I have been divorced for all of 2 weeks now. No word at all from xw. I took a week of vacation last week to do some things around the house and just generally goof off. All was Ok till the end of the week when I got terribly lonely and wanted my old life back. Not the old life with the A but the old life before she went crazy. I know I can't have it but still it makes me mad that now is the time when we could have had to be together just the 2 of us. So does anyone have suggestions as to how to deal with the loneliness?

Well, you've only been divorced 2 weeks, so have hope.

When I realized that there was nothing left of my marriage, I got busy doing things. Now I have so much going on that I can't keep up with it.

Looking back at what could have been is part of the grieving process. I know how you feel there. We finally had our kids raised, and this should have been the time to reward ourselves.

HINC,

Well, I have known more than a few people that have divorced and I seem to be knowing even more that have had their spouse pass away. It seems to be similar in many ways.

My recommendation is to do something for someone else. Join a church group that is "doing" something, volunteer at the local schools. Teach kids to play golf (I know you have the game <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> ). In short get on with life.

Here is something else to consider. Where do you want to be living in a year. You have a house, it has memories,some good, some not so good. Do you want to remain there? Does it suit your lifestyle now? Does it need remodeling?

Consider these things and more. Then give it a year to make decisions about the house. Don't do something rash, but start to plan, gather information (is there someplace else you would like to live?) do your homework. Get together with your children as much as you can, but do something "fun" with them.

HINC, the best medicine is laughter although I know you don't feel like laughing now, start each day with a smile, even if it is at yourself in the mirror.

As my old college football coach once YELLED at me: "Damn boy don't just stand there, do something wrong, right once in your life." In short, get moving and then see what happens you can always make a midcourse correction, but you have to be moving to make it.

I know this is tough, but I would leave you with one last quote. "A life well lived is the best revenge". Live your life with a smile, a generous heart, and some goals in your life, and I think you will find life will treat you well.

HINC, in many ways this is like a death, and usually it takes a year or so to really start to get out from under it.

So hang in there, do some smiling, and see if there is anyone out there that could use some help with their life.

God Bless,

JL

JL,

Very well said and put.

JL,
Thanks for the reply. Your right of course, I do need to get busy helping others. That always makes one feel better. As far as the house, i am staying put at least another 2 years for a couple of reasons. Young son that is away at college, I want him to be able to come home. His home is here at this house. Another reason is I can't even think of leaving this area for another 2 years due to getting medical coverage from my company. Besides, although the house is not paid for, I had to refinance due to the divorce, it is not terrible expensive to live here. When it's time to retire, i want to move to another part of the country and dwon size.

Thanks for your calm and steady voice to me and others on this board.

Boy....do I know how you feel. Mine was final 7/21 after 2 1/2 years of many, returns and move outs etc. She was here last weekend and tugged the crap out of my heart strings.

Today I spent the day cleaning up the remains of her belongings.

I was doing kinda well....til yesterday I also moved my son into his college dorm.

Thanks folks for the info you gave hopeful....I'm heading to church in the morning. I also need hope that it's going to get better.

HINC,

Good idea about your son and a place to call home. If you are looking two years out, then start to plan for that. But, remember "Live is what happens while we are making plans." <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

So be flexible, but look outward for the rest of your life. You have no idea what will happen, but I would guess it will be good things.

God Bless,

JL

If you're feeling lonely get out and get active. A church group if you're into it, maybe a hiking group if you're into hiking, etc. When I'm feeling down any human contact seems to help, esp of there are smiles and laughs involved.

I went through this right after the divorce. I have been divorced for 4 years now. I started doing things...and became very active in my church. I was going through pain and suffering from rotator cuff surgery and whiplash injuries from the eX. So while I was recooperating...I joined an art class and I started in a book club. I was exercising and walking everyday with 2 dogs and talking to God and laying out my hurt and pain to God on the walking trip. I became firm and loved my healthy strong body. I went on a few trips...with a close family member and she knew I was short on $$. She helped me out and I had a great time. Yes...there was the crying in the hotel...where she cried of her loss of her husband by death and I loss of my husband by betrayal. We cried and then laughed the same night.

You say you will stay for about 2 years. That is good, and now you can repaint some of the rooms needing refreshing and repairing what needs reapiring. My ex left me with a house that was not finished. We built it and he left it about 65% undone. I started working on one room at a time and working through each of the rooms. Still have quite a bit to do...but during that time I built a garage to put the house on the market this spring. My son told me that I needed to compete with the new subdivision next to me...for I live in the rural area. I have spent many hours on the garage as well. I polished up most of the yard...my ex left stuff all over the yard...big piles of dirt and I had them leveled off and put grass seed down. I planted some trees (maple) out of the woods and have watched them grow with their new placement.

I, also, went back to school parttime with 1st step. For I was abused and was under the care of 1st step for abused woman. They got me into the University and I was taking classes. Then over a year ago, I went to school fulltime and now I am taking more classes to get my BS. I joined a book club and read. I worked parttime at my church in the daycare center. I cleaned stalls for the horse barn facility down the street. I cleaned fields of twigs, branches, and such for another person through the horse barn referral. I even took care of an elderly woman through word of mouth. I was making ends meet and able to do the things to improve myself and get away from the tears and loneliness.

I even started dating....and now I am dating a very special friend. I dated 4 other men...and I saw Red Flags, ended the relationships. This man that I am dating is a very nice christian man and he loves life.

You will get a new life. The old will never leave your soul. But you need to let that part of your life sit on the shelf and you need to move forward. Have you ever thought about taking a course or doing something that you always wanted to do? Like the art class...I always wanted to take art...and I sold my finished products for $$.

Life does go on and in the long run most of the time it turns out beautifully.

Trust in the Lord....Pray....and I will pray for you and your healing....Blessings.

Sometimes, I get angry at my exwife because this was supposed to be the time when she and I would have together with out the pressure of raising children and it makes me angry that I don't get to share this "free" time with her. It also makes me sad to not be able to do things alone as a couple too.

hopeful in nc,

a couple of points to remember,

Your wound will heal, unless you keep picking at it. .
In time, this will pass also.
The future is uncertain, only you can decide what your future might be.

get or continue with some counseling. .

wiftty

HINC said:
I'm in the same boat, and it's 18 months post-divorce and 5 years post-separation. I don't think about it as much, but I still have moments of this type of thinking. We've worked decades to get to this point in our lives, to have it taken away by our selfish spouses. But time does heal all wounds, and I'm looking forward (instead of backwards) more and more each day. I'm sure your hurt will lessen, too. There is some great advice in this thread for all of us.

Travel.

It's a big ol' world out there. Book passage to someplace, maybe a tour, and go.

Take pictures. Keep a journal. Along the way, you may meet a new friend.