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I am 33 and a high school band director. My wife is 30. We have been married for 6 years. We have two boys, ages 4 and 2. We have been through some rough times. Currently, we live in my mother-in-law's house and all four of us are crammed into one bedroom. My wife and I have no privacy, which just adds to our problem.

Over the course of six years of marriage, we have discovered that we have very different ways of communicating and showing affection. When we were dating, we were very intimate. After marriage, I supported her emotionally as best I could, but I was focused on my job, which caused me great stress and anxiety.

When our first child arrived, I was resentful of how much time and attention the baby took. We were living in a small rural town away from my wife's comfort zone, and she relied on me to be her only social outlet, a duty I couldn't possibly fulfill with the pressures on me.

Over the course of the six years of marriage, I was basically oblivious to her pain. She tried to tell me, but mostly hid her true feelings from me. She was giving and I was taking, without me really being consious of it.

Two years ago, I left my stressful job and we moved back to her home outside of Philadelphia. She hoped for a change for the better. Things did not improve, and our financial situation kept us trapped in her mother's home.

Last December, I finally woke up and realized how unhappy she was. I opened up to her in January, and since then she no longer hides how she feels. Unfortunately, she has lost all intimate feelings for me and has gone all the way to the Withdrawn state of marriage described in the basic concepts.

My personality is to talk things out. Hers is to say as little as possible. I am very affectionate, she is very guarded. Right now, she is emotionally drained, and wants distance. I'm giving it to her, but it's hard.

I'm looking for anyone out there who can relate to this story and would like to be mutually supportive on a regular basis ********edit**********please send me a message or contact me through this forum.

Welcome, Tom, to MarriageBuilders...

I don't do IM's...or emails to men (opposite sex)...you might find this as a deterrent considering your request...you're the first I've seen asking this, btw.

I believe you will find MBers to be helpful, to post and read and reply...to share their experiences, say what worked for them...and many have been in your shoes. You're not alone.

Have you read the rules of marriage? Love Bank? Emotional Needs (ENs) and Love Busters (LBs) and completed the questionnaires? In the three states of marriage, you say your wife is in Withdrawal...which one are you in?

What are her ENs? Yours? Your LBs? (present)...if you've been concerned, eliminating your LBs and meeting her ENs since January and she remains in Withdrawal, have you considered she might be in an affair? I don't know and do not presume, but persistent Withdrawal indicates a lot of resentment, entitlement and lack of respect...which is how humans go wayward...

Maybe just a wayward state of mind, not an affair...great to check out and snoop to know, though...asking won't get your answer.

Does she have any male friends on AIM, in person, or through email that she corresponds with or calls a lot?

Love can be rekindled...what I experienced was removing my LBs and becoming safe to be shared with, to see what how I reacted and chose to act, instead; my biggest LB was Disrespectful Judgments...DJs...though Angry Outbursts (AOs) were much louder.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

One LB withdraws about 20 love deposits...you might be really attempting to meet her ENs and then running in place with the withdrawals...

What about marital counseling (MC) or individual counseling (IC)?

We're here for you.

LA