n update on whats been happening in my world.

I had to call EXWH a few nights ago and got his voice mail about 8 pm. We received a check from the insurance co. on a refund . So I called to let him know so we could go get it cashed. So he called me back the next morning at 7:26 I was asleep. I finally called him back about 8 or so. I told him about the check and he was well just out it in your account. I said not sure I can since its in both our names. Anyway I asked how my dogs were and he said they are ok. He then said get a piece of paper so you can write down my new address. So I did and i thanked him and that was it. He says well I will talk to you later.

Well things didn't go as planned with the check thing. We still don't have it cashed and who knows when it will happen.

He called me on Friday morning and asked me to just put it in my account and give him a copy of the check and reciept for half of it. He wanted to use his half as part of my alimony. I told him no the bank needs us both since its in both our names and he is not on my account. Next thing I know he is screaming at me to the top of his lungs on the phone about how he should not have to pay alimony and how he thinks his attorney worked on my side not his. He said I told the attorney if you waived alimony I would waive CS for DS. I told him I know this but I turned his offer down and took my chances.

He kept on and on about how his attorney screwed him and now he has to pay all of this stuff. Next thing I know he is ranting about why he left same old reasons... My depression, my neglect of him and on and on it went. I finally got angry and was almost in tears and said wait a minute you are going to listen to me now.

I said maybe some of what you say is true but I have apologized to you for my part, what the ****** else do you want from me? I tried to save our marriage I asked you to come home and give OW up but you would not even try. Then I got the I was scared BS I was afraid things would never change. I said you were not the only one scared EXWH but you will never know if things could have changed because you refused to even try.

I told him these were your choices, you chose to leave, you chose to file divorce which I never wanted. Now here are the consequenses for your actions not mine. He said your right these were my choices and I didn't think like I should have. I said EXWH you have not thought in over a year. he said you didn't love me anymore, I said of all the things that happened I never stopped loving you but you refused to listen or see things could be better. After I said to him all of this he had nothing he could say he just got quiet and said well I will get you your money even if I have to pay you everyweek. End of conversation.

Then a good thing happened DS called and stayed the night with me sunday. After almost a month of ignoring me he wanted to spend time with me. So I went to their new hovel and picked him up sunday night after work. We had a nice time and he kept asking me when was i going to get my own place. I told him soon I hope. He then said well I will help you move everything from storage. He said his dad has left all of his stuff in storage. I said why would he do that now that they have a house. He said because his dad said he had stuff he didn't want to throw away so he was just keeping everything in storage. So from DS I learn EXWH has taken nothing to this new hovel except his clothes and a few items most all he has is in storage and staying there for now.

I took DS home Monday morning before work since I had a 12 hour day. I got him there and the OW was at work so I pulled in the drive way like i owned the place and EXWH was home from work. I let DS out and as I pulled out I saw EXWH at the door looking out at me. He was standing back away from it but he was seen anyway.

I have to say the yelling at me really got to me that day but it didn't brak me down to much. Mostly made me angry. I was shocked he was yelling at me about why this all happened again. We have not had that conversation since Dec. it was out of the clear blue and not expected. All I wanted was to cash the check but he needed to yell at me again about my faults.... He got what he wanted why does he have to keep yelling at me????


I did call my friend who is a counselor after this call and she said he is cracking now. She said BS he is now finding himself where you were a year ago when he left. No money and feeling no way out. She said he see's you moving ahead and he is now in a mess and does not know what to do. She said he is like a puppet right now. OW pulling him her way but yet his heart is pulling him another direction and he is fighting it. So dragging you back into the drama makes him feel good because he has upset you again. He knows how to push your buttons.

My MIl and her both feel that once I have my own place he is going to be knocking on my door one day. They both think he would never do it while I am here because he does not want anyone else to see him grovel. Like I told them both if it ever happens and thats a big IF it is still a long ways away. And I am not sure anymore what I feel. He would have to do so much I am not sure he could.

I still have hard time with how he accused his own attorney of working against him. Talk about being fogged out thats just crazy.

Like my friend told me, BS if he was truly happy and not care about you he would gladly pay his money just to keep you out of his life. But he still yells at you and says how he was scared he is not indifferent to you at all.... You still get to him and he still cares......
I do believe he is more angry with himself than me but of course its easier to yell at me than face himself or his OW with the destruction they caused. I do hope someday for his own peace of mind he can come to grips with what he has done.

I am sitting here now trying to gather the courage to call him and find out when he plans on meeting me at the bank to cash this check. I really don't want to have to see him but there is no other way. I have got to get to the point where seeing him does not affect me in any way. I am not there yet but its not as bad as it used to be.

You would think after a year and a half I would have gotten over this mess and not even care anymore. But I do care and thats what makes it so hard to deal with him. I know he does not care about me anymore and i keep asking myself how can I care for someone who has hurt me so bad? The person he is today is someone I dont even like and OW is welcome to that person. But I know somewhere deep down inside is the person I know and loved for so many years.

This whole thing just makes me crazy......

Nice to hear from you Hurting.

Sounds like your EXWH has a really big case of "buyer's
remorse" ! He caved in to the OW, went through with the D,
and now is realizing what he's left with- no family, bills
to pay, and the OW. I think his frustration and anger is
with himself, not you, because he KNOWS he let his pride
and stubborness, and lack of courage to try to change things
take everything away from him that was important.
Some of what he said, especially "he didn't think like he
should have" sound like there was at least a bit of a break
in the FOG.

I'm very glad your son is coming around and that you were
able to spend time together. Sounds like he is anxious for
you to have your own place, hopefully so he can spend more
time with you !

As you've probably read on my thread, WH filed the D papers
last week (although he didn't apparently have the courage to
tell me so) then went to Las Vegas for the weekend with OW.
I've yet to receive the papers and haven't heard anything
from WH this week, except an email regarding our health
insurance (problem regardin coverage for his D10). So odd
to me that he can file the paperwork, but then still try to
act nice and friendly, as though it's "no big deal",but then
the WS do very strange things.

Sounds like you are doing great- I always admire that you've
been able to "keep it together" so well, despite all that
has happened. Don't feel like I've been able to do that.
Slammed

Hi there,

Well... you tell EXWH next time he wants a PITY-PARTY, you're not coming!!!!!

It's good to hear from you. I've been thinking of you, and wondering how you are doing.

Lady

Good to hear from you Hokie, glad you got to spend some time with DS. Sounds like the ole boy is cracking up <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />.

Right Jean, he's about to hit rock bottom.

oklahoma, stay away from him. He's going to continue lashing out. Let the Ho take the fallout. She wanted him. She should have the whole package. [After all, you don't want to take what belongs to her, now, do you?]

OK -

If you want him back (I don't know if you do, but if you do), guard your heart. When you meet him, when you talk to him, Plan A.

Guard your heart for him for later. You might need it.

My mother in law needed hers.

She and my FIL remarried after he left her for the OW.....almost eight years later, he knocked on her door. OW had left him, the fantasy had crashed, the reality of what he had done had come home, and he wanted to come home too. She had actually waited for him - and she took him back! She stayed in her own version of a Plan A during the whole time, even being nice to OW's daughter during the back-and-forth child custody weekends.

The two of them are celebrating their "second time around" 40th anniversay this year, and their marriage total years is about 49 or 50 years.

It's never too late to start over, and it just goes to show you - Plan A can work - it worked for her, even when it didn't have a name.

SB

Hi, I agree, he is not a happy camper. I have always thought that he has gotten himself in too deep and can not find his way out -- until -- you get your own new place. He will come around, this I am sure...

I am also very glad that you got to tell him some of the stuff that you have wanted to. You sound alot stronger.

Don't worry, hon. I do not believe this is over yet.

Carnation

Okie:

Again........Why are you still allowing him this power in your life. You feel this way because you allow yourself to feel this way. Simple actually.

Take the power away from him, and a good amount of your grief will also go away. Your divorced from this man. Please give up the dysfunctional "need" to be involved with him in any way.

LM

LM

Lemonman has spoken. U heard him right?

I know it is hard but he still has a ways to be go to even be good enough to be within 100 yards of you.

He is sooo deep in poo that he can't step down your street without leaving a stinky mess behind.

He will learn his lesson but don't let it be at your expense. I think you still are holding on in your heart.

L.

How to respond to all of this . First off Slammed I don't believe its buyers remorse. I think its just plain pissed it didn't go his way. He truely expected an easy divorce with no complications. He never planned on loosing his home or having to deal with a 16 year old son full time.He really thought he could get a quick and cheap divorce without paying anything to me. He lost half his 401K and pays me alimony for 5 years. This was not in the cards or so he thought. Fanstasy land is very short on cash so it makes for not so happy people.

LM and Orchid, Glad to hear from you both. Your right for some dysfunctional reason I am having a hard time letting go. I am not really sure if its because I want him back or just want to see him crash and burn and feel the pain. I will admit to loving the man I knew and thats hard to get over. I sure don't like the man he is today and I would love to see him disappear.

I am staying away from him I don't want another screaming round with him. It takes to much out of me to listen to that crazy stuff.

As far as holding on in my heart that may be true, but how do you let it go? I am not sure how....

Don't get me wrong here I don't sit around and cry about it . I live my life and am looking forward to doing some things for me. I am excited about finding a little home for just myself and my dogs. It will be all mine to do as I please. No one to answer to and no one else to pick up after. After many years of taking care of a family it will be an adjustment for sure but I am looking forward to it.

I will be fine and believe me I will move ahead and have a happy life.


Hurting

HiO,

""So I went to their new hovel"" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" /> Awesome!!

Please mail that &%#*! check to him with a self addressed stamped envelope back to you, with a simple note saying ENDORSE THIS.

He can send the check back to you and you can deposit in your account and keep his 1/2 for alimony if you wish.

This way YOU DON"T HAVE TO SEE HIM!!

Every time there is contact between you, it is rough on you but I bet the OW just GOES BALLISTIC on the boy if and when she finds out. That's why he goes off on you, plus his utter frustration at his sitch.

That greener grass has turned brown and is rotting beneath him.

krk

Watch out for this one, hurting. One of the "dysfunctional" things that draw us back is the need to watch karma at work.

Laws are laws. When you throw the ball up in the air, you know it will come down. You know he's headed for a crash-and-burn. You don't have to see it to know it. Trust it.

The wish to watch it happen (I know; I feel the same) is one of the emotions that will keep you tied to the situation. It will never happen fast enough, and that will frustrate you. You'll need to keep up contact to check on the progress of the car accident.

Just because you're divorced it doesn't mean you have to renew contact. Krusht's idea was a good one, and Lemonman and Orchid are right.

Even if you want him back -- there's little good in offering bandages while the accident is still in progress. Wait till the accident has happened, and the patients aren't hitting you. Then come in with bandaids, if you want to.

Hurting,

People only have the power over you and your feelings that you allow them to have.

Stop giving him permission to effect your life in a negative way.

I let very few people vent on me, raise their voice to me, or yell at me. I give them that permission if I am being an idiot. LOL or I have done something wrong enough to warrant that type of behavior from them.

I can tell you that an ex will never receive that type of permission.

I agree with the advice everyone has given you. I would say if and when this happens again politely decline his invitation into the craziness. Do not give him permision to treat you this way.

Even though he is your Ex you do still need to interact on some level because of the children.

You should set the boundry that he is not to speak to you in that manner from now on. If he does then you have every right to hang up.

Good luck. Sounds like he is starting to feel the consequences of his decesions. Good for him. You don't need to worry about that thought.

The fact of the matter is this. It seems to me you have learned a lot from this sitch and you are better for it.

HiO,



...glad to have some news from you...and this is a good plan...and I am sure by doing so...you'll get to see more of your DS.

KRUSHT's idea about the check is a good one..... Your WS does not yet deserve to be in contact with you if can't do it with respect.....and yes, I would agree with the idea that he is mad at himself...and will be angry for a long time, I think...and is 'taking it out' on whomever he can....just don't let be you....


((((((((((((((((O)))))))))))))))))

Hi Okla,


I was wondering, do you feel a little better getting that off of your chest? You seemed to want to vent, I didnt see it as a totally bad idea, what do you think, now?

I do also agree that being less emotionally involved can only be a good thing. You are working through this and you have come a very long way, and I think you are still on the right track. You'll get to that healthy spot soon, I'd bet!


Please continue to take good care of yourself! - Dru

Hey, Hiya, hello Okla. . .

From long ago - posted to your threads. Glad to see you are doing well and that you put a little shaft to that which deserved it.

I agree with everyone here who has made comment. Well, except for one thing. Next time he rants, let him vent, then say, "Paybacks hurt, don't they?"

Well maybe not *grin*

Larry

PS - Things are going great here. Mental health attack and all that.

Actually, hurting hasn't discovered one of the best parts of divorce. There are lots of ugly parts -- but a few good ones.

If he starts screaming again, you disconnect. Don't hang up noisily, just push down the little button. Eventually, he will hear the dial tone, and wonder how long he was screaming into the emptiness. He will wonder whether you hung up on him, or whether you were disconnected...

You don't have to let him, or anyone, scream at you. That's the joy of divorce.