I think only you can understand my dilemma...

My son and I moved to this house last June.
Dilemma is re: our neigbor(s)... (right from us; neighbors from left are 'clear case'...)
So, when we moved, there were four of them, a couple and two boys (16&17).
He helped me many times in many different things (cut grass in my backyard before I bought an el. mower, cleaned the snow a few times before I came from work, fixed some things in the bathroom...) I never asked for anything.
He was so kind and nice all the time, I have never had a better neighbor...
His wife is a nice lady too.
Both of them came over a few times to our place for coffee and cake (I never was invited, but that's OK...)

So... one day she knocked at the door and said she'd like to talk to me. And she came in and we talked. I learnt she's not happy with him, they are not married (common law), the second marriages for both, and those boys are each from their first marriages...
I tried to apply some MB talks/rules from here, for I was really sad to hear that, for them both sounded like a nice people...
A few days later, he did the same, we talked, and he said his side of their story, and I tried the same (try again, do another way, etc.)
Then again she saw me on the driveway and said he'd move out soon, I told her he had said to me he still loved her and she might reconsider...
However, a few weeks later - he moved out. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />
She was OK (she got him out, he didn't want), but the first day she felt to alone, so she spent most of the day with us, talking, she said I was the best neighbor she'd ever had...

So, now here is my dilemma:

One month after he moved out, he calls me, we talk about his new place (the other town, still working in this one), his and his son 'new life'... and he said he'd like to drop by and we can talk (also invited my dad (they liked each other too) and me to visit him sometimes...)
And I said what I felt - he's such a nice person and friend, and I cannot anyone's goodness, and I said - you're welcome...

Huh...

After a few hours I had a picture of him coming for a coffee... and her, what about her???

If he ever made pass at me, or behaved improperly, or if I ever noticed he looked me as a woman (and not as just a good neigbour/person - as he did), he'd never be allowed to talk to me, at all.

So, I don't know what to do...
To tell her? What? If I say as I say to you, is that necesarry? If I don't say, would she thinks... uh, I don't want to go there... To invite her too at the same time?
To tell him he cannot come for a coffee and a talk?

What would you do? What's the best thing to do? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

If you are in doubt its best to tell him not to come over.

Always tell the truth! Tell him that you are happy to be friends of BOTH of them, but that means you need to tell her that he might drop by, etc. Ask her if it's OK with her. If not, respect her feelings as your neighbor & a fellow woman.

Honesty is the best policy. Tell him that it would be inappropriate and at the very least, awkward to maintain a friendship with him seeing as how you live next door to his X significant-other whom you are also good friends with.

I don't want to say that you should choose sides, but you do have to live with your neighbor. You should probably begin to distance yourself from him and reduce your relationship to nothing more than an acquaintance.

He is your neighbors XSO.

Thank you, I needed your input so much!

What I decided is - to talk to her first.

So, I saw her on the driveway when I was coming from work three hours ago, and told her I wanted to talk to her.
She was too busy today (had to go somewhere) and we agreed to meet here tomorrow afternoon.
So, I'm going to tell her exactly the same as I said it here (and to my parents and friends, asking for advice)
I hope she will understand why I said to him he's welcome...

zizzycool

I was thinking to do that too.
And I will if I see that she doesn't feel comfortable with this

High Flight,

As I said, she and I agreed to meet tomorrow, and all depend on that.
OF COURSE I will respect HER feelings FIRST.
For, she is a woman and I'm on her side (sorry for guys, I've always been strong with female solidarity <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/ooo.gif" alt="" />...).
Also, she is my neighbor, and she's a nice lady, and if I have to chose, it'd be HER, no doubt at all.

I had no dilemma with this. As I alwasy knew I'd tell her anyway. I just had dilemma should I say to her before he comes, or later, or invite her too at the same time (will ask her tomorrow that, too; I would love they meet and talk, who knows... I do like them both (as neighbors, friends)...

ba109,

I have feeling she'd say it'd be OK with her, but I will rely on my instinct and watch her face/eyes...
If I read 'between the lines' she doesn't like the idea, I will call him and tell him - 'sorry, I don't feel comfortable to meet you without her'.
I'm fine with that too... just it's not easy for me to 'turn down (his) GOODNESS'... I was raised for goodness answer with goodness, if someone gives you 'a loaf o bread', you return two loafs...... and he did nothing wrong that I can 'grab' it and say - no talk
Hope you know what I mean?


He got out 1,5 mth ago, and called for the first time a few days ago, no call after that.
We cannot be friends seeing each other so often, maybe every 2-3 months (he lives in the other town and moving with his job over there too); i.e. I have friends 5-10 km from me and see them every few weeks, just have no enough time for social life so much...)
So nothing to reduce more than it might be...
And I'm fine if I never see him again (God bless him for he's a good person).
I just felt bad saying - no, we cannot meet and talk...
for the goodness is so rare nowadays...


And that's why I posted all of this.
Even if they were just friends, I would feel the same, and ask her opinion about this...
At the end, she's more than him important to me...

So, we will see tomorrow after talking to her...
(I like more and more the idea if I invite both of them to have a little talk/party/fun... :-) Will ask her definately...

My point: I want to be FAIR with BOTH of them... and I'm just trying to find the way to make it feasible...

Thank you thank you so much!
You just confirmed what I thought it's right, feel better. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

B2M,

One of my toughest challenges has been to meet and greet my STBF's ex lovers and ex wife. I've managed after two years to lessen the impact of the ex lover on my emotions, but she has also distanced herself, since it became apparent that we were serious, from STBF and doesn't come around much anymore. The ex wife used to stay at STBF's house and we had major unhappiness, stress, and arguments each time this happened.

I guess I'm just not mature enough to tolerate my STBF's ex wife staying at his house with her OM husband and two small children where she is very much at home with him and their mutual friends who then all treat me as the outsider and wallpaper.

It may have been different if the reception were different, but I hardly think in my defense that anyone would be totally comfortable in these circumstances.

I think this situation with your neighbor would be awkward at best and a move to another house might be warranted if you were ever to want to pursue anything permanent.

V.

Thanks

I understand, it would be.

But not the case here.

There is 0% chance I could ever see him as 'a/the man'.
I see him as my neughbor's X man, as a good person, and my dear good X neighbor...
Nothing more, and no chance for more.

Once I'm here, I can update:
I talked to my neighbor. She's fine with this.
However, I told her I'm fine with only if she comes too, she's fine with that too (but has no hope they can get back together, nor she wants to...)
He hasn't called again yet, so we don't know if he'd be fine with this too <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />, but I think he will.