I know I said I was committed to doing anything in my power to make this marriage work. I know I should. I know it's only been a month since D-Day and I should be able to hold out a little longer. I know my WH has been making real changes and real improvements in our relationship. I know there is probably still hope. But I think I have decided to separate anyway. Maybe I'm just a quitter, but I can't stand living with this much mistrust. Every time he's too tired for sex (which only happens once a week or so), every time he goes out of town, every time he doesn't say "I love you" before he hangs up with me, I wonder if he's with her or been with her or is planning on being with her.

Neither one of us deserves this. I do not deserve to be constantly looking over my shoulder and snooping through everything trying to prove myself right, and he certainly does not deserve to live with a wife who cannot force herself to trust him. He is trying, he is doing amazing things to restore our relationship, but he's not doing much to restore trust and I'm tired. I'm not the jealous type, I'm not the suspicious type. I like to believe that people say what they mean and mean what they say. I cannot live with someone who doesn't share that philosophy any longer.

I honestly don't care if I have a stable job or not. I don't care if I screw up my credit rating, lose my house and have to move to Siberia to find something I can afford. I'm done. I'm just too old for this sh**.

Dear Broken- your subject line says a lot- you THINK. Hon, you're only 1 month into this journey? Don't give up now!

There really isn't much your WH can do to restore trust in such a short amt of time. He needs to be where he says he will be when he says he will be and all time needs to be accounted for- other than that, really time is what it will take.

Now, I'm a FWW. And my BH I think feels much like you do- we are about 6 months out from D-day. I had an EA- not sure what your sitch is......

But wouldnt' you rather work on a marriage with a truly repentant husband than start all over? Is he working within MB principles? Do you feel he's truly repentant? Do you really want this marriage to work, you're just exhausted? This is kind of where my BH is.....it's up to me to prove myself- as he says, I will be on probation for the rest of my marriage. I'm okay with that. Time may not heal all things, but it does make things bearable.

I feel a lot of pain and anguish in your post, I hope you will find what you need.

BrokenOne,
I am hoping that you are just having a down day. God knows all of us do. I was having a down day yesterday, not a bad one, and I feel a lot more positive today.
You are the only one that can make the decision that you are done but maybe if you just vent here it will help.
I am practicing being still. I cannot make decisions based on emotions right now. If I were doing making decision sbased on emotions I'd have moved out the first week of Sept.
It gets easier, it really does. I have been struggling, trying to recover my M for over a year and a half without realizing it. Things with my M have gotten to the crisis point and I have to do something.
Don't expect to be able to trust overnight, it won't happen, the WS has to earn trust and act in trust worthy ways.
Be good to yourself, keep reaching out here there are some wonderful people on here.
(((((((hugs))))))))

I feel the same way...you are blessed with a FWH that wants to repent...you said that he's making changes...one month after d-day...that's what I call a true blessing...

Please do not give up now...YOU CAN do this...

See, I'm not really sure "repentant" is the right word. He still hasn't admitted to anything more than being "friends," but his behavior during the time he was spending with her was straight out of The Cheaters Handbook.

He is making changes, but I don't even know how much I can trust those. A month ago, when I thought we were happily married, he slapped me upside the head with talk of divorce. Out of the blue. Then he went out on his own for two days and found that none of his friends would take him and his little demon-dog, so he came back.

He's going out of town for three days. He has a 1:00 interview in Charlotte (about 7 hours away) tomorrow, but for some reason he had to leave at 8:30 this morning and says he won't be back until Friday afternoon. What is that?

My oldest son had a Dr appt yesterday afternoon and, 15 minutes after I left the house, he called that woman again. Of course, it was "work related." Also, he was "too tired" last night. Sorry, but before I left for California last month I made sure that I left him with something that would carry him through (Of course, I didn't know at the time that he already had PLENTY to carry him through my absence).

He hasn't worn his wedding band in months. I have mentioned it several times. He said it got bent and I have told him that it wouldn't take much to straighten it. To add insult to injury, he has left it hanging around the neck of the "Best Husband Award" that I brought him back from L.A. two years ago. I finally took it down last night, straightened it and cleaned it, and gave it to him. Let's just say he was less than thrilled about it.

The last straw was just a few minutes before I posted. I checked the cell bill, saw yesterdays call, and he showed up at my office while I was still shaking from it. He kept asking what's wrong, I kept telling him that I do not wish to discuss it right now. I told him it's good that he'll be gone a few days so that I can sort out my thoughts. He wouldn't drop it. So I told him about the call. He explained that it was work related and was pretty calm about it, but I just hate that I have to question him. I hate that he has to answer questions. I hate that I can't have a marriage that I can truly depend on. And when he said, "Why are you still checking the cell bill?" that pretty much did it for me. It says it all. I don't trust him. He thinks I should. It sucks for everyone.

Someone here has a sig line that says something like "Affairs don't destroy marriages, the lying does." There ya go. That's it in a nutshell. The lying has done us in.

BO - I know how you feel and went through the same thing you are now going through. 1 month after d-day despite they way things were going with my WH, we were talking for very long periods of time, making compromises, that I shouldn't have, I couldn't deal with him still seeing the OW. He was seeing her supposedly to respolve his feelings over a 20 year time for her. He promised not to touch, to meet in public only, and tell me when he contacted her. He lied on all accounts and to my face only for me to find out with proof, confront him and have him admit it. After a meeting with her over 5 hours, I told him I couldn't do it anymore. I needed him to end it with her, NC.

He ended up moving out because of my feelings and because he felt I was being too forgiving allowing him to live at home yet and having a good family life despite the A. We were still spending time as a family and a couple times as a couple. There was some affection and kindness, lots of nice words said, not too much lovey stuff.

1 month after he moved out, I discovered he had been staying overnight with her, and he aditted to sleeping with her after he moved out. Now I've moved into plan B.

On all accounts I feel/felt like I was going to fast, but the feelings were SO overwhelming and he made decisions against us as well. I miss him terrible and often wish I could take it back. It's a very difficult decision to make, to ask him to leave. Be certain in your decision and hold onto your resolve to do what's best for you and your M.

I know, as many here do, that this is extremely hard. I'm now in IC and on AD's and they help so much with the devastating depression and betrayal feelings. Keep coming here for advice, support and all. This site really does help, even when there are some that don't agree. We all have to make decisions that are best for us, but take the advice, consider it with all the love and support it's intended, then decide for yourself.

Hugs and God be with you!

Broken,

We all have shared your anger,grief,depression and hopelessnes. As much as you do not want to hear it now, the process you are going through is measured in years and not days and months. I am not saying stay, I left very early after D-day and it was probably one of the best things that I did. My M was only going to repair itself if my WW decided and NOTHING that I could say would give any LASTING changes.

Plan A is VERY tough to swallow when the BS is in your frame of mind. I knew early on that I was going to face the same amount of lying and subterfuge that you feel now. I went into Plan B quickly. My M is gone but my self respect has survived and I don't have any regrets about MY actions(except for the stupidity of a delayed exposure). When my WW approached me at 2 years with a wish at reconciliation, Plan B had left me with enough love to consider R but also enough self respect to walk away unless MY terms were met.

Hang in there. Best of luck

Broken One, No Contact is NO CONTACT.....your husband is not even in withdrawl. This is important! You are not in a position to trust him, what is he thinking????

Have you exposed?????

Exposing has been a weird point for me. I've exposed the A to the church, to my family and to our friends, but not to OWH or to their work. The only reason I haven't exposed to them is lack of evidence . . . WH sticks to the "just friends" story and I can't prove otherwise and my making "wild accusations" to his employer without proof will only lend credence to his "It's all her fault" argument: "See, my wife really is crazy."

That may not be the case soon, though. After he showed up at my office yesterday and I confronted him about the phone call, he left for his trip with a voice activated recorder in his car. I checked his cell usage this morning and, as soon as he left my office, he made a call to his work. I'm assuming he called her at work, not her cell, so I couldn't prove anything. Hopefully the recorder picked up something I can use.

I did tell him last night that, while I love the new marriage we are building now, the fact that he still sees her every day at work is making healing impossible. I asked him if he would consider transferring to another store and he said no. Not because she's there, of course, but because the next closest store is 15 miles further away. Ummm, okay.

I have an appointment with a lawyer at 2:00 today. Any suggestions on what exactly I'm supposed to ask for? We've only been married three years, we don't have children together, I own the house and most of the property in it. It seems pretty cut & dry, but it ticks me off that he was ready to file bankruptcy when I met him and now he's debt-free (because I handled all the finances). His 401k was hemorrhaging money when we got married and I moved his investments around so that now it's extremely profitable. We put $6,000 into his truck in the past year while my van fell apart. In other words, we spent three years cleaning up the mess that he created for himself and, as soon as it was time to start investing in OUR future and paying off MY student loans, he decides he's miserable and wants out.

It's probably a little bit of vengeance, but is there any way to make sure he doesn't get to walk away scott-free? I kind of feel like I"m not entitled to anything from him because we've been married such a short while, but then I feel like I am because I changed my whole life around for him, I gave heart, soul, mind and body to this under the assumption that it was "forever". I left a great job with benefits to work closer to home. Now I don't have access to health insurance and don't even really know if the company I'm working for will stay open from one week to the next.

My honest and sincere hope is that seeing that I've gone to the lawyer and had papers drawn up will drive home the fact that I'm dead serious about NO CONTACT, but I'm not going to count on that happening. He's determined to have his cake and eat it too. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Okay, I chickened out. Didn't go to the appointment. I was just in such a funk after finding out that he was still talking to her and then when he said he wouldn't transfer because he would have to drive 15 more miles . . . well, that hurt.

What I did do instead, though, was to call him and tell him that I made the appointment, that I would rather stick knitting needles in my eyes than to divorce him, but that the pain of a divorce will eventually fade while the pain of sharing the love of my life every day with that woman would not. I told him that, for my own health and sanity, I had to draw the line. It comes down to either her or me and it's time to choose. If he could not find a way to break off all contact with her ASAP, I would have no choice but to file.

He said, "I guess we'll talk about this when I get home" and hung up. I'm pretty sure I know what his choice will be, and I doubt I'll be married much longer.

You know what did it for me? It was a line in somebody's post about BS fog that said, "It's fear manifesting itself as acceptance of the unacceptable." I realized that's exactly what I've been doing. Taking the scraps, knowing that he still sees and talks to her every day but thinking that was better than nothing. It's not. He has a choice. He can change jobs. He can keep the same job and change locations. I don't have to take the scraps and I don't have to live my life based on fear.

BrokenOne,

I must have missed it, but it’s important enough for me to ask, what happened to Plan B?

It sounds like you have tried a Plan A and just can’t do it any longer with continued contact. That’s fine. A couple months Plan A (for BW, longer for BH) is a general rule of thumb. Some BS can’t do it as long as this. And that’s OK.

Write a Plan B letter, have him move out and go dark as midnight. This is just the situation for which Plan B is designed to preserve your sanity: continued contact.

D can come later. No need to hurry. Give Plan B a chance first.

With prayers,

BrokenOne,

I fear that what you accomplished by your idle threat has only empowered your WH's position and security.

The only thing worse than waiting too long to go Plan B is doing a cr*ppy one. With what you have written, I doubt that you can mount an effective Plan B at this time.

You sound like so many BS's here. Hoping someone or something else will save you from your pain.

It ain't gonna happen.

Do you think his trip in the car will provide you with the proof you need? If you get the proof, what will you do with it?

Broken One: I feel the exact same way you do. The trust issue is enormous. I am completely worn out from being Columbo and don't want to do it anymore. I want to bring this all to an end. The quote someone has stated that "The affair does not end the marriage but the lies do" or something like that is so very true for me. Even marriage counseling cannot get a liar to be truthful....they just lie to the counselor, too. I am sorry for both of us. This just plain sucks.