It has been a month since I found out my husband cheated on me. I had been on vacation for ten days and when I got back to work I checked his call log on the cell phone bill. I was amazed to see for the last 10 days he had been calling and text messaging this other woman. When I got home from work I asked him to come in and talk and told him I wanted him to find somewhere else to live b/c I didn't have the same feelings for him anymore and thought that he may have another woman. I didn't bring up the fact that I already knew and he didn't admit or deny having another woman. He left pretty quietly but was in complete shock. Come to find out, my family had heard rumors of this other woman but did not tell me b/c they didn't know if it was true or not. My husband went to stay with the other woman for about a week b/c he says he had no place else to go. When he came to get his things moved out a few days later he sat in the kitchen crying his eyes out saying how bad he had messed up. When I asked him why he did it he said he didn't know why, just that he didn't get enough affection from me and wanted some attention. Now that he is not staying with her anymore and I know they don't have contact b/c I can still see the call log from the cell phone, he wants to try and work things out with me. He is saying all the right things on how he is going to change, but I just don't believe him. I think he is just trying to say whatever he can to be able to come home and have a somewhat normal life again. I feel like while he is saying all the right things to me that he is still out looking for another woman to meet in case things don't work out between us. He has stayed the night at the house a few times in the last couple weeks and made me dinner and all that good stuff. We have had sex and it was awesome, but again, I still have this deep down feeling that I am just being used. He says he wants to go to counseling so something like this never happens again. I am lost and keep flip-flopping in my mind, should I let him stay and try to work things out, or just tell him to leave me alone and eventually get over the man that I love. There are no kids involved so it is only my heart that would take time to heal. I just don't know what I would do if I took him back and he cheated again............. any advice would help. Thank you.

Grillinfredd,
Welcome to MB! Sorry you have to be here under the circumstances, but it is a great place for experience & support.

Only you can decide if you want to give him another chance. However, as for the "conditions" to take him back, here is what "WHEN THE ONE YOU LOVE WANTS TO LEAVE by Donald R. Harvey" has to say...

There's a chapter near the end about spouses who want to come home with lists of appropriate reasons to return, and inappropriate reasons that I think is right on target. It is written with the WS being a WH, so swap the pronouns/genders for your sitch.

I highly recommend Marriage Builders marriage coaching (the # is on this site, it's $185/hr but worth every penny). Also, other books about A's like W. Harley's "Surviving An Affair" and Janis Abrams Spring's "After the Affair" helped us.

Recovery is possible, but you both have a lot of work ahead of you. Learning to meet each other's needs and re-working bad ways of communicating isn't easy. Hope this helps for starters. Move slowly, he messed this up by cheating, and you need to give yourself time to decide what you want to do. I believe it's Dobson that says you never have more leverage than after the discovery of the first affair to set things right. Use this chance!

MSA

Thanks so much for the reply. When I look at the reasons section I think he feels all of the appropriate reasons to get back with me, but I also feel he has some of the inappropriate reasons too. He is desperate to find any time to spend with me on a daily basis. I am taking it one day at a time with hopes that things will work out.
I know why he strayed and know it isn't my fault. There were underlying issues about his work ethic and pot smoking habit that made me miserable b/c I lost respect for him. I have told him that these 2 things are the first dealbreakers as far as him ever moving back in. I told him I would be drug testing him too and he seems okay with that.
I have told him of a lot of changes he needs to make and he seems willing to. My question is, will he resent all these changes he has to make down the road and fall back into his bad habits? Like I said, one day at a time right................

Addictions are harder to battle than the addict wants to admit.

Your FWH is probably willing to say or do anything to make the immediate pain of being separated go away. Beware. He isn't TRYING to be dishonest, but these types of "deals" are often not kept for long.

The key piece is counseling counseling counseling... for your marriage, but especially for him as an individual. His "work ethic" is unlikely to change over time I think. The pot smoking? could go either way. Or more likely be replaced/supplemented by other addictions or bad habits.

Counseling is important for you at this stage as well, as you try to decide what to do and why you want to do it. Move slowly, you need to take time to think through your options, and see demonstrated change in his behavior over time.

Another affair is devastating, a relapse with OW after promises is the most painful thing I have experienced, and the pain of it has changed me and our relationship. Take your time deciding; I know our MB counselor wanted us "fixed" very quickly and helped us with that, which was good for our kids, but perhaps the individual counseling stopped too soon for him/me.

It is possible to patch the surface back up but leave the deeper problems lying there, just waiting to rise up when the next crisis happens.

Do you have a good support network from friends & family to help you during this time? Have any of them been thru similar situations?

MSA

Um.. I have been on both sides of the fence. Once I was the cheater and now I am being cheated on. It's been over a year since I cheated on him and it's been 23 days since I found out. It hurts. I cried, I yelled and He din't want to talk about it. He just want to sleep and forget about it just the way I did to him. I hate the fact that I cheated on him. I hate me for it. It hangs over my head every day. He used to called me so many names and hated people like me. I work hard to win his trust. I did everything he ask of me. I aviod the person I cheated on him with. I don't talk to him. I pretend he dosen't exist... .. It hurts because he has become something that he hates so much. He said he didn't like her that way. They would text and email. I know that sounds silly, but he spend so much time and effort hiding it from me until I found out... I have been checking his email and cell phone alot.....He said he had put a stop it before I found out. The funny thing is we all work in the same company but different departments, I see her once in a while passing through the hall ways, I look away. I don't want to confront her. She knows who I am, thats the sad thing. I decided not the check on him anymore, not cry anymore, not to question him anymore...like the old saying if someone truly loves you back they will do good by you....He seems like he is tring to do what I ask of him. Im too upsat to notice. He was/is my best friend. Some days I want to give it up. He is alot younger than me, we are in a interracial marriage, I know its been hard on him lately with new people in his life. I understand people change. I understand that I cant meet his emotional needs. Im tring the best that I know how....I rather figure things out and move on than hang on to something that isn't there anymore.

I can say that it is definitely worth it to work it out if you both love each other. This happened to me after 26 years and my world fell apart. I think the reason we were able to make it was we both wanted to and were willing to do whatever it took. My H had always been anti therapy but once this happened he realized he had issues he couldn't cure by himself. Therapy and medication really changed him for the better and now 16 months later I can say our marriage is the best it's ever been. Hang in there and seek help.