Hey Walt... you are doing the right thing
I can tell you from experience now, harden your heart... it helps you, and may do more good than you know.
My wife is now wanting to reconcile after I did this... its not a easy raod, but it will help you feel better about you.
The more you are letting her dictate your thoughts and your actions, she still controls you.

I know you mean well, cause I did the exact same things... only difference is that i lawyered up and got temp custody and showed her I meant business and that i didnt need her like she thought i did.

Praying for you!!!

Thanks for the last two responses especially. I'm very comfortable with this decision, and you're right... it's MY DECISION!!!

Knowing that I will have the kids most of the time and be in their "home" with them to raise them, this now becomes a purely business decision. Minimize the money going to attorneys, walk away being able to be somewhat comfortable financially and it's over.

We speak to each other without much of a problem, I guess because the tension of the decision-making is over. Heck, we even still sleep in the same bed! There may as well be a barbed wire fence between us, but it's just a place to sleep.

When you remove all the clutter of assets, retirement accounts, rental properties, etc. and just look at what's left, it makes sense for me to move on. I'm a kind, compassionate, loving, fun person to be around and I've just busted my [censored] to be something I'm not in hopes of pleasing her. I can't believe the relief I've felt of the past few days. Hey, I LIKE FISHING! Big freakin' deal! I know guys who go out to go-go bars as their hobby and leave their family at home regularly, is fishing really that bad? I'm an active person with hobbies. I'm now in the best shape of my life. I've got a great core group of friends and a family anyone would be proud to have. I have an extraordinary relationship with my kids. I love them, and they respect me. There's alot for me to live for and there's alot to like about myself. I didn't realize the damage I've done to myself psychologically over the years until now. She went out this weekend, worked, and picked up a shift... the house and atmosphere was awesome. My daughter commented that this was one of the best weekends of her life! She wasn't talking about her mom not being part of it, she was just enjoying life for the weekend.

I have learned so much through this process so far. I haven't forgotten the very important lessons i've learned from Dr. Harley, which truly prepares me for a future relationship someday... no hurry though!

Funny, when I got home after work on Friday, I was dressed for a meeting... tie, dress shirt, etc. The wife turned around when I walked in a said "you look nice". Now, a month ago, I would have read into that so deeply it would have kept me awake that night. When she said it this time, I felt no emotion at all. (Mostly because I already knew I looked good... just kidding... kinda... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> )

I dont' even feel like I'm doing "Plan A" or "Plan B" or "Plan D"... I'm just being me and dealing with a situation.

I hope we can live together for a few months after our second home is sold just to save money. It would be nice to walk away with a nice cushion of money just for the piece of mind it provides. Don't know how much of a hurry she'll be in... but it would benefit both of us at this point.

I could go on and on about the unbelievable relief I'm experiencing, but I think you guys get it. Sharing the news with extended family and some friends is very interesting because they're just so gracious with their thoughts, prayers, offers for refuge to their homes if I need it for a day... when I smile and tell them that its ok... I'm ok with it, they look at me weird. I feel like I'm there FOR THEM at this point. To help them handle it.

I get along with my wife's extended family VERY well. I will miss seeing them, but they'll be around for the kids big events, etc. I'd love to hear the wife's explanation regarding my absence... just for the entertainment of it all.

Also, by "hardening my heart", I'm allowing a civil relationship with my wife. I refuse to hate or feel angry... I do feel somewhat annoyed at times, but its usually a passing thought.

I sincerely do want to remain friends with her... its just easier that way. Yeah, I'll joke and poke fun with my close buddies about the situation, but its just that... fun and light-hearted.

I'm in a good place right now. Thanks to all who have taken the time to read and comment on my situation. I sincerely appreciate it.

I'll definately post until I think it's not interesting anymore.

Walt,

You are right it is your decesion. If you feel this way then you should do what you need to do.

I can tell you why you feel pretty good.

The opposite of love is not hate. It is indifference.

Once you become indifferent it is harder to be hurt by the other person.

I think being friends will be good for the kids and it is nice to know you will be able to keep your kids lives in tact as much as possible.

I am sorry it has gone this way for you. I wish you the best.

Thank you, but don't be sorry. I have my life back just the way I want it.

Yes, I was thinking about that this weekend. Indifference is definately the opposite of love. Hate means there's still some sort of caring for you to feel it. I just want to move on, but being in this limbo right now is much more tolerable with my current mindset.

Thanks again.

Walt,

I follow your thread because I see that you have handled things so much like I wish I had. I was weak and was railroaded into a divorce I didn't want. I am just now going through the process of withdrawl and of adjusting to the new life.

I see how you've handled things and am envious, but happy for you, in that you didn't allow the overwhelming emotions you feel at a time like this to dominate your thinking and your brain. I didn't have that strength.

I do wonder, however, if you may be in a state of emotional denial. I'm only asking because you seem overly positive about what is happening. I think it's a fair question and I hope you don't mind me asking.

I feel that the reality of what is lost may really hit when she's no longer there and the kids are being shared and you come home to an empty house. I'm only saying that because it was very tough for me to come home to an empty house for a long time.

Just throwing in my two cents. Good luck to you.

Thanks for your perspective Papa. I know that I'll miss my kids when they're VISITING their mother. I say that because I'll have them no less than 9 nights in a two week period... probably 10 if the wife is realistic about things.

Fortunately, I'm a VERY active person. One of the problems between the wife and I. I will be sure to NOT GET INVOLVED with someone who can't handle this in the future. Matter of fact, I would like my future relationship to include an abundance of recreational companionship that will involve the hobbies I really enjoy, namely fishing. If it's something the other person can't handle, I'll take that as a HUGE warning sign of things to come. These things rarely go away.

So, my point is, I will rarely be home when the house is empty. I will use that time to catch up on other things including chores, hobbies, time with friends, etc. I don't sit on my [censored] for very long without getting antsy.

I look at it this way, my first choice would be to be happy with my wife. That's really not possible. Second choice is to be happily divorced, but still raise my kids in a loving environment.

If the quiet time feels a little too quiet, then I'll get on the phone with a buddy and plan something. I love to fish, ski, hunt, play golf, and I look forward to getting into gardening around the house and doing some landscaping. My family is close by and my dad is getting old. I'd love to spend some one-on-one time with him and just go our to breakfast or something.

As you can see, I've thought about this long and hard. I'm not saying the day it's all over and she leaves isn't going to be a sad day, but mostly because I have to watch my son in particular go through something that he just isn't going to understand.

My wife and I had some great times along the way... they'll always be great times in the past. But that part of my life is over now. Do I ever find myself day-dreaming about a fun time we had? Or silly things we'd fight over? Of course! But I also daydream about my childhood, and when the kids were little, and catching my first striped bass on a flyrod with one of my best friends (we both caught our first striped bass within minutes of each other)... but they're just that... memories from the past.

I'm moving on to a very exciting time of my life. Remember, we had our daughter VERY young and had alot of groing up to do in a short time. She said through this that she never had a chance to be single... well you know what? Neither did I!!! But I choose to look at my life as a series of blessings, even when I didn't think they were blessings... kind of like right now. Her leaving truly is a blessing in many ways. Just considering the pro-active approach to my health that I've taken, it's brought my relationship with my daughter to an even higher level, it will probably bring my wife and daughter closer since the time together will be more precious.

Plus, it doesn't hurt that she has no case for alimony. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Again, thanks for following.

Walt,

Your positive outlook will take you far.

I like your analogy. The past is just that the past. You cannot create a great future by focusing on the great things that have happened in the past.

I admire you. I really do. I might use you as an example for my life soon.

Look at it as a positive. Yes FWW and I had some great times but they were so long ago they are just distant memories. I want new great memories and maybe the FWW just isn't the one to creat them with me.

Again I admire you.

My FIL called me today because he hasn't heard from me in a while. He was disappointed to hear that I wouldn't be coming to Florida to visit.

I told him it's over and it's really a business decision at this point. He was disappointed. He had hope and tried talking to her, but at the same time is somewhat of an enabler. When she talks about details of the divorce, he gives her advice, but then he talks about reconciling, etc. Well, you can't support both in my opinion.

I've learned so much going through this process... the legal side of divorce is SO COLD! What's really sad is that a man (or woman) who works hard to provide for a family and agrees to have one of the spouses (usually the woman, but not always) stay home to raise the family on a day-to-day basis can get SO SCREWED by merely a change in the winds direction.

Almost makes one gun shy for a future marriage. No wonder the marriage rate is dropping and people are living together out of wed-lock. You almost can't blame them.

I'm a big fan of marriage and think it's so important to our society as a whole, but something really has to be done to have some sort of consequence for your actions.

Just a thought.

This website really has so much to offer. I'm so happy I found it...

Walt:

Call your FIL and tell him this:

Well, you can't support both in my opinion.

And tell him which way you would like him to go. And see if he would say yes to your request. And to work for you, and tell him the reasons it is in his and his daughters best interests. And explain that talking to WS about D is destructive, and how if WS wants to do the D, let her do the work.

And then, what it all comes down to:

I've learned so much going through this process... the legal side of divorce is SO COLD! What's really sad is that a man (or woman) who works hard to provide for a family and agrees to have one of the spouses (usually the woman, but not always) stay home to raise the family on a day-to-day basis can get SO SCREWED by merely a change in the winds direction.

Thats why you talk reconcilliation and your lawyer talks Divorce.

So, decide if you want her back. Then act accordingly. Do not facilitate her D efforts. Have your Lawyer blow her up, and ask for everthing. Be as rough as possible.

Every WS who is getting thrown out will say: "let's work together, so that it is easy on the children... etc etc." takes them off the hook, serious Fogspeak, and removes guilt from them.

Throw them an anchor, and let them drag themselves down with it.

And in the end, you lose the kids, the house and the get to pay child support and possibly alimony.

So, decide if you want her back. Then act accordingly.

It is so disappointing that your M has lasted as long as it has, but that you are willing to let it go after only 3 months.

I disagree, Lousy. Walt has done everything in his ability, at least as far as we know, to save his marriage and work for its protection. Sometimes, the other person just DOES NOT WANT to be married. His wife sounds immature and irresponsible and not willing to commit at the level Walt needs/wants commitment. I don't see it as that he's letting it go after 3 months. This thing took <b>years</b> to unravel and what should he realistically do? Spend <b>years</b> patching it up? She will have had her tenth affair by then. Don't forget, this man has survived 3 other men in his marriage as well. I say Ship's Sailin' for Sunnier Shores---although, it will be quite darker, Walt, at times before the sun fully rises. But, when I read about that huge weight lifting off your shoulders--I totally related. I've had plenty of stresses since leaving, but the feeling of freedom, inner happiness, and peace of mind are CONSTANT and far outweigh the stresses I must endure.

You're in our prayers!

lg, I was actually waiting for your response and started to prepare a reply but got distracted several times. I appreciate your perspective on the situation.

However, once stepping back from the whole thing and really considering who I'm married to and the real potential, its clear to me that the best choice for my children and myself is to move on. We've agreed on everything as far as terms go, and I consider that a good thing in my situationm, and truly in her best interest. My wife has changed and is completely lost. She will never grow up and I'm tired of waiting for it to happen.

At this point, I can be friends with her for the sake of the kids. I actually think that trying would only hurt me more, and have no effect on her whatsoever.

I know that I could keep trying if I wanted to, but to be honest, I just don't want to anymore. I stepped back and thought about all the "extra" stuff I've just learned to tolerate and that's what really put me over the edge. She's been working alot, so not seeing her every day has allowed me the space to step back and consider who I actually am, and who I would have to be for things to work.

Also, Katuschka said it... she just does not want to be married to me. I'm confident that she'll quickly latch on to another guy. It's just her nature. She is not an independent person. In fact, just a couple days ago she was trying to decide whether to go to our daughter's field hockey game or not. She was on the phone with me thinking out loud and finally said "I don't know what to do... tell me what I should do". I rolled my eyes and told her I'll never tell her what to do again. I told her she's on her own from now on. She made fun of me a little be for saying it, but I think I'm sending a clear message that SHE'S NOT MY PROBLEM ANYMORE!

I really don't think I've thrown it away over three months. It's been a steady decline over several years, and I've been the one standing on the brakes to try and slow it down. I really think this is a second chance for me as well. We had a child young, married fairly young, grew up quickly... I'm ok with that... she obviously isn't.

I'm tired from years of raising "an eternal teenager" in my wife. I'm not interested in running out and meeting someone or anything like that. I'm on the shelf as far as that goes until I feel that my family (children) can handle it and if/when something presents itself, I'm ready for it, but not actively pursuing anything for a while. It wouldn't be fair to my family, me, or the other person for that matter.

K, yeah, I have dark moments, but have gotten better at handling them. Most of them stem from the damage my son will have to endure, but the only thing I can do is minimize it the best way I know how... by loving my son whole-heartedly. The horizon is getting brighter every day. You're so right about the feelings of freedom, inner happiness, peace of mind... they are constant and comforting.

I'm telling you all reading this, I will bet ANYTHING that the wrecking ball of reality hits my wife sometime over the next couple years. She may not tell me about it, but I know her... she'll find a soft place to land and not really address her problems.

I'm a good dad. I'm caring and compassionate. She truly is selfish, self-centered, and shallow... worst of all, she knows it and doesn't care.

Again... thank you for taking the time to read and/or post. I wouldn't mind hearing some other perspectives if you care to share them.

I will continue to post anything interesting...

I'm sure I must have missed it in an earlier post: But have either of you actually filed / been served yet?

Walt:

Maybe I believe in the Fairy Tales. And what has happened in my M since DDay can only be described like a Fairy tale.

That is why I try to have hope for others in similar situations. I was lost, and now I have found a new M with my W.

But, some people are different. Your BS does not want to come back to the fold. Your Plan A has done all the right things, you are a better person, better dad, (pic #3, looking good!) more aware of what a M is all about, etc.

Your BS will probably wake up, and may even call you to reconcile in 18-24 months. There are examples of this on this site. Your wrecking ball analogy is correct, but that wrecking ball has destroyed your M. It just will take 24 months to hit her.

Making a decision adds clarity to life. You now know which direction you want to go in. She is not part of that anymore. Disappointing? Yes. Reality? Yes. It may even force her to face reality sooner. But the bus has left the station.

Stay around. There will be more twists and turns. Keep us in the loop, we can still help here is MB Land. There is even support in the divorcing/divorced threads.

Good luck, My Friend.

WTF, no we haven't filed yet. We've both spoken with attorneys, but we're saving up the cash for the retainers. Actually, it's remarkably agreeable.

lg, I think you're right about being agreeable, etc. and using it as a way for her to make herself feel less guilty. She called me on my cell last night (we're both working our butts off trying to save for the retainers) and she said "so where are you with all of this?" I thought she was about to drop another weird bomb, but I told her that I'm fine with it. She very quickly said "that's good, that's good, I'm glad for you... I'm sorry I hurt you and I want you to meet somebody. You deserve it, etc., etc." As she was speaking I just kept thinking "shut up, shut up, shut up..." I think she wants it to be "our" decision and not "her" decision. Whatever... same result either way.

I'm in no mood for a "feel good about divorce" conversation. I hate divorce... It's evil in my opinion in most cases. I'm not saying I want to stay together at this point, but I still don't feel "good" about divorce... I feel good about life, the future, etc. But the reprocussions of divorce suck... BAD!

I plan on keeping in touch here. As we approach the end of the year, we're just going to borrow the money to file if we don't have it all by that point. We've also decided to live together for a while to save some cash after the second home is sold... not sure if I mentioned that.

Like I said, at this point, for us... it's a business decision.

Thanks.

Walt:

Next time you get the call and she refers to it as "OUR" decision to D, cut her off, and say, it's her choice to leave. NO Exceptions!

Also, if it is Plan B time, have her call your Lawyer.

And I would be working long hours to provide for my family. Never for the retainers. That type of goal is defeatist.

Yes, you have to pay the lawyer. Yes, Lawyers are expensive, and yes, you need to make sure you protect yourself and your family. But consider that like buying a car. Get a New credit card, charge the attorney to it, and slowly pay it off. And make her pay and create as much of the bill as possible. It's her choice to go. Let her or her daddy pay for it. BTW, let her daddy know how much it is going to cost. He wants to support her, make sure he know how much it is really going to cost. Most people can be very supportive, as long as it doesn't cost them any real cash.

Ditto. That's why I said what I did in my post about her not wanting to be married to you. My ex was so incredibly immature, selfish, and childishly dependent it wasn't funny. And, contrary to the general public opinion that divorce ruins the kids, it wasn't the divorce that will have damaged my child so much as it was the marriage! The divorce has afforded her far more peace and opportunity to heal than before. In these kinds of cases, divorce only brings the problems that were already existent "to the table"---amplifying them, if you will---and it then becomes inevitable to ignore or deny them.

Lousyg . . . not a bad idea about putting the retainer on a credit card and then paying it off later. I say get this show "over" as quick as you can b/c you can't really pick up the pieces and move forward properly while still "joined at the hip."

Walt, you're taking this "like a man" and I think you're doing wonderfully with it. What you said about "stepping back" and looking at the situation now that your wife isn't in the picture so much perfectly described exactly what I went through after I left. (I'd already done YEARS' worth of thinking before then.) I turned around and looked behind me and, with mouth agape and eyes bulging, asked myself, "What in God's Name did I stay in that mess so long for?! How in the world could I have ever even been married to him?" He's not so amicable and has fought this tooth and nail, so I can't attest as to the congenial factor that you and your wife are experiencing. But you will marvel as you get farther up the road how you even "did this" this long and the freedom and peace only get stronger.

Good luck to you, Walt! You look great in your After pictures and you've done a wonderful job with yourself. Your second wife will love you for it! (And just think . . . you'll have your first marriage to "thank" for that!)

We'll check back to see how it's going . . . .

Katuschka

(And, btw, walkingthefield, some kinda acronym you have for yourself there! WTF?!?) :0

I know what you mean about the rush to file and get the ball rolling, but it really depends more on the sale of our second home. I have my reasons for waiting a bit though... none have anything to do with staying together.

It's now time for me to be patient and deliberate with my actions. My emotion is completely out of the picture.

I'm going on a fishing trip from November 8 - 11. She's going to Florida to visit her family with the kids. I'll do some thinking about the retainers and possibly get things going after that trip.

I'll keep you posted!

Oh, and I LOVE that acronym! Every time I see it I laugh a little.

Walt,

I told the FWW I want a D as well. The funny thing is she actually sent me the link that made me decide.

She cited DR. Phil saying I had quoted him before. Never looked at his site. But when I did it changed a lot.

First as a FWS you have to decide if you want to stay and work your butt off to make this M better. Paraphrasing. If not you have the responsibility to end the M. Basically you started it and if you are not commited to fixing it you need to end it.

Second. AS a BS you have the right at anytime after an A to say. I am tired and I am withdrawing my feelings from you etc.

So you have gotten to withdrawing your feelings because she is not working her butt off. Doesn't mean she isn't the one asking for a D. She is just not grown up enough to move forward.

I think you are doing great. Sooner or later you being fine with it might make her change. Not sure.

I am seeing some changes today from my declaration a week ago. She sees I am fine and will move on and she doesn't seem to be sitting with that as well as she says she will.

Yesterday afternoon and today was a "dark" time... Don't know why, but I seem to fare better when the wife is working at night and not around. When she's there, I start to think about things WAY too much.

I'm not wavering or anything... just having a bad day. I think I'm going to leave early from work and go fishing.