist?

Ah the "close to your pain" discredit button.

A favorite among the conflict averse and those who like to use their historical losses as a shield when explaining their behavior and choices who are questioned on doing just that.

Second cousin twice removed to "So sorry she peed on your shoes..she's mentally ill you know."

The ignore button is a very usefull tool BO..I think I'll take your advice until such time as we officially set up the TOW transfer section of the board which will resolve the cross victimization issue don't you think?

I am sorry you are angry and unhappy noodle. After this I will not be able to see your posts. I hope you feel better soon.