oh yeah---did i mention contests or bonuses????? lots of cash flying around these dealerships.....if someone is motivated....

Bringiton--it;s tomorrow it is final. I am feeling so "squishy" about it inside--that sick feeling. Thanks for asking.

Nikko--
Thanks. THis is what he told me--he gets a check each week--a draw--but it changes weekly--one week he said it was only $45--though it should be around $215. And then he gets a fifth check at the end of the month that takes him to the $2000 a month he is promised, minus or plus (I got confused here) the commision he earns. He says if he sells 10 cars a month, he gets another 1000. And if in any week he sells 5 cars, he gets an extra $500. Also, everytime he sells a car, he get to draw a cash envelope. He sold 5 last month total.

Lawyer said I can't change the support till he has been at this a year so they can get an average. I can then go through the AG's office or hire her, but it takes a long time she said. But i know the $443 I will get is low. He was a HS teacher, but has since changed jobs. At least that was stable and good hours to see the boys. Now he lives 1.5 hours away on top of this by OW.

Just wishing he had a normal job so some of this could be normal for me--if that's possible. The hardest pasrt is how little he sees the boys, and him wanting them at 8:30 pm saturdays to sunday night every weeked. I said no, and he is sooo ticked. HE has to work every friday and saturday--but I want my boys to go to church with me twice a month. THe decree says standard visitation-the whole every other weekend, friday to sunday thing, but he has already says that is impossible. URR.

Oh well...the adventure begins officially tomorrow.

Why couldn't you request for a month's CS in advance (kind of like a renter's deposit) and then just get the $443 each month from an account that he must set up and have the garnished wages sent to? May not be able to make this stick legally but its an idea that may could be modified someway to work.

the hours he has will decrease his visitation and will most likely INCREASE his child support, or it should because you have the kids more. check that out with the attorney.

most dealerships have a standard draw....that would be the 200.00 check. the fifth check is the commission check. usually the draw doesn't change...too much office work for the accountants of dealership. they get a set draw for four weeks.....at the end of the month their pay is calculated, then the draw is subtracted from that(the pay they allready received) and if they earned more it is given in the fifth check.....if not they will then owe money back to the dealership. like i said the dealership gives most sales guys a month or so to get with the program...they wont pay a draw if the sales guy isnt producing...he will get fired.

so last month he sold only five cars....not good. but he may get better...what kind of cars? had hubby look it over and he says it seems like a normal plan from what you've said. my hubby's guys are all living in 1/2 million dollar homes and doing really well....if this works for him bide your time, wait the year and revisit child support. his pay will be on his taxes....as will all the bonuses and cash given to him. very little is hideable in this line of work. that is a plus....sucky part is bonuses and cash incentives dont usually have taxes taken out at the time so you have to budget for it or mam o man he is gonna get slammed come income tax time. we always put 25% of all bonuses and "winnings" into a separate account for our taxes.....we get slammed.

the hours are gonna suck with the kids....he will work most days from 830 am till whenever the last customer leaves the floor. one early night a week if he is lucky and he will never have a saturday off and will only have christmas day off as a holiday...that is the only day most dealerships are closed. he wil have one day off a week and since he is low man he will have to take what he is told to. the lifestyle sucks.....people look at my home and my life and tell me....YOU ARE SOOOO LUCKY. well i would trade it all(except my horses...lol) for more time with my hubby. the plus is when he isnt at work he is here with us 100% family time. he is good that way. i refer to my life as being happily married "single" mom.....lol

hang in----im praying for you and the kids.....and remember to mention to the lawer hubby isnt seeing the boys when he is suppose to and it is costing you more because he doesnt have them when he should.....

He works for a pontiac dealership--they keep telling him he has great potential--apparently it is slow here right now, and the top seller sold 5 last month, so he was excited.

I don't know if Texas is different, but everything I tell my lawyer doesn't seem to matter. Not sure if it is the community property thing or no fault thing, but he doesn;t have to see the kids at all, regardless if the papers say so. So I guess I take what I can get. And it does cost me more, since I have to hire sitters on the weekends I have to work--(I work at home managing a non-profit, but I still have to have someone here for the kiddos).

i actually think he'll do good at this, but the man already I'd think have enough regrets, you'd think he'd want to see his kids some. And like I said, he lives 1.5 hours away.

He gets off sundays and wednesdays, but that doesn't help with the visitation. Ugh.

I called lawyer back, and am waiting to hear back again from her. This is supposed to go down tomorrow, so I'd like to know the final details. I think they will set it up where he willpay the ag directly once a month, and the ag will send me a check. DOes this sound wise?

Thanks for all the advice.

There is someone on here who got a clause written in to their CS/custody that if one parent can't exercise their parenting time, they would have to pay the other parent for additional daycare expenses.

I can't remember who that was, but it might be a good idea for your case, too. Might not hurt to run it by your lawyer and ask for it.

I think it makes sense to have WH pay the AG's office, and then have them send you a check. Let them deal with the collection headaches. It's alsoa great papertrail to prove when he's not doing what he's supposed to do. And he won't be as likely to try to feed them excuses about why he can't pay as he would to you.

Good luck tomorrow.

-AmI.

These lyrics are my song of praise right now. I've learned through this--from day one--that worship--praise--is out greatest weapon in battle. Though it feels like I am walking barefoot in the wilderness, I am not; I am being held.

Blessed be your name
In the land that is plentiful
Where the streams of abundance flow
Blessed be your name

Blessed be your name
When I'm found in the desert place
Though I walk through the wilderness
Blessed be your name

Every blessing you pour out,
I turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say...
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be your glorious name

Blessed be your name
When the sun's shining down on me
When the world's all as it should be
Blessed be your name

Blessed be your name
On the road marked with suffering
Though there's pain in the offering
Blessed be your name

Every blessing you pour out,
I turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say...
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be your glorious name

You give and take away
You give and take away
My heart will choose to say
Lord, Blessed be your name



Intexas

i'll be praying for you today.....

Just thinking about you and your boys (((intexas))).

I said a prayer for you this morning.

Hope you are doing OK.

Let us know how you're doing when you feel up to it.

Hi, intexas. Been thinking about you and sending you a hug. Please let us know how today went.

Still thinking about you intexas.

How are you feeling today?

Hi everyone.

Yes, it's final. I am now officially an ex-wife.
That is as weird as "all get-out" to say that.

I am really not sure if I am numb or have already grieved the major loss back in April, or what--but now I just feel so incredibly sad, just not able to cry. I've teetered on the edge of tears a few times since yesterday, but haven't had that big moment of release. It's actually a little surreal. One day you're married, the next day you're not.

But this has been over a year since he left suddenly, so I have come accustomed to being alone, though I am not quite sure I like it. I miss just knowing someone cares about me. But, now I even wonder if he did care.

He called today and asked me to pray for him--that he could start getting over the OW. huh? Cruel? immature? Or is it simply that he has no clue and no respect at all for the place I held? He still is seeing her, so what's the point?

Everything is now past tense. THat is a bit weird.

Friends are the most awkward beings right now--they have about as much clue what to say to me as I do in answering them. It's like I'm labeled officially with a big-d. I am going to family night of worship at this cool photography studio tomorrow night with church, and I will be the only one with just my kids--aka--no spouse. That's not new, but now, well, now it's more real.

I wonder if people think it was my fault, or if I didn't do enough to make it work. How do I tell them I tried? That I am not a marriage failure? That he chose all this? Okay, that got the tears out a bit.

a friend from church asked me if I was still going to be her friend--or if I thought it would be too weird? Huh? Does anyone understand that?

A lot of rambling here on my part, sorry. I thank all of you great people for helping me through all this. I know my time here is not done. I have some healing to do, and growing too. And I owe so much to the caring friends here.

I'd be lying if I didn't admit I do feel like somewhat of a failure. Rational thought tells me I'm not: that this was not my doing. I was a great wife. I don;t doubt that--but there's a bit of that guilt that resides--it comes and goes.

I'm okay, though. And I know, as I have said all along. the Lord has plans for me still. despite it all, He is still good.

Love you all.
Intexas

AMEN!!

Oh my dear intexas.....I have prayed for you and the babies sooo much and God has indeed been good.

Now my prayer for peace is the one I will pray. My friend, I've walked these very same paths that you now are on. It's not easy. And trust me, if anybody even remotely knows you, they won't think that you weren't a good wife. People that say things or incenuate them are cruel.

And as for the friend who said will you still be her friend? I think it was passively cruel to say that...I have actually had married friends of mine become more distant after the divorce...why? Being an attractive and somewhat young-ish single mom can sometimes even threaten the friends we have...the other married woman friends who now see us as somewhat of an outsider...and maybe even a small threat...ludicrous as it is...because I valued MY marriage and I value that M of others...

But you'll be fine. I am also still friends with most of the old married friends I still had...they know me, know my heart and soul and know who I am and what I am about 100 percent...same will go for you.

And the phone call from the x? Wow. What a fogged out man. Makes me want to blast an air horn in his ear to clear out some of that darned fog! Pray for him to get over the OW? Puhhhhleeeeeze!

I also had a wierd week...plagued by migraines and dealt with my precious son being bullied at school (by a girl..and he's taught by me to be respectful to them...very bad kid this bully is...emotionally bullying) and also found out the wistress has received a DUI! So I am beginning a search to find out how to keep my precious child from being in the car with a maniac...I suspected long ago that her pretending she was somewhat of a responsible mom to her ds and the oc was a complete farce!

Please just stay inplan b/d with the xh. He hasn't realized what has happened yet. Maybe he will. But right now is for healing.

And yes,you will have at the most inopportune time that release. Mine came in waves and at strange places...like at malls...when I saw a christmas tree for first time as divorced woman. When I first kissed somebody else...I cried afterwards...

WE never believed we'd be here...and it is sad and senseless why we are. Find and read that thread about Frank Pittman...wise man...and he's from my town too! Totally senseless...I liked the analogy of the car...let's say a good marriage is like a good reliable car...but then the WS sees a new car...it is really not at all a superior car..but hey! It has a sunroof. That's what these affairees are doing...instant gratification and admitting that serotonin and feel good hormones takes precedence over conscious thought and morality and all that's decent in the world.

By Golly...you're gonna make it ...and you already are. Don't you have my private email? Please email me. I am really busy right now and don't get here too often as much.

You are a wonderful and loving mom...smart and stupendous! And you babies are absolutely adorable.

This is a time for renewal. I am sooo praying for you as you begin this new journey with your precious ones. For now, don't focus at all on the past...God's carried you and he's released you from a spouse that is not repentant whatsoever. His own idiot words confirmed that...plus I think that your xh is also as my xh is/was..emotionally cruel!

God has released you from this bondage...and in HIM you are a new and wonderful creation! God is ever faithful. And the love of our little ones is priceless..

Many many continued blessings to you and your precious babies. Prayers for healing, more happiness, a wonderful new life and peace...

We may never understand why the WS in these cases did such senseless acts...but we can understand why we chose to take the stance we did...which is far from their cowardice. We took the stance to stand up to the evilness of an affair...stand up and firm for our families...and we did all we could do and that matters and is all the difference in the world.

An unrepentant WS cannot do that. They will never know peace.

Go conquer the world my friend! I am so proud of you!

that thread w/the pittman quotes is "so many divorces"...hiker's thread.

That thread gives me about as close of an explanation as I will ever have to why in the hades my xh flipped out. Pittman's book has given me also alot of insight...it was hard to read, but I have a bit more closure after knowing some of this stuff.

Prayers and love...


(((((in texas and babies)))))

I think it's just that it's awkward -- they invite you over, and there's a big hole at the table, a hole that represents something that most people are in denial about, and can't talk about.

On this board, I think we invest too much energy in being a "Divorced Woman" ... capital D, capital W.

I got bashed as much as anyone here, but you might as well think of it as a way to get a fresh start. During the course of a marriage, we make so many little compromises. Our lives might not wind up being 180 degrees from what we wanted -- but often it's 30 or so.

So redesign your life from the bottom up. What do you want that you lost over the years? What would you do differently? Do it now.

We torture ourselves with the two-person model -- but you know, if you go back a century or two, MANY women were alone, because they had been widowed. And some of them chose to make that period the time of their lives.

You can, too. I have. Most people looking at my life would see the negatives -- but I'm much closer to where I want to be, with no compromises. I'm much closer to values I want to be in my life. I'm rethinking many things, looking how I got off-track from many of my ideals.

And I'm enjoying the time by myself. If any guy came into my life, he'd have to top the life I can create for myself. I don't want to "carry" anyone, anymore.

You may not "feel" loved by anyone -- but there's nothing to stop you from loving many. Many need it. Just go to your local hospital or old folk's home.

Jp--thanks for your words of encouragement. I'm okay-really, it's not like that much is different--it is just official now. I'm not where I ever thought I'd be, but I'll make it, and I'll make it well.
I need your e-mail addy, though; you've never given it to me.

AMM--
Thanks, too. I'm very excited about "redesigning" my life. I feel a bit guilty about that, as I really wanted my old life, but at the same time, I am seeing the positives. Not that I view my situation as positive--I never wanted or thought I'd be divorced--but I do see a whole new set of adventures ahead of me for me and my boys. I am scared for them at times, but I know I will do my best in being a stable, consistent, loving parent.

As for being alone, I more hate the thought of being in this state with no family other than my boys. I am so far from family, and have to stay here till the baby is 18. So in 2024, I can leave : ). I am not afraid to be without a guy--heavnens no! I am very independent and capable; it is just that I am also a family person, and now it seems much less of a whole family. I do, however, have great friends, and I plan on fostering those relationships, as they're in a sense "family" to me here in Texas.

And as for being loved, I am more sad about the fact that I have never been loved more than no longer being loved--a double whammy. As I learn more and more about his doings since even before we were married, I wonder if he ever did. I know this is just self-deteremental thinking, but I haven't yet shook it. It will ease, though I am sure.

I have decided to pursue a masters in library science, and am excited about that. I can finish in about two years, faster if the over-achiever in me comes out. I am getting in shape more than I have, and I am just seeing the world in a new light. There were a lot of things that I compromised, and I am trying to embrace those loves again. It is best to make the best of what you're given. Can't
change it, might as well live it well.

I appreciate your words. I have always found you to be a wise woman in your postings. Thank you for taking the time to post to me.

You are such a powerful and positive women! I truly admire your energy and positiveness. I loved what you said - "can't change it, might as well live it well" - so true.

I am too going through a divorce which I never dreamed I would ever deal with. I get sad too when I think how WH might have never truly loved me or how he has changed and now he really could care less about me. But as you said, after giving your best, what else can we do? We might as well live the life we are given well....

God bless,
Milk

In Texas,

I have been following your posts, but until now have just read. I'm in Texas too - so a local "howdy", hugs, and prayers to you.

Please, don't succumb to the temptation to define yourself by the divorce.

Had I done that at any moment in my life, I could have chosen from:

alcoholic
recovering alcoholic
betrayed spouse
battered child
rape victim
felony assault victim
chronic neurological disease patient

Instead, we have to choose to define ourselves not by one label, not by the negatives in our lives.

Look at yourself more like a stained glass window: they are more beautiful at night, when lit from the inside, and viewed from the outside.

I see this in you:
From your posts, I see a mother who fought for the best things she could for her children. She tried hard to do what was right despite a WH who still just doesn't get it. I see a person who has inner strength in the face of overwhelming stressors, energy enough to hang in day after day, and the courage to come here and tell the truth about how she feels. That courage helps many out there who feel the same way - they may not even post a reply ever - but they read your words, know how you feel, and say to themselves, "I am not alone".


You are being held in prayers, and your babies are being held in prayers. You are not alone in the pictures. Just look for God in that photo, because He will be there, too.

SB

Hi everyone.

I've been lurking, reading, checkingon others, and praying for others here lately, but haven't had it in me to post anything. I think I'm at a point where I just don;t know what to do next, feel so weird and uncomfortable about everything lately--you know, just kind of feeling umph.

I've been trucking along, so to say. Started some of my ebay sales up again, but it's slower than before. Still, it is a bit extra, and that is what I am working towards. I set out a three year goal (I know that seems long off) to pay off my debt I gathered from the divorce. In three years, I should be down to just student loans. IF I can make a buch extra per month in odd jobs, I can do it. I have a few photo shoots sceduled, so that should help, too.

Having goals is good.

On to the tough stuff--the stuff that draws me to post to those who seem to most understand where I am at on this road.

XH is horrible. He calls and calls and calls. I don't answer, so he waits till I am at work. Or he leaves mean messages. He hasn;t sent his CS into the attorney general yet for October, and it is now past due. I actually NEED it soon. He said "SOrry, I just don;t have it, hopefully by Nov. 6th I will!!!) Yet, he informed today (or rather tried to, as I cut him off when he started this converation) about his date last night with some new girl--where's he getting the money for that then??? He cashed in his retirement from teaching--another $5000.

He sees the boys two overnights a month because of his job. I keep having to pay for sitters when he is supposed to have them. It's horrible. Horrible because I want nothing but the best for the boys, and he is making it so hard for them.

He's so cruel, yet hides under the guise that he is a good guy. But actions people--actions. He has ony words.

I know I am complaining, but I knew this was a safe place to do so. I really feel like my friends don't get it--and I shouldn;t expect them to. They have intact families never affected with issues like this.

Positives--right? There are positives--

I got a jogging stroller at a garage sale and have been running/walking at the city park.

My little man is 9 months already! He's been here officially as long as it took to grow him!

My 5 year old is doing so much better in school.

YOu know, when I pray, and especially when I go to church, I keep hearing to "be content." Church is hard for me as I feel like an outsider now more than ever, but I feel like I need to be content in my situation. I mean, I have lots of positives--healthy children at the top--but I can admit that I feel weak sometimes. Feel like I am drowning sometimes. But I'll do my best to be content.

Thanks for reading, guys. Will try to post more again soon when I feel that Umph again.