HurtingLess

if your wife is an alcoholic who is NOT in recovery ... POJA is a huge pain in the butt ... and pretty close to impossible

adjustment are required if she's not in ETOH recovery

Pep

Oh PEP,

Sorry she is in AA right now.

But thank you for pointing that out as well because she started AA 1.1.06

Forgot that part about POJA.

Still no POJA though.

LOL. She does bring it up though when she disagrees with me.

I thought we would discuss everything as a couple. Darn using my own words against me.

But I am willing to do it hoping she jumps on board one day and makes it recipricol.

I tend to think POJA is about compromise. Its just not about sacrifice. Sacrifice means you give up something you value for nothing. Compromise means you give of something you value for something you value equally or more.

I agree that if someone just won't POJA or has a win/lose attitude it is very hard to deal with.

But, IMVHO, most people that struggle accepting POJA have three characteristics. First, scarcity of what they value. Second, disregard of time/multiple rounds of negotiations. Third a win attitude, in as much as they don't care if its win/win or win/lose, as long as they win.

My recomendations in short are,

become very familiar with everything the other party and you value
expand the scope of all negotiations (if the discussion is on couch color and you can't agree, expand the talk into the new power tool you wanted to get)

These first two are important. You need to know what you want and what the other party wants. Then you need to keep adding these things on the table until you both get a set items that allows you both to enthusiastically agree.

Win dealing with Win/___ atttitude, leverage multiple rounds of POJA. Start POJA'ing everything big and small. Early on, never accept the other party's original proposal, always counter. But the counter is important. Counter with something more than the other party orginally wanted, but you still feel it is of unequal value. Make it easy for the other party to agree to the counter offer. Then make it clear that you have negotiated a win/win agreement. Overtime, they will see it is in their best interest to seek a win/win agreement. Then through successive rounds, make your counters more and more equal. Although you appear to be giving up something in the begining, its not a sacrifice, what you are getting in return is the development of the habit to seek win/win solutions.

Just my two cents.

HL,



Now, now, I didn't say that! LOL It is always possible, under the right conditions. Your wife is an addict, that is not "the right conditions", unfortunately. If she's an addict, there is NO part of recovery she is capable of, not until she is recovered from her addiction.

All my best to you in your journey,

HN

HN,

Just want to clarify she is sober.

I know that doesn't mean she is recovered.

But yes She was an addict when this was happening. LOL.

I like how you added, the under the right conditions, disclaimer. Very slick on your part.

TY my Journey seems to be on the right path now a days.