[color:"blue"] Always [/color] said:
Nowadays it's become so much more common for women to date younger men. It's on TV (because celebrities are doing it), and it's in major women's magazines as if it's either a rite of passage or the "item du jour".

From a woman's perspective, it's a lot more interesting and "cooler" to date a guy who's younger. It validates the older woman. From that younger guy's perspective, he would really need to be OK with it, because people our age (I'm close to your age, BTW) are still kind of using the "old mindset". I don't think it's prejudice, I personally think it's understandable. But you don't know what you might be missing by keeping to a strict numerical parameter.

But you still have to deal with the lie, and the perpetuation thereof...

If you are questioning yourself then I would say that it's a little more than a preference. It seems to be more of a need.

But...now we're getting to the meat of the matter. It seems as though YOUR age issue might weigh a little heavier on you than the lie.

Call her on the lie and put your issues on the table.
She lied, you snooped, she's busted.
She can break up with you for snooping.
You can break up with her for lying and/or age preference.
She can break up with you because she considers your age preference shallow and narrow minded. ( I made that up...I don't know if she does.)
You can blow it off as "No biggie but if our relationship is going to last, we have to be honest with each other."

Then do whatever you do after you make up. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

ba109,

I wouldn't exactly equate my "snooping" (if you can even call it that) with her not telling the truth. In fact, it doesn't even come close.

All I did to find out her actual age was to do a people search on the internet. I didn't even have to pay for that part, the info was free for anyone that wanted it.

[color:"blue"] Always [/color] - Have you talked to her about it yet? If so, how did it go?

Not yet. Like I said, it's a long distance relationship. We did talk Sunday night by phone and usually do every few days or so. That night things were still somewhat fresh in my mind and I wanted to give it a few days, so it wasn't mentioned.

I'm starting to see this relationship in a new light. I don't think things are going to work out and that hurts because we've put a lot of time (nine months) into this. Neither one of us has ever uttered those three magic words and even though our time together is limited, I believe we should have been that far by now. She goes to school full time (4 classes a week)and works taking care of the mentally retarded in a group home about 50 hours a week. She also babysits her granddaughter two days a week. She's a wonderful cook and has even run some meals up to my mother during her recent heart surgery. In other words, the woman is a saint (and also doesn't sleep much). But the right feeling just isn't there on my end and this recent turn of events seems like the clincher.

I'll see her Friday night, but probably won't talk to her about it then because she is throwing a party for her twin son and daughter's birthday. Frankly, I'm really not sure how to do this yet. I feel like a real heel... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Maybe you just want out?

If my BF said something that didn’t make sense, I’d ask him about it right away. For example, in your case, I would have looked at my GF and said, “Hey, I didn’t know you could get senior citizen accounts at 49? How’d you do it?” I wouldn’t have gone the complicated back way of calling the bank, then searching the Internet, unless I had reason not to trust the person.

I also think running a criminal background check on someone you’ve dated for 10 months is as likely to hurt the relationship as lying about her age for ten months.

Basically, by lying to you, she said “I don’t trust you to like me as I am” and by doing a background check on her, you said, “I don’t trust that the person I dated for the last ten months is the real you. You could have been faking.”

Why do you feel like a heel?

You say the right feeling just isn't there on your end. Was it for the months prior to finding out her real age?

You know what? I'm starting to feel like it wasn't. We were attracted to each other at first, and with seeing each other on the average of only once a week maybe thought things would just develop if we gave it time. Neither of us was in a hurry and both had busy schedules. Everything just seemed to fit.

I guess I'm feeling like a heel because of all the time and feelings she put into the relationship.

You think then that she has significant feelings for you?

Have you suspected this for a while?

I appreciate your viewpoint, especially the last statement. My performing that criminal check was a knee jerk reaction and probably a little extreme. There were some other developments in her recent past that contributed to me doing this. She had told me that shortly before she met me she had a physical altercation with her daughter's boyfriend. The police were actually involved. According to her, it was all his doing. When I found out about her lying about her age I guess it just added fuel to my fire. Everything did check out and I felt absolutely terrible that I had done this.

You're also correct that I should have asked her about the age thing right away. For some reason, it didn't strike me that fast...

I don't agree with what she did, I will be 43 in October, J is 38. People say they are shocked when they find out my age but I wonder if I'll always look young. Will it catch up? Anyway, I never lied to J. I let him decide whether he wanted to fall for someone older or not. He chose to on his own. She took that part away from you. That would make me very upset with her too.

Once a friend pointed out a man's profile on Match.com. It stated his age at 35 then when you opened his profile he wrote, "Okay, I am really not 35, I am 45 but I want to date someone under 35 and to get most girls attention under this age to see my profile I had to lie."

That is a BIG red flag to me. If I were a girl under 35, I would run. I've seen that personality before, justify a lie with a reason. "I had to lie or you wouldn't let me buy it." "I had to lie or you would be mad at me". "I had to lie or you wouldn't let me go." "I had to lie or you would break up with me." Those types of people will always justify their lie and the reason, "They had to lie to get their way." "They had to lie to take away your choice of whether you want to me married to them or still date them."

Any way, good luck with your talk.
Anna