I know we talk about this area all the time, but I have a specific question with which I could use some help.

Kids (of course)

I have been dating a man for over a year. He and I both are raising 2 children, mostly without ex's support. I love him very much, and his children, and he loves us.

We have major parenting differences. Mine are angels and his are devils. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" /> Actually, his children are not bad kids, but in my opinion are behaving appropriately for the type of parenting they are receivin.

THe major difference: I am much more strict than BF. I watch my children like a hawk for misbehavior that I nip in the bud before it becomes a problem. My consequences are swift and painful ( not physically). I am also complemented regularly by friends and even strangers on my children's excellent behavior. I can take them anywhere adn I don't have to worry about their behavior.

BF- not so strict. He gets going doing chores or whatever, or looking at exhibits if we're at a fair or someplace, and has no idea what his children are doing at the moment. Therefore, his children begin misbehaving and it's troulbe by the time he notices.

Of course, because of my hawk-eyes, I DO notice it early. So, I'm stuck with either ignoring it, correcting it (which I do, and he has no problem with this) or, the one I hate but do the most, "tattling" on the boys, saying something like "do you see what he's doing" or "do you want him doing that".

To his credit, he does state that my children are better behaved, and he does admit that it's because of my parenting. He says he wants to me more like me, and has asked me to point out things to him, like when he's inconsistent in his discipline, (often) not paying attention (often) Because of this, though, I feel much of the time that I am correcting HIM as much as I"m correcting his kids.

After a year, should I be seeing better parenting? I have the idea that in general, it must be harder for a fulltime single dad than a full time single mom, but I don't want to generalize.

If we were to be married, I see this as a huge problem. A byproduct of AGG's latest thread, what is negotiable and what isn't? I cannot become less strict with my kids. Absolutely not an area of compromise. So, does that mean that I will become the "heavy" parent in the household.I know without a doubt that he would back me in every way, no matter whose kid it was, and that we would have house rules that are the same for everybody. But these kids are no dummies, and they would know that the house rules are "mine" and would that lead to resentment?

This went much logner than I had planned, I hope soem of you can weed through it and give me some feedback.

Thanks,
cm

This is exactly why second marriages have such dismal success rates, and why Harley suggests not blending families until kids are grown. It is hard enough having a new partner step into a family with kids, but when each partner has kids, it's much harder. Add to that different parenting styles, different routines, different personalities, and it's a powder keg.

Personally, while I think that dating another parent would have many advantages in terms of "getting it", I dread the idea of mixing the kids together. Maybe if they were older, yeah, but at this point, I can't imagine how to do so. Even the fact that I would probably have different custody arrangements than any one else would make things complicated.


Whoa, CM, you are entering DJ city here... If that is truly how you see his parenting, I'd say you have your answer. Run for the hills. His style is what it is, and if you expect it to change, you are likely to be disappointed.



I don't think that would work. You can't discipline his kids, it'll backfire. And you can't be the heavy, even if he supports you. We discussed this at length on BHINWI's thread, where he had the same issues. I think you will be resented if you were the heavy, both by his kids and eventually by him.

I wish I had better advice, but from where I sit, I wonder if you are better off either finding someone else or dating him until kids are out of the house. Is that on the horizon (I don't know your kids' ages)?

AGG

AGG,
Our kids' ages range from 3-8, so we will have them for a while.

I guess the comment on better parenting wasn't fair. He greatly respects my parenting, and wants to be more like me. He asks for advice all the time, and wants me to point out things I disagree with. Also, I"ve been thinking about this for the past couple of hours, adn I have to admit he has made some significant changes. I'm just sill quite a bit stricter than he is. Maybe he'll continue to change in that direction.

I still have questions about disciplining each other's children. What exactly do we mean by discipline? If I am the the only one home with all the kids, and rules are broken, am I not the one to enforce the pre-established consequence? And the same if he;s the one with the kids? I guess I"m confused here.

At this point, we do not "punish" each others children. However, if one is doing something inappropriate, adn the other person is in another room, we both feel it's OK to reprimant the misbhaving child and make them stop the bad behavior. Is this OK?

cm

Country Mama,

As GoodGuy stated, this was discussed in a thread I posted. It is ALMOST IDENTICAL to my situation. I do give me GF lots of credit though as she spends lots of time with her girls but the problem I have is her inconsistent discipline.

I am like you, when a child crossing the line (hitting, spitting, screaming, etc) the punishment is immediate and consistent. They know what to expect. My GF gives her girls lots of "warnings" which mean nothing to a child.

Also, when we go somewhere, her girls take off and are unsupervised. When my kids were that age, I followed them everywhere if we are out and about.

So, what did I do??? I spoke frankly with my GF about our differences. I told her precisely (but delicately) that the lack of respect she gets from her children would never, never work in a blended household with me. She was a little defensive at first but then she seen that I was very sincere about it.

She asked me to help in disciplining... At first I said sure, but then I gave it a lot of thought and said no (thanks to advice from many here). I am just the boyfriend at this point and her children need to respect her more than me. I told her the buck stops with her for her girls and that there is no higher authority. I told her I would always stand behind her when she is disciplining, with a stern look and maybe a hand on Moms shoulder, but I do not get involved.

I also decided in my house, when they visit, her girls know the rules. No hitting (her 5 year old is really bad about this). No screaming in anger. No spitting. No throwing things in anger. No running around at meal time. If they break the rules, they all have to leave. (I know it sounds harsh but those are my boundaries).

Currently, as much as I adore her children and they me, I could not live with them. There is just no way... They must totally respect their mother before.

This situation has been tough for me and I have thought about breaking it off with GF because of the discipline issues. But she has been very understanding about my feelings on this and we decided to work on it together. We will see...

I suggest to you at this point, don't get involved in disciplining. You can stop inapproriate behavoir when Dad is not nearby but he has to discipline.

Keep us (me!) posted on this. I really want to know how things work for you. Good luck...

CM,

I highly recommend you invest in family counselling and/or classes to figure out -- with expert help -- a strategy for blending before you even start. AGG is right, blending can be like a bad chemistry experiment. We had a false start and had to start over with help. Its getting better, but being a step-monster is the toughest job I've ever had. It would be easier to have two houses.

Mrs. W8ing

W8ing
I appreciate the advice, and I will look into that a bit further down the line.

BHINWI-I think I have it easy compared to your GF's kids. BF's don't scream or spit or do any of those things. They ahve never been anything but respectful, polite and obedient with me. I think if BF was more consistatn, he would see better behavior from them. They are mainly unruly, and don't understand boundaries with other people and their things. It's not that they're really bad, it;s more that they just need constanct correcting from adults.

When I say he asks me for help, I don't mean that I step in. I just mean that he wants me to point out to him when he is inconsitant, or when I think he needs to have handled something differently. It's never done in front of the kids. I only "discipline" (I'm still trying to figure out just what that word means in this case) unless Dad is not around, and really all I do is correct misbehavior, I don't dish out any punishments. That alwasys comes from Dad.

We're going to hang in there for a while. We have quite a while before an M discussion, so lots of room to grow.

I appreciate any and all input from you guys,

thanks,
cm

Fascinating how closely CM's situation mirrored my situation with M.

Differences... I am the laid back parent, but my kids are the better behaved ones. Hers are borderline ADHD.

Her biggest concern was the differences in our parenting styles. Not that her style was better or that my style was worse. She just didn't want to become the 'heavy' in the relationship.

Ultimately, we just couldn't resolve the differences.

Family counseling is very helpful before marriage. We did it, and for the same reasons.