Is it normal to grieve over a house?

Fiance has over the last 15 years poured all of his creative energy into his house.

Overwhelmingly the time that he has spent in that house has been according to him 99% lonely. The other 1% was fun.

It was the scene for the adulterous end of his marriage.

He is deeply grieving now - to the point of having weeping episodes - when he thinks of leaving the house.

Has any of you been that attached to a "home"?

V.

I have. Both my home now, and my mother's house where I grew up. Homes can become vessels for memories, feelings and spirit. It's hard to leave them when that happens. If you've moved a lot, it sort of seems silly. "Home is where the heart is, not four walls." You two are coming from different places on this one.

Also, it's my guess that your fiance is also grieving the end of one part of his life. I think that's natural, but only if it lasts days, not weeks or months.

I can totally relate to your fiance. I totally renovated our home exactly the way my X wanted. Took me years to do and she hardly ever helped me. In the end, she left. I continued to work on it after she left. This house means everything to me...

But, at some point, when I find someone special, I will probably sell it and start a new life. It is going to be very hard for me.

He is feeling a sense of loss. He took lots of pride in it and it means a lot to him. Let him talk to you about it...

Also, if he would like to email me to share experiences, feel free.

Keith

Yes,

But I don't know how to interpret this reaction. My XW had the same reaction just hours after we sold our first and only house. She was weeping saying that "this was our only bond!" It was our vacation house, and we lived in her work residence for 9 months of the year. I was totally baffled, i really was, as I didn't look at a house in that emotionally attachment. . . .

My interpretation of the reaction is that my XW wasn't truthful with me, and used the house to represent some portion of her life. Her emotional assignment of values in that way confused me until later. If i had bought another house as soon as possible afterwards, then possibly i might be still married, but that is only conjecture.

However, I suggest that you try to ask him what the house represents to him.. . and realize that your next house may represent something big to him also, in the future.

My only interpretation is that people that assign certain emotions to houses may also assign other emotions and representations to other "things". Finding out what those representations are, may be important clues to understanding your finance.

good luck

wifty

sometimes i wonder if these type of people put more emphasis on "things" than people and relationships with people. in doing so, that is why some of them have difficulties with interpersonal relationships.

my only other possible interpretation

wiffty

Thanks for the input. I am an ENTP and he probably an ENFP. Very close but big emotional differences.

Wiffty, I think your assessment is close. He does associate the house with a portion of his life. He is likely grieving because of the end of an era or whatever.

About attachment to things? I dunno. He wore a ring that his ex-wife gave him during their courtship. I accepted the explanation that "it meant nothing to him - it was just an ornament". Then we had a big fight over the ex and his ongoing relationship with her (she would come and stay for weeks at his house and he was so hungry to hang onto any portion of his past that he would let her take advantage of him - he admitted her visits, etc., had caused other break-ups). Anyway after the fight he took off the ring she gave him. I think it must have meant something?

He places emphasis on relationships too. The longer the relationship, the more dear it becomes to him. It could be, like your ex that he sees the sale of this house as his last real connection to his ex as well. She certainly won't be invited to stay in MY house. He knows that.

Prime example of why Harley recommends no contact between ex-lovers. Emotional connection doesn't fade away until there is no interaction.

V.

Thanks Keith,

I know he felt a lot of pride - he poured a lot of effort into finishing the house and was disappointed that his ex took no interest in decorating it.

We do talk about it - I am distressed by his upset, and even offered to stop the purchase of the new house and stay with his house. He declined.

I am glad that none of his friends bought the house. If they had I think it would have just prolonged his detachment process because he would have been able to visit it and maybe get upset at changes made to it...

V.

GG,

Thanks. I understand that my view is different than his and I want to understand his view better, not change it. We are moving and selling houses, so his grief happens in spurts as he works to prepare his house and spends time in rooms that are probably full of memories.

V.

sunny,

I am attached to my home.It was the home that my ex and I picked out after much ado and about 10 months later the A came out.He wasn't really living here much before that time either due to job obligations so now that the house is mine thru the D,I truly feel that it's mine.Like Keith,I have spent so much time redecorating,painting,etc making it even more so all mine in every way.My ex did do some of the work with me in the beginning but then I ended up doing all of it while ex was slowly drifting further out to sea.

I simply adore my home.It's just beautiful so when I think of ever having to move or give it up,I feel sad.I know I also may have to give it up and move into another starter home if and when I ever remarry,that is unless my future fiance does want to be here too and we could make it ours .There really aren't any remnants of my ex here for a future BF to have to contend with.I don't have years and years of memories with him here,only the sad fact that I thought we would grow old together,which I'm getting over.

I just wonder why if your fiance was lonely there most of the time why he would feel so sad about it now.If it was from all the personal attention and redecorating/refinishing,etc,I can understand that,15 years is a long time.

And about rings. I have a beautiful diamond eternity band I had made ( gift from ex) for my 10th wedding anniversary.I still wear it from time to time because I think it's a beautiful piece of jewelry.I in no way think about it being related to my marriage at all now,oddly enough.I don't look at it and reminisce.And I don't feel I should have to store it away never to see the light of day.It would not be an issue for any future BF on my end anyway.I would hope he would believe that.Maybe that's just me.

yes, the house does represent the connection with his XW, however, wheredoes the relationship stop and the house begin? meaning, there is a material aspect of the relationship, or a misrepresentation of what the relationship is about.

The house represents the giving of an emotional need, however, the emotional need is one sided. Its materialistic, not emotional need support.

There are alot of good memories, which is great, but the memories will be there whether thehouse is owned or not. . . that is the part that i don'tget. . . its as if when the house is gone, so are the memories. . . which doesn't work for me. . . .

anyway, i don't quite agree that this is the way that i think looking at houses andrelationships are healthy. .. the memories will be there with or without the house, and so will the relationship. Its as if the relationship is projecxted onto the house, and then the house is given emotinoal support instead of the relationship.

wiftty