One of the reasons my wife is putting up against her doing a "trial re-move-in" test, is that it is "so much worse for the kids, if we try and fail".

Anyone know where I could find good info on that, positive or negative?
(the children are now 5 years old)


Please, no, "in my opinion" posts... obviously, in MY opinion, it's better to try <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> References to specific websites, or even more specific web search terms to search for, would be much appreciated, though.

In my opinion, I don't think I could live up to your lofty standards, so I will pass. But, that is just my "opinion!" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Let me get this straight techie...You want keywords and links so that you can go in search of OTHER people's OPINIONS, because somehow ours herein just aren't good enough for you? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> Hmmm...

I think I'll have to pass on being a research assistant...Sorry...Good Luck with that though...

Just My .02 aka MY OPINION...

Mrs. W

Well this is a delimma I may have to face soon so I would be interested in anyone's opinion here. I can start my own thread though so that people can post their google searches to techie's question.

I don't think there is any research addressing "divorce vs. reconcilation-that-fails." The research is pretty clear, however, that a nontoxic marriage is better for the kids than a divorce, if that helps. If you have a chance to make the marriage work, I would take it. If it succeeds, the kids will be better off. If it fails, the kids will probably not remember this interlude.

no, I want keywords and links so that it will be easier to find published research, and case studies on this stuff.
(or at the very least, a professional opinion from a child psychologist <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> )

This stuff is hard to search for. sometimes, there IS such thing as too much information.

twould be nice to find specifics on that. got any bookmarks handy? so far, I see a lot of stuff expounding the wonderfulness of "non-toxic coparenting after divorce". arg.

techie...

Here's the thing, if given the opportunity to TRY and reconcile your marriage by moving back in together, there is no doubt in my mind that this is the BEST for all involved...Of course the "try" MUST come from BOTH you and your WW in the long run...It really is a no brainer...If you and she TRULY have the best interests of your children in mind you will TRY...Personally I wouldn't trust any "professional" that told you otherwise...It really isn't rocket science, ya know? Dr. Phil would most certainly tell you both that you have to "earn your way out of a marriage"...He, a noted professional, has a "few" books out I hear...<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Your wife telling you that it will be much worse for the kids for you to try and fail is nothing more than a bunch of fog babble...Guess what techie, most experts know better than to research the ramblings of the foggy...Your wife is NOT considering your children at all, no matter how much lip service she pays to the issue of their well being...If she was truly prioritizing them, she would not have gotten involved in an AFFAIR and moved out in the first place...No joke...I've been down that road and I can assure you that the pursuits on that particular route are all VERY SELFISH...

So it will not matter one iota what research you present to her on it or how convincing that YOU believe that it is...She will merely come up with yet another foggy objection, and send you on another wild goose chase...Don't believe me? Then give this a try...Present her with some fake research in support of moving back in and giving it a go being the BEST for children regardless of success or failure of the endeavor...Watch the wheels start churning in her head and the fog begin to spew from her mouth...Care to bet on it?

Mrs. W

P.S. Aren't you counseling with SH? What has he said to you regarding this??? Also, have you read the material on this site about the effects of infidelity on children?

I dont understand my wife. In some areas, I think she's more "stubborn" than "fogged".

She reacted favourably when I told her a success rate for recovery after affairs. I might have gotten it wrong, so I wont post the number here. but the thing is... it did register with her. (enough for her to say she would be willing to talk to SH one time. remains to be seen if she will STICK to that. I certainly hope she does.)

I cant blame her for that part. Before coming here, I thought that affair == no escape from marital failure. She was making assumptions about "what is best", based on other flawed assumptions.

So, if there ARE numbers, or studies, or SOMETHING.... I actually think it will have some impact on her.

as far as asking Steve: I'm trying to ration my money on that, and I'm "between sessions" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

techie...

What you need to understand is that your wife is indeed FOGGED out...PLEASE ACCEPT THAT...When you do, you will be better able to stop trying to apply logic to the illogical...Seriously, you can't rationalize with the irrational...

Let me tell you why she responded to the facts that you quoted to her...I believe you gave her some number like 80% of marriages that experience infidelity don't break up...(I read that on your other thread)....You know what your WW heard when you said that? "That means that my affair has a 20% chance of survival"...NO KIDDING...REALLY...I went in search of stats while wayward to find out what my chances were and how I could perhaps give it better odds...Techie, I was not some different wayward-DUDE WAYWARDS ARE CUT FROM THE SAME FOGGY CLOTH...PLEASE LISTEN!!!

And on your other thread where she tried to make you feel shame for being seen reading SAA...HUH??? Don't accept that!!! You don't have to shout at her or anything, just ask questions that "charge neutral"...Say, "Oh wow, what did you tell them? Did you tell them that you were having an affair? I certainly hope that they didn't think it was me that was having an affair, maybe I should call them and straigten it out...Who called you and said that?"...Don't appologize to her for trying to save your marriage techie...Tell her that you are doing all that you can to save your marriage and family from the infidelity beast...THAT IS A NOBLE ENDEAVOR...Don't be ashamed of it or let her make you into the bad guy...You are fighting the good fight here...

Mrs. W

Techie,

There is no magic pill, no professional website or anything construed that will GUARANTEE success.

The factors here are much more complex than that. Yet it could also be quite simple. It boils down to what each of you are willing to do to repair your M.

The line you gave about 'worse for the kids if it fails' already shows failure. You both have no idea that you are setting your own M and children up to fail.

Stop looking for the quick fix and look deep down...each of you, look deep down and figure out if you are each worth being in the M. The chidlren will suffer and survive either way. The guilt of the one who decides to abandon the family will be their own guilt to carry for the rest of their lives but it will be their decision.

You can't control your W but you can control you.

Now I can give you 1 professional to call: Jennifer C @ MB. Do some phone counseling. Jennifer is MB knowlegeable and she with her experience can give you the guidance you need.

Also you need to learn when u r being babble to by your WS and when she is really speaking to you from her heart. Right now it is all mixed up because she is mixed up.

As for our opinions? That's where the lessons in life start. Pay attention, there's more info here than you realize. Learn to identify the good and discard the bad. Before you do that, you must learn how.

Keep reading. One former poster brazenly posted she did NOT want to be taught. Those kind of attitudes can never learn even if it is for their own benefit. I sincerely hope you are not like that. Your family's future hangs on the decisions you make.

take care,
L.