Ok. still moping about the xbf and the Train Wreck...

did my crying.

got another call tonight from "private" number and hang up...his home phone is unlisted and shows up at my house as private btw...only private number I get calling me at night...

so what does a girl do when she's down?

easy.

SHE GETS OUT.

tomorrow evening, going to see ballad of ricky bobby w/my best guy friend in world (doc and we've hung out for 4 years now)....then to atlantic station and to hang out...

we might blow town in saturday and head 2 savannah for fun...no plans nothing. just flying by the seat of our pants...and NO>>>we have boundaries! he's just my friend.

read the other post about "travelling companion" and guess he's mine? he threw two of my divorce parties 2 years ago btw...very cool and my girlfriends love him.

on call tonight...going to go upstairs, take bubble bath as atlanta's swealtering here, watch shark week and then do a quickie 30 min. workout before bed. went shopping tonight to get a few little things...to make me feel better..still feel like crud.

had horrid night last night. my ds cried and cried as he didn't want to go to his dad's house for visitation. it breaks my heart. this week has just been too much for me. waaaaaay too much.

How was the movie?

how was the workout?

""this week has just been too much for me. waaaaaay too much. ""

must be "shark week" because you are NOT alone...

not only have i been dealing with a sh*t storm created by my GF with my daughter...(i posted under "boundries and EX's")

but there has been so much drama and chaos as a result that i have "cut GF from the team"...

at least temporarily....

i want someone who compliments my life...not COMPLICATES it!!!

.................must be related to "shark week"...... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Peachy, Have you heard that country song My Give-a-damn's busted! If I were you I would not rush to fix it. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

What is Shark Week, and why is everyone doing bad?

Funny, I live in WI, but the sharks are circling here too. What a rough week.

Anyhow, good advice Peachy, I too am heading out of town with the kids and a bunch of friends and their kids this weekend. A much needed escape. The cell phone is staying home too!

Hang in there!

Take care and God bless!

K

geez peachy... why just friends with this doctor? a dr is a great catch! maybe you should lighten up those boundaries with him just a bit....

just my input ;-)

mlhb

Yeah, everyone thinks a dog is a great catch....until all the other women try to catch him too.

I'd rather have a chiropractor. Then, I could be reasonably assured that everyone in my FOC would be well adjusted. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

no time to go terribly into detail...

had the hives yesterday...yea from STRESS! ya know, the code, the me bagging the dying patient and the patient dying, the son crying about not wanting to go 2 darth's this weekend, and then yesterday my neighbor runs over his cat in the morning and I find him in middle of street w/bloody cat crying and I help the guy (call an emergency vet clinic)...cat is also dead too...and then the whole xbf thing.

stayed in last night...DID WATCH SHARK WEEK...some really hot guys are hosting and doing programs this week...shark week should be called "hot hosts week"...grrrrowl! I even like the grey haired guy who does alot of the documentaires...maybe I've been a bit too celibate lately????

anyway, thurs. night after I posted, the xbf calls me to complain about HIS LIFE...blah blah blah. I tell him that he chose his life. He complains he has no time to do anything and that he slept 2 hours the night before and all he wants to do is sleep. I say that he can choose what he wants to do and that HE SHOULD CONSIDER LOOKING AT HOW MUCH HIS JOB HAS COST HIM AND ALL THE PROBLEMS WITH IT (including the Train wreck). He says he knows it and understands it (very foggy I must say)...but then he says "well where can I get a partners' salary like this?" I say back "well J, with your experience, you should be able to find one soon...or get another practice with benefits that will equal the salary (perks and vac time or stock stuff) until they make him partner at another firm...as he's a good lawyer with an incredible legal history". He says it sounds good. I tell him that he should do that. I say that "it's HURT YOU ON MANY LEVELS...PROFESSIONALLY AND PERSONALLY".

I then quickly cut off our convo as he asks what I am up to. I say "surfing the net trying to decide what I want to do this weekend. I may go to savannah. Just want to get away from here and let my hair down". He asks "who all is going?" I say "me and a friend or two." He says, "You mean T your best guy friend? " I say yea. I say that he and I and one of my girlfriends have a wild itch to just get outta town. That I have had alot of stress and need to get away. That either way I will be spending alot of time this weekend w/the top to his convertible jag down and my hair flying in the breeze!"

He is not happy. I say well this is your life. You can learn to like it AS IS...with her AS IS...or you can be secretly unhappy and miserable and die from stress 20 years before your time. I am blowing off stress. STRESS IS BAD.

We are nice and I quickly get off phone.

He he he. Plan 180b dating is underway!

We shall see if UNHAPPINESS AND DEPRESSION CAN BECOME A POSITIVE MOTIVATOR FOR CHANGE WITH THE XBF. if not, he will become just like so many ws here we see who become more miserable b/c of stupid choices but continue down the stuuuupid path.

I am getting in shower...meeting in 30 min. for sushi with T, my doc friend (HE IS HOT OK? BUT WE'VE JUST ALWAYS BEEN GOOD FRIENDS W/GOOD BOUNDARIES)...and my girlfriend Sue. Sushi is GOOD! and we shall decide during sushi if we shall depart ATL!

You're going against your own boundries by talking to him.
You either need to adjust and recommunicate your boundries, or you need to stop talking to him. Don't say one thing and do another -- then you are allowing him to cross your boundries and that is a very bad message to send.

I think the best message to leave him with was that you were upset with his actions and choose to remove yourself from the triangle -- followed by silence.

I don't think you should give him the impression that you are so easily over him, or make him jealous with another man. Not if you were truly so close to making a commitment with him. He could easily translate that into you not caring.

I hope you really do de-stress this weekend. You've had an awful few days....

HUGS

JP,

I am going to lovingly give you some of the womderful advice that I can find you giving out routinely here.

You are allowing J to cake eat. He's calling you to tell you how miserable he is and get his Peachy fix at the same time. He's made a terrible choice between Trainwreck and you, is questioning that decision but still is not able or willing to do anything about it. For instance if I were J and I were having these feelings he "says" he is having then I would

1. End it with Trainwreck once and for all
2. Find a way to assure you it was over w/ Train (NC letter, phone conversation, etc)
3. Fall to my knees and ask your forgivenss for being a selfish fool
4. Spend the next year proving to you that you are the one for me
5. MOVE to be near you, even if it meant letting go of my present position. If it's you or the partnership I must choose you if I really love you and want to be with you.

Have a great time this weekend. Savannah is a great town!

I think Lexxxy makes a good point. Either you have no contact or you don't; but to say one thing yet do another is very confusing for everyone.

BTW, did he admit that he is involved with his xGF? Was it just that one "date" (whatever that involved), or are they "an item"? And if they are, do you really want him back?

I vote for some time apart, without the high school "jealousy" games.

AGG

How was the night on the town, Peachy?
How are you feeling about everything?
Thinking of you....
KK

Ok...am up.

Dobie...I must admit. I eat carbs TOO!

mlhb and gekko: workouts ok. going in a bit again. Did NOT go to savannah...too on the fly. And we will see. I am too raw right now to consider dating really somebody else. Need the dust to settle .

Cinderella...you're so awesome! the dog analogy. I could also use a good chiropractor soon too. or a vet.

I am such a geek...SUCH A GEEK...last night during dinner with T and my friends, (yes me and my friends and my best guy friend) I said this, "Darn it...I am missing the show about the Giant Squid on Discovery...You guys know it's shark week and all.") Darn it I want to see the giant squid! I am a diver ok...amateur and not yet certified but all this stuff fascinates the diver in me and also at same time scares the sheeoot outta me too...wierd bad/good thing and why I am fascinated with sharks and all things scary in the sea.

Lexxxy...excellent stuff. I might outta somehow communicate that to him better? but how? I am silent now. your suggestions how to navigate these murky waters?

HopeandPray...excellent also. I am more doing a 180 dating rather than a plan B. I just am not going to call..in fact I redid the 180 thread for dating and will post it below in a bit. I also need advice on this one.

Good guy...he LIVED with the xgf for 2 mos. and they dated for almost 2 years. It's not like they just dated. She is a calculated woman..with a chequered past that only came out after they'd been dating a year. HIs words on this issue was "I have UNRESOLVED feelings towards her"...whatever that means. I take it to mean that he still has conflicting feelings and my harbor some love yet. But he also feels for me too. And I am not ever about to go back into a triangle ever again. Not after my D.

So...does everybody vote for time apart? What about contact? Time apart with minimal contact and my doing a dating version of the 180 ?

KK...had a great night. Ate lunch and shopped w/my friends. Ended up driving with T to Helen, GA in his convertible. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> WE hung out...waded in the chatahoochee... and then we drove back and into a horrid thunderstorm and decided to forego downtown Atl and stayed in alpharetta w/my friends. We all went and saw Talladega nights...I CRIED IT WAS SO FUNNY....the part about his dad teaching him to drive w/the cougar was HILARIOUS!

Wanna know what was also hilarious? The man that Ricky Bobby marries name is Carly...She is a skinny, plastic, cheating and lying woman with hair extensions who jumps from moneyman to moneyman...and that's the name of my xh's wistress wifey! My friends busted out laughing when they said her name for the first time. Be sure to stay around for the credits b/c there are more stupid stuff and funny things...the family dinner prayer is classic..."dear baby tiny jesus"...

afterwards we went to wildwing cafe near my house and saw an incredible band called Tokoyo Joe. They are incredible! We danced and goofed off for about 2 hours there. My friends wanted me to just let off some steam. If that band comes up your way (think they are from NC), GO SEE THEM! excellent live...and their tshirts from their new cd? "It's all about ME". How wayward is that....I bought the tshirt.

I now own a tshirt that says "It's all about me." I will wear it in front of darth when I pick up my son. Ha. Take that sith lord.
____________________________________________________________
And now..I will post "PEACHY'S REVISED 180 DATING THREAD FOR THE RECYCLED SINGLE"

1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or
implore.
2. No frequent phone calls.
3. Do not point out good points in relationship.
4. Do not follow him around anywhere.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future.
6. Do not ask for help from mutual friends.
7. Do not ask for reassurances.
8. Do not buy gifts.
9. Do not attempt to schedule dates together.
10. Do not spy on bf or gf.
11. Do not say "I Love You". do not say really anything that makes them think you're smitten with them.
12. Act as if you are moving on with your life. Very Key!
13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive.
14. Don't sit around waiting on your bf - get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc. Or just go out and make sure you look fabulous.
15. When sitting around or on phone with the bf/gf , (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words.
16. If you are in the habit of asking your siggie other his whereabouts, ASK NOTHING. be vague if they ask about yours...
17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your bf or gf.
18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if bf notices and, more important, realize what he will be missing
19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show happiness and contentment. Show him someone he would want to be around.
20. All questions about committment should be put on
hold, until your SO wants to talk about it (which may be a while).
21. Never lose your cool.
22. Don't be overly enthusiiastic.
23. Do not argue about how he feels (it only makes their feelings stronger).
24. Be patient
25. Listen carefully to what your bf or gf is really saying to you.
26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out.
27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil).
28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly.
29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest
CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.
30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy.
31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your bf/gf.
32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your committment phobe will speak in absolute negatives because he is hurting and scared and maybe confused.
33. Do not backslide from your hardearned changes
34. In addition to number 17, you may back up that by verbalizing it. Let them know you're not gonna hang around forever. Say something that would be considered "foggy" to them...we know what fog is don't we? My own fog words used: "I am not sure what I am going to do..(him: what? so what are you going to do?") Me: I am going to think about this for a while. I am just not sure how this looks to me...as of now, it's like you're trying to see me and also see if you can find Ms. Right at same time, or see if she is me. I don't know what to do. I just don't. this "is what it is" and I need a margarita. Nope, can't have one with the girls until after I go for a run at the park. I have to go." Be equally "uncommitted" in your response to their inability to commit. If you do this properly, they will be asking the questions and tables will be turning...did for me.

Wow, Peachy... If that is what he said, I'll tell you this - I've been in your shoes (dating someone who was suddenly "torn" between me and an ex), and I will definitely vote for moving on. No contact, no nothing, just move on. Any, and I mean ANY, little bit of contact allows him to be a cake eater, watching two women compete for him - what an ego trip for him <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />.

Move on, Peachy, and don't look back. Ever. Now, I know that Devastatedwife will chime in and tell you that there is always a chance that he might come back and be "for real" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />, but I think in your case, this guy has demonstrated way too much of a weakness for the TW, and I don't think you could ever, EVER, sleep well at night being with him, knowing that there is a woman out there who can have so much power over him.

AGG

I side with Goodguy....

Peach, I like your revised 180!

Move on (you have to believe it in your heart) and IF and when J were to get wise to the OW OR better yet determine what inside him would cause him to want to be with the OW and her checquered past, bad habits, actions, etc instead of being with a confident, stable, consistent, beautiful, experienced MBer, and loving mother is something I would like to discuss with him. What is it that could be that difficult to resolve. It's like saying you have a Porsche 911 and a Chevy Cavalier next to one another and then saying "Well, I can;t really decide which one appeals to me more?". WHAT!

Hang in there lady!

Yea...but he has to walk across a LOOONG parking lot to get to the porsche. The Chevy Cavy is waiting just outside his front door.

That's the analogy. And why he's drivin' the chevy...darn it worries me.

Oh well. she's not really an ow. She's an OxGF. Other/old xgirlfriend. I think I just came up w/a new abbreviation!

ox guff..that's how to pronounce it.

Thank you for your words. And yea, I am gonna do the dating 180 and limited contact (only contact initiated b y him)...and we'll see.

heck, let's do an experiment. how long will it take for dating 180 to take effect? We have a few here who have had to limit dating contact for stupid reasons with their dating partners recently....

It will either work or not. I hope work.

I am just gonna lie low for a while. No dating much if I can help it.

But did get offer for dinner tomorrow night from D...the other other xbf. The financial guy. The one whom I bellyached a year ago over. The flip flopper. Now he wants according to vmail tonight, a "last try" and wants to "settle down"...heck I AM NOT READY FOR THAT! I AM NOT READY.

I have 3 now. 3 xbf's. Scary huh? Wow. I am moving on. REcovery is wierd. Divorce recovery is bizarre.

my girlfriends say go. I am saying duh. I dont know.

Duh! My brain on dating is fried....like the egg in the old 90s commercials. this is peach's brain (egg)...this is her egg when she thinks about dating (fried)!

time to go watch the end of shark week. I still want to see that darn giant squid show! the creepy scary giant squid!

oh well. vote...dinner with D or not? I am 100 PERCENT COMMITTED TO THE 180 AND THE NON COMMITTMENT THINGIE! No contact with the sorta Wxbf. He's gotta do the legwork here...walking across that proverbial parking lot and deciding the porsche is all he wanted it to be!

180 works most of time... yet somehow I cannot see it here with its full effect, if any...
'Clean break' (silence) IMO would be better... for he'd miss you (or not enough) and not having you (sometimes even a short conversation fulfills some needs...) might make him thinking what he's going to lose...
This way, getting his 180... he might think you were not so interested in him ('how could you, otherwise, move on so quickly?'), or that you desperately need a man/to be remarried, or that you are immature (look for a commitment, then if there is no, move on to 'the next one'), or... any things I cannot see to be beneficial to you...

Just MO, of course...

ps: I wouldn't underestimate a Chevy Cavalier compared to Porsche 911... you can be hurt in an accident either way, or be happy either way... it comes to the same (how you feel inside)...
...this is from my experience, of course...