Please bear with me as this is the first time I have ever posted anything on the internet, much less a question regarding my personal life.
My alcoholic husband of 19 years has recently relapsed after being sober for 8 months. The 8 months that I had with him were so wonderful! I didn't know that a marriage could be that great and I thanked God every day for his decision to not drink. During our marriage he has always had a drink in his hand so I had never been with him sober. Now that I have seen how good life can be, I just don't think I have it in me anymore to go back to the ****** that my children and myself were use to living in, much less watch him slowly die from the physical effects of alcohol.
His relapse occured approx. 3 weeks ago, although he is lying to me and to his parents, siblings. I have really developed a talent for recognizing when he has been drinking and then of course, I have to go out in his truck and find the evidence.
I feel like a loved one has died. I have cried so much I don't think there is a tear left and I am starting to see the changes in our children. They are starting to isolate in their bedrooms to avoid thier dad and I walk on around with the same disguisting look on my face that I am so showing from the past.
I guess what my main problem right now is that I am desperately seeking some sort of comfort and I can't find any. I am familiar with Al-Anon yet I don't seem to find any hope there. I don't understand how I can detach from an alcoholic who is verbally abusive to our children and myself and still live a happy life. How can we do this and continue to live with him? I can remember all of the christmas's that we had to hide in a bedroom because he was drunk and cussing everyone because we didn't want to watch the history channel. I also remember when our kids wanted to have a friend over but their dad was so drunk he could barely walk. Or the times when he called our kids "little ******". How can we go back to this way of life after having those precious 8 months of heaven?
If anyone can please give me any sort of advice, comfort, hope, anything! Thanks, grieving

Oh grieving, my heart breaks for you. What a terrible burden to be under. You are not alone. Let me think on this for a while and I will get back to you. I am new on here as well but I will give you all the support I can. Keep strong let your children know you love them.

DC

Hi,

I'm terribly sorry for your situation.

Does your H believe he as a problem with booze?

Does he have any idea how he acts when he is high?

The reason I ask is that it would be fairly easy to turn on a video recorder and tape his behavior. When he is sober, play the tape for him. I don't know if will make a difference with him, but it would sure be a wake up call to me.

I can tell that you care for this man, you have stayed this long. I will say that the verbal abuse . . . especially to the kids needs to stop now. You are doing your kids no favor exposing them to this.

Have you tried Alanon?

I would suggest that you add a few more details, like
How long have you been married?
How many kids, and how old are they
Has your husband had an affair? (I only ask that because this board specializes in infidelity. You are certainly welcome to post here, whether he has had an affair or not, but just be aware the most people here will assume you are a victim of infidelity)

You made this comment:
“I don't understand how I can detach from an alcoholic who is verbally abusive to our children and myself and still live a happy life.”

Tell me what you mean by this. Do you mean that you need to detach and still live with someone who is verbally abusive to you and your children? Because, in my opinion, you should not subject your children to this abuse for 1 more day! YOU deserve to be treated better. Your children deserve to be treated better. And every day that you stay in this abusive situation, you are teaching your children that this is as good as it gets. They should never expect life to get any better. And they will likely end up in the same type of abusive marriage themselves. Please, think about the lessons your children are learning.

Your Husband needs to hear strong message from you, right now. That message is “I will NOT stand for this one more day. My children and I will no longer hide in the bedroom, fearful of your rage. This Christmas, no matter how poor we are, we will celebrate with Love and we will not hide in fear”

You have seen such hope in your husband these past 8 months. You know that he is capable of so much more. Do not allow him to fall back into the same old abusive patterns. He needs to be out on his butt today. You need to find a way to make this happen.

My husband lived with an alcoholic father and step mom, until he turned 15 and ran away from him to live with his Grandma. He still suffers a lot of the effects of growing up in an alcoholic, abusive home. It is hard for him to trust people, hard for him to open up. We are in counseling right now to try and deal with some of the memories that haunt him from the past, and I am AMAZED at what he has seen and heard. It makes me furious to think that the adults in his past allowed never stood up and said, “today, I am going to stand up for this young man, and declare that the abuse stops TODAY. Not tomorrow, TODAY.”
He told me a story yesterday – that he and his dad were working on a model plane together. It was getting close to his bedtime, but he asked his dad if he could please stay up a little longer to finish the wing. His Dad said yes. About 10 minutes later his step mom went into his bedroom and said “get your butt to bed, it is bedtime” he replied “Dad said I could stay up and finish this one wing” his Dad hollered from the living room “live him alone, I told him he could stay up” a big fight ensued. My husband, who was about 13 at the time, was terrified. He said “Its ok Dad, I will got o bed” in order to stop the fight, but his dad and step mom were both drunk at the time. The fight escalated to the point where his step mom grabbed a shotgun and threatened to shoot his Dad. Eventually she put the gun down, everyone calmed down, and my husband went to be and lay awake all night, blaming himself, because he wanted to stay up past his bedtime to work n a model plane. My husband carried that memory even today, 30 years later. Please stop the cycle of abuse for your children right now. Stick up for them by removing them from this nightmare they are living.

Can you and the children move in with family? Can your husband go live somewhere else?

You can't.

Al-anon is actually your best hope is learning why you are enabling him to continue to drink while he lives in your home and abuses your children.

I can't get too involved in this without getting triggered and angry as I grew up with an alcoholic dad and a mother who refused to leave him.

He finally died a very, very horrible death brought on by his own hands to end his misery. But not before my mother died in a way I beleve was more like checking out. Such is the way in alcoholic familes where hope has died.

Get yourself into Al-anon, prepare for an intervention, and then do not let him into your life again except after he becomes sober.

Sorry if that seemed a little cold, but I really, really feel for your children as well as you. You're kids don't really have a choice, they are at the mercy of your weakness.

Good luck, and I pray you get into the Al-anon program. There is hope, as you saw for 8 months, he can do it...make it too painful for him not to clean up again (intervention, removal from the home)...with the help of Al-anon who are trained in this sort of thing.

He is fighting something that he needs your strength of intolerance for in order for him to find his strength...

There is no begging, pleading, stonewalling, fighting that is going to change anything...only tough love, only refusal to allow him near you or the kids until he is sober. This can give him enough desire to find the strength he needs to get sober again and stay sober.



And look to God for strength, because this is something you really need to have inner strength to deal with.

Weaver,

You aren't being cold here, you are telling her what she needs to make this better. I hope she listens.

I hope so too CN.

Grieving,

There are several posters here who either did the tough love on their alcoholc spouse or had it done on them where it worked.

I have a friend, a very smart lady, who got her husband into rehab by filing for divorce. She then had a contract drawn up by her atty saying that if he ever drank again the divorce proceedings would restart, and he would walk away with nothing.

He signed it and didn't drink again for the rest of his life.

Because of the nature of the disease it takes an incredible amount of desire/strength on the part of the alcoholic to be able to quit...and usually this only happens as a result of great personal loss.

And it becomes harder as the body and mind deteriorate from the alcohol.

Grieving,

If you have family near leave.

I am a product of an alcholic father that died a horrible death that I was able to witness.

My FWW is an alcoholic who is now 8 month's sober.

If she were to relapse now I would pack a bag for me and my children and go to my mom's house.

I have made a decesion knowing what I know that I will no longer subject myself or my children to that ever again.

This is not even open for discussion nor is it a hard decesion for me to make.

There are absolutely no positives for anyone when she drank. There were plenty of negatives.

If he is not being honest then leave or ask him to leave.

You can only control you and your actions not those of the addict. You cannot do anything to make him stop all you can do is make sure you insulate you and the children from his destructive behaviour.

grieving, please do yourself, your husband and your children a big favor and remove yourself from this situation. He will continue to drink and abuse as long as he can get away with it. As you have discovered, trying to reason with a drunk is a wasted exercise.

An alcoholic usually only responds to enormous pain and that comes from facing the consequences of his behavior. I would suggest filing for divorce and getting him legally kicked out into the street. That would be the kindest thing you could do for him and it may very well save his life in the end. Your kids should not have to endure another day of his abuse.

Grieving - are you still out there??

Dr Harley's original ideas for Plan A and Plan B were based on his years of substance abuse counseling.

You have had a typical false recovery.

It's probably time for Plan B.

Also, not all Al-Anon groups are the same. Look for a different group that fits you better. Perhaps an all-women's meeting. I attend an all-men's meeting and it is much better for me than the others I tried.

He will get a lot worse before he ever, if ever, starts to get better again. Falling off the wagon does that.

With prayers,


Ed: If he has not yet been in a certified treatment program you need to do an intervention.