Well, I guess it's over. I can't even believe it. I can't understand why. I was so devoted. I did everything he asked of me. The house was spotless. Homemade dinner on the table every night by 6:30. Worked full time. Handled all the finances (not because I wanted to, because he refused). Sex was awesome! I made mistakes, I know. But he never told me about them, I had to first guess at what they were and then guess at how to fix them. Once I became aware that my tone with him was sometimes disrespectful I worked double-time to fix that. But he wouldn't budge on anything I needed from him. I know there is another woman in the picture, but I don't know why!

Anyway, I had enough on Saturday when he lashed out at me (a consistent behavior for him throughout our marriage) and asked him to leave. I thought it would lead to sadness and maybe even repentance, but he's thrilled! He called me yesterday to make sure that I was aware that this was NOT a temporary arrangement. How can he be so cold-hearted?

I'm sure I'll be better off in the end . . . his behavior has always bordered on emotional abuse and has graduated to all-out rage lately. I should be glad, but I'm scared to death! How do I support three kids alone? They're all from a previous marriage, so child support is not an option. I didn't become a Christian until I was 30 years old, then I met my "Christian" husband and was positive it was all smooth sailing from there. How do I understand that a man that sings in the choir, goes on mission trips, has such a heart to serve others could possibly abandon us like this with no remorse?

I'm devastated. I didn't even know there was a problem until a month ago, and now it's over. How in the world do I handle all this?

I’m so sorry, BrokenOne. Reading through you’re description of your marriage, I had to stop and wonder. It doesn’t sound like it was much of a partnership. What did he give you? What did you get from the relationship… besides awesome sex?

Okay, now, let’s get practical. You handled all the finances, right? That can work to your benefit. If you are at work, leave now, and take most of the money out of the joint accounts. Call and cancel the credit cards that are in both your names. Then, call a lawyer to get some information. You don’t have to file for divorce, but you need to be prepared so that your H doesn’t take advantage of you.

I’d also suggest the book by Dr. Bryn Collins, Emotional Unavailability. Even the preface speaks to your relationship. You keep trying harder, and he keeps switching the rules, and nothing you do really makes the grade. Guess what? It’s not you. It’s him. And then, Dr. Collins says something I really like “You didn’t break him/her. You can’t fix him/her.”

Hang on. You'll be fine.

Greengables,

Thank you so much. You're right, it has been almost entirely one-sided. Everyone, from my co-workers to my kids to my pastor, has told me the same thing. It's in my brain, but somehow hasn't made it to my heart yet. Thank you, though. I need to keep hearing that.

I will order the book you suggested. Irony of ironies, I was so full of hope by the end of last week that I ordered the Harley's books. They'll probably come in today. I think I'll still read them so that I can prepare myself for the future. At least I'm still certain there IS a future! That's got to be a good sign.

B, when you read Dr. Harley’s books, please keep in mind that Plan A won’t work on people who are users. These people include addicts, people with personality disorders, abusers and bone-selfish people. I’m not a mental health professional and you’ve only given me a very small glimpse at your H, so I can’t tell if your husband falls into one of those categories. However, what you’ve posted points that way.

It’s a sad part of life that many some who are very active and giving to society are toxic as get out to their most intimate relations. My aunt was like that. She did a lot of good volunteering in the community. Yet, she was a poison in her home.

Please do not neglect the practical ends. When I was in college and worked as a bank teller, I saw the “first one to the bank wins” played out. It’s terrible when you go to cash a check and there’s nothing there.

Regardless, hang in there. I remember spending a lot of time suffering because my h’s actions were telling me I wasn’t worth the effort. I spent a lot of time trying to prove to myself and him I was worth the effort. Eventually, I hit an epiphany. It didn’t matter what my H thought about my worth. It didn’t even matter how I valued myself. God created me, therefore I am worthy. I am valuable. God doesn’t make garbage.

Hi BrokenOne,

I cried as I read your post because I am in a similar experience with my Christian H. I was very new in my spiritual walk when I met him. He was my role model, a leader in the church and served in several ministries. Never once did I ever think I'd be in the situation I'm in right now. Unfortunately, Christians aren't immune from marital probs, adultery and sin. We aren't immune from suffering. Yesterday, our pastor spoke of suffering in his sermon. We're not protected from suffering but God is always with us throughout the pain and suffering. We will become better Christians as we endure our suffering and keep our eyes focused on God.

I've had my good and bad days throughout this ordeal. I had a really tough one yesterday. I sobbed for hours. My head hurt afterwards but I did feel better letting the tears flow. I can't help to think about the hurt that my WH has caused because I tried all that I could be a good wife. I did everything for him. I was willing to do even more for him after d-day. Unfortunately, he's continued to walk down the path of sin without any remorse.

Please take care of yourself. It's easy to get distracted by the past but we all need to look to the future. God has a plan for you, one that is even greater than the one you thought you had.

Surround yourself with your friends and family. Do things for yourself. Get a massage. Get a facial. Ride your bike. Go running. Go out to dinner. Participate in church activities. There are plenty of people that love you. Hang in there. You will be okay.

I will be praying for you.

He has to. Otherwise, he will have to face the fact that he is wrong and he can't handle that.

My WH was also a "Christian" and I think that makes it worse. He even said that he believes God brought him and OW together in a letter I have that he wrote to OW. He acts as if everything is my fault, but it's all just a way to justify himself.

Be willing to work on things if he does change, but protect yourself from the worst. Don't expect him to be nice or give you a fair settlement.
*Pray..Cry...Pray....!!!!
*Get a good lawyer and a separate checking account asap.
*Reach out to your church and friends for help.(It's hard.)
*Look for a DivorceCare program in your area.
*Get on some of the treads on this site dealing w/saving the marriage after an affair. You may still have a chance.
*Let yourself grieve so that you can heal.
*Forgive him and yourself. I remember a sermon I heard that said that until we forgive, we are getting in the way of God dealing with that person. It will take time, but the forgiveness is not for him. Forgiveness will help release you from the bitterness.
*Accept that you cannot handle it alone and lean on God.

Thanks for the support and advice. What a blessing that I found this place! I did take the advice and transferred our joint savings into an account in just my name. That relieved a lot of the stress. Now at least I have three months worth of mortgage payments at my disposal.

I found out that he has been staying in a motel, apparently all those great "friends" he thought he had aren't willing to take him in. He has crawled back claiming to want to "work things out," but he still justifies his relationship with this other woman. I'm going to try, but I'm also going to protect myself. Without repentance there can be no reconciliation, and if he thinks his relationship with her was justified because of MY behavior, it will never work.

If nothing else, this will buy me the time to stash some more money away and prepare myself for what may come. At least now I'm aware that it MAY come, which is a huge step above where I was a month ago.