So I guess it's pretty normal to have second thoughts even if everything is going well with Plan A (copybook actually).

My WS is out of the country for a week and I find myself with negative thoughts all the time when he's not around and thinking I deserve a lot better. Found myself searching through a dating site the last few days and I've even entered my profile on it without a picture.

We have a week's holiday planned next week, just the two of us. It will be our 20 year anniversary and we've only been in recovery for barely 2 months (WS had EA at start of marriage and now again last couple years, both of which I only just found out about).

Sometimes I'm so hot but at the moment I'm so cold on reconciliation. We've been happier than we've ever been lately and I am so optomistic for the future at times. I guess I just think it's been too easy for my WS and I'm peeved at all the wasted sexless years he's given me and all the fun he's had without me. Trouble is I see my future as better with him than without him.

Is this what everyone else grapples with too?

Interesting NADS - why is he still described as a WS?

Oh, should it be FWS? I'll change it.

Well if your situation is as described I wouldn't say he was a WS anymore.

You are on a rollercoaster. You can expect your emotions to be up and down. 2 months of NC should mean he is over withdrawal.

Hi nads !

I have seen my own recovery, and that of many other BS follow predictable steps. The steps or stages may be similar but the timelines may be very different. Also, once the full set has been run through, stages can be selected in seemigly random fashion.


1.- Devastation.
Fear, shock, confusion, existential pain. Loss of hopes, dreams and every assumption about God and man.
D-day and just afterwards. Don't want to go there again, ever.

2.- Appeasement.
OK, I've been dealt a [email]cr@p[/email] hand, but if she will at least stay home SOME of mt life support systems may at least function a bit.

3.- Indignation.
F'k that ! I'm stronger now and i WILL NOT suck up any more pain than I have to. Still scared, but not settling for crumbs.
This is where MB gets SERIOUSLY assimilated and applied. Turns hatred on OM as being to blame for affair.

4.- Gratitude.
The affair is ended, WS sends NC letter, exposure scares OP into darkness. THANK YOU GOD ! LA LA LA LA LA ! Still suspects FWS motivations for coming home, i.e comfort not love.

5.-"Advising others how to be wonderfully recovered like I am"

We have like SF 3 times a day, and a restored marriage is a decent possibility again and I am so PATHETICALLY grateful to not be in the deepest [email]cr@p[/email] imaginable I am hyper-happy. Yessiree, no recovery problems for me !This is it for ever and it only took us x months ! Secretly suspects FWS motivations for coming home, i.e comfort not love.

6.-"Ah, theres an elephant in the sitting room"

So day to day life has been OK for a while now. SF, even maybe some ILYs. Kids are happy. Life is ACTUALLY not happier than for years but it is so much better than during the dark times of the affair and withdrawal that it seems that way. But you start to notice the 'elephant' in the sitting room : the enormous baggage of the affair that the BS has been previously too 'fight or flight' or psychotically happy to address. Suspects FWS motivations for coming home, i.e comfort not love.

7.- "I am angry and I don't need you so WHY am I here ?"

BS has operated in a loveless and hurt world for so long is now amost completely self sufficient. Is no longer even slightly desperate. Does not NEED FWW as whole life support mechnanism has HAD to regrow without her while she betrayed and sulked over the months. Feels indignation at both the insult of the affair AND the insult of FWW not contributing HARD to recovery. Feels like an ATM machine and bodyguard and hugely taken for granted. KNOWS FWS still loves OP.

8. - What about MY needs ?

BS has developed a sense of self worth independent of what others think. Has had to. Thinks he deserves MUCH more affection, admiration respect, gratitude. " I didn't put this amount of effort in just to be nagged at all the time, and never be praised. I deserve MORE than that!." The kids happiness at a stable family quells thoughts of rebellion. realises OP was just an amoral scumbag who made the most of an opportunity FWW offered, 100% of the blame for the A is FWW. This hits hard.

9. - Resignation

The kids are happy, I am not unhappy, FWS is happy, this is just my lot in life. Better get on with it.

10.- make or break drive to get a M the BS deserves.

An effort from BS to challenge the peaceful but unsatisfying status quo in an attempt to get BS needs met.

If you prepare yourself for a cycle similar to this you may not feel so weird when your emotions blow wih the wind.

My story and the FANTASTIC advice I got from the wise folks here is bundled in this TOOLKIT if you want to make a pot of coffee and read. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

All blessings !

But when do you know it is the right thing to do for yourself ie staying together? I only did it in the beginning to keep my options open and to keep him away from the OW as I thought his relationship was bad for everyone in the family.

Honestly, when I think of the extent of the selfishness and betrayal over the whole course of our marriage (he had an on-again off-again sexual but not fully relationship with the last woman for almost 13 years. And I don't know whether I would be really stupid to ever trust him again.

I don't know which pain will be worse in the long run. The pain of separation (as I still love him) or the pain of feeling so betrayed all the time.

This is all something I no doubt have to work out myself. Guess I could do like some people on this forum do and give it a time limit and then reassess after that.

Any decision taken while emotionally unstable is likely to be a bad one.

You are doing the RIGHT thing, bearing in mind the situation where your H appears sorry and is supporting recovery.

I was as hurt as can be on d-day. Now I live a good life, largely unemcumbered by thoughts of the affair.

I know you probably can't foreseee that - I couldn't a couple months after d-day either - but it happens.

Big K and mself were both broken on d-day , yet now live in loving marriages with our FWWs.

We're both glad we didn't divorce our FWWs quickly.

If your H doesn't maintain NC or treats you disrespectfully you may reconsider ANYTIME of course.

But I suggest you give yourself permission to stay married for six months regardless to see how your hurt subsides.

Yes, nads, it's the same for all BS's.

Recovery is NOT "fair." It's an attempt to make lemonade out of lemons or and omlette out of broken eggs.

Sometimes it's a little messy, always more work, and it takes time while you are waiting for the "finished product."

What's "right" for you? Only you can answer that question, but divorce or recovery are not "problem free."

Since it takes an average of two years to recover a marriage from infidelity, and given your husband's history, the thing that will take the longest to reistablish is TRUST. You will need to KNOW that he can be trusted, and right now you know he can't. Take each step in the process one day at a time and reflect on the growing "good things" that do happen along the way. You can SEE the past, but the future is very cloudy and hard to see. All you can do is DO what you can TODAY and build on that, each day.

Hi Nads. Your doubt is normal I'm sure. I'm 10 months post D-Day and some days my emotions are still all over the map. Its okay to still be angry at what your WS did.

Can I give you one piece of advice? Take down the profile and delete your account. I think one or both of you are going to get hurt by it. If you get contacted, you are sufficiently vulnerable that it won't be a good thing (you and WS will get hurt). If your WS finds the profile (ever), he will be hurt.

[My WW put up a profile and it pixxes me off, especially the "Martial Status: not telling" bit]

I'd suggest that you may want to: (1) hurt him, or (2) want to get around the natural pain of rejection and feel desired and special. The dating site isn't really going to help with this.
Tell yourself daily, this is about him, not me. Yes we could all be better spouses. But he had the As. You didn't and you're wonderful.

My own struggle in this vein has been to not 'worry' my WW by falsely hinting I'm involved with someone. I haven't done it, but I've wanted to several times. I chose not to because its dishonest and I wouldn't want my W to play games like that with me.

- WG

Thanks woundedgentleman.

I guess I just wanted it not to be so easy for my husband. And I guess I would just like him to feel he has to fight for me, as I seem to be doing all the compromising at the moment.

Thanks for all your advice. You are all truly amazing people.