Here's a run down of this situation:

My DD(almost 18) wants to look up her biodad. He and I dated and were intimate up until the day I found out he was getting married (the next day); I was 7 1/2 months pregnant. The details of why/how I didn't know he was getting married are a long story and I can provide them if needed.

We have had NC since my H adopted DD six years ago. Before that, there was very little contact and no romantic contact. Up until now, DD hasn't wanted to contact her biodad and considers my H as her ONLY dad. She now wants to contact him to get more detailed medical history and lineage stuff.

I provided her what information I still have (adoption paperwork and such) and where his family was from. I told her that there would be NO contact with me and that she should do the research to find and contact him. I'm not angry about this, just a little taken aback (I should have expected it). Her biodad contacted me (allegedly with his wife's knowledge) about 10 yrs ago to tell me he and his wife had discussed the possibility of my DD looking them up.

I don't know what else to tell my DD. I do want her to proceed with caution and not inflict any more damage (than her biodad and I) put onto their marriage. She's also very curious about their 2 daughters.

Well, you need to discuss this with your own H to see how he feels about it as well. I say that maybe your H can contact his W and discuss it then in that way. If it's just medical stuff and lineage stuff, that can be provided by the w, right? If it's an actual relationship, then that's a different story and you will need to really make sure that there are boundaries and such before you move forward with this. Just as with every other major decision in a M, you need to work first with YOUR H via poja, then you can contact your DD's biodad's W and work with her. When he "allegedly" had permission 10 years ago, what was said? I feel that in your sitch, you need to continue to respect his w's feelings and your H's feelings, while still helping your DD with this time in her life.

Hope this was helpful.

Thank you for your reply. It's very helpful, though, I do want to clarify that I do NOT intend ANY contact between myself and DD's biodad; she is taking that on herself as possibly her first major task as an adult. You helped clarify whether to talk to my H about it or have DD talk to him. H is rather sensitive now as we're trying to recover from HIS indescretion. BTW, I have never betrayed my H; we met when my D was 5 yo. My H would probably balk at contacting the gentlewoman, but he does need to know that DD is attempting contact. I'm trying (or guide my DD) to tread lightly for all R's involved. Again, thank you for re-inforcing the need to share this with my H.

No problem. My H and I just reunited with our now 18 1/2 yo DD who was given up for adoption, so I understand some of the emotions involved with this situation. I wasn't sure on the whole situation, as to whether you were the betrayed or wayward. I was, however, thinking of the biodad's W's feelings, even though it sounds as if you DIDN'T know he was engaged, let alone just about M'd when you were in a relationship with him. Given the rest of the story, that does and doesn't have to do with this, I would say that you still talk with your H, but let your DD do the talking and contacting. You could help by getting her vital info and such, but keep contact to nothing for yourself. I'm sure her other sisters would love to know her, as did our 2 younger Ds And our son as well. It can be a very beautiful thing, as long as you keep to any boundaries you and H set forth. Good luck.

"It can be a very beautiful thing, as long as you keep to any boundaries you and H set forth."

Tigger put that well. I would just add that bio-dad and his wife have a right to put boundaries too, and I hope you can gently explain to DD that his wife could have some uncomfortable feelings with the fact biodad was cheating during the engagement, that they as a couple should decide how much and what type of contact they can handle, like adoption.

I hope your DD gets her questions answered and minimal hurt feelings. Best wishes on your marriage!

J

Tigger and Jenny,

Thank you both so much for your encouraging words. My DD has already drafted an e-mail to my H; she'll send tomorrow after I talk to him. (He's in the middle-east). Jenny- they wouldn't have to worry about adoption as my H already adopted her and she'll be 18 next week. She's interested in her half-siblings but is grossed out at the idea of a relationship with biodad.

You're welcome. I just meant that these no-contact situations are LIKE adoption. When bio-parent gives up contact, legally or not, it's tricky.

Even the half-sibs can be tricky. My uncle had an OC who his COM did not know about. The OC told her half-sibs at their high school---talk about shock!

Since half-sibs are younger than your DD, I'm thinking their parents will have some say in THAT contact as well.

My prayers for your DH's safety. Mine is deployed there also.

J
19y married
3 COM
1 OC, visitation

My concern would be the ages of the children of that marriage. Do they know of her?

His wife obviously knows of her, she could be real uneasy about this. I think an email from DD to bio dad is reasonable. Let him be the lead on how this will be handled within his family. He may be open, he may not be.

As for your own situation, you are handling it dead on correct. Your concern for your husbands feelings shows great compassion and empathy. However, in light of current stressors, maybe this isn't the greatest time to bring more in. If I understand correctly, your husband is out of the country right now, and you have been dealing with an indescretion? Is he in the military, off serving a tour? Have you dealt with, and is the indescretion totally in the past? Forgiven? If he is on a military tour, could this wait? I would hate for him to be feeling low when he needs all the love and support from home he can get.

As for your daughter, we met our oc. It went fine. He did not meet our children. If they choose to want to know him, that is up to them.

I just wanted to let you know that I chatted with H about this and explained that DD wanted to talk to him about it. He asked "Why?" and I explained that she may want to find out more about herself and resolve some issues and that she's angry about being "rejected" by her biodad (sperm donor as H call him).

DD e-mailed H and told him what/why she was seeking info and he mailed her back saying how much he loves her and would support her 100%. I thank the Lord for this wonderful, unique man who came into our lives!