I'm not sure what's compelling me to do this, but here goes...

I thought I would share the moment in my A where I hit absolute rock bottom. Maybe it will be helpful to lurking WS, I don't know. Mabye it will help me heal more, I'm not sure.

I confessed to H last September. The A was over, and I wasn't speaking to OM at the time. He was stalking me, however.

After D-day I stopped at one of OM's "stalking spots" and told him that H knew and to please leave me alone. At the time OM's father was dying of cancer, and he kept saying how much he "needed" me. While OM was following me around, OMW was taking care of OM's father by driving him to his doctor's appointments and cancer treatments. I felt sick about this, but OM did not, because I was his "soulmate" and he was going to do everything he could to win me back.

It was painful, but I told H about this incident.

Several weeks later, I was at my new job and I left the building at lunchtime to grab a coffee. I had only been working there a month and a half, and it was an hour away from where OM worked. As I pulled out of the drive-thru, OM was parked in the parking lot! He had been hiding near by and made himself visible only after he saw me. This time, I did NOT speak to him, just shook my head "no" and drove away (I realize now I shouldn't have done this.)

I got back to work and was absolutely hysterical. OM had never driven to the new town where I worked before... plus it was the middle of the day. I called H immediately, but he was not at his desk. I had to leave a message. I was sobbing and shaking, and I had a group of students in 5 minutes (I work in a school.) I decided to tell a new friend, who I trusted, about what happened.

Of course, I didn't tell her he was OM. I just started this job, and just met this co-worker. I told her he was an "old flame." That I didn't want to see or speak to him, and that he was stalking me. He was bad for my M, and could she please help me if I needed it. She hugged me and said she absolutely would.

About three weeks later, I read in the paper that OM's father died. Eventhough I didn't want anything more to do with him, I was devistated for OM. He adored his father, and I knew this was a huge blow for him. The wounds from the A were still fresh for me, and I felt very, very sad.

That day, I went out to get my afternoon coffee and the same thing happened... I pulled through the drive-thru and there was OM. He was crying. As soon as I saw him, I started crying. I pulled into the space next to him, left my keys and purse in my car, and got out to talk to him.

I stood at his door and told him how sorry I was about his dad. We started talking, and he asked if I could stay for a minute. I said only five minutes, and got in his truck with him.

I'm sorry if this is offending BSs right now. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

We started talking and talking, and soon I had been there for about twenty minutes. I was missing a group of my students, but I figured "oh well, I can make up the time" (I'm a speech therapist and I pull kids from their classrooms.) Soon, I had been there over an hour.

All of a sudden, a police car drives in and pulls next to my car. The officer gets out and starts looking inside of my vehicle. OM says, "I will handle this" and I said "no, I'll talk to him."

I get out of OMs truck, and as soon as the officer saw me, he said "young lady, follow me back to school RIGHT NOW." The policeman recognized me, although he didn't know me. I was absolutely terrified. I said goodbye to OM and told him not to worry, I made the choice to stay and talk to him (gak.)

It turns out when I didn't pick up my students, they got upset and asked their teacher where I was. She came looking for me and instead found my friend. My friend knew I had gone to get coffee, and she also knew that's where I saw OM several weeks ago. She and this other teacher had me paged in the building, and I of course didn't respond. My friend then called me on my cell phone several times, but I had left my purse in my car because I didn't think I was going to stay and talk to OM, and I especially didn't think I was going to get in his truck.

My friend thought OM had either kidnapped or harmed me in some way, so she and a group of co-workers drove to the coffee shop and saw my "abandoned" car. They did not see me next to it in the truck with OM, because he has tinted windows. I did not see my co-workers because I was so absorbed in OM.

They called the police.

Several counties were out looking for me. I was a kidnapping case. My friend had a picture of me, and she gave it to the police. My photo was sent out to over half of the state.

My friend called my H at work several times but there was no answer because he was in a workshop. So the police sent a squad car to inform him... at his job, in front of all of his co-workers... that I had been kidnapped by OM.

When I got back to school, I had to explain to the police and the principal what happened. I was honest about who OM was, and told them he was OM. I sobbed hysterically during the whole thing, and the police officer was very hard on me (rightfully so.)

The next day, I had to sign an incident report that said I was on probation and if anything like this happened again, I would automatically be fired. This was my first job as a professional speech/language pathologist, and I had just gone through three years of graduate school. I had only been on the job about two months.

Luckily for H, the police had found me on time and were able to cancel the squad car that was on it's way to H's place of work. H was absolutely livid, and rightfully so.

All of my new co-workers knew about what had happened, and it created quite an uproar in the school. To this day, I have not been able to fully recover from it. It ostrasized me quite a bit.

When I left school that day, it was 45 minutes after I had left OM's truck. OM did not stick around town, and did not try to contact me to see if I was okay or ask what happened. He just disappeared.

"Soulmates" indeed.


I guess I just wanted to share this cautionary tale with WSs who may be lurking at the moment.

END YOUR A NOW.

wow

that's a really important message

^^^^ bump up ^^^^

I love to see God work! His hand was all over you Katie!

KM

I have been reading some of your posts and I just want you to know what a great example you are to other WW's and FWW's. Thank you for helping people in dire need of help.

Also, you H is a man's man by accepting you back and taking steps daily to make your marriage something you both can be proud of and excel in.

I only hope someday my STBXW (and WW) gets it like you have and sees the OM for who he truly is and more importantly overcomes the demons inside of her that have led her to this point in her life, so that she can be a mother once again to our two children. I hope and pray.

Katie,

I'm glad you posted this....it illustrates better than lectures ever could how even giving in a little....can snowball and create an avalanche of awful consequences. Thank you for your honesty.

Katie - would you agree that the inevitable "consequences" was the motive force here? Without the already felt and looming consequences you may have continued?

I ask because I frequently postulate to BSs in their struggles that a WS needs to feel consequences to change their mindset.

WAT

KM, that is quite a friend you have. Cherish her.

You are an amazing example.

In the title of your post and throughout your description you emphasize the shame you feel.

I hope you also see, in this story, how IMPORTANT you are, and how much support you have around you.

Thanks for posting this Katie.

Quote:

"I love to see God work! His hand was all over you Katie!"

Mortaman... I absolutely agree. I knew God was sending me a very loud and clear message... it wasn't the first time, but it was definately the loudest. I am so thankful He is in my life.

Hopeandpray... I hope so, too... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

WAT... I don't know for sure... the kicker here was the death of OM's father... otherwise, I'm certain I never would have spoken to him.

However, who knows what would have happened if the police never came. Would I have continued? I don't know. As I sat in the car with him, I kept thinking how sad and lost he was... he was saying things like, "I'm so glad that my dad knows about us now" (that he's up in heaven and "knows!") <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> I told him this was absolutely sick. I had zero intrest in resuming a relationship, but might I have kept occassional contact out of pity, to "check up on him," if the police hadn't come? I don't know. I was an addict(and still am, albeit recovering.)

I absolutely agree, however, that consequences are a huge motivating factor. As soon as my H set boudaries, I sat right up at attention. When I knew he meant business, it was hugely motivating for me. I absolutely did not want to lose him.

Starfish and TL... thank you so much for your kind words.

KM

Thank you, 090886...

I do carry tremendous shame, but am working on it. It really helps to post here... I've grown so much because of MB.

Posters here really do God's work.

Remember Katie...God no longer sees what you did. You have been forgiven.

And if He has forgiven you, then you have no right to not forgive yourself.

See yourself as He sees you!!

Hello KM...

reading this post this morning, and I must say "yes yes" as well. As a FWW myself, I "heard" signals before too..but never got the message until my husband spoke clearly and loudly. As the every wise WAT says about consequences being a jolt that begins to make you see differently. It is a slow process, and a very difficult one, but turning the WS's mindset is something that needs to be done, but this must be done gently, as we WS do not like to be told what to do, or what to think, at least until we are ready to admit these things to ourself!

And even though my FOM is not the "stalker" type, what you illustrate is practical to any FWS situation, in that we need to always be "on guard" for those temptations, and the lure of the addiciton. That we must "listen" and think so that we do not give in!...

Katie,

Thanks for the courage to show everyone what took you to the bottom. I know this strength will be needed as you try to repair your M.

BTW my STBXW is an SLP

I would love to know how the fantasy WW hit bottom, mine is in that fantasy now and the OM is feeding her from a distance. We are getting ready to move out of our house and into separate housing and will split the kids every other week, she was talking to her mom a few days ago and was doing a budget... 1st she didn't have a lot of things on the budget that are part of normal expense, 2nd she always talked about her gross income not net, so she doesn't calculate taxes. So she has consequences coming up when she moves out, but I just would like to know how to know when they hit bottom? What can cause that her to hit bottom? Also how as a BS to react when she hits bottom

Katie, I hope this doesn't come off sounding negative because the bottom line is it is good you have chosen to stop your affair.

3 of the 11 years of your marriage you were living a lie and having an affair with this married man.

Could it be that the excitment was wearing off and it just wasn't FUN anymore so you wanted to stop meeting him, you wanted out?

What if someone would have discovered your affair and told your husband about halfway through? (Or if one of your friends that you had confided in, decided they should inform your husband and let him have a say in his life?)

Would you have been able to have stopped the affair immediately or would you have wanted to continue as you did.

Or would it have put you into a big withdrawal if you had had to make the 'choice' before you were ready to make that choice?

It seems to make a big difference in the FWS, if they had come to the decision, over time, to stop the affair versus 'getting caught'.

Katie, just wondered what you thought about this?

I hope my questions were not offensive to you because that
certainly was not my intent. I am just trying to understand all this, how and why people get into affairs and how and why they got out.

aka: It won't rain always

Summer,

EXCELLENT point. I have been spouting the same for a while. The F (former)WS has a MUCH better chance of returning to the M if he/she comes back having exhausted their A and indeed having it implode of it's own pathological forces. Any interruption in this WS " journey" often leads to false recoveries.

Katie...

You are a Priceless GEM!!! I'm glad that you shared this...You earn my respect even more with each post that you make here!!! Thank you for being you!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Mrs. W

Summer,

I was not offended by your post. In fact, it's something I've thought about myself.

I'm sure if H had discovered my A within the first year, I would have very much been like a lot of the WWs described by BSs here. I would have LB'd, screamed, moved out or threatened to move out, etc. I would have made promises to H, and then lied up the ying-yang. I would have been a horrible nightmare. I was fogged beyond belief. In fact, I said many awful things to H the first year of the A (the whole "I love you but am not in love with you" "you're too much like a family member to me," and all of the other horrible garbage that WSs say.)

I tried to end the A on dozens of occassions, but it wasn't because I was bored with it or because it wasn't "exciting" anymore (it never was, at least for me.) I was tired of living a lie. It wasn't because I lost feelings for OM... that didn't happen, even when I started seeing more and more who he really was... I had a hard time leaving the A because I was addicted and I continued to be wrapped up in him emotionally. I initiated the first break-up within six months of the A.

I obviously was still emotionally attached to OM after D-day and hearing that his father died had an impact on me. I shouldn't have cared, but I did. As I was sitting there talking to OM... and risking again my M and also my new job... I thought, "what am I doing here? What is wrong with me? I don't want to be near this person," but I sat there next to him anyway.

The further I stayed away from OM the more I de-fogged and could see things for the way they really were... but then there'd be contact, and I'd fog right back up again... for a long time I felt that I really loved OM... now I know I was just sick and addicted, and I feel nothing for him anymore.

Cymanca,

I remember your somewhat recent incident with your W taking money from you... she almost lost her license... to me, that was another example of a WW hitting rock bottom. It was very upsetting for me reading your posts, and seeing the path your STBXW was going down. I was absolutely shocked she wouldn't sign that agreement.

VikingRuler, that being said, some WSs can hit bottom and there is no turning back. Some WSs learn, others never do (unless it's too late.) After this incident, my H made it very clear to me that if something like that happened again, he would leave me. It was the first time he said those words, and that's a part of what helped keep me on the "straight and narrow". He also continued Plan A, and I felt supported in my recovery with him.

Mrs. W... thank you. Telling OMW and apologizing to her really did something for me. You're message brightened my day... I have a great deal of respect for you. Thank YOU.

KM

Thank you for posting that story Katie.

I'm sure it was probably hard for you to remember these painful details, but you are a great example to all of us of growing and learning from your mistakes. I think it takes a lot of courage to be able to make the changes you are making, and being able to help other's at the same time is a great gift. Not everyone has the courage to step up and try to change their lives, and make them better. You are an inspiration.

Take Care,

KM,

What a story. I hope my WW reads it.

Thank you for posting this story.