Yesterday, my wife told me that she is not happy. It is an accumulation of things that I have done over the past 4 years we've been together. I would say harsh things, I would lie about little things, and most important, put her as "number 2." I would always try to be the most popular, or only getting truly happy when I get a big paycheck. I have put her off to the side. Well, you guessed it... She wants to try a "trial separation." Because she moved right out of her parents' house to live with me, she has not yet experienced a life of independence. She would do anything to ensure that my goals could get reached, but was never really focused on her own personal goals. She told me that she wants some time to clear her head and try to establish herself as an independent. She told me flat-out that she DOES NOT want a divorce. If she would, then she would have said so. She just wants a little time to find herself.

I have told her before that I would change, but back then, they were just words. I didn't even try. Now I wished I should have. But this time, I didn't plea or beg. Yes I cried. I cried so hard, but I got over it. (sort of).

I told her that during our separation, I am going to do my best to change. I will get help and get myself in check. Her final words were: "Don't talk about it... show me!"

- I feel so lost right now. I don't know what to do and where to go. Any suggestions? Please? My fear of a "Trial Separation" is that it's an easier way of saying "goodbye." She claims that it is not, but I have a small amount of doubt. I don't even know what to think right now. Help!!!

Any signs of an affair? This is classic behavior of a WS.
I hate to say this, but I've been on this forum for almost 3 years and this type of thing sends HUGE RED FLAGS up for a FBS!!

No signs of an affair at all. She is the "perfect angel." She said she would like to start fresh with me to hopefully rekindle what we had before, but first she wants to get her goals in order.

There is no doubt that I have been treating her very poorly, and I regret it now. She knows I love her dearly. People change because of dramatic/traumatic events, and this is definitely one of them. Like I said, her last words after I said that I'll change were: "Then show me!."

I am so torn up inside. I don't know what to do.

What's "WS" and "FBS" ?

WS = Wayward Spouse
FBS = Former Betrayed Spouse

Well, then show her how you have changed!
Although IMHO separating is NO WAY to work on a marriage.
I guess if she is determined to "have space" all you can do is Plan A her and, hopefully 1) there is no affair in progress (or in the wings) and 2) she will see your efforts and return home to work on the M.

Sorry this is a short, terse response...in a time crunch here...I'll check the thread after the weekend!

Hang in there.

Well, she came to my office earlier and we both went out to have lunch. When we came back to the office, we sat there and talked a little bit. She keeps reiterating that she wants us to grow stronger from this. She wants to see that I can finally change.

I don't know, but maybe this is her last resort. That's the message I am getting. I have said I would change in the past and only meant a small fraction of it, and I only said it when things were getting rough. So maybe she wants to see if I really would now, and if I don't, then maybe saying a final "goodbye" wont hurt as much.

I met her when she was in high school, and as soon as she could, she moved in with me right out of her parents' house. She hasn't had time to find out what her goals are and how to be an "independent" because she was so wrapped up in putting me in front of anything. She would do anything for me, help and support me in anyway, and I wasn't giving the same amount of effort back to her. She was never able to make very important decisions on her own becasue I was always there to make them for her.

- - Please don't tell me I blew it all. Please tell me I still have a chance. I don't know what to think. She's staying calm throughout this whole ordeal, but she's also hurting and crying when we talk about it, so I know it's tough for her too.

I would think that counseling would be appropriate at this time. Your wife moved from being dependent on her parents to your dependency. She now wants to find herself and move ahead. Getting counseling would be the thing to do. From there she can have individual counseling to find herself and help her find what she would like for herself in life.

Yes...this is an awakening and sounds like it is much needed. You sign up for individual counseling too and I do think that the two of you should go to couples counseling.

Good luck...Blessings.

Dragon: Good news. It's NOT the end. Don't think that it is.

Two things: (1) work on yourself to make yourself a truly godly person. Transform yourself. While you are doing that, (2) make yourself into a truly outstanding husband to her. There's no generic answer, each person is different. Take your time, think hard about what she needs, and work to meet her needs.

If you can do those things I think you will succeed.

To help with (2), study books like 'His Needs Her Needs' and 'The 5 Love Languages'.

Now for (1). Do this tomorrow. As much as anyone here, it sounds like you have a desperate need for my personal favorite, "Every Man's Marriage; Every Man's Guide to Winning the Heart of a Woman", by Stephen Arterburn and Fred Stoecker. It's a very powerful book. Please study it and mediate on it. It will humble you and help you to see that God has placed her in your hands, and that you have a duty to care for her and serve her. It will change your life. It did mine. And along the route it will revitalize your marriage. It made an enormous difference in mine.

She's begging you to change yourself and make yourself a better husband for her. You sound like a person who can do it. Good luck and God Bless.

Well, we talked over the weekend and we both decided that we're going back to Sunday service at the Church we got married at together. I am also going to take her out on a "date" Friday night <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Things are still pretty tough though. I am staying at a friends house now. Waking up and not seeing my wife next to me in the morning really hurts. It's been three nights without her so far.

I spoke to my mother and she had told me not to beg, plea, or dwell on the situation. I messed up this morning.... I called her to say "good morning" and before we hung up I said "this is really hard and I really miss you." Afterwards, I thought to myself that it was totally the WRONG thing to say. I should have said my good mornings and that's it. Again, I need to learn how not to dwell on this, especially when I speak to her. I am sure she wants a confident man as well as a changed man - not just some wuss who is trying to cry his way back into a relationship.

Any suggestions? Should I contact her only in the evenings to wish her a good night? How can I show her that I love her and support her decisions without contacting her all the time?

Thanks everyone! This has to be the toughest test in life so far for me.

I am so sorry this is happening to you. I know how painful it is. It sounds like her wanting to move out is a sign that she wants more attention from you. You mentioned that you are taking her on a date, that is great! If you start taking her out once a week that might be a good start. She says she wants to rekindle so that is a good sign. From a woman's perspective it is painful to me that my husband stopped dating/courting me once we got married. Now he spends his Saturday nights out with his friends or in front of the TV. As you can see from my post I am also dealing with drug issues with him. <<sigh>>

d01,

Please read as much as you can here on this site. These people cover many topics and what you are going through has been talked about many times here. Your Marriage is by far not over, it just needs help. You are right, be a strong man and let her see that, don't point it out to her. She will see it on her own.
Good luck,
M2L

Man I can really feel your pain because I am in a similar situation. I wish my WS was at least willing to try. All the feelings you have are the same as many others here, including myself. You want so hard to try that you don't know what crosses the border. We have separated but are livig together, which I feel is more difficult than actually being apart. I tell her each morning "good morning" and can I get you breakfast. I am trying so hard to spend the time and pay the attention to her without invading her space. It has to be the hardest task I have ever done. For me there is an OM in the picture so the added stress of that makes this task hard to be strong with. Don't let her go, but int he process don't push her away. For me it was remembering those things that I used to do for her when we met. Dates are a big start and try to get those 15 hours a week to be "alone" with each other. I feel that was where I went south. We have 4 kids and the priorities changed. She needs to be the first priority no matter what, and be reminded how beautiful she is each day. Good luck keep your head up and be strong!!

Please stay faithful to the attitude you have! I have almost the exact same complaints about my husband as your wife does about you, only he says he could care less if I leave. Truthfully, he tells me if I want those needs met I need to come up with a plan on how he can possibly meet them! So, to hear you respond to her with a desire to fight for your marriage and take accountability for your actions, I am in awe. Please fight with everything you have for her. She does not sound like she wants to end your marriage, but she does seem like there needs to be a change. Read Dr. Harley's book his needs her needs immediatly. Learn her needs, and don't assume them. Show her what a priority she is, don't tell her. In fact, lack of follow through on your words is probably what got you here. Remain committed to this process even when things get better so that you never come back to this point. Try not to smother your wife with words right now, but pour out your love through your actions. Show her how committed you are and what high value she has in your life. I know I'd come back, running, if my husband did.
Good luck and may God bless your efforts and lead you through each step of recovery.

I recommend that you do lots of reading on this site - especially the parts about Emotional Needs & Love Busters. You may even want to post on the Emotional Needs board where there is more activity and you may get more information or assistance.

I feel like I can relate to your wife. I want a trial separation too, maybe she feels like me. My husband too is very harsh with his words and has not treated me too kindly these past seven years. Part of me wants to leave because I want to see how it is being on my own, just to try. I also want to step back before we become set in these destructive ways. I also know that he will appreciate me so much more if I were to leave. I stay because we have kids. I know in my heart that I will be with him in the end, I just want a break. I think if your wife needs this time that you should be frieking out, and grow from it. You cannot control the future and if you use this problem as a great opportunity to grow and strengthen your marriage that is all she is asking.

If she was #2, who was #1?

I think the best thing for you to do, is try to change, and make SURE it is for good. It's easy to change for a little while, and even easier to drift back into old habits. trust me, i know. good luck.