Dear Peach,

Hugz 2 u! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Well we know u t/b a lady who speaks her mind. That's ok. Be glad you gotz one 'cuz dem WS' ain't got a cell's worth in their big o'l brain'. LOL!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> Man it's hard to type in slang. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Btw, I think the reason why you attract some flack is because you are not afraid to bare your feelings. I think many more feel down just as much at times but never voice it. Of course that scares the pants off of those who don't like to hear the truth about how ALL A's hurt people. Moving on doesn't mean the hurt is gone. No way. It means it may lessen with time but hurt is hurt. Scares remind us of what we experienced. Not something you really should be forgetting, lest it smacks you again.

Ok Peach, how can we help? Do I need to fly out there or will some coffee and chocolates help out? Maybe some Maui Sugar? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> Btw, since you all never had that luncheon.....did you use up the stuff I sent? I would hate to see it go to waste. ok? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Listen, I still haven't made anything from that cookbook. I am waiting for my husband to get me a chef. I saw a cute on with his own restaurant....he even has a french accent. Cute as a button. Come'on and visit.....I introduce you. Don't know if he has a GF or not.....can't imagine why he wouldn't but who knows. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Not sure if BackAgain is really back again or just pouting over that vaugely named poster. Seen to many of those kind come and go.

So go have that drink on the beach. If you face west, wave cuz we'll be out here having one just for u 2.

I favor long island ice tea but will keep it more local if u want. Just name the drink. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Orchid,

My posts were not a personal assault on peach.



Nor were they a show of support for that "vaugely named poster"



Yet you chose to portray it that way. Interesting.

It was about the hypocrisy that can and does sometimes run rampant here.



Yet you chose to take that and twist it around to suit your own satisfaction. And I thank you for that. I thank you for providing the perfect argument as to why this place can sometimes be just as harmful as it is helpful.

As always, it is JMHO.

justpeachy,

1.) I'm not your honey.
2.) I'm not a girl.
3.) I perceive you to be in some serious denial.

Your insecurity is apparent (to me) in your many postings surrounding the daily life of your XH and his wife. Your disdain for his wife borders on jealousy. Unless she has something that you want and don’t have, there is nothing to be jealous of. It is also apparent in your unending attempts to boast yourself on these boards as nothing less than ‘smashing’. Who are you really trying to convince?

I don’t mean this to be cruel. Insecurity sucks. I wouldn’t wish it on anybody.

I don’t envy your position in life right now. I know you are trying to move on with your life. I hope you do find your Mr. Right one day and get a fresh start. I think that would be healthy for you.

As long as you allow yourself to become entrenched in the mind games you are playing with XH and his wife, I really think you are allowing THEM to have the power over you.

Enjoy the beach. I hope Ernesto did not wash it away.

BAgain,

You addressed your response below to me. You quoted me in your 1st quote. Where are the 2nd and 3rd quotes coming from? From the way you posted is makes it appear to have been something I posted, but those comments are not mine.

Then you talk about me twisting things? Ok, so please clarify...... why are you here and posting?


Orchid: As for proving you with the perfect argument.....that's your choice. You choose how to take it. I sense a lot os hostility here..... Why? Are you carrying some old baggage from posting under another name or is this just how you are? Yet you are grateful for having a perfect argument? Your responses and posts seem to be confusing. Please clarify.

L.

Peachy, I have to admit to being perplexed at the way this thread has gone. It’s like you came out swinging with a bat when there was really no need. It is sad to see someone in pain but it’s worse to see that individual on a path that leads to more pain. When people make an effort to help you sort out things out, by asking questions, by giving you something to think about ect. you can choose to go with it or not. I posted to you not out of malice but because your pain spoke to me and I had hoped to be of some help.

It appears that you don’t want to be diverted from whatever your intent is, and b/c no one’s questions were answered, no one (here on this forum anyway) has a clue what your intent is. Maybe even you don’t?? The whole purpose of posting to you was to nudge you to STOP and THINK.

I don’t get is exactly what it is that you want out of this board. It’s a marriage building board; you are a single woman posting about the ways to disrupt someone else’s marriage. Surely you understand that not only is this not healthy for you but also that this is not the website for that type of thing?

I am absolutely on the same page as far as BS empowerment, it is MOST important on both a personal and marital level but…and these is a big BUT so get ready: What you appear to be attempting to do is not an example of BS empowerment, it is EXACTLY the opposite.

Your personal opinion as to the morality or legality of their marriage is not license to toy with it. The women on the TOW board have the same disdain for other people’s marriages as you do for your ex’s and you know where that leads. You said that the situation is more complicated than you have posted, I sure hope it’s not what it sounds like Peachy, b/c that would be BAD.

I felt sad when I read your 2002 post, what a difference from then and now. You sounded like you understood, that you had an awareness of what had happened. You lamented not listening to your parents who were understandably worried about you being with this married BF. You married him anyway and history repeated itself. Since 2002, something has changed; you seem to have a different spin on the relationship.

You have the baggage that comes with divorce; all of us who have been there carry it for a time. We also have the ability to choose when to drop that baggage and walk free. You are SO not free Peachy. Isn’t it time to at least think about it?

You can choose to empower yourself in a REAL way. Act with integrity, dignity and class, make wise choices, concentrate on raising your little boy, and pursue the things that add to your self worth. Trying to wreck some else’s marriage is definitely not the way to add self worth. If it trouble you seek, it is trouble you will find.

The guy is on his third wife with no end in sight… You deserve better in my opinion but that’s not going to happen until you choose to actually seek better. (That’s an internal thing btw, not necessarily a new man.) Anyway, I just wanted to acknowledge your response and clarify a few things. Hope you had a Blast on the Beach, KB

Orchid,

In the 2nd, 3rd and 4th quotes I am quoting MYSELF from this very thread.

Maybe in the future it would be helpful for you to read the entire thread before jumping to conclusions.

Then you would have known that I am not "pouting" over anyone. See??

I promised myself to stay off this thread, because I feel it is becoming toxic. Nonetheless, I feel there are a few important points that aren't being covered:

1) Peachy, in my original post above I was trying to make an important point: "power" is the ability to effect change in your own life, to your own benefit. Making the OW insecure isn't "power" because it gives you nothing except, perhaps, vindication, which is psychologically comforting but otherwise valueless.

2) According to the MB principles, you are keeping XH's marriage alive. Your behavior is obviously effective -- otherwise the wistress wouldn't feel insecure. XH also feels its effects. He's an attention junkie. Having two women compete for him makes him feel real. Although clearly he is uncomfortable with other aspects of it, he would know how to turn it off if he wanted to (by not making overtures to you).

Observe the behavior on Dec. 26 at Macy's. When somebody else wants something, it makes us grab it and hold onto it more frantically. When the wistress sees you still competing (and yes, it is competing -- you know it and they sense it), and you are precisely the woman he has treated so badly, it reinforces her sense that XH is important and valuable and worth fighting for.

Moreover, as we have all verified a zillion times, the affair couple want to keep you in the picture -- you bond them in powerful ways.

Without you in the picture, she will gradually come to realize that what she has isn't worth it. And for XH, OW#26 will come into the picture, and the relationship will break up, with more or less noise.

OW#26 WILL NOT BE YOU! Largely, because you don't want it. But I think the A and the D fuses something in our minds: when we fought for our marriages, something in us wants to keep fighting, long after we realize, in our heart of hearts, that the problems are way beyond our fixing.

You know you don't want him -- but some part of you still feeds on attention from him.

3) For your own psychological well-being, it would be good for you to be out of this picture as much as possible. It's hard, because we want to see the relationship come tumbling down -- we want to watch it. I know I do.

Trust MB principles. It will come down, we know that. But it's not healthy to watch, and it's not psychologically healthy to participate in its demolition, because ...

4) You need this man's respect more than you need his lust, or cravings (I don't think this is about lust, I think he craves female attention). And as long as you participate in these mind games, as long as you position yourself as competitor, however subtly (and if you weren't positioning yourself that way, she wouldn't be feeling insecure), you won't have his respect.

You have to do business with this guy, because of your son. You need to have a working, professional relationship for your son's well-being. You need to have strong boundaries.

He's not learning anything from all this; so you have to.

5) You say you won't forgive her because of what she did to break up your son's life. I absolutely understand. But you have to realize, in your case, that AN OW WAS AND IS AN INEVITABILITY. Darth is a serial killer, and he will strike again. That may not warm your heart towards her -- but it may take some of the personal edge off the situation.

We don't blame a hurricane for the damages it causes. Hurricanes are what happens at this time of year in Florida. She's going to be victimized too.

6) I know you have said otherwise, but your son is not stupid, and he's learning a lot from this, too. What he's learning is that a man's power is derived from the number and degree to which females compete for his attention. He's learning that females can be manipulated to show off and grovel -- and that this is good. He's learning that this is what a marriage is, that this is what love is.

HE'S GOING TO BE LEARNING THIS AT THE OTHER HOUSEHOLD, ANYWAY. You can't stop that. But what you can offer is a very clear alternative -- and this you must do. I'm sure your son senses the game-playing -- I'm sure he picks up an earful at the other household. Again, you can't stop this. He must very clearly pick up that you are not participating in these games -- he must pick that up from the way you dress, the way you move around XH, and the way you speak to XH. Believe me, he's smarter than you think. I'm sure he senses when you are gloating, however much you try to hide it; I'm sure he senses your preoccupation with your sexual power, and picks up the message that those are the values that are important in life. You cannot teach him otherwise if these are the values you convey in your actions.

You said you wished your son to have good values, and be God-fearing: then teach him the greatest virtue of them all -- charity. Your behavior to the wistress is not charitable, and it's not honest. I'm not saying you should be friends and invite her to dinner -- I'm not even above giving her a good thwack; she deserves one -- but there is no point to this except malice and needless pain. What she will "learn" from this is that you are just like she is, and that mean competitiveness and sexual power is what life is about. We cannot control what we feel -- and I'm the last person to be guiltless on this score -- we are very accountable for how we act.

7) It's useless to protest against "pop psychology" -- that is what this board, to a large extent, offers. It has its limitations -- but also, it is "pop" because it is to large extent true and effective. Most of us here aren't psychologists, but we have been through a lot -- and I, for one, have learned much on these boards. I hope to learn more.

Peachy, I don't care if you are wearing one bikini or two or none -- but I hope you have a wonderful, relaxing, and healing time at the beach.

Thanks for the clarification. Glad to hear u r not pouting anymore. Will we be able to tell by your future posts? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

L.

I wish I had great pearls of wisdom.

I think, Peachy, that you have good intentions. I think, though, that there is some sort of insecurity hiding under your bravado.

My d was precipitated by my x and I not recognizing our issues and dealing w/ them adequately. I think this is true of most divorces. While I was not faultless (i.e., without any personal faults), I was blameless (i.e., without responsibility for the chosen course of action) when my x left me to pursue a woman with whom he was having an EA.

However, I found that treating my x and his wife with reasonable respect went a long way toward helping us move to a place where we can be cooperative and considerate. I guess that works well in almost all of life.

Peach,

KnewBetter, AMMartin, Cinderella and some of the others have posted some good stuff. Take it to heart dear.

Remember in your case, your son's father is and XH on paper but in reality he is still a WS. His credientials in this are sooo long (H/WS/XWS/WS/XH/WS/XH/H/WS/XWS/WS/WS/XH/WS/WS.....) that it is mind boggling. Do you see where you are in his long line of credentials?

Now don't allow him to use you as a reference for his WS line of work, ok? Instead move forward. I know you have met some and been disappointed. Remember not ALL men in the world are jerks, there's just been an over production of them and many of them love the nicer weather. LOL!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

A real man is out there 4 u and your son waiting to become part of your family and you his. Be patient.

Hope you had a nice time at the beach.

Call me when u can, ok?

take care,
L.