I've had it. I'm so tired of all of this. I have lost my home, my dreams, my goals, my house, my family to addictions. Even though we moved clear across the country, the OW and the phone calling won't stop and it has hurt us so badly emotionally and financially. I can't work from all the trauma I have experienced over this past year so we had to sell the house. He just flat out refuses to give up contact. She told him not to call anymore and so he tells me it is over and I say oh well that makes me feel good. I've begged and begged for months and tried to impliment plan B but now that she calls it off I'm some consolation prize? I don't think it will last and nope it didn't caught him at it phoning her a week later. Got accused of being some sneaky spy as I read his phone records online. I need to know the truth. He says the truth is we are separated. He's sorry for hurting me but he just doesn't want to do the work to rebuild the trust or any of it. He knows what has to be done and he just refuses to work with me on any of the issues, refuses to talk to me and find the truth in what I say even though I find the truth in what he says. I want to make amends as it is part of my 12 steps but he is still an active addict and active addicts are incapable of true intimacy. I go around and around with these terrible discrepencies between his words and his actions. I feel so stupid.

I have been so abused by his alcoholism and verbal/emotional abuse I went back to drinking. I've been clean and sober now for over 90 days but had to leave that awful town he lives in with his family that are all active addicts. So here I am 1.5 hrs away just moved out of the transition house but finally let him see the kids as he was trying to make an effort to get clean and sober.

He just lies and lies though. The kids tell me he is drinking and his new friend Sarah is so nice. I cried and cried this morning. He says they are just friends and I'm like yup well that is how it starts. I want a divorce now before you have another affair on me. I just can't take anymore of this. I'm not strong enough to save my marriage. I'm so weak now I can't even save myself. I cried and cried because of course I don't want a divorce but he just flat out refuses to change. He will not go to AA, go into recovery, make amends for the hurt and pain and lost dreams and goals. It is all gone. I have nothing.

I am giving him the kids. I have to totally give them up as he wants them in his life so badly and he just will never stop abusing me. They say you should not be involved in any other relationship your first year of AA. I can see why. I almost went drinking today just to give me courage to hasten my death.

I need to get right into Plan B for a good long time. Completely disappear before I do seriously kill myself. I cry and cry everyday and think about nothing but killing myself. I don't want to take care of myself anymore much less my children. I've gone to all the Dr.s, all the counselors, mental health, the exercise, the vitamins, the hot baths, the readings, the self help etc. etc. nothing works. My higher power has forsaken me. He does not work through me 24hrs a day. I have not felt a good connection in so long. I hate being a stupid codependant.

I am just going to plain refuse to do the lets share the kids, meet the new girlfriend, fight over different parenting ******. I just refuse to do it. I did not have two children to be completely alone, making three meals a day, doing laundry, being miserable and suicidal and he being the hero every other weekend. I'm just plain opting out of that life. I'm not stable enough. I give up. Well of course I'd rather not be such a drama queen. This is my cry for help though. I am seriously depressed. I just started a new pill today, some prozac serotonin inhibitor. Hope it helps as being an alcoholic my system is so sensitive I can barely stand anything chemical. I'm almost ready to go back to pot but I know that will just lead me right back to even worse depression and eventually drinking.

I know the pills are a crutch but better try it all before I slit my wrists. Any kind words for a seriously depressed codependant? got all the books, done all the reading, it is just me doing all the work though. Has been for 9 months now. D-day was Dec. 1st. He has known her for 8 years. Been best friends with her for 3. Affair had just started around october or so. He chased her all summer and was right addicted in love. She's a pro. Lots of fun, drinking, drugs, parting spontaneous wiggling girl. She is a total mess though. I would never, ever have allowed her anywhere near my children. He moved in with her for 10 days Jan. 1st. I pulled the trump card and said I'm moving with the kids. He decides he will break it off and come with us. He drinks and drugs crazy and and starts it up again secretly with her. I'm so stupid because I believed him when he said it was over and she also said not back and forth. So I'm thinking oh yhea they know what they are doing is wrong and hurful and nobody is ever going to win from this. Silly stupid me! We leave mid Feb but he leaves the next day and is with her sexually the very night he leaves!

Then the bloody secret cell phoning starts 6, 7 times a day! I have to dig up the truth yet again. He doesn't love me and if it wasn't for the kids it would have been so over between us. I get the he is totally in love with her still and I am the evil person that has ruined their relationship. She's a stupid coke ****** party girl and he is stupid stupid man but he is my man! my husband! and I want him! I knew if I stayed in that town I would end up doing something that would put me in jail.

I always told my husband never to have an affair. I just forgot to tack on the rest of my though as I am a fatal attraction wife and if I owned a gun she and I would both be dead or I would be in jail for being a bad shot. Don't get me wrong I am a good kind person. I didn't have these thoughts right away. I did a great Plan A and my Plan B got him back in the house and moving across the country but now I am just losing my mind. I am so desperately alone. I created this situation to get away from my family as they are all active addicts and have contributed majorally to the unhappiness of our marriage. Our marriage has not been that great because of both of us being raised by alcoholics and being so ourselves we have poor boundaries etc. etc.

So his family said they would help watch the kids while we worked on the issues but it was all lies! I didn't know his family were also all active addicts! I knew his Dad was an alcoholic but had no idea his mom had a drinking problem. Terribly verbally abusive, sarcasm etc. I went from the frying pan into the fire! They all live in denial and I know it isn't my place to judge anothers path but I can't do this alone anymore.

The family, the alcoholism, the pot, the parties and the OW(s?) it is all just too much. I am getting so bitter and I pray and pray for serenity as I don't want to be bitter but I just can't take anymore of this life. I need it to end. I just can't stand years and years of this oh Please God Please let it end! I'm off to my AA meeting. It is my only blip of sanity in an otherwise terribly long day. Hope I can find some inspiration to keep hanging in there just one day at a time. Only a few more hours left in this one. What a way to survive though. I hate it. I hate my life.

Hi BraveHeart,

Please know that no matter how bad it is right now, you will make it thru this. I've been thru h3ll and back and I know hundreds of stories here that have done the same and are now living peaceful happy lives.

You can and you will be alright. Hang on and continue to pray and do the right things. This will end, I promise.

God Bless,
Jo

If you are unable to care for your children, I urge you to put them in some foster care. Please don't leave them with him, the OW, and alcohol and drugs.

Soundds to me like you need to check into a hospital for a few days, until you are feeling stronger. Prayers to you.

totally agree with believer:

get the kids in foster care or legally placed with a "safe" relative, if there is one. tell them what you've told us.

as soon as you get the kids in a safe place, you need to get yourself into a safe place. call 911 or the suicide hotline and get someone to support you.

know that you WILL get thru this, if you can get past the first part. the meds will help you feel better, or if those don't help, there are plenty more meds to try.

you can't work on a marriage when there is an active addiction...you already know this. give your energy to working on YOU and the KIDS.

forget about OW and WH. they are not worthy of your concern at this point. yes, they both need serious help, but it is not your job to help or enable either one of them.

now, log off this computer, and get to work....first, the children, then yourself. if you can't handle working on getting the kids to a safe place, call 911 and explain your situation. if you have a mental health counselor, try to reach her RIGHT NOW. she can help you thru this process, and act as YOUR advocate.

The Braveheart,
Right now you need to calm down.

Can you soberly leave w/the kids to family or a friends home?

Yes?

Go!

Tomorrow will allow you time to think it through.
How long has this been going on ?

Stop the cycle.

It starts with you.

Keep on any pill for now that keeps you intact w/ your kids.... after that.... get help... get off the merry-go-round. Get straight, straight away from the man who claims he's your h.

A H won't put you through such ******. Allow him time to get clean.

If he doesn't, leave. Take your babies cuz they need a stable person in life. that is you!

Praying and pulling for you. I've seen you around for years....

Debi

Welcome back, TBH,

I missed you.

"It is all gone. I have nothing."

I believe you are now at the point where you have everything before you...in you. It takes what it takes to get where you can really change, and I believe, you're there.

Your focus has been consumed in him...controlling what you cannot control...and going to Al-Anon meetings, as we talked about before, may have been too tough for you then...is it now?

You have you, brave woman. You always have. Your thirst to remove yourself from our living planet is the real cry from your self for you to stop beating what is innocent, beautiflly made and complete. You have everything you ever needed in this life right inside of you...you're not defective or abandoned. You have chosen to believe that of yourself for too long.

You have choice. Your choices matter. You matter. You always did and that won't end. You are valuable and whole. Seeing yourself in this way, this reality, is where your true strength will come from. God made you whole. You are equal to me, to everyone here, every other human on the planet. Change your beliefs and choose this one. It's true and real.

Stay here, center yourself, listen to your own heart...know your pain is your own--so is your joy, anger, frustration, hope and sorrow...all yours, all valid. No proof required. Yours.

You weren't forgotten, nor can you be. Know this about yourself. You don't earn love and security--you are love...and security.

You are not alone. You have self and you have humans...and yes, God...because the creator stays with us...always...whether we can feel him or not. You can feel him right now, can't you? These posters caring for and hearing your voice? Responding? For you, TBH...for you.

That's God through us...I promise. You're not alone.

LA

Oh my AA meeting was great. I feel better. The OW is far far away so that is good. Just a hot cell phone affair. Bloody pathetic. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

My husband has had the children for the past week and they have been having a wonderful time..well..so they claim. I had them for 43 days straight and I'm just not a very good care giver. We had some role reversals going on. I made the money he took care of the house and dinners as he was a chef. I'm bad at cooking. I burn water. lol

I did breakfast and lunch while he was coming off his hangovers. We are both alcoholics though I've been dry for almost 10 years. I need treatment though about so many things it is just overwhelming. His alcoholism is very light right now as he just tried to quit for 2 weeks but of course it will get progressively worse and worse again as it is the nature of the beast. Everyone in that small town knows what is going on though as I made sure I told key people to keep an eye out. Like the cops! I hope they catch him drinking and driving as that will really put a crimp in his parties.

He doesn't do too badly when given the responsibility of the children. I have had to train him really well which is a huge complaint of him toward me. I'm totally controlling/dominating but also majorally codependant as I depend on him for a lot with the kids. I just don't want to do it all alone (work and kids-I tried and failed) and he just doesn't want to stop the addictions/abuse so we are at an impass. Oh well I'm off to sleep on it. Thanks for your kind words, it was very helpful to know people care. Good night. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

ps- he is not here, we are separated, he's 1.5 hrs away, living at his moms/dads. I couldn't stand the abuse had to leave. went to a transition house with the kids. Did okay there but now am out on my own just went through an awful move. Hate moving. My life is in boxes.

Thanks for your kind words glad to be back and have internet access again. Missed you guys. I'm okay in Alanon just making notes this morning on Divorce and melanie Beattie letting go. own your own stuff I know. I'm just so tired. I feel like I need to hit some new bottom. I'm thrashing. Glad to be back as this is a good place to thrash. lol love you all. night <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Your post brought up some old feelings. I recall the days when I wanted to give it all up. Even did the walk on the beach, took off all my jewelry and watch, put my valuables next to them and started marching to the ocean. I knew once I went deep enough the current would sweep me out and I couldn't come back even if I wanted to. This was right after an MC session and a big blow out with the WS in the car.

As I walked out on the cold cold ocean (northern calif doesn't have nice beaches like Hawaii - <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> ), I said my prayers to God and started walking. The WS was in the car driving by the beaches looking for me. There was a family about 300 yards away, playing and laughing. I heard them as they came closer. I wanted sooo much for the pain to go away. With them there and the haunting thoughts of what my son would have to endure along with my disrespect for life and God by wanting to end my pain.....made me think. But it also made me mad. I couldn't even end my pain that way. I had to go back and find another way to end my pain. A safe and legal way. The WS was in a panic at this time. I didn't care. In that short time I was able to refocus and move forward. I never looked back. I was still quite angry and told the Ws not to speak to me the rest of the way home. The WS was now late for one of his appointments and this time I did not care. I told him to call his job appointment and tell them why. Of course he wouldn't do such a thing and risk looking bad.

I went home and started the D process. I focused hard, met with the lawyer, ordered my paperwork, read up on my rights and got prepared. From that point on it was strength to the BS and down with the WS.

So I do understand your pain. Let it help you move forward. There are other ways of ending the pain. Other safe and legal ways.

Let us know when you are ready to explore them.

take care,
L.

BraveHeart,

I hope you're feeling better. I'm sending you thoughts and prayers for strength and direction to get you thru this very terrible time.

Love,
Jo

Braveheart,

Here are some online resources and 800 numbers for helping people who are suicidal. Call them. You need help. It is okay to ask them for help. They will help you get local help as well.

Hopeline

Phone # 1-800-SUICIDE or 1-800-784-2433

suicide hotline

web page

suicide prevention

web page
web page

web page

Online support groups
web page

web page

web page

web page

web page

web page

If you feel you need additional resources do NOT hesitate. I am willing to look up as many resources as you need. I am the survivor of a suicide of someone I cared about. I have also felt suicidal before. Get help now. You are worth it. No matter what you think this is NOT the answer. You have beautiful children that need a mother. No matter what mistakes you think you have made in the past or you might still be making all of them are fixable. You cannot fix anything if you aren't here. It takes courage. Take a breath. Call the number as many times as you need to. That is what they are there for.

There is no shame in admitting you need help.

Please remain strong...get in IC and see a good doc and get on some AD's.

I remember like Orchid, too when I actually thought of ending it. I had just miscarried. My xh was in the throes of an entangled and horrid affair...he was lying, emotionally abusive (as all cheaters are if we are honest) and brought me down to my lowest level in my entire life. He threatened to take away my child, even though I was an incredible sahm. I had no monies other than OUR monies and was otherwise penniless.

I believed I was to be thrown into the street with my child. I was frightened living in a city seven hours away from my best friend and family. I was a stranger in a strange land with the person i thought I knew to be my protector instead turning into my tormenter.

I remember crying hysterically after putting my ds to sleep...I remember laying on the staircase...crying and crying and actually wished I were no more. I asked God to take this from me as I can't do this anymore. I heard a quiet voice. It was He. My Lord whispered to me, "It's not about YOU...It is about your son. You are going to do this...he needs you." And I realized that the precious child sleeping in his little bed upstairs was why I had to at that time persevere. My EN's were so far gone at that time...I didn't know what an EN was...I felt I had none.

I felt robbed of my life...everything. But let me tell you...you will learn to live...to regain your life...and living with an abusive WS who is not repenting is NO WAY TO LIVE MY FRIEND...

Learn to embrace the calm...the peace. Sure life is different and change is painful...but not as painful as we make it out to be. In fact, in many ways my life is much better now. No more emotional abuse. No more watching behind my back. I have a great relationship w/my son and I am actually...ahem...dating...although taking a break right now.

You will make it! We will encourage you. We will push you to go on even if you don't feel like it.

May God bless you and grant you peace in this difficult time my friend.

Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday & it is better than you thought it would be.

Dear Girl, I believe everyone of us at some stage in our lives have reached the pit you find your self in emotionally.

Life is difficult when we are hurt by other peoples choices.
It won't always be this way.

You have complete control already.

You are in control of you.

Consider where you are in your pain right now as a process of growth.

Because that is truly what it is.

It is like being in labour, you go through it & you survive, because you know after the pain comes the wonderful new life you created.

Girl you have this within your grasp.

You are in the throes of giving birth to a NEW YOU.

You are a GOOD WOMAN,
A GREAT WOMAN,
YOU ARE WORTHY OF LOVE,
YOU ARE VERY LOVABLE,
YOU ARE A UNIQUE & WONDERFUL AS YOU ARE,
YOU ARE YOU A WOMAN WHO IS CAPABLE OF DOING A GREAT MANY GOOD THINGS,
YOU ARE A MOTHER AN IRREPLACEABLE POSITION TO YOUR CHILDREN,
WHO NEED YOU,
DEPEND ON YOU,
LOOK UP TO YOU,
LEARN & COPY YOU,
LOVE YOU & WANT YOUR APPROVAL.

BraveHeart I do understand fears, what I would like you to consider is the transient nature of feelings.

Feelings come & go.
Feelings have no morals, they are neither right nor wrong, we just feel them as they are.
We all have feelings we would like not to have.
I suggest writing them on a piece of paper.
Listen to your favourite music.
Put your feelings into words.
Then burn those words away.
As the paper burns, take deep breathes & clean out your insides too.
Use the ashes in your garden so your grief will help something else to grow.
Later if these feelings come back, you can always burn them again. You may need several little fires to purge them, especially if you've been carrying them around for a long time.


Forgive yourself, no one is perfect.
Cry as you flood your memories, but don't punish yourself.

Now think of the wonderful New Happy Memories you are going to create in the future for you & your children.
Get your pen & paper.
& Write down things you would like to do with your children.
Write down what you would like to do for Yourself in your future.
This list you keep.
This list you add to.
How would you like the children to celebrate important events?
What places would you like to visit?
What movie have you been longing to see?
When is your next hairdresser appointment for? Make one!
Have you painted your nails?
Make a list of what you do that when you are doing it YOU feel good doing it.
Climb mount Everest?
Go on a roller coaster?
Bake some bread?
Put on freshly laundered clothes?
Brush your hair.

This is a list of things you would like to enjoy doing it is also things that may become real for you.

Thoughts are different.
Thoughts are made by us, we manufacture what we chose to think.

When we do not nuture ourselves with food & ample sleep, our emotions can overpower our thoughts.

Our Actions, are determined by Our Thoughts.

Change your Thoughts & your Heart will Follow.

You are Love, Love Yourself.

Have Courage BraveHeart, you have shown such great intelligence, heroism & responsiblilty in handling yourself in your past.

Now the current is not so great.
Let me reassure you, by your choice to get healthy you & your children can be comfortable & confident in the future.

Love yourself as you are today, & value yourself as you are now, & will be tomorrow, next week, next year, 5, 10 years.

Saying a prayer for you, hon.

Thanks everyone. My WS is coming up to see me now. I told him my feelings yesterday and of course he is concerned. I did not tell him to control him but of course it looks like that as that is how alcoholics operate. I really just don't care anymore. I don't really want to get better. I'm on the 3rd day of taking prozac and I feel like a complete loser. I lost my home, my goals, my dreams to a stupid coke ******. I told her two years ago to stay away from my husband to get her own man that he was my man. I can't even muster up any anger anymore. I love my husband and now I just feel like a burn out husk. The only time I feel a bit of sanity is in my meetings. I will go everyday as I don't want to seem like a quiter to my kids. It is hard to explain to them though why I just don't want to do any of this anymore. My little girl sometimes comes out with I hate my life, I wish I were dead. I know how she feels what a stupid way to live your life. It is like I am already dead and just going through the motions.

He wanted to have sex with me yesterday. I said I don't think so. I hope I can fend him off again today as I know it would be nice to get those rush of hormones but then of course I'll just feel totally used later on and hate myself even more. The self-hatred is huge. I feel like I am going to relapse. I just want to shut my mind up for a little while. A bit bottle of something will help drown my sorrows but of course I know tomorrow they will just be there a million times worse as I have to pull myself out of the alcoholic depression. Well he will be here soon. Wish I could put a good Plan A on for him but it will probably be just me wallowing in self-pity and fending his advances off. Fun fun. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

TBH,

Why are you seeing him at all? What plan are you in for your life? You can't follow MB stuff with the addictions...yours and his...getting full in control of yours is your top priority, isn't it?

Stop seeing him...no contact...if you're leaving the kids with him, then get yourself to a place of not drinking, meetings daily, posting daily, and get real clarity to your life.

You are fully in control of yourself...no one else can be...only you...you know each day you do not choose to drink is another day toward clarity, understanding and knowing thoroughly your own power.

Do not choose to do anything to be abusive to self...your self didn't do a THING...why hate what is whole and complete?

Stop treating yourself as defective...because you aren't.

We've been through all this...I won't repeat. I know you can look up and re-sync your marvelous self...know and act not from fear but love.

You've done it before.

Immerse yourself in rehab...find a safe place to live and have no contact with WH except through an intermediary. Write loving letters to your children...call them...and keep to being open and honest with yourself.

You can do this. There isn't a thing wrong with YOU...definitely stuff you're doing wrong.

Know that difference and live it, TBH...do two meetings a day for self-love...AA and Al-Anon...you're worth it.

LA

He was trying to be caring. He was trying to be there for me. That is why I love him so much. He is also not a bad person. He just is living in the fog. There are some beams of light that get through once and awhile but you are right LA and I am trying to go through the right motions.

I did wallow in the self pity and I didn't have sex so my thoughts created my universe. I try to turn my thoughts to better things and I actually got an inspiration from my higher power. To keep it simple. I have tried to do all these things to SURVIVE the affair. SURVIVE means to live to me. I cannot live when he has contact with her. It is killing me. I am not stable enough to SURVIVE this affair unless no contact is initiated.

I write such long letters and send mssgs to both him and her. I know it is useless and I should go no contact but I keep hoping something will get through their addictive fog. Like look what we have done. Moved all across the country to get away from her, sold my house, left my family and I just keep losing and losing. I just want to give up now.

I am still trying though, I was writing the last no contact letter. I will give it to him on Sat. he will be packing kids stuff and taking them this weekend. It is just so hard, I feel so pathetic. I called Dr. Harley too and I know what has to be done. I just am so tired of it all. Seems easier just to give up, totally everything.I have not had any joy in any worthwhile quantity for so long. I hate my addictions, I hate myself, I hate my life. I know i need to turn all those words around and write the good ones and then eventually it will get good but when? when? how long? years? years and years? I just have to live one day at a time so here is the start of a new day. It will be good. I will go shower and plug away at it. bye for now. thanks for your kind thoughful caring words.

Please seek help if you ever feel low again.

I spent 6 days in a psych ward because I got so low. It was the best thing I could have done for myself to get better. There is no shame in seeking help.

My story of my ward experience is here if you're intereseted:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...&PHPSESSID=

Wish you the best.

Besides all the emotions that bring us down because of the A, depression has a chemical basis. It is like a vitamin def. and you may need a little seratoin to boost your receptors. Go see your doc too. Walking outdoors always boosts my mood too because of the natural endorphins released.

We love you and I just wanted to pop in and give you a hug.

Thanks. I am doing laundry and going for a walk and eating my seratonin reuptake inhibitors. I feel a bit better. Had a huge cry last night on the phone with him. Told him about no contact and he is just like yes okay whatever you just want to control everything it is all or nothing with you. He just blames me and I blame him and around and around we go. It is sad. It is so sad for my kids too. I have explained to them why I have to give them to him and they are hoping I can feel better too. I will work hard on myself. One day at a time. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />