As most of you know I was married for a long time and did my best to save the marriage. Not a perfect plan a nor a half way decent plan b.

Anyhow with that said now that the divorce is done and EXWH still with the OW, I have come to the conclusion that things are really over. Even though I know as does everyone else this affair is doomed to fail. Even with still having some lingering love for my EXWH I am ready to move on without him and have a life.

I guess the next thing I need to know is how do you know if your ready to meet someone new? I have been alone now for over 1 year and really miss companionship of the male species. I really don't think I want a serious relationship, I would love to have a friend to have fun with.

After being married for 25 years I don't know how to go about meeting anyone or even know if someone is interested in knowing me. I know some of you will say its to soon after the divorce maybe it is who really knows. I just feel like part of moving on and overcoming the pain of the last year is living life and finding someone to share life with.

So is it too soon to date ?????


Hurting

I don’t necessarily think it’s too soon to date. HOWEVER, you did say some things which may be signs you want to wait a while longer. First, you said you have some lingering love for you X. It’s my opinion dating is hazardous if you have romantic love for someone else. Second you said, “even though I know this affair is doomed to failure.” Your X’s relationship shouldn’t have any bearing. The fact that you feel like dating in spite of, or “even though” suggests it still affects you in some degree. Third, you are asking.

Here’s the reason why I think caution is a watch word. You’ll meet men who want a “good time,” and you’ll meet men who want a mother. You’ll also meet some fabulous men who want a mate. The first two groups can suck the unprepared woman in, and it’s never good. In the last group there may be a man who falls in love with you, only you’re not completely free of your ex yet. That wouldn’t be good.

I'm also a big advocate for taking time to be selfish. Live the way you want to live with no compromises. That's the upside of being divorced.

I agree with Greengables. You need to be a place in your life where you're living for you and not worrying about whether XH will come around or not.

I have struggled with this myself. Even though I've only been divorced for 2 months, it'll be a year on Sunday when XH left me. I'm to the point now where I really don't care what XH does with his life. I just get upset/jealous when it comes to how he interacts with DD.

I truly feel your pain on the GQII board... I feel really lonely, too. I don't know if you read any of my speed dating posts, but I thought I may have met someone... heck, he walked me to my car! But he hasn't called me yet, and I feel really bummed out. Too bummed out because it made me realize how lonely I am, how much I miss having a grown-up to share my life with. I feel like I've been through so much this past year, with my mom passing away and raising a toddler.... all alone. So I've been overanalyzing our entire conversation from last week... did I say something dumb? Did he really seem as interested in me as I thought he was? Grr... I'm wasting too much energy on this!

Like you, I was with my XH for a long time... 13 years... since high school. True, it's not 25 years, and we were only married for 4 before he walked out, but he was my first love and I've never dated in the grown-up world. I don't really know where to start, or if what I'm experiencing with dreamy speed-date guy is normal or not.

The time to date is when you aren't lonely anymore.

Yeah, you're right, A.M.... but isn't it ironic?

Most of the time, I feel like I have a pretty full life and am happy. It's just little bits will jump out at me sometimes, and I get lonely.

i usually dont get too deep or serious in most of my post as i like to keep it funny or "smart allecy"*

*"[censored]" (for the pg13 rating) <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

anyway....being in my early 40's...(almost 43) btw...i have found that the dating scene and being in a relationship after a divorce....SUCKS...

that being said...i try to put things into perspective sometimes...as a mater of fact, i talked to my therapist today about this same subject...

i have a 16 year old and a 12 year old....i KNOW that they are and have to be my priority...my ? to my therapist was...how do you REALLY balance a LTR with someone that may lead to marriage...without the fear of failure with either the new spouse or your biological children....

she put it like this....

when you first marry...you have obvious priorities...

1. spouse
2. children
3. job
4. home...friends...etc...

but as we deal with MOST of OUR sitch's now, the priorities shift to:

1. children
2. spouse...etc...

thats a tough balancing act...my utmost respect goes to anyone who can balance it with sucess....

i, myself have already decided that i would not re-marry until my kids are atleast 18...

thats about 6 years....

i liked being married, i want to be married again, but realize that life sometimes takes turns and deals us cards we dont want, deserve, or havent earned...such is life....

but as you date or prepare to date...you MUST have your priorities in tact and have a clear cut goal in mind...what do YOU want...what are you willing to accept (everyone has baggage) and what are "deal breakers"

im sorry if this is aliitle long winded, but my fingers are starting to bleed!!...(im a horrible typer)

i can give example after example of the mistakes i made shortly after my initial seperation and living that "rock n roll" life....many women...lots of mistakes....

but as you get on with your life and seek companionship always remember....

no one is PERFECT
no one can replace your spouse
no one can replace your life as it was before the A and D
everyone has baggage (yourself included)
and NEVER...NEVER....NEVER....

GET TOO SERIOUS....TOO FAST!!!

thats all for now!

"No one can replace my spouse"???? THANK YOU, LORD!!!!!

If someone replaced B. you all would be seeing me on national news. I'd commit such mayhem it would go down in history.

Okay, maybe I'm different since it wasn't an affair.

Also, dating in your 40's can be fun. I've had some fun. Relationships are still challenging, but I don't think they're all as hard work as trying to save a marriage relationship when the one spouse refuses to change his or her behavior. And it's not as hard as trying to live with someone you hate.

IMHO - still having some feelings for your EX shouldn't stop you from dating.
Dating someone who treats you with Respect, Kindness, makes you feel good about yourself, etc.etc. Basically, doing things your EX hasn't "done for you in years" can be VERY HEALING and may help you to lose those "feelings" for the EX. You'll see that you should have been treated better, that there are good guys out there and you DESERVE someone who treats you well. It can be a real eye opener..

Hey, my STXWH isn't going to end up or stay with his bimbo either, but let him and her think what they want. I finally got to the point that "they deserve each other". I on the other hand DESERVE better than what he shoveled out to me.


Certainly, you miss the male companionship, don't feel guilty about that. If you met someone nice who you feel comfortable with and enjoy their company - IMHO go for it. As long as you don't lead someone on and are honest with what you are looking for companionship, friendship, etc. What harm can come from you seeking these things????



Get out there, be a social butterfly and you will met people that interest you and that find you interesting.

Is this the answer you were looking for....???? Don't feel guilty...Life is too short..

Thank you for all the responses everyone.

I think my question has been answered. I do know I am not ready for a serious relationship by no means.

As long as I am honest to anyone I meet that I am not ready for that and for now just want to be friends and have fun.

Hurting

"... be friends and have fun"

I agree! Just go out there, join a club, learn new skills, make new friends- men and women- and the rest will come. Make a new chapter in your life, find new things to make YOU happy. Do the things that you've always wanted to do! When you are happy, you are atrractive :-) and then, YOU decide whether you want to date or not.

All the best, and don't worry!! You can't move on if you keep looking back at your marriage. You know the adage about driving and constantly looking in the rear view mirror-- LOOK AHEAD, you might miss the beautiful scenery that surrounds your life.

Hugs, R

I think when a person knows, they know 100% it's time to date, when they have doubts, that is when they probably shouldn't date.

For me, I got this sense of independence, "okay if I don't find someone, okay if I do, have fun looking" attitude. Knowing you'll be okay if the right person doesn't come along.

If you are needy, if your happiness is dependent on having someone else in your life, if your miserable looking because you feel an urge to find someone now. That's all warning signs that you could pick the wrong person when dating because you will be too worried to give that relationship up, too afraid to be alone. Too concerned this is the best you can get and you'll likely settle. So, I don't think you're judgement will be good. If your not there with your own happiness and feeling good in your own skin. Don't date at all.

Anna