As most of you know I was married for a long time and did my best to save the marriage. Not a perfect plan a nor a half way decent plan b.

Anyhow with that said now that the divorce is done and EXWH still with the OW, I have come to the conclusion that things are really over. Even though I know as does everyone else this affair is doomed to fail. Even with still having some lingering love for my EXWH I am ready to move on without him and have a life.

I guess the next thing I need to know is how do you know if your ready to meet someone new? I have been alone now for over 1 year and really miss companionship of the male species. I really don't think I want a serious relationship, I would love to have a friend to have fun with.

After being married for 25 years I don't know how to go about meeting anyone or even know if someone is interested in knowing me. I know some of you will say its to soon after the divorce maybe it is who really knows. I just feel like part of moving on and overcoming the pain of the last year is living life and finding someone to share life with.

So is it too soon to date ?????


Hurting

No it's not. Go and have fun- join a group that has the same interests in you, a church group or a drag racing team (guys like that, lol)- you are TOO YOUNG to just sit and life pass you by! Not that you are, but don't feel bad or silly- you are YOU and you LIKE things, do some of them! Some that your crappy XH didn't want to do or didn't let you do- something that makes you HAPPY!!

You deserve it!!

IMHO, lol

HIO,

You will know, you'll feel it in your gut. No hurry though, take your time. You have earned the right to be picky so exercise that right. Have fun and enjoy yourself.

Hey hurtin, can you post this in the Divorce section too? Many of those folks have are going through this and might be able to share some of their experiences, too.

Hurtin....

You will know when you're ready.....I actually forced myself to meet new people..went to new places...I knew I had to do it....

I met a lot of nice people and I made some mistakes early in the process that actually made things worse for me (dated a woman, allowed SF, she wanted more than I could give at time even though I made her very aware of how I felt)....so I then just stopped dating altogether and felt sorry for myself, tried to fix things with then XW....and it got really bad....

so I decided to again to try dating, to meeting new people...made a few mistakes both nothing too bad...or that would embarrass my mom....then I did meet someone who was very special...and I knew...I felt alive....happy....it was me....not the people I was dating....I was feeling that way....

so....try dating...be careful.....

You deserve to have some fun!
When the time is right you'll know...do it for yourself not out of revenge for the stupid alien.

Allow yourself to flirt a little...I bet you'll be surprised by the response.

Just out of curiosity, how does someone know when they are ready? I sure didn't! I started dating right away and fell in love with the first guy I dated. My judgement was so impaired from the devastation I had endured that I would have fallen in love with a tree if it had waved at me. But I did believe that I was ready, only because of profoundly impaired judgement.

Mel,

I think thats my biggest fear of falling for someone just because of impaired judgement.

After being alone for this long now and missing out on so many things as a married person your used to, the companionship, affection and the list goes on and on... that I would fall for someone out of desperation and just to have someone.....

Sometimes I feel like I am the one in a fog here.....


Hurting

I suggest you get your flirting muscles back ... not your dating muscles.... so get gorgeous and flirt like crazy ... drive 'em wild ... but don't actually "date" until you are feeling like you can be picky & choosey

Pep

Date away... younever know until you get back out there. know what you are looking for in someone and don't just settle for the first someone that pays you attention... unless of course he is the right someone. trust your intuition. Be optimistic... not blind. Have fun, but do it with class. Dating is not as difficult as some make it. Just being upfront and honest with someone is the way to go in every situation. Get fixed up through friends, family... etc... that pre screening sometimes is a big help. Jump right in. I've found out that most of the things I knew about dating when I was younger still apply.
Good luck. Have fun.

Also it's not fair to anyone who might fall in love with you if you are not ready...

can you say rebound?

The first guy I dated hurt me because he was not ready...five years after his divorce,

he hadn't healed or come to terms with the failure of his marriage and his wife's affair.

I got hurt pretty good, but only because I wasn't ready either.

Now, I am having a really good time with a guy that I think might be the one, but there is no anxious, infatuation type drama going on.


It's important to heal first, so that you do not bring your past relationship into this one.

Fun is very healing, so I hope you just have fun with it for a bit

and as someone else said...when you become picky/choosy, you are probably ready for love again.

Define "date".

Are we talking dinner and a show [with clearly enforced boundaries] or are we talking relationship?

Well, here's another p.o.v. from another part of the woods.

After an experience like we've had -- we change. We deepen. We become different people with different values. We are still "under construction" -- and it continues for quite awhile.

For so long, I wanted my M back. But the M was gone; and I wouldn't want the man I see now. I've learned so many things about him -- I've learned so many things about the kind of karma he's involved in. I don't want that, I want something better. Much better. Not just from a man -- but from my life! And I'd rather be alone than sacrifice as much as I did ... am I making much sense?

I never want to "carry" someone like that again. Or rather...I would have been happy to carry him, as I loved him, but now that he's gone, I don't want to sign on for another anchor like that.

I want to fly as high as I can fly.

The love that could have been given to a hundred people, and maybe brought joy to a hundred lives, was given to one.

It's been nearly three-and-a-half years since he moved out; nearly a year-and-a-half since the D. My own level -- my understanding and what I want from life -- is still rising.

The problem with settling on someone "too soon" is that you will re-attract what the Old You would have attracted, because you don't yet understand the mechanisms that let that happen. (For one thing, people who are scared of their age -- and I'm older than you, sweetie -- think that "time is running out," and that line of thinking doesn't make the best choices.) You have to have time for the New You to emerge. The person you will attract will be quite different.

I'm not advocating one thing or another -- date or not date, what does dating mean or not mean. Just make sure you allow some space for that new person to emerge. It will take awhile.

Hi, hurting. I replied to your thread on the after divorce/dating forum.

no bowling <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Excuse the following thread burp please:
Okay--sorry to go with the bowling comment (I didn't even "get" it, but I remembered these lyrics from a superchick song called "Bowling Ball" and had to paste the chorus here:

You need that boy like a bowling ball dropped on your head
Which means not at all
You have too much to give to live to waste your time on him
You need that boy like a bowling ball dropped on your head
Which means not at all
You have too much to give to live to waste your time on him

Okay--carry on with the dating thread now.

Intexas

Hurting...u and I need 2 talk! I already told ya....but my dear friend...inyour own time...in your own time..but definitely a must is getting out there! finding places to go...joining new groups...doing anything outside of your comfort zone...

I am reading an new book...how to get married after 35 by rosenberg.

It's good...definitely a road map to where I want to be.

and my usual cell isn't working...it immediately shuts off after the motorola screen appears...I have to replace it tomorrow so I am on alternate cell for a day or so...I will email you my alternate cell number.

Hey in texas my girl! What's up? I am soooo proud of you! do you have my email? I find myself unfortunately living my life less and less on these boards than in years past...maybe a good thing? But please get in touch. I am sorry your x is still a schmuck...but you're one classy mama! With some mighty handsome little men runnin' around I might say! Cheers to you and your new life. You are sooo a class above your xwh.

Hurtin,

U and Peachy are welcome to come ova' here. The Hawaii boys are used to pretty girls and c/b quite friendly in an Ohana way. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

That will help ease you back into the dating scene and realize there are many guys out there more scared than u. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Hugz,
L.

I'm not really afraid of when will be too soon, I have other fears. I don't want to hijack the thread, but I'd just like to know what you all think..

I've always been more of what you'd call a nerdy/geeky guy. Not the best looking guy in the world. Average. I used to be super-skinny, but as I got older, I gained a little bit of weight. But anyway..

I felt like I was the luckiest guy on the planet.. the nerdy guy who was with the beautiful girl that all the guys wanted (which was likely a problem to begin with). Because she really is gorgeous. I've been afraid... afraid that I might get stuck comparing every woman I meet to her. Or worse, I feel like I'll never be able to win the heart of a woman whom I consider gorgeous ever again.

I know, it all sounds terribly vain. But the problems are still there.

*sigh* I just don't know.

Thanks guys for all the advice. To make things more clear just let me say I have not went out with anyone as of yet. To be honest I am not sure I am really ready.

I don't want romantic relationship right now. I just would like to have someone to go out and have dinner or see a movie. I could go out with girlfriends and do those things I know. But it would be nice to have a guy to talk to and just hang with with.

Not to worry about bowling either Kayla. Once EXWH left I was so angry knowing how bowling is how they hooked up I threw away all of my bowling stuff and vowed to never bowl again. Of course I did it in anger at the time so who is to say. But for now the bowling alley's are not where I choose to go.

Peachy I will try and call you soon. I have some long 10 hour days at work for the next few days. I will try and catch you sometime this weekend if I can.

Things will come at the right time I suppose. Oh and Orchid maybe someday I can make it to the islands.....


Hurting