I had an affair, and I need help. My wife does not know, and I need to tell her, but do not know how. The guilt is overwhelming, and I want to make things right. I know by the research I've done on the subject, that I will be putting her thru a great deal of pain, and that's going to be very difficult. My wife and I have been married for 15yrs. We have 3 children.

Background info: The OW and I worked together at the time, both married. I'm not sure how it started, but we eventually started talking. That was about 3yrs ago. In May 04 we started the PA. In Sept 05, we both agreed to end it. In Oct 05, about a month after ending it, her H found our emails and exposed the affair to her. They never exposed the A to my W or to our employer. Not sure why, if it was because the A was over, or for some other reason. Since then I have been terrified of my W finding out and losing my family for being so stupid and selfish. I've also been concerned for my safety - I now realize the pain he is going thru and that makes me anxious about vengence. In May of 06, her position was eliminated, so she does not work there anymore. From my understanding, they are trying to make things work.

I realize my actions were very selfish, but of course, not at the time. What I'm looking for now, is advise on how to tell my W about the affair.
Does anyone have any suggestions?
Should I get IC first, or see a MC first before telling her?

Thanks.

46xy,

The truth does not need a counselor.

Sit her down,look her in the face and admit what you have done.

DO NOT LIE ABOUT ANYTHING regardless of what you feel about the subject.

And tell her you will do whatever it takes for as long as it takes to make this up to her.

I GUARANTEE success if you follow these principles.

Best of luck

buy this book

here* <~~~ link

read it in 72 hours

then

tell her

no
IC/MC

just you and your wife

when she has stopped yelling/crying

tell her about the book

show her the book

hold her

Pep

46

I agree that you have to tell the full truth the first time out of the shoot. If you tell a little and then she finds out more later she will never believe that you are a trusting person ever again. I am the BH and I found out about my wife so I believe that if my wife had come to me, like you are about to do, it would have helped to show how wrong and sorry she was. You are doing the right thing. The two posts above are from some of the pros here.
Good luck and this is the first step in renewing a better marriage for both of you.
M2L

Telling your wife as suggested above has to be better than the way the OM in my sitch told his W. OM woke his wife (8 monhts preg) up at 5:00AM to say " I need to tell you something before the other womans H (me) calls you." The day I found out I told my wife that if the OM doesn't tell his wife, I would. I'm glad to see you are ready to man up
M2l

You have some good advice here...however, I would tell her tonight... and let her know that while you know you made a huge mistake that you are sorry, it was not her fault in anyway.. and tell the truth about everything she asks. Everything.
I personally feel that every day that you wait to tell her is another betrayal. You know what needs to be done... and hopefully it is out of conscience and not just fear of getting caught... so, now is the time to do it. Not tomorrow... not the weekend...now.
Good luck... and please let your W know about this site.

Another book, "After the Affair" by Janis A. Spring, will give you a very insightful look at how each partner in a marriage is affected by an affair.

You have a long and rocky journey ahead.

Best wishes,
SD

I actually wish I had After the Affair on d-day. It is very good for both the WS and the BS. Of course Surviving an Affair and the Harley books are my favourites as well.

Tell her. MEDC is right. Every day from your affair till the day you tell her is going to be considered by her to be a lie and a sham. Make that time period shorter by telling her Today - not waiting and wrestling with this for more months.

Good news is that regardless of her initial reaction, you will most probably recover your marriage. If you follow the Harley principles on this site, I guarantee you will.

46xy,

I agree with Pep.

Arm yourself with tools you can use to help your wife.

A BIG mistake would be to lie about ANYTHING she asks you.

You will not be protecting her by lying about something you have already done. Answer any questions she has openly and honesty, remembering that lies don't protect her.

Only once the lies cease, can your marriage have a chance to begin to heal.

Thank you all for your advice, I will tell her tonight so the healing can begin. I realize the pain I'll be putting her through, but I know I have to do this. I'm going over lunch today to look for the books that were suggested, because I do not want to wait.

I put in the first post: "I've also been concerned for my safety - I now realize the pain he (OW H) is going thru and that makes me anxious about vengence." Revenge on me or my family.

This something that is stuck in the back of my head like a broken record. Is this silly thinking, or should I be concerned. Does anyone have any insight into this that they could share?

Thanks again for your advice.

I would be concerned. A few days after I found out the truth I was ready to hurt the OW. If I didn't have kids then I probably would have. Took everything I had not to go over there.

I am the BS and if my H had come to me instead of me finding out then we would be in a much better place right now. He also did not tell me the full details for a month b/c he thought he was protecting me. It just reopened the wound. The best thing for her is to be 100% honest up front. Be supportive when she loses it (b/c she will) and be calm. Going to her and coming clean will be the best for her overall. I wish my H had been man enough to do it.

Well, I told her last night after the kids went to bed. It was the most difficult thing in my life to do. I told her everything, and answered her questions truthfully. I cried a lot, she was in a state of shock. She is numb right now, and cant believe that I would do such a thing. She really wants me to find a different place to stay over the weekend, but I don't want to. I really do not want the children to know what's going on. I let her know that I want to stay and make the marriage work. Of course, anything I say at this point she has a difficult time believing, and I cant blame her. I thought that after I told her, I would feel a little relief from the guilt and shamefullness, but not really. Today is a very difficult day, and I need some direction. I did tell her about this site, and I'm going to order SAA as soon as I finish typing.

What should I do next?

Where do I go from here?

Thanks in advance

46xy- I'm glad you told her. It will be hard, she'll have a zillion questions she didnt' think to ask last night, she'll doubt all you say and feel like she's been living a lie. I hope you have done a good job since the A ended of trying to meet her needs- though you probably didnt know what they were.....have you been trying to be the best husband you can be?

Oh, I wouldn't worry about OW's H- if he's known since Oct 05, he's had almost a year and done nothing? I think you'll be okay in that respect. Keep your energies for saving your marriage and DOING what it takes (your words are worthless) to recover your M.

You have a long journey. I wish your wife the best- she is going to be going through h-e double hockey sticks...and there is nothing you can do about it.

Good for you for taking the first steps to save your M and to show your W the respect she deserves.
Comfort her in anyway you can.
He emotions will be all over the place.
Let her know how sorry you are.
I would say that if she needs time this weekend...let her know you would rather be there for her.. but that you will respect her wishes.
Earn her respect and trust back by beinbg transparent in all of your actions.
Read everything this site has to offer.
Love her.
Good luck.

I am so glad that you did the "right thing". This act has greatly improved your chances at recovery / reconsilliation.

It is my belief that the act of infidelity is not what does the greatest damage to the M. It is the lying / covering up afterward that does the greatest damage, To yourself and your betrayed spouse.

With that said: Here are a few things that can help you and your spouse.

1. You must be totally honest with you about everything
2. You must answer every question that you ask truthfully and fully.
3. You must do everything in your power to prove to her that she is the one that you want to be with.
4. You must prove your love to her ... You must be patient, gentle, compassionate and understanding.
5. You must feel her pain.
6. You must fully understand the devastation that You caused her.
7. You must accept full responsibility for your actions.
8. You must stop all contact with OP and not try to protect them.
9. You must reassure her that it is OK to ask questions.
10. You must reassure her that she will not drive you away by doing the things that are necessary to heal.
11. You must recognize when she's struggling or experiencing a trigger and comfort her.
12. You must be able to tell her how sorry You are and show her.
13. You must re-enforce to her, that she is not responsible.
14. You must put your own feelings of guilt and shame aside and help her heal first.
15. You must reconnect emotionally, mentally, and physically with her and stay connected.
16. You must work on rebuilding trust. No secrets. No privacy.
17. You must be willing to seek counseling.

Here is a list of things that she must do:

1. Give you the necessary time to prove your love and commitment to her.
2. Be open with her feelings.
3. Ask the questions that are important to her.
4. Don't be afraid that she will drive you away while she is trying to heal.
5. Stop blaming herself for your actions. She is in no way responsible for your choice to engage in an affair!
6. She must be able to let you connect with her. (this one takes time)
7. She must continue checking up on you in order to let her rebuild trust.
8. She must be willing to seek counseling so that she does not get stuck in one of the stages of recovery: such as anger or depression.

These are just a few of the things that I have thought of off the top of my head. With these things in place, then reconciliation can be successful. It is still a long journey, but with baby steps it can be achieved.


Stay Strong!

If you can, encourage your BS to post here. We can help her with this difficult journey!

I needed this as well ... mostly to protect my husband from my wanting to kick him in his sleep !!!!

If she asks you to do this ~only~ for a weekend, consider yourself blessed !

Pep

Thank you all for your advise. I'm tired now, it was a long night, now a long day, and I'm sure tonight will be even longer. It turns out, D-day (last night) was the 21yr anniversary of our engagement - how's that for timing.
I have been visiting this site for some time now, and have been putting information together in a document like links to discussions, articles, and websites that I can go back to, and also, hopefully, share with my wife to help her with the pain that I have caused. In my A, the OW and I never talked about being together, we each had our own separate lives (families) outside of the A, and we did not want that to end. I suppose much like having your cake and eating it too - I know very selfish. When the A was exposed, we both did not want our families to split up. I'm guessing we do not want to be responsible for breaking up one anothers families.
Is it normal for me to want to try to help her too? I do not want to have any contact with her, but since I put together this information, I want to share it with her so maybe it will help her out too. I feel responsible. Am I off my rocker here???

See #8 in the list of tasks for you!

It is difficult but NO CONTACT is essential.

Just as you would not send an alcoholic down to the corner bar to pick up a 6 pack of Coke. DO NOT contact her! Imagine the pain that will bring to your W right now!

No Contact (NC) means no contact FOREVER! If you really want to do your Other Woman (OW) a favor, DO NOT CONTACT HER. Let her work on her own marriage with her H.

Any contact from you will set back to progress of reconsilliation for not only you and your W but also for OW and OWH. I can garantee you that the Other Woman's Husband (OWH) will NOT welcome your interferrence.

Stay Strong!

You have gotten some great advice here.

Harley recommends the couple go on a trip and focus on one another. We were only able to do weekends, but that was a huge help for me.

Will she come here?

We would be able to offer her support as she goes through this.

Thank you WTF for the reminder on #8, and the advice!

Moveforward - I don't know if my wife (BS) will or not. I'm trying to, but not sure. She is not big on these sorts of things. It is still to early to tell, since she will not really even talk to me.

Right now she is furious with me and can't even stand looking at me. Like I said earlier, she does not want me around this weekend, so I'm staying someplace else. Right now, it's one day at a time. It's very painful to see her in so much pain - pain that I caused. Thanks again everyone for all your advise. BTW, I ordered SAA and HNHN today, so hopefully they will be in early next week so I (we) can get started on reading. I looked locally and around the surrounding area, but nobody had it in stock.

Thanks again,

46XY