I am reposting this here as I put it in the wrong thread.

Hi everyone. Boy am I glad this site exists! I will attempt to give you the run-down of why I'm spinning out of control...

My husband and I have been married 8yrs...1yr was separated. That was from January '05- November '05. Of course, we didn't think we would get back together. We thought we were done and over with. We were headed for divorce.

I have a few issues regarding my ability to conceive. We've been trying since we got together...no success. Here's my source of jealousy, anger, rage, and depression...

During our separation we began to see other people...and the person he was seeing got PREGNANT! The child is now 3mos old!

I am so jealous, and angry, and hurt, and depressed that the mere thought brings me to tears and I'm extremely emotional and crazy! I knew she was pregnant when I took him back, but at the time I thought I could deal with this...we were't together at the time...he didn't cheat on me...he came crawling back to me...he realizes his mistake in leaving and wants me back.

So, why am I feeling this way? How can I ditch the pain so I can be a good StepMom?

Can anyone shed some light??? OMG I'm going so nuts with this. We haven't met the child yet...my stomach is in knots when I think about that first meeting!!

I wish the tears would stop...I wish I could just die sometimes. Anyone??

Kor

Kor, welcome to MB. Hon, you cannot shed the pain. You must work through it. Have the two of you been to MC? Are you getting help for your trouble conceiving? Has your H seen the child yet? How does the OW feel about contact? Has DNA been established?

See there are lots of questions, I am afraid. The most important thing right now is for you and your H to work on your marriage before you decide to integrate this child into your lives. My guess is once you do, you will fall in love with this child and it won't matter to you that it is not physically your child.

hi korlis,

sorry you have to be here but glad you are here. there are many around that can help.

my sitch is same as yours as we were also seperated. as ff said have you gotten dna, no matter whay first and formost get dna. our oc [other child] is almost 5 months old, we are awaiting results of dna test, due any day. its been three weeks now.

i understand about the crying, i can be at peace for awile and then i crack, have mood swings,ill be angry or ill be cring. its all normal.

but for you , id think your also grieving not being able to have your own.that is probably alot of what your feeling, another woman is having your husbands baby that you wanted. that is very hard. allow yourself time to grieve.

also trust god, we dont know what is plans are, but he will take care of all. after you have allowed time, you will be a great step mom if you want that. but first get dna. its in best interest of all involved.

for me, i dont see how oc couldnt be my h. but ive watched to many shows that the dad wasnt really the dad even though ow claimed he was the only man she slept with. we also want to be sure.

remember its in gods hands and he has a plan no matter the outcome.ill be praying for you.

by the way has your h seen oc yet. how is ow reacting towards you both is she wanting you to be involved or to stay away. our ow wouldnt let h see oc unless he signed paper saying its his and also started paying cs wouldnt even send him a picture. anyway come as often as you need too, imtswife

I went through the same type of grief - not because my husband got another woman pregnant, but because I miscarried, and a relative who was as immature, "dramatic" and as lost as souls get just keeps cranking them out - and I wondered why God saw fit to let her be the mother, and not me - who spent years studying, preparing, and planning to be the best mother possible, overcoming FOO issues, bad role-modeling, and the works.

That first pregnancy that this girl had was the same time as mine - and my body couldn't keep the baby alive to term...

And then it happened again - it was so in-my-face.

There are grief centers for women who are dealing with infertility - have you checked those out?

Faithful: The pain seems unsheddable, that's for sure. Although, there are days where I'm so pumped up with the 'trooper' attitude, those days are rare. I'm feeling okay today...been VERY emotional lately. I think it may be a mixture of my situation and the depo shot. I'm on treatments for progestins for 3mos because I had a D&C on 7/5/06 and it came back that I have Complex Endometrial Hyperplasia w/o Atypia. No cancer cells, but it could upgrade...so I'm in danger of losing my uterus and ALL child-bearing potential! I'm so angry and hurt. You guys have made it better though...just being able to tell you all and get your responses does help in it's own way. Thank you for being understanding.

Imtswife: You are in the same boat as I am, and I thank you whole-heartedly for sharing your story. I would like to speak with you more often if at all possible. Perhaps on some sort of messenger or the telephone? Whatever you're comfortable with, but I think with the OC's being so close in age and our situations so similar that we can help each other for a pretty long time...getting over those tough times, venting about the OW and even our DH's. Let me know if you're okay with this extended form of communcation, ok? And yes...being unable to conceive without loads of medical help is the major source of my pain...that should have been me...having a child with MY husband...not that b*tch! I'm so hurt and so pissed off I could just crack any moment! .... breathing now LOL. As far as paternity, we're both positive it's his. I don't even need the proof. I already know. Thank you for your support and prayers.

KaylaAndy: That is my biggest pet-peeve these days! I have a friend that has a son...but has been pregnant well over 8x...one is surviving, one was miscarried, the others...aborted! It so pisses me off when girls get pregnant so easily and not wanting the children whereas here we are wanting them and not even getting close. We've been trying since 1998 and we're not stopping now. I just hope after my follow-up D&C we are cleared to go...if I lose my uterus it will destroy me. I haven't found any grief centers for women dealing with infertility, but I would definetly be interested in finding out about them. Thank you.

As for me today...been a little down lately. Meeting the OW and the OC is emotionally exhausting me. We haven't met the OC yet. I'm so terrified of what will happen, and so terified of what will come about next. Keep the advice coming ladies...

Korlis

When did you find out? after birth or during pregnancy?

hi glad your here



just keep coming back, this is a good place to let it out. i know exactly wht you mean about it being exhausting. were expecting results any day, we were to be with our pastor and his wife when results are read. i feel i will need them. unfortunitly they are out of town for a week. so im scared to check the mail. i may wait to check untill they get back.

what makes you so sure oc is your h. i would still urge you to get test just to be sure.
there is someone in these forums that believed oc was her h also, turned out it wasnt. please please get dna. i feel its my h cause i kept a journal during that time. i knew how far along she was cause i went to her ultra sound with her. so i went back according to due date and the time of conception i had seen them together that day, so i dont see how it cant be his. but untill i have proof there is always hope. one of her friends also told us we should do dna wouldnt say why, just she had reason to believe we should. i am hoping its not his. but believe it or not i have already been grieving that it isnt his, as if it waqs my baby i lost. yet i dont want it to be his. its crazy, but thats how it is sometimes.

i dont mind at all talking to you, what time zone are you in. im sure we do have alot in common. ill give you my email, well start with that. gsb5105@yahoo.com

dont give up on having baby, my sister in law had one chld then kept tring for another. never could get preg again, so she got fertility help and finally when her first was 16 she had another. later when her baby was 7, he had lazer stuff done to get rid of kiddney stones, well guess what after that she ended up pregnant she and my brother r in there 40s they have a grandchild, and now a new baby. so you just never know.

well take care of yourself, you will get through this.

imtswife

I knew while we were separated through his family that the girl he was with was pregnant. But I didn't care at all...matter of fact I was happy for them. (Wierd I know...) But the mindset I was in was basically that we were through...he didn't do anything wrong...after our divorce he will marry this girl and be happy. But...then he called me, this was Nov. 3rd. He asked me about the vehicle we had bought together and he wanted to sell it. I gave it to him after I purchased my SUV and because at the time it was an emotional tie, I told him to take it. So, he wanted to sell it, but he needed my signature as the paperwork showed us both on it. I told him that would be fine...and just when I thought the phone conversation was gonna end, he says, "So, how have you been?" And it went from there...we talked for 5hrs that night. It felt like the beginning...when we first got together, that excited, happy feeling took over the both of us again, and we realized we were still madly in love with each other. He told me he wasn't happy in his situation and he made a huge mistake and he wanted me back and to make the marriage work. I was reluctant of course because I was in the, "I'm strong and I will fight you on this." stage, but...I lost. I WAS still in love with him, and he was too.

I knew she was pregnant, but I thought I could deal with it. I figured since I was ok with it then, I'd be ok as time went on and we got back together. But then...I allowed my heart to feel again, and my infertility issues stab me more and more everyday when I think about that woman having a child that should have been mine!

I think that's where the problem lies.

I am curious about how you all think...here is what I tell myself to keep my sanity (somewhat)

a. He is extremely remorseful and is very much in love with me.

b. Things happen for a reason, and it's not up to us to understand why all the time.

c. I am the love of his life, he came crawling back to me, and definitely learned his lesson.

d. This child doesn't have his last name...our children will!

e. We WILL have a family of our own someday!

f. H says I am MOM in our home! I am the queen of my castle, and I will be a major force in her life...the OW will NOT have any control over our lives.

The list goes on and on really, but I won't bore you with all the details. But I literally tell myself these things when I'm feeling down. What do you all do? I'd be curious to know and to maybe adopt some other methods of coping.

I think I've said enough for now LOL...I will definitely email you IMTSWIFE. Cordelia...I've answered your question above. Let me know if you have any other questions for me.

Thank you all for the support...I believe I'm on the road to healing, but I'm still at the beginning. Thanks again!

Korlis

Sounds like your H is doing all the right things. Keep working on making your M stronger and pray for your future children.

I know of several boards taht deal with this. I use to moderate one years ago before I had my twins. If interested I can point you in the right direction. They saved my life through the pain of infertittly!

OMG! Thank you! Please let me know!! Thank you so much.

K

Yes. Actually I also have PCOS. I was diagnosed April 2002. It hasn't been determined with insulin resistance, but I'm pretty sure that's involved as well.

I was put on Metformin in Jan. 06 to help with the resistance. Then March '06 I started taking Clomid/Met combo. I ovulated one time in April, but didn't take of course. Then in May I missed my period...was estatic thinking it worked in April...but all pg tests were neg <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />. Then in June I began to have major abnormal uterine bleeding...I bled the ENTIRE month of June AND it wasn't letting up even when July hit. It was so horrible and heavy...and painful.

So, I called my OB/GYN and she scheduled me for a D&C. I had that performed on July 5th. Got the results two weeks later and found that I had developed Endometrial Hyperplasia w/o Atypia. The no atypia was a blessing because that meant no cancer...but that I was at risk to upgrade to cancer.

So, that kicked me out of the TTC game. I was placed on the depo-provera shot to try to shrink it. One shot (very high dosage) for three months...my third is 9/18/06. Then I will do another follow-up D&C to see if it improved or worsened.

I'm so scared! If I lose my uterus I just know that will be the end of my world. What a horrible thing for a woman to lose! I'm terrified. I hope this treatment worked...

But those are my fertility issues...

Also, I'm a member of Soulcysters. Wonderful place <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

And congrats to you and your miracle! What a blessing indeed! I cannot wait until I can join you in that bliss.

Another problem now...Hubby is going into truck driving...his schooling is 3wks in classroom 4wks over the road with a trainer...that's 7wks before I will see him even one time...and THEN when he gets his own truck I MIGHT see him twice a month! So, even if I do regulate and ovulate normally how in the H3LL can I get pregnant without him home?

I'm a stress ball... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Kor

I'm sending you an email <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />