This is my first time posting on GQ II, I have posted a couple of times on Divorcing/Divorced.
I guess I want to update my story since my last posts from divorcing/divorced.

I have moved out all of my things from my wife and my home, and have gotten the appraisals back on the value of my home. The value was much more than I expected and somehow my wife says she is interested in buying me out, which she can't afford alone. When asked why she would want to live in our home with all our memories, she says she put so much into the home and that she doesn't want to have to start over somewhere else. She can't afford the home alone so I don't know what she is planning.

When I was moving the stuff out of our home, my wife sat and watched my dad, mom, brother-in-law, and myself move everything out and didn't help at all. She even got herself a diet coke and offered my family nothing. Everyone said the same thing describing her behavior, that she is so bitter.

I am going to counseling once a week, church, and I pray every day. Clearly divorce isn't what God wanted when he paired my wife and I up back in our high school days. I pray that my wife would realize this, to no avail. My sister still hangs out with my wife on a few nights a week basis. My counselor says this whole situation is very bizarre. My wife has a very close new girlfriend who lost her license due to 2 DUI's. My sister says that the new friend loves my wife because she drives her all over the place and drives her to bars and they party all the time together. My wife never partied before so this is not at all the woman I was in love with for 10 1/2 year. Where did she go?

I guess my question to all is why do I hurt so bad and still long for a reconciliation when my wife has moved on so easily and effortlessly? My wife is not going through counseling is not going to church, and yet she gets to party like its 1999 as if our marriage never existed. How can my wife harbor all of this anger and bitterness towards me and yet live such a seemingly happy life without any outside help at all? My wife blames me for everything and yet if she was as miserable as she says she was, then why didn't she call for counseling or tell her family or even my family how unhappy she was. I long for the days when I can move on past this as my wife has. I still love her so much though. She still hasn't filed for divorce either, I wonder what she is waiting for???

Is your W having an affair? She sure sounds like she is displaying the classic symptons.

She says she is not having an affair. Truthfully if she were to meet someone right now she wouldn't even look at it as an affair. She is done, we are over, end of story. She simply says that she likes where she is self-esteem wise today and would never go back to where she was with low self-esteem 5 or 6 months ago. I honestly have no idea. As I said before, if she was so unhappy as she claims to have been, than why not go to someone for help. Throwing in the towel on what could be a good marriage without ever working on it or going to counseling just doesn't seem rational.

CTH,

That's how many waywards make the choice to begin an affair...by choosing to believe in fantasy...that the marriage is done, over, end of story. They choose to not see the love or feel it.

Plan A brings them the reality, though it can't make them recognize it. Plan A, I believe, is what we choose as our part to fight a wayward state of mind...whether the affair is present or not...

Wayward state of mind: Entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. Can look like bitter, uncaring and retaliatory. We make our own resentments, build them into entitlement and do not respect we are doing it.

My WH said he wasn't having an affair, either. I had to find proof and not rely on his words. Are you doing that?

Look up and read about Plan A...being authentically you, focusing on your LBs and defining and meeting her ENs...you're half the marriage...you are really married...know reality...inject respect...

You say her ditching the marriage is unreasonable...and to me, it is. Moving out because it's what she wants seems unreasonable to me...why not move back in? Fight for your marriage? Love by choice, do a plan, have a goal and live as you already do, by choice...not what others' want.

It is a painful path...but then, you're already in a lot of pain...choose to snoop, find out the truth about your wife's actions, changes...truth combats fear which combats pain...you'd be doing it for yourself and your marriage.

And this way, you can walk the road to redemption...if you can ascertain why you didn't hear her say she was unhappy, miserable or why she created resentment...then you can learn how to be aware of your partner, of the four rules of marriage, and own what you did...and become a great partner...with or without your wife.

You can't make her change...you can contribute to the environment of the marriage, half of it, and learn from it. Her choice to go wayward...and she is...you can learn to see her actions as attacking the marriage, not you.

Are you learning listen and repeat? Respecting what is hers and knowing what isn't yours? Take on this journey, CTH...there is no downside, in my book, for fighting for your marriage. Move back in...do not accept the towel you believe she's thrown in...you choose what you believe...choose wisely.

LA

I wish I could move back in. On July 4th, her father sat me and my mom and dad down and basically said that our marriage is over and that the house is not for me to live in anymore. He said my wife would file a faulting restraining order to keep me out of the house and you know that the court system would believe her word over mine. Also, he said that he has been very sane about our situation and that he didn't want to be made insane by me moving back into the house. Basically threatening me without threatening me. My counselor and reverend at my church has told me to leave her alone for a while. Many people I talk to about our situation believe that she hasn't come down to reality yet about the whole situation, and that when she does it may be to late. Is it possible that the "FOG" talk relates to something other than an affair. Does "FOG" talk always relate to affairs or could it be a "FOG" of a different nature? Such as resentment, anger, or lack of genuine self-esteem?

CTH...

Why is your FIL calling the shots here? Is there reason to be afraid of his threats? I'm not up on legalities, but what grounds do they have to file a restraining order if it is also your house?

It does sound like an A to me as well, but for a moment, let's assume it isn't.

Her behavior sounds also like conflict avoidance. My W and I both were like this... our M seldom had disagreements or arguments... it just became very boring and lifeless. I didn't know there were any unusual problems when I found out my W was wanting to leave and was having an A.

Avoiding conflict will do this... will drain the person of life, will harbour resentment and entitlement, and the relationship can dissipate very quickly without you even knowing it. There isn't any physical or verbal abuse involved, no addictions or other major problems... the life just dies and suddenly one person wakes up (generally because they have found themselves in an A) and realizes they want more.

This Fog that you are referring to I guess could relate to anyone who does not understand that Love is actions and experiences rather than just feelings. They don't "feel" in love so they must not be... time to move on.

There is still hope. Keep posting questions. Find out what your legal rights are. (there are others on here who can help with this) Find out if there is an A going on... and unless you are divorced, any relationship is still an A. Don't ask her, she won't tell you... you have to find out for yourself. Look deep inside... if you want to save this marriage then don't let anyone stop you. Be the man that your W is looking for. Be confident, courageous, and caring.

Shaden

I have an unusual thought and question that just occured to me. I wonder how many physical affairs or even emotional affairs left the BS with enough anger and resentment to never even try to save the marriage? Simply run from the pain and never look back all the way through to a divorce. My EA which really was 1 date hardly anything at all (no kissing, sex, or anything but some phone calls) left my wife living in fear and afraid of any relationship with me again. I read on here the many victims of affairs and how they fight and fight and pray for their marriages to be whole again. My wife not only didn't fight for the marriage but packed my bags and has seemingly moved on effortlessly with her own single lifestyle of partying and drinking which she never did ever before. How I would have longed for the dedication of many of the BS's out there in marriagebuilder land. Now I am the one left clinging to hope and praying that my wife come around and give this marriage the second chance it deserves. To all of you BS's out there I salute you on fighting and praying for what you believe is the right thing (saving your marriage)!