Hi as I have posted earlier I am in the final stage of my divorce - hoping - to clear up a couple of things and have it done next week. Of course I have been hoping that for three weeks.

Well, now WS has decided that he does not want the divorce and want "his family" back. I honestly think the OW dumped him and he is feeling alone. I am also wondering if the finacial impact has hit him and that is the other reason.

Now emotionally I think I am done he has been so awful for the past two years and I really do not like the person he has become.

So I asked him I really want to go through with the divorce - honestly in some wasys to protect me financially. The second thing I told him was I need some time. I want the divorce, get settled in my new home and then see what happens. Now he is suffocating me. He will not leave me alone, calls all the time, starts talking about all this stuff we are going to do together and all.

What is so hard is six months ago I would have been so excited now I just think there is nothing left for me here. I have discovered that he is so needy and that worries me that it will cause problems in the future because I have become so much more independent and he has nothing to do. Then there is no listening to me. I have asked him to back off and give me some space to figure out how I feel about this lastest thing and he does not stop calling, coming by asking for "sex" although now he thinks he is making love to me. I am just not interested in that right now.

Is this wrong? Has anyone felt this way? Thanks for listening.

Yep! I'm there with you!

My WH had a 2 yr A. D-Day was 2/1/06. Exposed the A on both sides. Went to MC, he went to his IC. Both MC and his IC gave him the same advise on radical honesty, but he still refuses to even try because it would mean losing control and his "self-preservation" as he described would be destroyed.

Going to MC was nothing more than a "front" to show everyone (his friends/family) that he "tried". Yet, he continued to lie.

Two weeks ago when he came home early because his mother was dying after I fought with him to cancel his business trip to Detroit. He's a product trainer for GM. I went to LAX to surprise him. Instead, I was the one surprised. The bast*ard wasn't wearing his wedding ring. He gave me some Bulls**t answer. The OW is a flight attendant for Northwest! The next day, I found a conputer print out in his briefcase that if I weren't a flight attendant myself (not for NW) I woudn't have known what it was. AND he claimed he didn't know how it got there! I said "who the f*** are you fooling?! It had "Northwest" written all over it!

By the way, there is this unwritten rule that you just don't f*** around with another flight attendant's spouse regardless which airline. When I asked WH if he would f*** another trainer's wife, he said he wouldn't and never thought of it that way! Sure!!! It's his "favorite" respond next to "I didn't know how it got there" or "I don't remember." But considering that she did her neighbor in exchange for home repairs (her emails to him), she didn't care. WH cheated on me, and the OW cheated on him. At that point I decided I was DONE! DONE! DONE! Frankly, they deserve each other! They are two peas in a pod!

I can't even look at him long enough before I start to cringe.

When you can look at you WS with pity and not love, you know that you're done.

When you look at your spouse and the death of your marriage without regrets, you know you're done.

When you can envision your life without your WS with a big relief and peace, you know you're done.

Anyone, care to add to when....

I'm there, too. I agree with stargaze--WH goes to counseling just to make it look like he 'tried'. His actions speak volumes, though. I resent that WH tries to make ME out to be the bad guy, when HE's the one with the two affairs with the girl half his age, and he's the one who called DCF to have my children taken away, and he's the one who stole $12K out of our accounts, and he's the one who took our kids to disney world with his girlfriend. Now, it's MY fault I can't take it anymore.

Well, then I guess it's gonna be my fault.

Hi Stonecold,

Yes, in their twisted minds, it's always our fault that drove them to have their affairs. It's like blaming McDonalds for gaining an extra 50 pounds because you decided to eat Bic Mac and supersized french fries every other day.

How are you? Can't remember your story. But I hope you're doing well. WE WILL do well. Let's take care of ourselves, shall we?

YUP, YUP, YUP,

I'm getting so carried away fantasizing about what it is going to be like when he is finally gone....Weee....I try pretending all the time....I just function independently...

I dream of just looking at a man who is looking back at me with a warm smile...and it isn't my neighbor, dad, or sons!! My sons aren't men anyway...ha ha

Anyway.......funny, even though we're working on the separation....his favorite pastime is pointing out all my drawbacks, why it is my fault. I just love his sense of ownership....ha, ha, ha, oh, ho, ho, ho.

Pass the HOT Potato game.....

Yeah, let's take care of ourselves...tonight today everyday....they wouldn't have to work so hard at blaming us if they were convinced themselves. "If you're rich you don't need to show it." get it?...I like that! It can be used in many situations. If you have inner peace and are living honestly you don't need to go around justifying yourself all the time. Poor, poor WS...I'm glad I'm not him!!!

That is a blessing : )

Strongest

HA-HA-HA-HA! Thanks for the laughter!

As a way to "start" taking care of myself, I'm going to Portland, OR to hang out with my best male friend/big brother and his family who just bought a yacht that has 2 suites. We go back 12 years. I debated about going because I knew WH would twist everything like he had with our M and it would give him a reason to feel justified with whatever he did and what he will do. So he can go f*** himself! Ooops, he already did.... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

By the way, this was discussed in our LAST MC. Our MC highly recommended that I need to start taking care of myself and that a "change of pace" would be good and that yes, I should go visit my friend.

Oh, I evicted my WH out of our bedroom last night for the first time. Man, that felt good. Here I am, alone, he's in the other room, I'm having my freshly brewed coffee with hazelnut creame, my dog is outside my door sound asleep, the weather outside my window is clear, cool and crisp, typical California, and just being by myself. It's peaceful.

Later today, I will work on "thank you" letters to corporate sponsors which I chair as a volunteer for an animal organization in our community while I've been off work on an injury. Then in the afternoon, I will take my dog to the "dog zone" beach for the first time. Then I will visit with friends.

Life without WH is a true blessing in itself.

Deneck, your instincts are right on target! Good girl.

Even six months ago, you probably wouldn't have wanted him back like this. Not really.

I suggest you tell him to leave you alone. If he doesn't, report him as stalking you and get a restraining order. LOL.

He waited too long, and then he's back for all the wrong reasons. You should have a strong, whole, healthy man, not a needy disaster clinging to you, and hoping you'll make it all better for him.

Let him atone for what he's done, grew up, gain some wisdom, and then he can look you up. You meanwhile, will continue to protect yourself and your children financially.

Right On, Green!

Thanks so much for all the support. Some days when he is being nice I wonder am I making a mistake, but then I wonder where this person has been for the past two years and now he all of a sudden cares.

He calls all the time - what are you doing? What are you planning? Where are you going etc? It drives me crazy. I am just hanging on so I can get this finished. He seems to be more agreeable when he thinks he is still in the picture - if that is what HE wants -.

I am going to protect myself financially - based on his past I would be a fool not to. Then I want to be on my own and responsible for me and then we will see what happens and how I feel.

There is a part of me that thinks he feels sad and he thinks being with me will make it better - for how long. I think he thinks the children will make him happy. He needs to be happy with himself. He is going to therapy - finally - maybe that will help. He wants me to come, but I am not ready so I decided no. For me that is huge. If and when I want to work on this then I will go, but right now I need to see that he wants me for the right reasons.

green - you are right I want a whole man. Not a needy clingy one and that is what he is right now. It drives me nuts!!!

A WHOLE and SECURE man would not play mind games with his spouse, nor would he disrespect his wife in every sense of the word.

It's funny because that's exactly how my WH has been all day since I kicked him out of our bedroom, last night.

Today, I treated him with the utmost aloofness and chill. I gave him short and precise answers. As we were snacking earlier, I couldn't even look at his side profile. My body language cringed and I thought to myself at thet moment how I "used to" admire, adore, and respect him" and how beautiful I thought he used to be. I used to brag about how handsome he was, standing at 6'4" dark hair, blue eyes and the features between Ben Affleck and Dylan McDermott. Now, I look at him, and I just cringe. Hmmmm...not much of a prince charming, is he? I must've been kissing a frog the entire time!

Hi, I'm reading my story interwoven with several of yours.

My previously emotionally abusive H and I have been separated for over a year. Six months ago we decided to try again-he agreed to councelling and proceeded to have "one last night" with the OW he had been seeing while we were separated. He made another booboo 3mos ago during a trip to Vegas where he swears nothing happened but a friend invited several girlfriends to join them for dinner a few times. The girls ended up calling on his cell while we were watching a movie at home. BUSTED!

He stopped seeing the IC and MC before summer because he didn't have time and didn't think it was necessary any longer. In the last 2mos although he doesn't take the kids on his own very often he has been much better. He spends a lot of time here with the kids and I and has been chipping in with the housework while he's here. He calls everyday to ask if I need anything and has been very attentive.

For some reason I still feel like I'm done. I can't look at him and feel attracted to him sexually. I feel like I'd be living with my roomate and expected to have SF if I let him move back in.

We have 3 young kids that adore their daddy but I feel like it sucks the life out of me just to be around him. Am I obligated to stay because he has decided to "Play nice"?

In the last 4 years I have been falling slowly downhill in terms of my pyche and my health. The health problems have become quite serious and at least 2 of the dr's feel alot of it is stress related.

How do you justify leaving the Daddy of 3 when he's behaving like the boyfriend you dated 16yrs ago? Why do I have to be the bad guy in this? i am so tired.

Sorry, I've rambled, just want to know where you all gather your strength from.

Thanks,

apl

I know exactly how you feel. Mine is trying to be nice and calling all the time, but part of me just gets annoyed. Kind of like where were you a year ago.

Now he calls wanting to come over to "make love" and this bothers me so much. I mean is just about the sex and the fact that he is not getting anything because she left him? When he does this I feel like an object and nothing else. He thinks he is being nice.

Honestly, I have good days and bad days - today is a downer - probably because I am hoping to hear from my attorney that everything is completed and ready to sign. So I think am I doing the right thing?

Right now I am trying to make the right decision, but I really think I need to move on and let my H grow up - maybe then down the line we can repair, but I am not sure because he keeps lying to me and that really bothers me.

Until he is completely honest there is nothing to work on. I mean he met her for dinner in her home town and he is saying he went there with another friend. Odd, the OW lives 60 miles from us. So I am to believe that he went shopping with someonelse (there are outlets about 20 minutes past her town and he was shopping) and then they decided to eat dinner at a restaurant in her city - not just off the highway, but in the downtown area about 2 minutes from her house. With another person who knew what was going on. Does he really think I am that stupid. He was with her so admit it and get it over with.

Some of my strength is in something better is coming my way. So I am looking forward to finding it.

D- I am so sorry he is putting you through this crap. He sounds like a very immature individual who wants you to accomadate his childish "needs". The "cake eating" nonsense is too much- he wants the stability of your R with the irresposibility that he gets to enjoy with the OW. Yuk!

I also know how it feels to have another "friend" covering for the behavior-I have been duped as well.

Don't absorb the aftermath of his behavior- it belongs to him. Take pride in the fact that you have taken the high road and have been honest and forthcoming throughout. If it
never works out at least you know you did everything within your power to make it work.

I will try to follow your lead and look forward to seeing another door open. Thanks,

apl

Hi - another frustrating week. I feel like I am trying to get divorced. but can't. It seems like it just drags along.

I am so tired and ready to move on with my life. We are down to two things in our agreement - that is assuming that my STBX does not change his mind - which happens all the time.

The latest is my ex seems to think that he is moving back into our home since he gave notice on his apartment. During our settlement agreement my ex wants to buy our family home and this is OK with me. Since interest rates were rising he wanted to refinance. My attorney agreed that this would be OK and we had an agreement drawn up that says I will move out of the house 45 days after the settlement agreement is finalized - this has not happened as of yet.

I called my ex and said have you spoken with your attorney and he said yes and that his attorney has been calling mine all week. I said well we are stuck until this happens and everything is done. He said I am moving in in a week and you need to find someplace. So I called my attorney secretary and she said my ex's attorney has not called all week and my attorney has been in court.

So now who to believe. I think my STBX is just blowing smoke, but I am not sure. I think he gets it in his mind what he wants and that is it and does not listen to anyone else at all. He has told me that he is moving in and changing the locks. Now my attorneys paralegal has told me that he cannot do that so do not worry.

I just want this over!!! Then when he does not get his way he says oh, yeah I am going for more custody. I am so tired of being threatened with that one.

Sorry just needed to vent Thanks.

When you are embarassed that they are your spouse, you're done...

When you are happier away from them than you are with them, you're done...

When your spouse is the last person you want to see, you're done...

When you hate the sound of their voice, you're done...

When you hate hearing the sound of the garage door letting you know they're home, you're done...

When you stop including them in your plans, you're done...

When you stop caring what they think, you're done...

When you avoid being around them, you're done....

and finally,

If you have to ask, then it's already over!

Can't Hurt; seriously, no sf since 11/05? Have you got stock in duracell?

Thank you for the previous post, it paints a very clear picture for me!

apl

I had to buy rechargeables or go broke! lol!

I know exactly how you feel!!! I feel like you are speaking of my life, you are describing exactly what has been happening to me as far the ex goes. He does the exact same thing to me on a daily basis.

I try to set my boundaries and he will just excuse what I say to him and do whatever he wants. He wants to continue to come over and lay up over my house and watch the game ( while supposedly spending time with the kids). When I say it is time to go he throws a hissy fit!!!

Why can't they just lay in the mess that they have made or is it still acontrol issue?
Do you ever wonder if they only feel like they need to have you when they can't control you????

If so what do you do about it??? Anyone want to take this one?????


W2E <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Oh, come on now!

does anyone out there have anything welse to say on the matter?

W2E <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />