I want to know if the concerns of the OM are welcome for discussion here. i Feel bad enough as it is for being the OM, but i would like to tell my story to those who are better at relationships than me and have been there because i need help in making the right choice in either stepping away from it or pursueing a woman i love very much despite her boyfriend (they are yet to be engaged or married, but do live togehter).

If my pain and hurt are unwelcome and scorned by all, then i will jsut apoligize to you all now for askign for help, i wil have to look for help from other places then.

But the story is very much in depth and complicated as many are about this topic, so i do wish i could be listened to by someone before being yelled at for being the OM, i'm not a bad guy i didnt do it on purpose, i jsut dont have anyone to help me cause its getting very hard for me.

Please let me tell my story so i can try to make it right for all 3 of us.

thank you

I dont want to say my whole story cause i'm afraid, i just dont know where else to turn, and i already feel like an outcast for just putting myself in this kind of position, but i've always been one to put love in front of everything and i just feel like i'm gogin to explode if i dont talk about it an i cant talk to my friends because i dont want them to know or find out because i'm afraid i will ruin her relationship with her boyfriend.

I love her so very much and i have for a long time, i want to be able to make her happy in every way, they way she makes me when we are together, but i want to do that in a relationship and be her lover and friend. She continues to tell me that, i knew how it was to start with, and that i said i didnt mind, that she cant leave him, and if her and I are meant to be we will be.

When i hear these things i jsut cant be mad at her, i can see it in her eyes, and hte way she holds me on the couch watchign tv, i've been in long term relationships before, and engaged not to long ago, and even my ex fiance never held me like that, or touched me as soft. I dont understand how she can love me the way she does and not leave him. i wanan know what he has that i dont, why she cant leave him. Everytime we talk about it she gets upset(understnably) but it always seems like hes an obligation more than someone shes deeply in love with. Because they have been together for 2 years and living together for almsot 18 months.

His mom recently died and he has no other close family, and she always says i cant leave him he doesnt have anyone, but he thats the only reason i have to see her with someone she feels she HAS to be with becuase he cant pick himself up, thats not fair to her either.

If i had faith he'd make her happy i'd walk away, but she calls me everyday, i see her everyday, she is in my arms everyday, if he could make her happy in the same way i jsut feel like she would let him.

She is young, shes only 19, and it worries me that she is doign the same thing i did when i was that age. I was engaged because i was in love young in High school, and it took 3 years for us to realize we didnt have enough of the basic emotional needs to statisfy each other and broke up mutually, we are still friends. i am now 21, over a year removed and wiser because of it i hope.

I keep feeling like she is letting herself do the same, and i want her to realize it so she doesnt have to go through the pain i did. and i want to be there for her when she does because we do have many of the things that couples dream of. So many of the emotional needs and the love bank and all the stuff i've read in my limited time on this site about a good marriage i've experinced with this girl and i feel like she could make me happy forever, adn that i would make her just as happy.

But if he can make her happy the way i feel i can i dont want to be in the way anymore, he hasnt in 6 months since her and i have been seeing each other as more than friends...and i'm afraid he never will.

Elbarto,

He won't be able to make her happy as long as you're in the picture. She's not doing him any favors by staying with him AND betraying him. She'll do the same thing to you, too down the road.

You cannot build a relationship built on dishonesty. It's not love...it's infatuation! It feels good and is even more fueled by the excitement of secrecy. It won't feel very good when you're in her boyfriend's shoes a couple years down the road when the excitement wears off.

You would be doing yourself a great big favor if you left and never looked back. Find a NICE young lady who is honest with you and herself, who isn't in a committed relationship.

And please listen to the veterans here, they know what they're talking about.

You may not wish to hear it but so often it is oh so true:
If they will cheat with you....they will cheat on you!

Elbarto, welcome to MB. I hope that posters here can help you.

Compared to many of us, you are both very young. You have time on your side, and you can afford to wait for a better situation. Call it off with this girl, saying that you will no longer permit yourself to be the OM. If she gives up the other guy, then great. If not, then keep looking. Do not agree to be her friend, as that will likely just keep the affair going.

Note that if she does give the other guy up for you, you will need to be very vigilant that she does not go back to him - she must cut off all contact entirely. You will have to put in place measures to ensure that she does not stray with him or someone else. Is this worth it to you?

I dunno, seeing as how young we are i have always felt that its not something i should risk, that i'm sure someone else is out there. Shes been with him most of her dating life, he's really the first boyfriend her family knows about, ya know the first one that really counts, i've had that too but it doesnt always work out.

Being the OM when you're in love is not an easy thing to do. OOf course it didnt start that way, i met her and we were jsut friends a few months after my fiance left, it took a few months and me having 5 or 6 girls on and off for us to become physical with each other.

Since then i've been with her everyday, with almost no exageration. And i hate it when shes not in my life. But how many times am i goign to have to hear, "baby i love you and day dream about you all day, even when i'm with him" that touches me deeply and make it so hard to walk away, especially after we had come to an agreement(mostly her idea) that she wasnt goign to leave him.

I just am so insecure sometimes that i dont want to step away sayign i need everything, cause she wont come with me and i'm very hurt from the last time i stuck my neck out for love, i sometimes jsut would rather go with the flow and ignore my feelings to prevent more heart ache from loosing a woman i love.

Her BF needs to know what is going on. How would you feel if it was your GF that was carrying on behind your back with someone else and saying the same things?

Man up. Inform the BF and walk away from this mess before it gets any worse.

i can't do that, he's a frail man. His mother died recently and he has no one else in his life. She and i are honestly worried about his mental health if she wasnt in his life.

I would not count him out of tryign to kill himself if he ever found out, he has nothing else in his life right now. At least just after his mom died that was the situation, before that she contemplated leaving him not 4 months ago.

Now that i think about it, it has been goging better for himself personally since he got the life insurance check for like $250,000. And the most upset i've been with her was when all she could think about was the new car she was gonan get, sounded like a money grubbing ****** and really pissed me off, we havent talked about it since then, our relationship or her boyfriend, which was about a week ago.

Elbarto, try putting yourself in her BF's place. Would you really feel better if you find out months later that your GF was lying to you and cheating on you during one of your most depressing times?

Elbarto, you need to get out of their lives. Man up, and get out.

I have try to step away in the past, but i'm a softy, it only 2 took attempts from her to make me come back, maybe i'm just pathetic when it comes to this stuff, but he hasnt been the man she needs, and i'm sorry he's too immature and doesnt know what a woman needs in a relationship, i cant stand to see her unhappy with her relationship. Maybe you under estimate the emotional connection and attachment between us, but i assure you sir that i would not be in this relationship if it was just about sex or something like that, this woman is unhappy with her life and wanteda change, and now that i offer it too her shes afraid, you're telling me give up on it and walk away bcause i may hurt someone elses feelings...what about my feelings or her feelings. Shes has made it perfrectly clear she does not want me to leave her life.

Hi Elbarto-

Think of it this way- in the context of your feelings:

She is cheating on her boyfriend. With you.

If she left him and stayed with you, you'd always worry that she will cheat on YOU with someone else. And that would be a valid concern.

She is dishonest. She is having her cake and eating it too. She is selfish. She's using you.

I'm sorry if this sounds harsh. She's young and probably does not intend to hurt anyone. But she will, if she continues this type of life.

Find someone else Elbarto, or leave her and wait from afar to see if she will leave her boyfriend. Do not continue as you are- you'll regret it.

Good luck.

You are living in an illusion.

Take steps to break out of that illusion.

If she is unhappy and wanted change, cheating on and lying to her BF is not the most ethical way of getting the changes that she wants, now is it?

Man up, and walk away until she makes a decision about who she wants in her life. Even then, I'd advise to continue walking, as this woman has already demonstrated to you that she would lie to and deceive in the worst possible way those that are closest to her.

i do see that side, very much so, buts it is ahrd to walk away like that, i'm not good at makign a stand, i try to go with the flow and let it be. non confrontational and such, but came here to see if anyone thought the OM might be the best choice...obviously tearing apart a young girl because of her confusion is what you'd prefer to do based on hte little information i gave you, you've read all the stuff on this website...not every instance is all the same, not everyone one who cheats will cheat again and the obvious way is nto all ways the best way

i probably will give her an ultimatem...but what kind of lover would make the person they love be with them, i'm sorry i cant do that, she comes to me to feel better about her self and her life and to be happy, i refuse to bring negativity to her already hard life, i'm not sure how many of you lived on your own at 16, and had no parental figures while growing up, but i guess i live in an illusion because you say so from you 2000 characters of information you have.

I've read more about peoples lives and still not understood them in autobiographies but you seem to understand her with just one simple situation and i really think its completely unfair of you to say it that way.

That's typically referred to as "conflict avoidance".



What do affect do you think your A is having on her now? She is being forced to continue a life of lies and deception in order to keep her addiction going - because that's what an A is: an addiction. Do you understand the effect this can have on a person?



The situation is really quite simple - two persons carrying something that involves lies and deception and would eventually lead to someone being very hurt, be it the betrayed BF, the girl, or yourself, or all three of you. Could that really be love at work? Really?

Man up, and extract yourself from that situation.

Hey Elbarto
It's me, the one who recommended you this site.

I do understand how you feel.

Although all situations seem to be different, in the core they are all the same. A triangle made out of selfish and bad choices, whatever the reasosn they cause it.
That is what we try to fix here. Fis yourself at least so you can make a smart and very well informed desicion, regardless of the feelings you might have.

I think this is still a lot of information to comprehend the full meaning of what an affair is.

Like I said you are now the OM and you will not get a very good responce here, remember this is a MB site. People will try to help you make your mind, whatever that is.

For all that think that once a cheater always a cheater, I don't know why you are here, if you are not trying to fix things. If that was the case, then this site wouldn't exists and all A's would en in break ups, no recovery, nothing left to do just walk away.
But I think this is not of what is about.
Is about understanding and trying to take out the best of you.

With you Elbarto, I understand what is to have feeling for someone. And those made you mind cloud.
You love this lady with all your heart and you are ripped appart because she can't be with you and only you. That you have to share it.

The answer you got about her having a car out of a inheritance that was not even hers, sounded very selfish, still let's remember FS is a very powerfull need.

Right now, all the ones that have the full shot are you guys, her BF doesn't know about you and it's kind of unfair to him.

That she can't leave him, I know is true, if you have read here, you are filling some needs and her BF is filling others, but that is VERY shelfish on her. ANd that is an A. A selfish choice.

Right now you both guys are living in a huge fantasy. You are not sharing all the problems that faces a couple living day in and day out.

She is using both of you guys to have what she wants right now, and is not good, and it can be changed.

I understand you are not prepared yet to make any choice and that you are very disturbed, but that is how it is welcome to MB.

Time here, reading, posting and doing some soul searching will help you lot's.
It's not an easy progress, and is not fast I can guarantee you that, but it will pay a lot in the end, whatever your choice is.

Sometimes when ppl say man up, or wisen up or any other remark, I wish it was so easy. You have to give it time and research to wise up and man up. It not comes freely. It comes with huge ammounts of pain with it.

I understand all that, because I wished my hubby would have wisen up faster than he did. Men are weak causing pain on women, and I guess he wouldn't wanted to cause any pain on her (OW), meanwhile he wasn't looking how much pain he caused me cause we were separated. That and add up the thrill of the A and a lot of other things and that is why you are not ready now.

Right now I have no better advice than to tell you to KEEP on reading, and posting don't give up.
Post in GQ2, lot's of people there and you will have more varied advice and points of view.

are you happy with the way the relationship between you and her is going right now? cause if you arn't it will continue this way unless a. the boyfriend finds out or b. you do something about it. she is being inconsiderate towards you and her boyfriend. if you truly care for her then you should leave her alone and let her figure things out. but with you and her boyfriend both in the picture she has no reason to change anything. but if you leave maybe her and her BF will work things out or maybe she will decide that you are the one she wants to be with and end it with her BF. but she has no reason to change anything if she is getting what she wants from both of you. my wife has had no contact with the other man for 16 days now and we are worlds better than when they were talking. maybe this is why you wont leave the picture b/c you are scared she will work things out with her BF and not want you anymore? i dont know but i would think you would want to find out.

looks like someone touched a little close to home with that one, you're absolutely right. i am afraid to walk away because i do think that i would lose between me and her bf and i'm not ready for that. My insecurities from my ex fiance leaving are still great and i am still afraid that i'm not good enough for a woman to want to live a life with, and if i walk away from her i'm making her choose if she wants to be with me for a long time, if i step away its a choice between living with her current b/f or living with me...its not a choice i'm willign to make happpen because i dont want that kinda full on relationship yet and i dont want her out of my life either.

so exactly what kind of help are you looking for? for someone to tell you that it is okay for you to continue the A? well you won't find that kind of advice here....your only advice is to expose the A to her BF...after that, you can seek more advice...

Elbarto,

You cannot have a healthy relationship if you are not healthy yourself! You are not healthy if you are relying on a liar to make you happy!

Look internally and fix yourself THEN maybe you'll understand just how destructive a relationship with this girl is. You are not doing her any favors by bringing your insecurities into her life. She can't have a healthy relationship until she fixes HERSELF...you can't do it for her! You can only work on YOU!