Ack!!<P>Today it feels like I can't do this anymore. I changed my job because I was working with the OW. I've committed myself to making my marriage work. We have good times when we're together. There is no fighting. And when we discuss stuff about our relationship, there is no love-busting.<P>But today, I'm miserable. I have this cycle. I go for about a week before I get really really depressed again. It lasts for a day or two, then I'm OK again for a while. But today, it's back. <P>Right now, I'm hating my new job. It sucks. I'm with friends, but I'm not happy with the work I'm doing. And when I go home at the end of the day, I have to pretend that I'm not depressed.<P>And now I'm agonizing over the OW again. I know she couldn't care less about me now, so I should just forget about her. But I can't. AAAARRRGGGHHH!!! <P>I know I should relax. But this feeling of hopelessness just keeps washing over me. My life sucks right now. Pure and simple. I hate saying that kind of stuff, cuz it really isn't me, but that's how I feel. How long has it been since I've been happy about myself and my life? How long has it been since I haven't felt crappy about everything? Damn.<P>On my other "how long?" thread, some folks said that maybe part of my problem in getting feelings for my wife is just me. Well, you're damn right! It is me. It will always be me. <P>Sorry this post is so disjointed and muddled. I can't even really put what I'm feeling into words right now. I just felt like venting here. Nowhere else for me to vent.<P>--andy

Replace hopelessness in your message with loneliness. That's what I hear. You sound as if you miss that part of the OW or your wife that caused you to stray in the first place. Try to communicate this to your wife. She needs to know that your are needing as well as you should know that she is too. Communication, you can't preach it enough.

Hey Andy.....Hi. I just finished sending you a test email, thought I'd check back here for a minute, and lo and behold, you are online! This is unusual for me. It is 1.15am on Tues morning for me, and I was just going to bed. will stay up for a little longer in case you come back. Sorry you are having a bummer of a day ... can relate to that..... I went away for 5 days, H stayed in the house while I was away looking after the dog, as I couldn't find anyone to look after her, and when I got back, no message, no sign he had even been here. I think he wants to forget this life even existed. Maybe it would be better all round .... except he has got to start taking responsibility for the fact that we have 3 beautiful kids...... just my whine to add to yours!!! Cheers

Andy<BR>This rollercoaster ride is no fun for any of us!!!!<BR>One thing that I do when I feel that depression thing is concentrate on who "I" helped to be happy today. Not whether I am happy but what I can do for someone else.<BR>Just a thought. If we can get outside ourselves and care whether someone else is smiling we can sometimes get it back.<BR>Chin up. You're doing better than you think!!!!

Airheart,<P>why is it that when you go home you have to pretend that you aren't depressed? could it be that keeping all of this inside you is making you feel more distant from your wife? If you are pretending, that is taking all of your efforts. How about just going home and putting your head on her lap and telling her "I'm having a really bad day. I just don't feel good." I've been finding more and more that when I am very truthful and forthcoming to H about my feelings, it is bringing us closer. Now I am not afraid to be honest, and I think it is making us more intimate with one another. I never thought I would be saying that, because I too feel (felt) no love for my H due to my affair. but these little things are helping. before, I would lean on OM with my feelings and open up to him completely because I felt like I just didn't have that relationship with H. Now I am just giving H the benefit of the doubt and opening up the same way, and it is making me feel much closer to him overall. Can this work for you? I don't think pretending will work at all.

Geez, Andy, you sound hormonal! LOL<P>That's my problem right now. I'm seeing a pattern develop ... one week out of every month I'm in complete despair and don't want to continue .... and then it lets up again. Only to repeat again next month.<P>WELL I DON'T WANNA DO THIS EVERY MONTH FOR THE REST OF MY STINKIN' LIFE!<P>I'm sick of up and down .... up and down .... it's wearing me out. <P>Guess I don't have any words of wisdom for ya ... but I know where you're at, man. Pull up a chair ...

Andy, guess you got caught up. I better head to bed. Will try to catch up with you over the next few days. How come, when I read what you say, I really feel for your situation, and can see the big picture, but it kills me when my H says exactly the same things? In both our lives, it seems like the relationships have just rolled along from the beginning, and have pretty well stuffed us ALL up, in one way or another! I have some theories on this, and would like some advice, I am beginning to see the inevitability of all this .... will talk to you soon.

Andy--<BR>Well, at this point you've discovered that maybe you're simply just unhappy. I've been discovering that myself lately. I've been blaming my unhappiness on the OM and my husband for so long...but there really is no need to be complaining about them any longer, because they're not doing anything wrong.<P>I have a pretty decent job...I'm doing everything I've ever aspired to...designing websites, brochures, etc...have people working for me, have a beautiful office overlooking the woods. These were my MAJOR career goals and now that I have them it's not all it's cracked up to be. However, I couldn't really tell you why.<P>I also have this beautiful brand new house with lots of land and great neighbors...everything I ever dreamed of! I have a new puppy and two great cats that I love! So, I finally have all I ever wanted and I feel so ungrateful because I'm not happy with it.<P>I also have a great husband and family that I take for granted! So, basically I have nothing that really sucks in my life...yet I'm miserable (sometimes)!<P>So...this probably isn't helping you any!<BR>I guess what I'm trying to say is maybe your life isn't so bad after all...there are many more people out there who are alot worse of then we are. Really think about what you have and try and change the things that make you absolutely miserable!<P>Anyway...is your job really that bad? It hasn't been that long. It always takes a while to get used to a new job. Maybe you could find another one. I know it doesn't sound like such a great idea jumping from job to job, but if you're not happy...<BR>At least you won't be around the OW anymore.<P>What used to make you happy? Is there any way you can discover those interests again? Discover something that has nothing to do with searching for a "feeling" for your wife. <BR>I don't know...maybe you could take a class that interests you...or maybe you and your wife could take a class that interests you together.<P>I don't know...it sounds stupid...a class isn't going to magically make you happy. But I think it's all about finding something to keep you busy, occupy your mind, and get you excited!

Andy, Its Mickey65 using my H name.. (I cant figure out why I cant get my name to work on our home computer..your the computer guy, maybe you can help)..<BR>I have been thinking a lot about what your last post was about and then I read yours today... First of all, let me ask... what emotional needs were ow meeting that your wife wasnt... <BR>I also want to tell you that I think that deep down inside you may have some love for your wife,,, even though you say that you never really felt that intense romantic love with her,,,let me ask you this... Were you happier with your life and wife before this happend, and now this has made it worse?<P>I think that you may be suprised that if your wife had done this to you, and you had no one, that you may feel real bad about potentially losing her.. I am just guessing... But I want to tell you.... Although I had a good marriage before this had happend, I remember a couple of arguments I got in with him and feeling like, I could just live without him so easy, and I wouldnt care...(Some of my needs were never totally met)... but then this happens...(and it actually has to happen to send you into reality)... I knew I was going to lose my life partner, (the good, the bad and the ugly), my home and everything in it, my best friend, a future I could count on..... It really is different Andy... Its a lot different thinking about it than actually experiencing it... I know my H felt the same way when he was with ow.. He didnt care if he lost me, and even now sometimes when he is going through withdrawals.... As long as I am there he feels this way... The second I left him, or he thought I would finally end it,,,, HE CARED!!!! Imagine that.... he cared that he would lose all the things that I cared about losing including our beautiful home that we built together and worked so hard for.. He cared that he would lose his best friend... He cared that he knew that he had something for a lifetime with me, and he knew it... and he knew he lost someone special... His reaction was as bad as mine was!! But you know what the sick thing is, that he comes home and has withdrawal... And withdrawal will mask and hide all the good things... Dont let it fool you Andy...<BR>Marriage is so much more than the "Romantic love" that you want to feel.. and maybe some people just never get that,, maybe those people cant be happily married... You can go and divorce your wife, and maybe marry another,,, but all you will be doing is changing the scenery... you wont be changing you.. It sounds as though you are very unhappy with you.. and that is your responsibility... Sure, if you married someone else, the first year would probably be romantic etc... but it will all catch up to you... You will be married and life will be ho-hum,,, and you may look back and then realize... life is kind of routine, kind of the same ole same ole.. You are so responsible for your own happiness..<BR>I will guantee you that in another year you will totally be over ow.. Take it day by day Andy... Focus on your recovery from that, because that is your first priority.. YOur happiness will come in time.. You cant expect it over night... I think that there is a price to pay for what you did.. and it shouldnt be easy for you to get over because how would you learn if it wasnt painful???? Think about that... If it was so easy to do what you did,,, what would prevent it from happening a gain...<BR>I guarantee that in a years time... with no contact with ow... you will be fine....<P>Take care.. keep posting.. it will get you through the rough days...<BR>

One more thing Andy.... Right now... I am not really happy... Yes, I am happy that my H is home, and that he seems to be getting through withdrawal... But, I have went 10 months now, being devistated, having my self esteem, dignity, pride and everything else taken from me.. The pain is more intense than you will hopefully ever know.. My needs have not been met at all for 10 months because of this.. How happy do you think I am??/ It sucks.. But...I know that it will take time for my H to get through this and time for me too... So I look for tomorrow as another day as a step in recovery and a brighter future for us.. That is the only way I can do this and be successful... I cannot dwell on what my H has done to me and my family,,,, I need to move on... make myself happy and hope and pray with time that it will be all worth it in the end.. In the meantime.. Do the things you enjoy.. Be with people that you enjoy... keep busy...

Wow, Mickey. Good for you! Those are very encouraging words! Thanks for posting! Your H is a lucky man!

Hi Andy,<P>Sorry your'e feeling so sh*ty today. I have that cycle too-but for an entirely different reason. I have to pretend that my h. didn't think and say someone else was his soulmate...I'm agonizing over that...that depresses me and I wonder if I'm ever going to be able to get that out of my head. I do (sometimes) lovebust when were discussing things. I did today. I tried to leave because I knew I was in that lovebusting mood and doing some of it. He wouldn't let me leave, though.<P>Forgive me for saying so but I can't help thinking the unhappiness your reaping is part of the seed you sowed. I have to lean toward agreeing with the poster who was wondering if you felt like this before you affair.<P> This probably won't help but You know who cares about you? Your wife. She's the one that loves you. She's the one who still chooses you in spite of the horrific pain you've inflicted on her. Obviously, your ow did not have the sort of love your wife has for you. I'm betting it is ACL. At least, I bet it was in the past. She may not know what she feels now...its so hard through the pain.<P>Do you think you really wouldn't care if you lost her? I think the poster was right also in saying that sometimes we say things and believe things until something happens that makes reality slap us in the face. I've seen it happen. Anyway, hope your feeling better.

Hey folks,<P>Thanks to everyone for responding. I really just needed to vent a little. I'm sure I'll feel better tomorrow or the next day. And your posts have made me feel a little better. I'm sorry for whining... I feel like such a needy wimp sometimes. That's so unattractive! <blech!><P>Paul Moyers -- you guessed it, I am lonely. It doesn't matter how together my wife and I are, I can't shake the loneliness. I think I'll talk to my wife tonite some more.<P>wassi -- hey thanks for the words of encouragement. One of the things I get out of this board is being able to help others...<P>Maya -- I've been keeping up with your story. I hope your councelling helps you with your depression!<P>sosad -- I know you're probably sleeping now as I post this. I am at work right now and the email address I gave you is for home. When I get home tonite I'll read your email and respond. We're gonna have a weird time difference, what with you being down under and all. <P>tamis -- When I show my depression, my wife gets very upset (not mad, just upset). I've told her that I can't help feeling depressed, and she knows that... but I feel like I can't really share it. It seems like she'd rather not know. When we talk about my feelings, we usually have a productive talk, but it's still hard.<P>Pam -- Is my job really that bad? Well, not really. But it gets magnified when I'm already unhappy. To make a long story short, I resisted coming to work here because I knew there would be alot of things that I wouldn't like about it. Well, all those things have been popping up with depressing regularity... I'll give myself alot more time here before I decide if I want to leave.<P>mickey -- hey thanks for posting! you've given me some good stuff to think about. But to answer your question "was I happier before?"... I would have to say that before, I was mostly just existing. I wouldn't call it happiness. I'd call it status quo. I knew I wasn't completely happy, but I didn't know I was really missing anything. This is all very hard to explain. I'm not really expecting to get that "romantic love" (or "all-consuming love", which is what the ACL that hurtingwife mentioned means). What would really be nice is if I had that feeling at one time for her. Then I could draw from those memories and feel that I've made the right decision.<P>hurtingwife -- maybe you and mickey are right and that I would really not want to lose her if it happened the other way around. I did panic when she wanted me to pack up and leave. At the time I thought this was because I was very frightened for my son. I didn't want him to be crushed by not having his father around. He's very much a daddy's boy.<P>--andy

oh mickey -- with regards to your problem of trying to use your user name and password at home... When you initially go in to post, the username and password is already filled in, but you should be able to override that. What happens when you go in and replace Nags name and password with yours? Cuz as far as I know, it should work.

Andy - You're in good company. I'm always willing to spend time with a fellow whiner! As a lot of responders indicated on my post about my own whining, there's a lot of us here who are doing this. MBF SUPPORTS whining! So whine away the hours....<P>--Wex

Its Mickey again..still cant figure this out but anyhow:<BR>Maya: Thank you!!! I appreciated your comments..<BR>Andy: A couple more things::: You know whenever I get down in the dumps, and there has been a lot of it,,,I think about everything I have to be thankful about.. Andy.. even though this has happend to me and it is the worst pain I have ever endured in my life, I still have things to be thankful for... and so do you... You have a wife that has stood by you through this.... yes, maybe it aint perfect (no one's marriage is), but I cant tell you how much she is sacrificing right now for you.. And that, my friend, tells you a lot about that woman you are with.... You have a beautiful son, you have a good job, nice home, and I am sure you are blessed with many friends and other family members... I want you to start being thankful everyday for what you do have in your life.... And I am here to tell you...Its a hell of a lot.. And more probably than you will realize it until you lose it... but more than so many other people in the world... Andy, try helping some less fortunate people..This will bring true perspective to your life... Every day, I want you to wake up and be thankful for the gifts you have..If your religious, thank God,,, if not... just be thankful... its not easy to do... We all live in a world that wants more to life... That is why we have drug, alcohol, infidelity, murder...etc.. We have to want what we have Andy... there is no miracle pill or potion... True happiness comes from within...and to be grateful, and humble...Andy,, live each day to the fullest... you never know what tomorrow brings... every day that you keep dwelling on this is a wasted day... Please remember this... you really do never know what tomorrow brings.. do not take your life, your wife or anything else for granted.....<BR>I understand what you feel about never being in love with your wife... and maybe that would help if you had those memories to draw from... I dont know.. maybe my H is lucky in that we had a very romantic beginning... <P>One thing I dont understand..Can you pinpoint what is missing from your wife? Can you articulate exactly what you want from her to feel a little more excited?? I think after your withdrawal is over, you will feel better,,, but really focus on what you want from her and let her know that... My H has always told him I have met and always met ALL of his emotional needs.. and I just dont believe that... He has told me over and over that it is nothing I did etc., and I was the best wife he could ask for.. said that he had more than any man could ever ask for... So...what gives?? What is it?? I think if we go to counseling and look hard enough we will be able to find the answers.. but that really cant happen until withdrawal is over... I am starting to maybe figure some things out, but my H isnt real good about just telling me...<BR>Hey Andy.. I am sorry you have had a bad day today... I truly do feel for you,,,, and I cant wait for the day we can all celebrate your and everyone elses recovery from this... Stay focused and stay positive,,,its the only way... <BR>

andy - <P>sorry to chime in so late... forgive me!<P>Gosh, I know how it feels to pine over the OP...lord knows I did my share of it <P>I wish I had some magic words to tell you so that you could get over it, because IT WILL CHANGE YOUR LIFE if you can do it. Honest! My H is still struggling with forgiveness, but with each day that I can CONVINCE HIM THAT HE IS THE MOST IMPORTANT PERSON IN MY LIFE, it is getting easier for him to forgive. Part of me wants to come where you are and SHAKE YOU (not violently, of course ) and somehow make you see that you're your own worst enemy (which, by the way, I suspect you KNOW)! You know your W is great, you know she loves you, you know what's right, but you keep on hanging on to those MEMORIES of a fantasy that wasn't suppose to be. STOP IT!!!!!<P>Did that work, my saying to stop it? I didn't think so <P>Geez, andy, you have the world on a string. So your job isn't great, so what? Who's is? You did the RIGHT THING for your marriage and for your family. <P>I wish I could say something that would matter. You have so much to look forward to... if only you'd GRAB IT!!<P>From your pal who likes you but doesn't really like you... hahahaha<P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<P>Marriage: the most important contract you'll ever enter into, and the most sacred.<P><BR>

mickey -- you've definitely got good advice. I should be thankful for what I have. When I thought about that on my drive home from work tonite, it made me want to cry. Why is that? Shouldn't counting my blessings make me happy? But instead, I was sad. Perhaps because it's all wasted on me right now. Cuz I can't see my [censored] for my elbow (pardon my french).<P>You asked what I miss in my wife... hmm. I've really had a hard time with that. I supposed I'm like most men. Admiration (I'm younger than her and I always felt like she didn't respect my opinions or interests enough)... sex (well sure, we had it, but it wasn't as exciting other previous relationships I've had [note - it's much better now])... recreational companionship (she's never really given me that, during our entire relationship, partly because I have rather weird (read - nerdy) interests)... Also, conversation (according to Harley that's usually a woman's need, but I have a big need for that. I might even put it at the top). But that's something that our different cultural background and language barrier will make very VERY hard for her to fulfill (she's Japanese). I've lived without that for so long... and when the OW gave me that... well, you know the rest.<P>Sheryl -- hey thanks for the virtual shake. I'm sure eventually all the good words from you and the rest will sink in and start to make sense. YES! I am my own worst enemy. I fully realize that. I don't blame my wife for my feelings. I completely blame myself for getting myself in this situation. How could I be so stupid as to fall in love with someone, fully knowing that I'd end up broken in the end?!!? I mean, I knew it would turn out horribly! Why?! Cuz I'm an idiot, that's why. An "airheart!"<P>I told my wife that I was depressed today, and as I expected, she withdrew and gave me the cold shoulder. That's okay. I understand it's because my hurting hurts her. I won't love-bust... But it would be easier if she at least attempted to comfort me a little. <P>gotta go. it's getting late!<BR>--andy

Andy: I understand a little more about your situation now that you have posted your unmet needs... Have you discussed some of these with her???? I would love to have my H tell me anything about his unmet needs... I admire him to pieces, I loved sex with him, I make great money, I am very athletic and we do all sorts of sports and fun stuff together, I am pretty good around the house..) I just want him to tell me... What the heck is it?? He always tells me it hasnt got a thing to do with me.. Now Andy, I understand,,, the ow was meeting some needs that were not met with you and I can see how things happen when needs are not met.. I have went over and over this with my H and I asked him,,,, what is it with the ow?? What does she give to you that I dont.. His answer.... nothing.. says she gives him nothing that I dont give, and probably not as much.. says she has no more to offer him.... I just cant figure it out!! Is that possible??? There had to be something dont you think?? H just says she was young and cute and he was flattered and just "fell into it"... I would like to know if there is some need I dont meet... so I can work at meeting it.. but its just a mystery.. <BR>Well Andy... Hope tomorrow brings a better day to you!!!

Hi Andy,<P>I just wanted to let you know that I'm pulling for you and your marriage.<P>I understand what you said but you were one of first people to try and help me out and I won't forget that.<P>Yeh, your story is alot like my OM but you two are very different in the way that you show respect for the OW, your wife and yourself. You made your decision and took steps (like leaving your job) for the good of your marriage. It's been 8 weeks now since he said goodbye and he's still playing games with me.<P>Anyway, hang in there, I'm not too great in the advice department right now either. I pray everyday I'll wake up and have alittle more peace. It will happen eventually.