Hello
I am wondering if anyone out there who has been the betrayed spouce due to an EA find that their own emotions shut off? Since D-day and then I came to realize fully what it all meant, I feel dull. I am missing my full range of emotions. I cant answer when my fwh asks me what I am feeling. I think we are in the recovery stage, and am really batteling anger, resentment and major, major, major self esteem issues and self image that is now warped beyond recognition. I am also thinking that I am the most lazy person ever. I cant really get the energy to do anything beyond the minimum. I cant be bothered to really look into myself and do any digging. Doesnt really seem worth it or to have any point. Heres a basic run down of my situation;
Victim of drug/date rape at age 19 by a 27 year old
EA suspected with 18 year old sister (WH 26 yo) April
2005
EA confirmed with sister by WH July 2005
EA ended July 2005
Now attemtping recovery
FWH in IC
I am begining IC in two weeks.

Any help would be great.

thanks in advance DC

DC,

The sooner a WS turns into a real Xws, the sooner the BS will hit the various stages of recovery. Please see my sig line for more info.

Then come back and post your POVs.

L.

POVs? I looked over the 5 stages. i am familiar with Kubler-Ross. thing is I am not feeling a whole lot. I just dont like or trust myself. I feel anger and sadness and a weird form of happyness but thats it. No bargening, no acceptance, no denial. Just balnd bland bland. I have come to the conclusion that I am not a fun person to be around. Havent been before and cant be now. My Xwh's greatest need is for recreation, so hows that going to work? Not very well I can tell you. It jsut feels like I have been fooling myself this whole time. Is this normal for a BS? Or is it more likely due to the other stuff I am dealing with. I only started admitting, dealing with looking at the rape at the end of june.Keep in mind my Xwh has the same age difference from the sister he had an EA with as myself and the Mant hat attacked me. My husband (larrygeorge on here by the way) keeps telling me that non of this is normal and I am reacting to this situation abnormally due to the rape. I am not so sure. I think its WAAAAy to easy to blame all this stuff on such a situation. I dont think its clear cut. i also worry that by him saying that its passing the buck on the hurt he has caused. If I believe that it would only make it easier to not hold him accountable and dismiss what my own heart is telling me.
What does everyone on MB think?

DC

It sounds to me like you're trying to dismiss your own feelings, as being weird or wrong somehow, and you're trying to figure out what you should be feeling -- what's normal.

But that's going to just keep tying you up in knots. You don't need to dismiss what your heart is telling you. There isn't a way you are "supposed" to feel or not feel. Trying to tell yourself that you should be feeling differently than you do is just going to make things worse for you, make you feel worse about yourself.

Feel what you feel, they are your feelings, and you aren't weird or wrong or abnormal for having them. Accept them and figure out where they're coming from and share them. Feelings aren't wrong -- they are yours. Don't beat yourself up over how you feel or don't feel. There's plenty of other stuff in the pile to deal with and work through.


I do think that lots of BS's go through depression, and Harley and others pretty widely recommend anti-depressants to help get through some of the worst of that. Have you talked to a Dr. about AD's? They might help, too.

But mostly, quit beating yourself up. You are very normal and special and fun -- otherwise your H wouldn't have chosen you in the first place.

-AmI.

Me thinks you need to have closure of some sort. For me it was in a couple of ways. I love the ocean and it was there I almost ended my life (during depressive bouts due to the A) and it was there I got closure. I was able to yell and cry my heart out until I was done.

After the A, I realized a part of me had died due to the A. A very special part of me. So in a symbolic gester, I parted with one of my most precious memories of my marriage. My gown. It was custom made and some may think it was foolish. From a materialistic standpoint it was foolish but the symbolism helped me heal. It also stands as a unforgettable memory of how bad the A hurt my heart. Still it was something I had to do in order to heal. See the scar is still there but the pain has subsided immensely.

Call Steve H @ MB and get on a solid recovery plan.

JMHO,
L.

DC,

I want you to consider going to your regular doctor and talk to him about some anti-depressants. I'm not suggesting you "mask" your feelings....because this has been going on for some time now....and the rape memories have certainly impacted and compounded those feelings. I am not a person who takes drugs to feel better....but even I needed the ADs for a month or two so that I didn't just fade away to nothingness.

Some of the new ones like Effexor are very good and helping with the low energy level. I'm worried about you chere....make an appointment.

Don't you have the date incorrect? July 2005?

Didn't LarryGeorge just recently expose and end the EA with your sister?

Didn't you just recently begin discussing this with your mother?

DarkClouds,

The history that you give in your posts tends to be very inconsistent.

This has become a pattern that concerns me, Folks....

I was thinking the same thing mimi.....it must be July 200*6* ???

Star:

I have to admit to becoming leary about Dark Clouds and Larry George.

If she really needs our help, I hope she will clear up the pattern of inconsistencies so that I won't get concerned about being fooled by them.

Another example: This information about being RAPED at age 19 is NEW..

How tragic to have been raped at the same age that her sister is when her H started his EA with her?

LarryGeorge claims that the sister is a YOUNGER VERSION of HER...

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

The rape stuff isn't really new.....both she and lg have mentioned that she was also dealing with a past memory. This is just one of the few times she's identified what it was....but she mentioned the age thing to me before too. I'll see if I can find those posts.

Okay,

On the first post of this thread:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...rue#Post3085058

She posted these two things:

About her parents:
And then close to the bottom:


And I'm pretty sure I heard lg mention it on one of his posts, but I'd have too look....I know it was kind of a "vague" reference....but I think it's there.

Ok, Star.

Sorry. I missed this.

That's why it's easiest for me to only post to those who keep to one thread.

I'm a busy lady, multi-tasking lady with a middle-aged brain! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

U r dealing with multiple issues and each are deep by themselves. Please seek out a solid counselor and get to a doctor as Starfish recommeneded. Maybe some anti-d's can help with the coping.

If memories contain major stumbling blocks to your personal recovery, then they do need to be dealt with and no one can say that it is a minimal thing.

I have a friend who was raped while in her teens.....it was over 25 years later that she dealt with it and in the interim separated from her very loving and supportive husband for about 7 years. That man was patient. She treated him badly during those 7 years. The scary thing is I almost married, her brother. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> YIKES!

Her husband's family were good friends with ours and I did know her family history. Her own brother had his personal demons to deal with and well at the time it was more than I could handle to we never tripped down the aisle together. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> He is now happily married and I am glad for him. Funny....his wife reminds me of me. Even my H said so. Hm...... Anyways my point is that it is better to deal with the pain now than later.

I know you can work through this. It will be hard but with proper support and your personal will to survive, you will.

All the best,
L.

O.K. I am not really sure how to respond to all this. I honest to god wish that I was a fake. Oddly enough thats kinda what I feel like. A fake me. Doing, being, acting like me but not really me, if that makes sence. I mentioned in one of my posts that I am having MAJOR trouble with my memory. I attribute the typo to the same sort of thing. (it was subposed to say 2006) During my phone discussion with my new therapist she said that memory loss in this situation is to be expected. Cold comfort I can tell you.

I have only (this past week) been consistantly being referring to what happened to me when I was 19 (I am now 25) as rape. I really really really reaaaaaaaly HATE HATE HATE that word. It makes me natious and feel all woozy. I cant say the word out loud too much but I am finding thinking the word and writting it (by computer, not by hand) is getting easier. I choose to see that as growth. I think it brings up too many images of victimhood. Which is another word that repulses me. I hate the idea of me beign seen as a victim of anything, period. I have a wierd hang up about words, the four words I abhore the most (in order)
1. Rape
2. Let (as in, "I will let you do that.")
3. Victim
4. Penance

I am being flooded with a bunch of emotions right now. Which is probably a good sign. Its hard when you share with compleate strangers the by far most painfull expereinces of your life and you are not believed. I hope you do now. But on to other things now.

Orchid I had an appointment with my GP the other day. I needed her referral to get my insurance to pay for psychotherapy and I wanted to get a referral for masage therapy. (I think a little self care right now wouldnt go wrong) I didnt tell her exactly what was going on. She was less than supportive when my sister was diagnosed with her mental health issues a few years ago (NOT the one who was in the EA) So I am really tentative with sharing that kind of info. But I do see my psych. on the 13th and have a physical at the begining of October. So if things have not materially changed for the better by Ocotber I will ask to be put on ADs.

Today at work I had to work really hard not to let the tape play of "No one likes you, you are not fun. People find you boaring or they laugh at you." I think I got so tierd half way through the day the stereo system in my brain ran out of batteries. (I fell asleep at 2, woke up at 6) I have a very physically demanding job so I think that helps. Exhaustion seems to lead to a better DC at this point.

So what happens during recovery? I have tried briefly to find stuff on here but maybe I am not looking in the right places.
Thanks all
DC

Please accept my apology for questioning your honesty at this most difficult time for you.

However, do try to stay on one thread so that we can best help you by keeping all of the facts straight.

I admire your courage for working on all these issues.

Continue to hang in there.

Yes, yes..try to turn off those negative tapes...

DC,

I really don't want you to wait until October.....by October, I'd like to see you doing much better....so pay to see a better doctor and find one who isn't such a jerk so you can feel more comfortable being honest about your situation. If the therapist is an MD....they can prescribe ADs....and if they aren't....they can get your doctor to do so. When is that appt. again?

Massage is great.....so are things like yoga and meditation. How are you eating and sleeping? Chere....you're NOT boring, but I fear you ARE depressed. This will get better....but let's face it....Your mother has cancer, your husband confessed infatuation with your sister, and these memories of past abuse....have all converged at the same time. ANYBODY would be a wreck right now, okay? Cut yourself some slack.....and keep moving towards a healthier future. Was it general Patton who said "When you're going through h3ll, KEEP ON GOING!" ?

star*fish you made me laugh!!!! thanks. I needed that. More latter.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Laughter is good medicine for you right now too.

Hello all.

Thanks for all the support.

Yesterady was a pretty good day. Work went well. It was my last day there as I am going back to school tomorrow and it was a great day to go out on. When I get home I am often exhausted due to the extreamly physcial nature of what I do. (work with livestock) But when I got hom xwh wanted to get out of our house. He was frustrated with his work and wanted to go have fun. So I got showered and we went out for dinner and a movie.

Dinner went well as did the movie. It wasnt until the way home that things unraveled. Last week we got into a MAJOR argument/fight about his anger. It builds, builds, builds (not nessisarily towards me) and then when something small happens he explodes in rage. (not towards me). I was so upset last week I went over to my moms house to calm down and get refocused. She helpt me to refocus and pointed out that what I am essentailly saying is that there is a pattern to his rage in which he trys to get me to allow him to explode but I wont. He baits me, baits me, baits me. when i dont play along he gets a little angery at other things while it builds, all the while the tension is mounting. then at last he blows up, usually at something so minor that he take as a personal insult, but only infornt of hte person who would not hold him accountable and is a safe person to express himself to, me.

Often this anger take the form of road rage. When it happens he is off the deep end and scares the [email]h@ll[/email] out of me and so I get ticked and tell him to stop or I remove myself from the situation and then he really gets ticked. So I am explaining this to my mom (she wanst aware of this previously) and she mentions how it is the same for physical abuse. When he explodes, afterwards (the next day) he is quiet, sad and embarassed and acts like a sad puppy. Now none of this is EVER physical but its still is scary as h*ll and I think totaly unreasonable. It really hurts the relationship and my understanding of myself and our relationship and who he is as a person.

So anyway last night we were on our way home and it starts again. He says to me that he thinks my other sister (not the one in the ea) has a crush on him. Now this is really not happening. Its in his head. My sister has a multitude of social and emotional problems. Her ability to interact consistantly with others in a comfortable way is totaly compromised. She is scared of people. One of her major issues is that she really really realy does not like herself, trust herself and does not think anyone else could ever like her. So I know she looks up to him, but he drives her up the wall sometimes and scare her others. So I doubt that there is anything there.

But I do think he brought this up because he needs to stir things up. Everytime we are having a good time, on the way home he starts soemthing. Today we went rollerbalding and on the way home he tells me we never talk anymore and the excitement has gone out of our conversations and we never talk about anything anymore. This to me, is a bunch of cr*p. But I think that he needs to stir things up when they get good.

He is in love with drama. I was sitting in the car last night listening to him, getting more and more upset. He says to me that he can see i am upset and I say yeah I am. heres an approximate script of our conversation

XWH = "See, now your upset!"
Me = stay quite, look out window.
XWH ="argh this is why I should never had said anything now your all upset."
me = nods noncomittaly
XWH = "Are you upset?"
Me = "Well yes I am upset. Did you think I wouldnt be?"
XWH = "Well great now your pisszed at me and I just wante to share something with you that has been bothering me."
Me = "I am allowed to get upset soemimes, I feel what i feel."
XWH = "Well what did you want me to have done anyways, not told you? But now your upset."
Me = "I am glad that you told me but really, did you honest to god not think that I would find this upsetting??"
XWH = "Well, well how was I subposed to know. its been bugging me for a while. I have been thinking about this for a few weeks. I just thought aht if I want her brother in law I would be thinking she was interested in me. Like interested interested , if you know what I mean."
Me = "So you can see hwy this would upset me. You tell me a few weeks ago that you are in love with your sister (never mind that you now tell me you never were and it was all a mistake) and now you tell me that my sister has a crush on you. And you WONDER why I am upset? Did you actually think, 'hmmm, she wont mind...'?"

Then I had a bit of an epifany when I realized it was happening again, on our way home he picked up the one topic that would send me over the edge. An innaporpriate situation with one of my sisters. Now we were argueing so great night adverted and we are now on course for a major arguement. And he is safe to not get closer to me and it can be my fault be cause "all" he was doing was telling me a concern of his.

Near the end of the conversation he accuses me of putting together what he was saying right then with the idea of the abusive anger thing and the drama addiction and the need to fight on the way home and using all of those to dismiss what he was saying. At that time that very idea was just being born into my head. Now I am sure of it.

So today when we had another fight on the way home from a fun day at a beautiful park in a bright warm sunshine with the trees changing colours where we both got to do soemthing we enjoyed (him rollerbalde together, me watch polo together)he starts a fight on another very sensitive topic. How much fun (or lack of) he has arround me. I bring up the idea that why he doesnt enjoy tlaking with me anymore is that i really am a boaring person. He dismisses that as me trying to cause a fight. (I wanst) and then sayd that it wasnt allways this way so it cant be that its happening becasue I am boaring. So now I am unsure what to do or where to go with this new insight.

Is this need for drama and to start fights common? I also think that this maybe connect to another thing he told me one night comming home when we were warming up for a fight, that he "thinks about her 9my sister) when things get hard for him to deal with. Like when I am upset with him. Like when we fight. So I am wondering if he is starting these incredibly painful arguements so he can spend time thinking about her. Or is it it allows him to be distant from me without it being his fault. I think its the latter.

As allways input would be great.

DC

you married an child and an a-hole. You would be better off cutting your losses now and moving on before he destroys you and your family.