Hi everyone-

Be forewarned, I am in a bad, sad, who knows what kind of mood. The worst part of it is that I am primarily to blame. My XBF is still calling and texting me, he has even shown up here a couple of times. The problem, I can't bring myself to cut contact completely.

In the past few weeks things have intensified and he has called me some totally vile things, put down most everything about me, made multiple accusations (none of them true, muchless even founded), and made numerous threats (to move on, move out of town, etc.). Through it all I have finally begun to stand my ground. Now that he finally seems to be accepting that I am serious, he is offering me the world and promising multiple changes, but it is all talk. He refuses counseling and reverts to old tactics when conversations don't go his way. At this point I always hang up or don't reply, but he always calls or texts back later because I let him. Why am I so weak that I don't just refuse to answer?

Everyone who knows me, including my counselor says I need to cut all contact and many people including my counselor are concerned about what he might do if and when I finally do that. I have read multiple books and they all say the same. I consider myself intelligent and rational, yet I am continuing to allow this.

Has anyone done anything similar? How did you eventually get up the courage to end things?

Any input no matter how harsh is greatly appreciated.

Thanks for listening.

Take care and God bless!

K

Still~

I'm sorry to hear you are going through this pain and anguish.

I can't say that I entirely understand your circumstance because I've not lived what you are living.

The only thing I can say is, for me, the only way I could break the "spell" with my xbf was total no contact.
The big difference between you and I, we had zero contact with each other, on both sides.

You are not totally to blame in this.
A person would almost need to be made of stone to be able to completely cut someone out of their life. With him continuing to contact you, it's virtually impossible to do this.

Please be safe concerning him, and continue to let those around you know what he is saying.
I'm concerned for you.

Thinking of you,

K!

Thinking of you and wishing you a better day, and life!

This too shall pass.

Until you cut off contact with him completely, the same awful behaviour on his part will more than likely continue. Every time he gets a small or large reaction and some contact from you in response to his horrific behaviour, he gets reinforcement that it is working, and is therefore encouraged to continue. It is your right to cut off contact with this man and go on with your life.

My ex seemed to prefer contact where he could put me down and use me as a punching doll emotionally, but that he could keep around for sex. It's a bit of a sick kind of control thing. They don't want to lose you, because that would mean losing control of the situation. It's not that they love you so much they want to be with you and treat you well.

Get call display if you don't already have it, and stop answering his calls and texts. Begin documenting when he calls and texts you, and God forbid, shows up at your residence (don't let him in if he does). Worst case scenario, if he doesn't start to get the point, you may need to involve the police and file for a restraining order.

I wish you strength as you try to cut all ties from this man.

Jen:)

Thanks for the support ladies. It really helps. The hardest part is cutting him out when he won't go away. I have been out of town quite a bit lately and that has helped a lot.

Somewhere in the last week or so something seems to have clicked and he finally seems to realize that things are really over, so now the calls and texts have switched from angry, demanding, and demeaning to calm, loving, and pleading, saying he can't make it without me and is willing to do anything for me to give him another chance. Funny that anything doesn't however include counseling!

I don't know, I have read so much, have the support of family and friends, and my counselor has helped immensely, but I still feel so badly. It would be so much easier if he would just go away, but that isn't happening.

So for now I will plug along one day at a time. I am working on setting boundaries and on doing stuff for me for a change- something I am finding to be very fun! I am sleeping better overall and a lot less stressed.

Thanks for caring!

Take care and God bless!

K

Still Reeling,

Sounds like you have a pretty good head on your shoulders. Boundaries are a must. They may be hard to stick to, but you can do it. I didn't even know what boundaries were until about 9 yrs ago. I couldn't say no to anybody. I felt like I owed them all my life. Boy was I messed up.

I know what you are going through. You described my last relationship to a T. He keeps on contacting me even though we're through. We've broken up before with him coming back just like your bf. Everything would go great for a couple of days, then he would get comfortable and start the old stuff again. This time it isn't hard to just not answer the phone though or even a text unless it's to say "LEAVE ME ALONE!!" Even those of us who have a hard time saying no have a point when enough is enough.

Good luck!! Best Wishes!! Hang in there, you can do it!!

Becki

Well it's been 34 hours of absolutely no contact and I have been on an emotional roller coaster all day. Although I am at peace and know this is for the best since I just want this to be done, there is a small part of me that is really feeling horrible that he actually is leaving me alone. I feel like I am losing my mind. Why would I want him to call? How sick is that?

He had called yesterday with an invitation that he obviously thought I couldn't or wouldn't resist, but when I held firm to my boundaries he flew into a rage. At this point I reaffirmed to him that I was done and that he needed to totally move on: no more calls, texts, or stopping by. He told me he was sick of trying when I couldn't care less and that he was the one who was done. Who knows, he is so into controlling that maybe he really needs to think he is the one who is done.

Part of me thinks he is just staying away to drive me crazy. He knows I have my kids this weekend and will be pretty much staying home doing Mom things so I think he wants me to wonder where he is, who is with, and what he is doing. He knows my kids leave for a week on Monday so it will be interesting to see what happens then.

My counselor thinks from his actions that I should be on guard as she thinks thinks things will escalate when I really cut him off. So far nothing, but what if she is right?

I so wish things were different!

Take care and God bless!

K

Try to see his behavior in a different way. For example, calling you vile things; he's got uncontrolled anger, he puts you down; he lacks confidence & puts others down to make himself feel powerful, he makes threats; he's a "drama queen"; he tells you what you want to hear not meaning a word of it; he's a manipulator & he lies, your councelor fears what he might do; he's has potential for violence.

Not looking like the catch of the day.

One question though. You say 34 hours without contact yet he called yeaterday & he flew into a rage. Was that all on a machine & his rage because you didn't answer?

nams-

You are so right about everything you say about him and no he definitely isn't the catch of the day! I am finally beginning to realize this even though friends and acquaintances have been telling me that for quite some time. Of course I figured they were only saying it to be nice, but that is just because he has bashed my self esteem so. The truth is that I haven't bared the worst about him to anyone, including my counselor and I can't understand why. I guess it is because I feel so stupid for sticking with him after some of the things he did and I just don't want anyone to know.

I said 34 hours no contact because the last conversation I had with him had taken place on Friday, but it had been 34 hours since then when I posted last night. Can you tell I am clock watching or what? Well it has now been 44 hours and I am still doing ok.

As for your question on RMW's thread, I too fought tooth and nail to save my marriage. Thank God my XH was thoroughly engulfed in his A and would have no part of reconciliation! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> I no longer have any thoughts of reconciliation, but would have to say that if the subject of my divorce was brought up by someone I was seeing I would tell the truth. I have to think that the right man would see your effort in saving the marriage a good thing. To me marriage is sacred and should be fought for. So unless you are lying to yourself and you really hope to get your marriage back, I would say you just haven't met the right guy yet. Let's hope he's out there for both of us and quite a few of our fellow MB friends! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Thanks for the support!

Take care and God bless!

K