Post deleted by nay-nay

nay nay.....I'm sorry but I'm still a bit confused. Are you asking if you should expose to your own OP's spouse....or the spouse who is being betrayed in this current scenario?

Why would POJA remaining silent in either case? POJA's aren't written in stone....renegotiate....convince your husband it's the most compassionate thing to do....because it sure is!!

Star*fish, see above, I have revised posting. I feel telling the OP's spouse is the humane thing to do, but FWH will never agree to my doing so. As far as he and I go (and his LTA) it is agreed I can tell whom ever I please about HIS LTA. Though I have never told anyone associated with his work, but would do so if I ever found evidence of RC.

You say you "know" how your husband would feel. That's not a POJA chere...that's an assumption...yanno? Talk to him....let him know why this is close to your heart. Give him a chance to think about it.

star*fish, I could talk to him about it and tell him what is in my heart. He might grudgingly agree, but it wouldn't be in the spirit of the POJA. Also, I have done this once before, about 20 years ago...telling someone their SO was cheating and went terribly. It was a a good friend of my husband's and I told the GF what was going on. She didn't believe it and it went awfully. My husband's friend didn't talk to me for a LONG time.

When I told him a few weeks ago the OP's Spouse should know, he reminded me of my telling 20 years ago and how poorly it went!

I wish I had known.

I would not have cared who had told me.

The way I found out was shocking, devastating, and lonely.

Tell your husband that caring people do caring things. The caring thing is to lovingly notify the spouse.

Send her a card. Include the MB website information on it. Keep it simple, and tell her that we are here waiting for her.

SB

Does this company have an ethics department?

Your H may be ethically required to inform them of this. Many companies expect all employees to report unethical behaviour. Mine requires employees sign a form to this effect based on one the Naval Academy uses. Anyone knowing of unethical conduct who does not report it will be treated the same as the original perpetrators.

It could blow up into lawsuits, you know. The company lawyers will want to know, even if OP's spouse doesn't.

And I am still a bit confused as to who is who in the above. Do you have a program?

ED: It's curious that high ranking execs in companies large and small tend to think ethics is mostly for employees, rarely for them.

schoolbus: Yes, I am so with you. That's exactly what I was thinking, putting it in a card, just the facts, and telling her that there are people to turn to like MB and their books.

Aphelion - I am only seeking help on whether I should tell the OP's spouse. I'm sorry if you found the story confusing. I am trying to keep some things confidential and it is not a "company."

MBers: I value your opinion and I am still looking for help with this issue. If you can just address my question as to what YOU think I should do, as far as anonymously telling the OP's spouse.

OK, short answer - POJA with your H to tell her. She deserves the truth. She deserves to not feel insane about the state of her M.

She deserves the respect.

She deserves the chance to work on her M. She deserves, she owns, the choice.


But remember, there are not many FWS who automatically find it easy to agree with exposure of any kind to anyone. It's sort of the A+ of FWS final exams to concur with exposure to someone's BS.


ED: I sure wish someone, anyone, had told me! Several of FWW's and OM's coworkers knew about the VLTA. The bast**s knew for years. And they looked me in the eye for all those years.

ugh.

I'm going to clean the cat's litter box now. I'm finally in the mood for it.

IMHO: Keep with POJA - to me POJA within your own relationship over rules your feeling of rescue.

You should be able to express your feelings and also a plan of how to expose but don't go outside of POJA.

IMHO, the best thing is for an agreed way to let her know about the A. If your H is seeing signs, you bet his office does also.

As a superior, I would explore how this is affecting the moral of the company. Work from the moral angle and get HR involved.

That could keep both of you out of the pix to expose to the W. If that doesn't work, go to a 2nd plan. You may want to call Steve about this one. He may have other options we haven't discussed yet.

Don't cause fear to keep you from exposing the A. Your part of the exposure c/b giving your H the support he needs to move this exposure forward. His part maybe to make sure the moral of the company is not in jeporady as a result of the A. That in turn may bring enough pressure to expose the A to his W or make the WS expose himself. Ha....that's funny....a WS expose himself. But it happens...sometimes. See there are other options to consider.

take care,
L.

Thank you to everyone who took the time to answer my query. I have deleted the original post.

I think that I will talk to FWH. I doubt he will agree to my telling the OP's spouse, if so I am going to let the matter go. While I believe that OP's spouse deserves to know, I won't do it at the expense of my own M.